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True Journal Entry #1: Apethetic feelings... |
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yep... just as it says....
I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I must face my first year of college at PJC... I was hoping to avoid it... but it's too late now.
Wensday my family went over to visit UNT, and we had alot of fun. It's a nice campus, definatly not this huge amazing college of my dreams, but I long before decided I'd have to settle for something smaller than that... my family can't really afford for me to go to a private college, which would be amazing in my opion to go to. So, a more public school had to become my option. In the end, I picked UNT. Why? It has Asain studies and it's closer to home. You see, my other option was USM. However, it did not have Asain studies, and it was further from home. Of course, what I failed to realize at the time was that going to USM would mean not having to spend my first year at a Junior college and a house to live in. It's too late for that now, though...
You see, my father was about to place a bid on a house that was just a block away from the school. A good fixer-upper with a "mother-in-law" room that my brother was to have, and 2 bedrooms in the main house: 1 for me and the other either for the parents or a room mate. Right as my dad was making the bid, I decided on UNT, so he canceled it... now the house is out of the question...
This would have solved the whole problem of housing, the main reason my parents can't afford both my brother and I to go off to college. If we had gone to the same place, the parents could easily bought one house for the two of us and not have had to worry. With us going to 2 different places, well... yeah....
Now, my dad had decided he was going to put me in an RV for my college years. There was a nice RV park that was about $400 a month that was about 1.5 miles from the school. When we went to visit Wensday, we discovered that in order to live off campus as a freshman, you have to be married, live with a parent/gardian, live with a married siboling, have a kid, be married, or suport a family/other people... I don't have those option, expecially (and most deffenatly) not the having a baby one... Who knows though, maybe I'll marry someone and tell them to live in a different room of the house and stay away wink Gotta love evil financial stuff like that.
Actually, I wouldn't really consider it. I'm too young to marry, at least maturity-wise for myself.
Anyways, so... unless my dad sells everything he owns or comes out of retirement, then he can't afford me to live on campus paying $800 a month.... 'cause he has to pay for Ty as well... Ty'll have a job, so will I. Ty will be making more money, since he's just transferring from one Radio Shack to anther. Me? Well... I haven't worked anywhere but my dance studio. Megan knows some girls who own studios in Denton, so I could look at there... but it still wouldn't be enough... my books, true... but how quick do you think those will take off, if they ever do?
Anyways, i've come to the conclusion it's my own darn fault. I've been broken... my spirt feels down... I was crying and yelling at myself this morning... saying nasty things to myself... like.... "I hate you!" and... 'You're a failure!".... yeah... serious self-esteem issues....
Do I hate myself or really think I'm a failure? well... I'm deffinatly mad at myself... hate is such a strong word.... failure? .... failure.... well, let's just see if I can't turn this around... it may be true now, but that still doesn't mean there's not time to fix things... I believe my dieing day is not tomorrow, or the next day, or a year from now, or so on and so forth. I'm hoping God has a litte bigger plan for me than death at a young age.... Anyways, if I must die at a young age, God, come on, let it not be tomorrow.... Aldona's already paid the church to have me babysit her daughter tomorrow... Oh, and, let's wait 'till after the church trip if You don't mind... Katie would have to go alone without me, and I think the other church kids scare her... when she thought she may have to go alone 'cause I hadn't turned my stuff in, she was freaking out... Yeah, I'm sure You remember that....
Ah, yeah... i guess for Katie's sake I can't die soon anyways... she'd be so lonely without me... I'm not sure if I should put her worst fear down, but God, hey, You know it.
Anyways... where was I? oh yeah, failing and turning things around.... well... another thing I said this morning was that I have nothing... other than God, Jesus, and my books... so... I'm about to publish the first one... yeppers... as soon as Shannon gives it back as well as his suggestions... I'm crossing my fingers it's good enough... 'cause if it ain't... dang... there goes one hope of mine to pay for college... and who knows... if it's good enough, I may not have to go to college... I'll probably still go anyways... just for the heck of it... have some bs degree like my father... ha... yep... they made-up a degree just to get rid of my dad.... lol...
I hope I don't end up like that.... it's a fun story to tell, but... yeah...
so... my mom wants me to be a pharmist. I'm afraid I'd kill someone with how I loose track of things... plus... biology... *shivvers* and after AP chem, I'm not sure if I like science as much as I use to think I did.... but I went to a Chinese restraunt today, and before opening up my cookie (okay, it was actually after I opened it, but before I pulled the paper out), I made a prayer that God would give me a message on it... 'cause I feel no direction in my life... so I was kinda hoping, even though fourtune cookies aren't normally connected to God, that He'd make sure it was a message I needed... thinking it'd be some "Yay, you get money" or something like that-sorta-thing.... ... : "You could make a name for yourself in medcine" .... .... ... what do you think? I was thinking more of design, and computer design, or just some kind of designing 'cause I like art and designing things and messing with computers... but... that message was rather creepy if you ask me.... what do you think?
peace
God bless
ps Chelsey called herself a failure because she didn't do what she was told to do and didn't really get any scholarships... if she had done the right thing, she'd have had plenty of scholarship stuff from UNT, expecially that top 10% deally, and she would have tried for art scholarship, but no, she goes and decides that she's only going to apply to this one college she knows she's not going to get to go to anyways, so she ends up... failing at scholarships, so it's her own fault that she didn't apply to all colleges she was looking at and applying to scholarships for them and such and such... so she considers herself a failure because of that
And that is which she needs to turn around. She may not be able to go back and get what she has lost, but she can save and work hard to get money to go to college on so she's not that big of a burden on her family... she'll still be one, but she's hoping... she also may look into student loans... hmmm....
well, God bless, since God's blessings... well... you can never get enough of God protection, eh?
mysticalfairymagic · Sat Jun 07, 2008 @ 05:38am · 0 Comments |
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