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  • Artist Info: She slowly peered through her fingers at the image appearing in the mirror. The reflection of herself; of her face and her mind and her soul. Disdain. The only feeling she had toward it. Utter abhorrence for the figure emerging from the shadows. She quickly shut her eyes and eased a hand onto the cool glass. It soothed her; yet she did not want to open her eyes. She did not wish to see the monster placed before her in the reflection. The monster that was her. People would say that she were lovely. That she were sweet. That she were caring. But she knew that deep down inside, deep within her, was a different center. As each day passed, she could feel her veins gradually freezing over. Her blood turning to ice; body shutting down and turning against her. Freezing her heart over, until it became black and frostbitten. Shriveled like a rotten fruit, dark and cold and jaundiced. Bitterness grew within her. Engulfed her from the inside, crept its way through her muscles and ligaments and tendons like sinewy, intruding vines. Right into her organs. Right into her brain until the sadness came pouring out her mouth and her eyes in great, black torrents. Falling and spurting profusely in the form of misguided words and glances. Darting eyes and tears and veins and blood and phrases that made no sense and coughs and splutters and gasps for air. Her hands were being guided around her neck, not by herself, but by the world that had created her. She was a masterpiece of society and expectations. She had not developed naturally, she had merely been formed, created; molded into the shape of a girl. A girl of sadness, hurt and loss. What the fuck is wrong with this world and this species? Lately, I have been feeling incredibly bitter. I am unbelievably angry and upset at myself for reasons unknown to me. I am angry and upset at most people around me and I am not feeling very tolerant. I am not completely sure why, but I feel like everything at the moment is very formal in my mind. Everything I have said to people in the past few hours I have said very formally. I do not quite understand why, but at the moment I feel as if I am, I am not quite sure how to put this, writing letters to 'inform people'. If you understand that. Do you know that tone you think or write in when you are writing letters to 'inform someone of something.' Well in my mind, at present, everything is in that tone. I am incredibly sick of some things. Yet, I cannot seem to muster the words to describe the way I feel about them. Why can I not just leave my negative little world of thoughts and just live my life? I seem to always be saying that I believe people should be allowed to do whatever it is that pleases them. Why must I be so negative about so much? Could it be I am pathetic? I have come to the conclusion that it is because I am at times more mature than my years. And I am sure by saying that, you are going to make assumptions that I am a complete floob. But it is times such as these, when I believe myself to be somewhat 'more mature' than most in some aspects, that I begin to think that perhaps I just sound like some kind of self important/self obsessed teenager by saying that. Am I that? I quite possibly could be, but I am so blinded by my, I am not even quite sure what, that I cannot see my own immaturity. I do not know. I am sorry. It seems I am not making much sense today, but then again, do I ever? Everything just kind of becomes irrelevant, my mind just gets so preoccupied with the way I am feeling and thinking. It is as if everything loses its novelty, or its meaning. In my eyes most things have lost all sense of importance, yet I continue to look at things so deeply. It does not really make sense. But it does to me. I see mostly everything as having no point of existence, I feel almost selfish? It makes me feel really terrible, but I become so self absorbed. It makes me feel horrid. But a lot of things lose priority and meaning. I get too worked up over little things or obsessed with little pointless details that do not actually matter at all. Just everything. What matters? It is as if I wish no longer to feel, so I do not care. Just like everything has just started to become ruined. Everything that use to matter has just deteriorated into a pile of ashes. I use to like going out and seeing people, but I do not even want to do that anymore. The thought of actually being in a social situation right now does not appeal to me in the slightest. Is that selfish? It is like I have two views of everything. One half of me wants to go and forget about everything and just go crazy and have fun, simply because it means I can forget about this shit going on in my mind. But the other half just cannot be bothered. It knows I will just end up getting upset anyways and sitting there in silence. It just wants to lie on the ground and stare up into the abyss of stars and think about life. Half of me wants to be young and take risks, but I feel as if deep inside I simply know that can not be. I think that I have these two views because they are both manners of me escaping. It all becomes a blur in my mind. But by escaping the world and people and being alone, I feel so wholesome. I feel like everything is pure and as it should be. It actually makes me feel like I am alive. I want to go and forget reality even exists. Then again, I want to go and create a whole new reality for myself. Both ways allow my escape. I suppose this type of thinking is probably not normal for someone my age. But the only thing is, that either way, I still feel like shit. Even though I find ways to escape from my life and reality, I still find that I feel terrible either way I choose. I simply just want to escape, no matter the cost. Do you know what is stupid? Every day I feel like I am being crushed by everything. I feel so worn out. I feel like there is a pair of hands constantly resting on my neck, but at moments they suddenly tighten and tighten until I can not breathe and just as I feel like I have reached the end, they loosen their grip and hover above my skin. I see no hope. All I ever see is destruction. And I know, one could say that if I just tried to do something about it throughout my life I could maybe help change some things. But really? Do you think I have not tried that before? In my mind there is no possibility that there will ever be total contentment. There will never be peace. There will never be an end to all of those horrendous things. I see no end to them. Simply because humans are selfish, self indulgent creatures and even though you could try to deny it, deep within you still lives your natural instinct. Within everyone still lives the purest form of human instinct, which is to survive, no matter the cost. You find that sickening? I do. Even though we all try to cover that, try to subconsciously push it away, be polite, follow rules, be a good caring compassionate person, there is no denying that you are still human. You still have that ruthless instinct within you. For many people living without it, trying to train out the inbuilt selfishness of humanity works. Of course there are beautiful people on this earth. The good people here are wonderful. But I do not know. I guess I am just a glass half empty kind of person. I seem to have sort of snapped out of this weird rant now. I always do shit like that. I get all worked up over some little topic and get all crazy. I do not even make sense, only to myself. I do not feel like going anywhere today. I do not wish to see anyone. Even when I am with someone else, sometimes I feel like I am subconsciously sitting at a table all alone in the corner of a dark room. And I watch as people talk and laugh with each other just like they have been taught throughout their lives. Ignoring anything that actually matters. Once again I have lost my plot. I am sorry for this weird rant that ended up so pointlessly long. I just needed to let some things out. This is the only way I knew how, exactly. I am just feeling like crap at the moment. Nothing new there though, I suppose.
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