[FIN] Playing Pretend

[BlackFireKitsune]

Out of all of that, everything he'd just said, rather than focus on what could potentially be a threat to his own well-being - his life, again - he was more stricken by the knowledge the teens hadn't died. Once more Zevran was more concerned with someone else's welfare above his own, and these ones would've raised weapons against him. It was one thing to show your boyfriend more concern than yourself, but a stranger who would do you harm? That was another thing entirely, and a thing Zevran did whether he realized it or not. The knowledge filled his heart with warm, fuzzy feelings that felt odd and out of place given the subject of the conversation, but they remained for a few moments at least.

"That's right," Abel said as he gave his love - his sweet, precious love - a gentle squeeze and another kiss to his fine blond hair. "Or at least they were still alive when they left. I don't know where they went - or Luciana - after they left the warehouse or how they're faring now, but they were at least alive when they left. Sonia scared them off, apparently, before they could get too caught up in everything. I've no idea about Luciana though, it sounds like she left before they did."  

[TawnyAngel]

"Luciana," Zevran echoed, using the time to gather his thoughts a little. Three of them, alive. He didn't care one way or the other about Luciana but the nameless two; having their deaths on his conscience had been a heavy weight. "I suppose they will have regrouped wherever it was they were staying. Luciana was only here to repay a debt and... well that is hardly a concern for her now. She has probably taken them home, crafted some tale to explain it all." She would no doubt have blamed the whole affair on Taliesen, claimed it had happened during whatever pretence of a contract they had left Antiva with, and probably she would escape the whole affair unscathed.

And the two apprentices would go back to being apprentices.

"I expect they will all be fine," Zevran continued in light tones as his heart sank again. "Perhaps Luciana will take them under her wing if she was pleased with their good sense here." They would be more likely to survive to a reasonable age with a mentor watching their backs... and it had seemed from they way they had stood together and glanced at one another they they had one another's too. Were they so very different to how he and Taliesen had been? They'd had their ink by the age the pair had looked but perhaps they had been inducted older, and so were not so advanced in their training.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

"Mmh..." The thought that they'd regrouped and went back to Antiva was both a good and a bad one; good because it meant they wouldn't be in Kodo to bother Zevran, but bad because it meant their lives were in danger again just from the nature of the organization they'd been pulled into. Sold into, possibly. It was a heavy thought either way. "Well... they didn't die there, and we can only hope they'll be okay wherever they are now." Antiva, probably.

Abel gave his boyfriend another gentle squeeze and leaned forward to kiss his shoulder. "You're sure no one else will come after you? It doesn't sound like it, but..."  

[TawnyAngel]

Zevran sighed softly and shook his head. "I don't think so. I don't know how Taliesen found out I was alive but I... I don't think he would have shared the knowledge. I am dead to them, I hope. I suppose I can never know for certain though." There was always a chance that somebody would pick up his trail and hunt him down, and that was no more than he deserved for all he had been complicit in. It would probably be better for his soul if he felt worse about the assassinations than he did but anyone whose enemies were rich enough to afford a Crow contract were probably not good people; some people just needed to die, why should he feel bad for being the instrument of brutal justice?

"And they will be Crows," Zevran said blandly. "If they are good at it they will have wealth and comfort, and they will be useful tools. If they are very good they will have power and become the ones to use such tools. I am not sure what to wish for them." He did not feel bad for what he had done, but he felt cold thinking of the lives those two would live compared the one he had for himself now.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

The taller blond left another few soft, slow kisses on Zevran's shoulder. "I hope they think you're dead then.. especially now. I'd like to think they'll leave you alone from now on. And... that's tough then. I suppose... wish for them to get away like you did, and not be hunted down or anything. It'd be nice if they could get away from the Crows and just.. live more normal lives. I've no idea if that'll happen or not, but it'd be nice to think about." He could hope, but he wouldn't know. They probably would never see them again -- and he dearly hoped they wouldn't see another Crow after Zev again either.  

[TawnyAngel]

"Sure," Zevran replied rather blandly, "it would be nice." It wouldn't happen, unless perhaps one killed the other or laughed while somebody else did.

"Why do you want to talk of such things when we are suppose to be having a break?" Zevran didn't look at Abel but his voice said a lot; it was tense, slight accusatory.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Ah.. he didn't sound very... into that thought. Or rather, he didn't sound like it was something that would ever happen.

Neither did he.

Aaaand not only that, but he'd been caught. Damn. Oh well, it was coming one way or the other. Abel pressed one last kiss on his boyfriend's shoulder as he pondered how best to phrase his reply. "Mmh, I'd wanted to come here for a weekend trip for a few different reasons, more than just taking a break with you. It gives us room to talk about stuff we wouldn't want to discuss with anyone else - human or pokemon - around, and... what happened is one of those things we can't really discuss around anyone, and I think it's important to talk about."  

[TawnyAngel]

"...Oh." Zevran was silent for a few moments, and very still in Abel's arms. "You tricked me."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

That... hurt. A soft frown creased his brow - not that Zev would see it - as he felt his heart sink a bit. "No, I didn't. I did want to just spend time with you - alone, without anyone else - because I just wanted to, because I think it'd do us both some good. But it's also a good opportunity to talk about things... about what happened at the warehouse, and other stuff too. I know I've been wanting to tell you about my past too, just... not at home, with everyone else around to overhear."  

[TawnyAngel]

"Oh so you try to pacify me by exchanging?" Zevran pulled away from Abel, forced himself to his feet and turned to face him; the warm though distant expression he had worn earlier was replaced by a tight-lipped glare. "You want to share? So share, I am always listening to you because I care for you! I do not wish to share and so why should I? Or has it become inconvenient for me to make my own decisions now?" Standing up so suddenly had sent a great spike of pain through his chest, it was hard to draw breath and harder to keep his balance. He could feel his knees starting to give way but he was powerless to stop it.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

When Zevran moved away and stood Abel didn't stop him, even if he wanted to. He was still healing, still recovering, and still needed to take it easy. Standing abruptly from a relaxed sitting position on a bed wasn't really taking it easy. Even still he shifted as well, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed to sit there just in case the shorter blond needed support whether he wanted it or not. The jabs stung, of course, but Zev wasn't entirely wrong. He probably should've brought it up beforehand, but then wouldn't Zevran have worried and stressed about it the whole time until the time finally arrived? Would he not have wanted to go at all just to avoid talking about it? He wouldn't know now.

"You know I always encourage you to make your own decisions Zev, and the only reason I want you to share is because I care for you. I know you've always bottled everything up or pushed it down as far as you could and just let it stay there, never really getting better, and now I'm seeing you do the same thing with this. You're not letting yourself heal from it, and I'm just... I'm worried about you. I don't want this to become another thing you can't think or talk about without getting stressed or upset months or years down the line because you never let yourself heal from it, but I'm worried that's what'll happen."  

[TawnyAngel]

He had to sit down again quite suddenly as his head spun and what strength he'd had in his legs ebbed away. "How can it not be one of those things? And what is there to say about it?" Zevran hissed; his shoulders were tense as he leaned forward, one hand raised to his forehead as he waited for the dizziness to pass. Why was Abel making him think about this? If he cared wouldn't he leave him alone? No, he would not, because he thought he knew best.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel quickly scooted to the side to give Zev more room to sit and his hands lifted as if to help steady him but stopped halfway. As much as he wanted to, touching him probably wasn't the best thing to do at the moment, if past experiences were anything to go by. His fingers flexed uncertainly before one returned to his lap and the other hand settled on the bed beside him. Damn, why couldn't he be good at this? Why couldn't he be better at this? Now Zev was no doubt in pain and undoubtedly pissed. s**t. Suddenly a little uncertain now, Abel floundered for a moment to find the words to speak. "Ah.. You just talk about it -- about how you feel, what you think.. about what happened, or about Taliesen, just something instead of bottling it up forever." He couldn't bottle it up forever and never talk about it or Taliesen ever again. They'd been best friends, and while it had to hurt now eventually he'd want to think back on his best friend and the time they'd spent together, all the things they'd done and everything? He couldn't want to just never think about him again, try to forget about him? He couldn't want that, surely.  

[TawnyAngel]

He gripped the edge of the bed so tightly that his bony knuckles whitened with the force. "I killed him." He had pulled the trigger before he'd realised Taliesen had done the same. They must both have had the same thought at almost the same moment, that the only option left was to murder their best friend. Why had that been the only option? Why hadn't he talked him down? He should have been able to, he knew Taliesen better than anyone! He hadn't tried hard enough, he had been too busy trying to appear cool and calm to try to connect.

Zevran squeezed his eyes shut and drew in a shaky breath; it was his fault.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Seeing his boyfriend in so much pain made his heart ache terribly, and once more he felt the urge to hug him, to hold him or touch him somewhere just to offer some sort of contact, but once more refrained. Zevran didn't always appreciate contact when he was upset, and he didn't want to agitate him more than he already was. Good job Abel, excellent boyfriend skills. Upset yours by making him relive probably the most traumatic experience he's ever had. Wonderful. "I... I know. He almost did the same to you, at the same time, and I... for a while I thought he had," he admitted, his voice softening a bit as his gaze shifted down to a particularly interesting section of the carpet. "I can't even imagine how it must feel. I've been trying, but I obviously don't know." He could guess - and he'd done quite a bit of guessing in recent weeks - but he didn't know. It was a pretty easy guess to think it had to be literally the worst feeling in the world though.

...that he was making him think about more. Perfect, good job.