• Counselor Natalie: Everybody pull out your camp manual, OK stay with me. You need to pay attention to everything I say this is very important so you'd better listen. Did you hear that
    Jessica? We are going to learn about survival when out in the woods. Wow! First of all can anybody guess what this is? That's right this is called a compass. Here the small letters, also known as nnnsssswheeeww... stand for North South East and West. To remember that think of Natalie Sometimes Eggs Widows. Now, the inner mechanisms of this compass consist of a small magnetised needle, which is a called a sinirlendirmek in Turkish. This needle is magnetised and will always point to the north pole. So if you get lost just look at the needle and it will take you to whatever way you need to go. Woah. So let's go through this again just one more time in case any of you weren't paying attention for some reason. JESSICA BE QUIET. So one more time thissss issss aaaaa commmmmpasss. (she draws a poorly constructed compass rose on the black board. She mixes up east and west) This is North, I think this is Wessss-west, South and East. Look at that, it's wonderful, no way. So if you are lost and you need to go North which way do you go? That's right! Follow the big ugly N right at the top of your compass. WOW. Questions? Jessica did you get all of that? Do I need to go over it again? K, good. (she erases the board)

    Next! If you don't have a compass for whatever reason, those being you lost it, you don't have enough money to buy one because your husband just left you to hang with those French Waitress Prostitutes in Vegas, or you're just an idiot then don't worry. You won't die yet. In the NORTHERN hemisphere you can orient yourself by using the NORTH star. NORTHern hemisphere, NORTH star. Norrrrtttthhhhhhhhhh! TH-TH-TH! It is never more than one degree away from the true north so, yeah. I have got a picture for you, here we go. Watch this you might get confused. Jessica, are you listening? No cookie for you. Alright, (she draws a picture of the big dipper with the little star that is above the pouring edge of the big dipper.) Imagine that there
    is a string attached to the big dipper's spoon here like this. Right here. Did you see that Jessica? Extend this line about five times the distance between these two stars to locate the north star. Woah right? (she erases the board once again) If you are in the southern hemispere you still won't die yet. You can stop crying now Jessica. (she draws the southern cross) This is called
    the SOUTHern cross in the SOUTHern hemisphere. Similar to the NORTH star in the NORTHern hemisphere. We all still remember that right? This constellation is made up four bright, sparkly, pretty stars that form this cross here shown on the board. This vertical line of the cross points to the South Pole.

    Stars are not the only thing that can help you if you are lost. Suppose you are lost during the day, there are no stars! What do you do! DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! We have a tool known
    as the sun. The sun will not let you down. The sun will always be there every day no matter what because the sun cares about you! The sun won't suddenly pack it's things, take your child, and leave you with nothing but your wedding photos to help you remember the pain you will have to suffer every day! (She begins to cry for a minute and is barely understandable) It was all my fault! I should have made breakfast lunch AND dinner every day! I am a terrible wife and I will never find love again! (Dramatic Pause) To find directions using the sun, drive a stick that is three feet or longer into the ground. You can use a midget if you have one. Make a mark at the end of the midget's shadow and wait ten to fifteen minutes and then you make another mark at the end of the shadow. After this you draw a big ol' straight line between the two, JESSICA LISTEN, the two marks. This line will always always, always, always (she looks in the manual) run east to west. The second mark made is always toward the east. A line at right angles to the one you drew runs north and south...and...ok let's skip the moon. It's too shady.

    WHAT TO DO WHEN LOST. The first thing you don't do is panic. Do not run around the woods like this, Oh my gosh, I'm lost I'm lost! Oh my gosh! I'm so lost! No, false. You will get
    yourself more lost than you were previously when you shouldn't even be lost in the first place. Do not get lost. We don't want to take time out of our day to find you. But if you do don't run around and go Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! I'm lost! What do I do! I'm lost oh no! Bad. Your safety, even your very life may depend on you not flipping out! Confusion, disorientation and panic are normal when you get lost. Do not give in to those. Those are the devil. Stay away from the devil or you will die! Again, don't run around and go Oh my gosh I am lost! I'm lost! You can pray. Pray, Oh heavenly father please help me get unlost, please. Amen. Stay were you are and pray. If you have a map, well you probably wouldn't have a map if you were lost because if you had a map you wouldn't get lost. Anyway the manual says if you have a map use it to determine landmarks. Suppose you are in Yellowstone. You can think, oh there's Old Faithful I can go this way. Wow. Another thing you can do is signal for help. Get a flag, a sleeping bag anything that does not blend in with the environment. Girls, right now you could take off your shirt and wave it around if you wanted. Don't worry about modesty, I would approve.