• As we enter our little story we meet little Anna. Anna is just a sweet little girl who dreams of someday being just like her idol, Michele Hotass. Michele is a famous super model who has posed for many prestigious and reputable magazines such as Sports Illustrated, Stuff magazine, Playboy, and most importantly Hustler. Yes, Michele truly is the pinnacle of womanhood, a goddess among us mere mortals. Why if all the girls could only be more like her the world would be a better place, and then maybe my wife would… uh… Ahem, well we'll not go into that. Oh, I'm sorry. I haven't introduced myself yet. How rude of me. I'm mister Knowitall Narrator Guy. I know everything about anything, unless you're the cops, and then I don't know anything about everything.

    Anyway back to the story at hand. Our little Anna wants to be just like Michele, as every girl should, when suddenly an unexpected yet plot essential commercial comes on the boob tube.

    "Do you want to live the exciting life of Michele Hotass but you've never left your home town?" Anna jumps in front of the TV with her nose in the screen

    "Wow it's like you read my mind," she says.

    "I didn't read your mind. Every girl wants to be like Michele, and now you can because have I got a deal for you! Michele Hotass is looking for one lucky girl to be her intern/ coffee getter/ bag carrier/ all around slave for the Ultra Mega Cast-iron chef cooking tournament!!! Cross dressers, transvestites, and fatties need not apply."

    "Wow!" says Anna with stars in her eyes, "That's just the thing for me"

    With much determination Anna writes a letter to Michele to try and get the position.

    "I'll write the best damn letter she's ever read!"

    Ha ha ha that's our sweet little Anna. I hope you get the job.

    "Excuse me mister narrator guy but don't you already know if I'll get the job or not?"

    What?! *cough* Oh of of course I do, I know everything that goes on in the story. The scene suddenly changes to the offices of Michele Hotass's manager; Where Michele is lazily sitting around reading the latest issue of her favorite magazine, Smut.

    "Michele" says the manager "I think you've got another stalker letter" Michele sits up in her seat

    "Let me see it" she says. She takes the letter from her manager's hands and starts to read.

    "Dear Michele I should get that job as your intern/ coffee getter/ bag carrier/ all around slave because I am your biggest fan. I have all your magazines, posters, action figures and make-up lines. You should see the shrine I have to you in my closet. If you pick me I will be the best intern/ coffee getter/ bag carrier/ all around slave you have ever had!!! But if I don't get the job I just don't know what I'll do!"

    "Aww she sounds like a sweet little girl" says Michele.

    "You've got to be kidding me" her manager says with sweat on his face "She sounds like a complete psychopath". Michele looks at him with fire in her eyes.

    "Look you're just a flat character in this story so keep your mouth shut and your opinions to yourself"

    And with that Michele kicks him through the door. Flat character indeed, why I don't think he even makes another appearance in this story.

    "I'm soorryy!!" he says as he flies out the door.

    "Right, now I'll teach this sweet little girl how to succeed in the model industry by forcing her to fetch my coffee/ bags/ and do all around slave labor!" Says Michele.

    Meanwhile back in Anna land, our unsuspecting heroine is day dreaming of how she'll make it big in the model industry through years of slave labor.

    "Wow I hope I get the position" Just then there's a knock on the door.

    "Who is it" she asks.

    "It's the mailman" she opens the door and receives a letter from the offices of the former manager of Michele Hotass. As she rips it open and begins to read it her eyes widen with excitement.

    "Congratulations Miss Anna Nolastname you have been accepted as miss Michele Hotass's intern/ coffee getter/ bag carrier/ all around slave. You will be taken for a grand trip to the Ultra Mega Cast-iron Chef tournament where you will learn what it takes to become a real super model through arduous labor. Here is you airline ticket, so pack your bags and get to work, you lazy bum!"

    "I made it" she said "Oh mister mailman what can I ever do to repay you for bringing such good news" she says in a sexy voice. The mailman's face turns red with embarrassment

    "Well um I guess you could go for a drink with me some time" he says as he scratches his head.

    "You yucky pervert" she screams "how could you take advantage of a sweet innocent little girl like me?!!"

    She slams the door in his face knocking him on the ground. With that Anna begins bouncing off the walls with excitement. I won I won I won!" she then crashes into the lamp and breaks it into a million pieces.

    "Wow I need to be more careful if I had parents in this story they'd be majorly pissed off right now"

    Anna quickly packs her bags and flies out the door and runs all the way to the airport, which she seems to have forgotten was four miles from her house. Oh silly Anna will you ever learn? "Man I finally made it here, maybe I should have stopped and called a cab. No, it's that kind of laziness that will keep me from ever becoming a super model!"

    Our sweet little heroine gets on her plane to meet the fabulous Michele Hotass and learn the ways of the super model. The scene then switches to Alaska, what happened during the flight you ask? Well I'm too lazy to narrate that much detail, so you'll just have to use your imagination. Ha ha ha, I'm so great.

    "Welcome to Alaska Anna" says Michele.

    "I'm freezing my a** off here, I thought we would be in the Bahamas so why are we here in Alaska in January?!!" Asks Anna in a very agitated manor.

    "Well that's just the luck of the draw, you can thank the people in creative writing" replies Michele.

    "Fine what ever, so why are we at a Chef tournament anyway?"

    "That's a very good question" replies Michele. "We're here because I'm one of the judges for the tournament and I just love eating. It's the biggest passion in my life after modeling"

    "But wouldn't a model have to watch what she eats" asked Anna.

    "Oh that's alright I have a black hole for a stomach" Michele lifts up her shirt to reveal a dark nothingness, a deep chasm, a swirling void in the universe where her navel should be.

    "But that's impossible, it defies all laws of physics or something" yells Anna in disbelief.

    "Nothings impossible in fiction silly" replies Michele.

    "Right silly me, I forgot the author is a burn out."

    As she says that her body begins to erase like a picture from paper.

    "Oh did I say that? I meant our author must be a total genius! Yeah, that's what I meant" Oh silly girl when are you going to learn that you can't dis the author?

    "Shut up narrator guy, nobody asked you"

    "Well enough of this randomness lets head inside and get ready for the tournament" laughs Michele.

    Wow Michele is even dreamier in person thinks Anna as her heart flutters. "Welcome to the greatest event in human history! This is the international Ultra Mega Cast-Iron Chef Cooking tournament" Screams the announcer over a microphone.

    "Wow look at all the famous chefs" squeals Michele with stars in her eyes as she runs from person to person shaking hands. "I could just die right here and not care" she screams.

    Hearing the passion in her voice Anna starts to blush.

    "What's this feeling, am I secretly having feelings for this woman" She thinks out loud as several confused bystanders stare at her. "Right, I know what I need to do" She yells "I'm going to win her heart through cooking!"

    Anna has decided her future, but only one thing stands in her way of getting the girl of her dreams. The one thing that has ruined many a relationship in the past, it's her horrible cooking.

    "That's right; I almost forgot how I accidentally killed my parents with burned fish and rice. How was I supposed to know you can't keep fish for more than three months" she cries.

    Defeated, she cries to the stars "Oh star so light oh star so bright, give me the wish I wish tonight. I wish I was the greatest chef in the world" As she finishes praying to the stars, a strange looking fairy appears in front of her.

    "Who are you" she asks "Are you my fairy god mother?"

    "God no" replies the fairy "That old bit is so clichéd by now it's just retarded. I'm just some imp that is going to give you the power you seek, but it's going to cost you your body."

    "Well if that's what it takes then I guess" says Anna as she shyly starts to take her clothes off.

    "What?!! That's not what I meant you dumb blond! Oh to hell with it, Shazaam, now you have your powers" says the fairy as it gives her a magical ladle.

    "When ever you want to transform into the ultimate chef just hold up this ladle and call out to the cooking gods. And with that, I'm out of here, you kids today are crazy as hell" And in a blinding flash the little imp… I mean fairy disappeared.

    "Wow, now I can win this tournament and Michele's heart" She screams as she dashes for the sign up booth.

    Out in the tundra a polar bear and a penguin have witnessed the whole thing. "Wow, this sure has been an exciting story so far" says the polar bear.

    "Exciting? You mean weird, it's been a whole year since we escaped from old Macdonald's zoo so why are we making an appearance in this story" asks the penguin in frustration

    "Well the author needed some filler for the story and something to cover the time until the final round" replies the polar bear.

    "What kind of stuff does he do to get these ideas?"

    "Alcohol, dope, and lots of caffeine" answers the bear.

    "That's right I forgot the author is a burn out" grunts the penguin.

    "What?!! You can't talk about the author that way!" The polar bear bites the penguin's head off.

    Meanwhile back at the tournament it's Anna's turn to cook her feast.

    "Ladle power!!!" She cries out.

    Magically she transforms into a fat middle aged man with red cheeks squinty eyes a chef hat and an open chef jacked which revealed curly brown chest hairs. The crowd looks on in amazement and awe.

    "So this is what that rotten imp meant?! When I get my hands on that b*****d I'll cut him up and make a Cajun stew out of him" Says the jolly looking chef in a deep burly voice. "Wait a minute, since when do I know how to make Cajun stew? This must be it, the power of the magic ladle!"

    With its boosted confidence the chef takes his position and awaits the announcement of the secret ingredient.

    "Today's secret ingredient will be this ten thousand year old wooly mammoth meat we found in the tundra" says the announcer

    "Awe" goes the crowd.

    "First off the reigning champ Iron chef Japan will present his gourmet meal."

    "I have prepared a fine delicacy of mammoth stew with mammoth steaks and meat pies filled with mammoth meat" says the champ. As the judges take their first bites they each turn green in the face. Michele dashes for the bathroom to throw up.

    "This is the most god awful meal we've ever tasted" cry the judges.

    "Well what do you expect me to do with ten thousand year old meat" asks the chef while sobbing.

    "No excuses!" they cry out as they throw the master chef out into the snow.

    "Let me show you how it's done" cries out many chef Anna in a smugly confident and burly voice. "Voila" he/she exclaims as he pulls back a sheet hiding the feast he has prepared. When the judges see the fanciful meal prepared for them it's like the air around it was full of glitter, the feast truly sparkles. With one taste the judges quiver with delight. And Michele instantly feel in love with the fat middle aged and slightly balding little girl.

    "Oh, I just knew there was something special about you when you sent that letter in. I want you to be mine for ever" She said with love in her voice and sparkles in her eyes. In a puff of smoke she changed back into the little girl we have all come to know and love, Anna jumped into Michele's arms and said

    "Oh I have hoped for this moment ever since the day I met you, four hours ago, take me now you sexy thing."

    And with that show of affection the crowd around her began to swoon with all the cuteness flowing through the air. With that they went back to their hotel room and spent the remainder of their time in the hotel in each others arms, and the people that knew them were happy because as we all know, every one loves lesbians. Anna and Michele were to soon be married just as soon as Anna was old enough to do so legally. And that's the heart warming story of one little girl who won the hearts of many with her magical ladle.

    Back in the little town of LA there is a poor man sitting on the corner begging for change. Unsuccessful, he resigns himself to digging through a dumpster to find something to eat. It's Michele's former manager. After losing his job his wife left him and took the house and his children. Now with his life in shambles he lives in a cardboard box filled with news papers for insulation. Poor poor manager man, he should have just resigned himself to being a yes man and he wouldn't be here now. As he sleeps through another cold night in his drafty box he decides to end it all and goes to the nearest bridge the next morning to jump from it. Just as he's about to jump from the bridge a voice calls out.

    "No don't jump!" shouts a man. It's a eerily familiar mail man who just happened to be passing by.

    "I have nothing left to live for" Says the broken manger as he starts to lean over the edge.

    The mail man reaches out and gently pulls him back from the edge. Weeping the manager buries his face in the mail man's chest.

    "There is all ways something to live for" exclaimed the mail man as he ran his fingers through the managers hair. The managers heart skiped a beat as he heard those soft words. At this moment he realised that this was his true sole mate, the one he had longed for his whole life. As the two embraced one another they gazed into each others eyes. And leaned in for a passionate kiss. The people around them started to retch at the grotesque public display of affection. Just as their lips made soft contact together, they both got hit by a bus. At that very moment the people on the bridge started to cheer because as we all know, no one likes gay men.