It's 2:30 am and I am not super great. I started once again overthinking and wondering where everything went wrong. The entire situation is so confusing and disgusting to me, and I can't stop poking it and vomiting.
I miss my ex. Somehow in my brain I wired it so that if he is with me, I feel like everything is ok. Seeing him is a jolt and hugging him is a sigh of relief.
He wanted me to take him back. It was near July fourth; fireworks. We sat and talked all night outside my house. We argued. We petted a dog named Happy. He told me I was the one he wanted. It was such sweet vindication. All my life it felt like I had been chasing after this goddamn man. But I was scared because he had hurt me and he was honestly kinda wrecked looking so I said no.
There's a lot to think about in terms of appearances. He has an ex who is poison herself. She nonstop posts selfies of herself in which she looks goddann gorgeous but they aren't reality but you think they are because they are photos. And looking at this curated girl you think she's some kind of saint--like ok she is a little dumb with immature interests, but these flaws shrink, and her every small strength is amplified just because she has fat lips and baby eyes and advertises herself as an eccentric old soul part Khmer and Cambodian and whatever.
And I think about how my ex at his shittiest would chase after these southeast Asian women online like a crazy person, trying to fill this Asian gap in his goddamn life that she left. This artificial facade of prettiness that pulls in these shallow followers and even I although disgusted by the sheer volume of vanitas and melodrama she builds out of herself can't loook away; it's a car wreck. At least that's what I think. I'm always trying to explain in the hopes of finding some resolution. The pressure builds and builds. The last time I felt good was when I texted him and he texted back last week and now I'm a wreck again and can't tell. I guess I should stay away from him. That's what common sense says. But I don't know if I want to lose something so big. I'd feel neutered.
And I think about looks. And I think about artificial identities. How we spend more time with photos of people than we do people. How I have a kind boyfriend who I feel secure with, except that I can't quite open my heart as much with him and don't share interests and am not sure I respect him, but he's kind to me and I would be so proud to be with him if he worked out and grew out his hair and cared about what he wore.
And my ex is occassionally hot and occasionally embarrassing to be seen with too, but I don't know if the feelings are different because I was crazy about him and didn't mind so much. Except that I had him I almost had him and I thought I made the right choice but I do not know what I want.
I guess something casual. But I don't want to break my boyfriend's heart. But I know I have to. I tried but it's hard to do, he's always so happy and in love. And my body likes him; he makes me feel secure, but I don't know if I should listen to that. I'm so lonely. I wish I had been his best friend. He was mine and now he's gone and I can't talk to him about this to get clarity. I suspect he's utilitarian. It's terrifying. I believe he'll be back; it's become a kind of religion in that it's baseless.
sora wonk Community Member 
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