[FIN] Playing Pretend

[BlackFireKitsune]

"Mmmmmh," the taller blond hummed in response as his hand glided up to Zevran's wrist, but waited another long moment or two before lifting his boyfriend's hands to his lips to press long, slow kisses to each of his fingers. "I'm well aware and always incredibly appreciate of your patience... in any circumstance. But," he went on as he lowered their hands back down to his collarbone and gave his love's shoulder a gentle squeeze, "I think it'd be best if I told you things and you asked questions after, so that way I don't get mixed up or anything, yeah?"  

[TawnyAngel]

Usually this would feel like a perfect moment, Abel kissing his fingers softly and him flexing them gently in acknowledgement. It didn't. The taint remained like a bad taste in his mouth.

Thank stars for distractions!

"Of course," Zevran replied in slightly sly tones. After a moment he added; "I would hate to put you off your stroke, so do go on at your own pace."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

A smirk crossed his face and he gave Zev another squeeze, enjoying the feeling of his boyfriend snuggled against his side. "How kind of you, darling, thank you. Mmh, te amo," he murmured before he pressed another kiss to Zevran's head. And then he sighed contentedly, savoring the closeness another moment or two before he tried to remember where he'd left off.

"But anyway, for whatever reason they agreed to let me pick which jobs I'd do, and after training me long enough they gave me that rifle I showed you and started giving me jobs, yeah. They were all in Sinnoh, mostly in nearby cities but sometimes they'd send me out to one of the more distant ones for a job, though not too often. Usually I was fine with the jobs they gave me but I did argue on a number of them... looking back on it I really don't know why they put up with me. Maybe desperate to keep the people they had? I dunno," he said with a small shrug. "In any case, I did jobs for them and sometimes targeted other people I saw fit to. Back then I imagined myself some kind of vigilante or something, going after criminals that the law couldn't or wouldn't touch." Thinking back on it, it had been a naive and obviously dangerous way of thinking, but it had seemed reasonable at the time.. relatively.  

[TawnyAngel]

What had their reasons been? Zevran made a thoughtful noise. "You must have been a valuable asset to them. Perhaps they had others working for them? Or perhaps they themselves were the only others, if so then any job you took was one they did not need to risk themselves on. Even if you were difficult and refused some you were still less trouble than you were worth, perhaps." It was all speculation but talking and speculating seemed to be the order of the evening and he was quite content with that; he was learning more about Abel and avoiding thinking unpleasant thoughts both at once.

"Did it help? How you were feeling about Amelia I mean. You felt as though you were making a difference?" Zevran gave Abel another gentle squeeze as he asked this, he felt as though it might be a sensitive one.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel shook his head a little. "Oh, no, they definitely had others working for them. I met a handful but not all of them, I didn't really... care for any of them. Technically speaking I was working for an organization where, if I wasn't part of it, I would've considered everyone else a mark to go after at some point. And yeah, it did help a bit, in some way... I felt like I was making the world a slightly better place sometimes, though other times I felt kind of... despondent I guess, because there just seemed to be so many others out there no matter how many I targeted."

After a brief, thoughtful pause he continued. "But I worked there for a few years, doing more or less the same thing, and I always checked out the marks they wanted me to eliminate. Eventually over the few years I worked there, I stopped checking so thoroughly... and stopped checking at all. I guess since they'd only been giving me targets I didn't mind doing for so long I thought, I don't know, that they'd keep doing that? I don't know," he admitted with a brief huff and small shrug. His brows knitted together and his lips formed a thin line as the memory came to mind. "It was stupid of me, I realized after a while. I don't know what made me check again after I completed a job, I think I just got this bad feeling about something, so I checked. Too little too late I realized that my latest mark - and a handful of others before them - were people I never would've agreed to get rid of. I never would've taken those jobs had I actually checked them out first, but I didn't. Looking back on it I don't know if they were waiting for me to get to that point to take advantage and give me more jobs, or if it was just coincidence or they thought I got over it or what, I've no idea, but the fact of the matter was I'd killed people I never would've had I actually bothered to look into them."  

[TawnyAngel]

Zevran listened in silence as Abel spoke, and when he fell silent he tilted his head back to kiss Abel's jaw. "You trusted them... or at least trusted that things would stay the same. I'm sorry." From what Abel had told him he must have felt terrible guilt when he had discovered the truth and so Zevran snuggled closer against him and squeezed him tightly, he didn't know what else to say but gestures spoke well for themselves.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

"Yeahh, I did," the taller blond affirmed with one more small shrug. "I shouldn't have though, but I did. It was stupid of me, incredibly so, and it's something I can't ever take back." He could still see their faces - the pictures on the papers he'd been given for each job - and he had a sneaking suspicion they'd haunt him forever.

...but the warmth and love he felt for the man snuggling closer to him staved off the guilt and regret a bit. Abel smiled and hugged his boyfriend a little tighter, the skin along his jaw tingling a bit where Zev kissed it. "The end result of that was I went and killed the leader off - he'd been the one who recruited me and had been giving me missions - then I took the file they kept on me and left. I thought that was the only file, but obviously there was a second copy somewhere. Alyssa - Patty - worked there too. I'd heard of her, of course, though I never met her then. That's how she knew about me, though finding me here in Kodo was pure chance."  

[TawnyAngel]

"Things that are done cannot be changed, all we can do is carry on." That felt fitting for everything they had spoken of tonight though his idea of carrying on seemed to be different to Abel's, he would much rather never speak or think of any of it... Well any of it that was to do with him, he was more than glad to listen to Abel.

"And yes, of course, I remember what you said of her that night- or was it morning?" Zevran gave a brief laugh that made him wince slightly. "I hadn't been sure how she fitted in precisely... I suppose she must have left seeking new opportunities and found her new circle here. Too bad for her that her new start did not end as well as yours!" Or his own.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

All they could do was carry on... How relevant was that to recent events? Extremely so, though Zevran probably realized it too. Pointing it out wouldn't accomplish anything except making him feel worse. "Mmh, that's true. That's what I had to do -- what I've been trying to do my whole life. Sometimes it's easier to do than other times. But yeah, whatever time it was that I told you - morning or night - that's how she fit into the whole picture. I'd assumed the whole place kind of fell apart after I killed him but maybe it did, maybe it didn't," he said with a slight shrug. "Either way I left and never thought about it or them again until she showed up. That's why I moved out of Sinnoh actually, and moved to Unova. I killed him then spent the day getting rid of anything I couldn't carry before I moved as soon as possible. My time in Unova's a much shorter story in that regard; shortly after I moved I learned about Zorua and caught Sonia to help me out. She was a fast learner and was eager to please at the time, so training her wasn't too difficult and she's helped me out more and more over the years. While I was in Unova I did more or less the same things I did in Sinnoh, just... without the vaguely threatening organization to work for. I worked at a gun range during the day, at night I'd look into or go after targets, and after a while I met Molly. That's...." Abel trailed off thoughtfully as he tried to think of anything else he could add, anything he'd missed, but couldn't find anything. "That's about it I think."

Another pause.

"This is weird to talk about," the taller blond admitted with a slightly rueful smile.  

[TawnyAngel]

Sometimes it was easier to do than others, had truer words ever been spoken? Not often he suspected. The thought that Abel's first employers could still be out there with a grudge was a small knot of worry in his gut but if they hadn't done anything yet perhaps they just didn't care to? If they hadn't fallen apart and somebody else had take the reins they might in fact be quite kindly disposed toward Abel and happy to let him get on with his life, far away from them. Perhaps. Nevertheless he would now be a bit more alert when they went to Sinnoh than he might otherwise have been.

"Thank you for telling me this," Zevran said after a rather long pause. "I ah... I understand what you mean, about it being strange to speak about. How do you put into words something you had meant for so long to take to the grave?" In his own case he had never even thought about the things he had now told Abel, or at least he had tried very hard not to. "Ah, and so, when you were with Molly you stopped doing it?" Was he jumping in too soon with questions? It had seemed like Abel had more or less finished so perhaps not?  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel smiled, gave his boyfriend's shoulder a squeeze and planted a soft kiss atop his head. "You're welcome, and... I'm glad you understand. I'd always told myself I'd never tell anyone, that I'd take it with me when I died, but obviously that's changed. It was always such a... sure thing, I guess, that I'd never tell anyone, so actually talking about it feels really strange, yeah. Like I shouldn't be talking about it, but," and then he shrugged in lieu of finishing the sentence properly. Zevran understand what he meant, how he felt; that was what mattered most. How lucky was he to have him? More lucky than he'd ever understand.

"Oh, no, I didn't stop when I started dating her," he went on with a shake of his head before he could get too distracted by his own thoughts. "I kept doing it, though I never let her find out of course. Which was.. the biggest reason why she left me, actually, though indirectly. Considering what I was doing and the kind of life I'd been leading for years at that point, I figured I shouldn't ever, y'know, settle down and get married. It wasn't for me, I kept telling myself, and I told her too that I couldn't do it. Getting married and having kids was what she wanted most though, and even though we stuck it out a while despite that, I couldn't blame her when she left me to go find someone who would marry her and have kids with her. Not that that stopped me from being upset about it of course, but things worked out well in the end, I think," Abel finished with a warm smile as he pressed another kiss to his boyfriend's hair. "You make me happier than anyone else I've ever met, let alone dated."  

[TawnyAngel]

Zevran sighed softly and reached up to trace the line of Abel's jaw with his thumb. "I understand, and I am here for you." Perhaps there should be more to say than that, but that felt like the most important part so perhaps it didn't matter all that much.

"And I suppose they did," he continued after a pause. "She is happy with her husband and... Ahah, well, as you say you are happy with me. It still surprises me but I am glad. More than glad."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

As his love's finger traced a soft line across his jaw, it brought with it a warm, happy smile. "And I appreciate that more than I can put into words. I appreciate you more than I can put into words, and you already know I'm here for you too." Always, he would always be there for him whether Zevran needed him or not.

A breath of a laugh escaped him as he lifted his free hand to curl loosely around Zevran's arm and simply rest there. "She seems like it, but I'm willing to bet I'm happier than she is. It still surprises me too sometimes, especially since I was never really interested in guys before - or maybe I'm not really, and it's just you I'm interested in - but I'm glad too. Glad's a bit of an understatement though, I agree," he added with a brief chuckle.  

[TawnyAngel]

Zevran gave a soft huff that almost sounded amused, and perhaps he was a little amused at the sheer absurdity of this life he was leading now. "I know. I still feel as though this is all a dream I will wake up from sometimes, too good to be true. Heh. Though I suppose there is no reality check quite like being shot in the chest, I usually wake up when I get shot in dreams. And as for the rest," Zevran smirked and trailed a finger down Abel's chest, "I find it quite flattering to be an exception to the rule, so until further notice I shall imagine that." He didn't deserve this. He shouldn't be making jokes, feeling happiness churning in with the guilt and the grief. It had definitely been easier not to feel at all but he wouldn't go back to that now, couldn't if he tried. "You have changed my life Abel. Completely."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

"Mmmh, well in that case, that's what we'll call it," he sighed contentedly, enjoying the feel of Zevran's finger tracing a line down his chest, then gave his boyfriend a soft squeeze. "I'm glad I could change yours, hopefully for the better? I know you've changed mine too. I'm glad to have met you, I'm glad that you're mine - and I'm glad to be yours - you make me glad for a lot of things, now that I think about it."