• The Challenge


    [The USS Enterprise is orbiting a far off planet]

    Uhura: Captain, we’re getting a transmition.

    Kirk: Alright, put it through

    [Two faces appear in front screen]

    Edward: Hello Enterprise. My name is Edward Cullen, and this is my friend Spike.

    [Spike waves]

    [Kirk and Spock look at each other]

    Edward: We wish to propose a challenge. There has been much debate on who would win between us and you all.

    [Kirk turns to Spock]

    Kirk: Who are they?

    Spock: Vampires. Alternate versions of humans. [Under his breath] Very illogical creatures.

    [Kirk turns to screen]

    Kirk: What are the terms of your proposal?

    Spike: A combat of wits and strength.

    [Spock raises eyebrow]

    Kirk: Where and when?

    Edward: Here and now.

    Spock [to screen]: But you are on Earth and we are in space. It is illogical for us to reach Earth with our distance at this precise moment

    Spike: I thought you had one of those tele-porter thingies. Can’t you use that?

    [Kirk turns to Spock]

    Kirk: I think we can do it, right Scotty?

    Scotty [from overhead]: Aye Captain! I think wee can do it!

    Kirk: Great! We’re coming down!

    Scotty: Aye!

    Spock: But captain, wait, I find this very ill-

    Kirk: “Illogical.” Yes, but come on Spock! We haven’t been doing anything for a long while! The Klingons are not doing anything, and we finally lost the fan-girls!

    [Kirk and Spock shutter]

    Kirk [to screen]: Ok, we’ll do it. Just give us your coordinates.

    Spock: Captain, please-

    Kirk: Spock, relax. This will be an easy fight. . . After all, we have phasers!

    [Kirk and Spock walk to beam room]

    Kirk: Scotty, you ready?

    Scotty: Aye sir!

    Spock: Captain! Please, we need to come up with a strategy. These are Vampires we’re dealing with.

    Kirk [annoyed]: Alright, fine. What do you propose we do?

    [Spock thinks]

    Spock: Scotty, if I may. . .

    [Spock takes Scotty’s seat]

    Kirk: Spock, what are you doing?!

    Spock: They said they wanted a combat of wits. I’m using my logic.

    [Kirk looks at Scotty, both shrug]

    ~~~


    [Edward and Spike, shirtless, pose dramatically as they wait]

    Edward: What is taking them so long?

    Spike: I don’t know! What. . . what’s that! What’s hap-!

    [Edward and Spike are covered in light, then disappear]

    ~~~


    [Spock stands up]

    Spock: All done.

    [Kirk and Scotty look confused]

    Scotty: If you don’t mind me askin’, but what did you do?

    Spock: Well, our enemies are Vampires. [Shrugs]. I did the only logical thing to do that would let us win the challenge.

    Kirk: What’s that?

    [Spock grins evilly]

    Spock: I sent them to the sun.

    [Kirk is face-palm.]



    EPILOUGE!


    [Bella and Buffy are standing over two empty graves]

    Bella: [in tears] Why?! I loved him! I’m going to cut myself! I can’t be alone! I just cant!

    Buffy: He was a b*****d. But. . .

    [Bella has a spaze attack]

    [Jacob is in the far distance. He is running to the two women.]

    Jacob: Bella! Don’t worry! I’ll protect you-!

    [Jacob trips and falls into an open grave]

    Buffy: Did you hear something?

    Bella: No. . .

    Buffy: What now?

    [Bella wipes eyes]

    Bella: I guess this means that Edward was too week. Sure he sparkled in the sunlight, but his glitter-skin was not match for the sun. . . What I need is a strong, hot man who will protect me properly!

    Buffy: That wolf-kid?

    Bella: Jacob? Ah hell nah.

    Buffy: [confused] Then who?

    [Bella grins]

    Bella: SPOCK! [swoons]


    -FIN-