• crying crying crying Tears don’t fall

    Callie ran towards the girls bathroom crying. She burst open the door and made sure that no one was in there. Shutting and locking the door she slid down the back of it. Reaching into her bag she pulled out the tiny silver object she used every time she got upset. It was her security blanket, she needed it. She pressed the object against her cold pale skin, slowly she moved it across her forearm, and over and over again she made lines on her arm till it spelled out the words of her emotions. “Screw up”. She stood up and fell against the door, the high she always got from cutting hadn’t worn off yet and she had to sit back down. Just then there was a knock at the door and it was her guidance counselor, “Is anyone in there?” she said. Callie quickly moved all of her stuff into the big stall at the end of the row and cleaned the blood off the floor. She wiped the tears from her face even though they hadn’t stopped falling yet. Overflowed with emotion and begging for help she knew she wouldn’t get.
    Her dad was an alcoholic, well used to be an alcoholic. He had recently died, in a car accident because he was drunk. Her mom however, spent every waking moment at work and when she wasn’t at work she was angry, upset and yelling till she cried then she would cry herself to sleep. Callie had one sister (Ashley) she was a senior in high school. Ashley was always out at parties and getting drunk just like her dad. Growing up in a house with an alcoholic dad and a basically absent mother was taking its toll on both of them. Callie had always thought she could tell her sister anything. Even things this bad, but now her sister had changed, her mom had too. Callie felt alone.
    Callie sat in the stall crying, contemplating her escape. She wanted to get out, she had to. But were would she go she knew she couldn’t go home and NONE of her friends had known what she had been doing for the last month or so. So she couldn’t go to there house. She had two really important people in her life people who stood by her after she got the news of her fathers death. Her two best friends Rhiannon and Kristin.
    Rhiannon the spunky punk rocker with a little taste of Goth and Kristin, Kris for short who had an edgy but loveable personality no one could ignore and a very nerdy take on things she was always funny and could be serious but hardly ever was. Callie realized it was time to tell someone, but she couldn’t rat herself out like that not to anyone. Just then the bathroom door opened and Callie got really wide eyed and quiet. Mrs. Bekka (counselor) walked over and found Callie crying on the floor, sadness and pain ran through Callie but fear was starting to take over.
    “Oh sweetie, what’s wrong?”
    “I … don’t know,” Callie mumbled. She was still crying and really nervous which made her cry even more. Mrs.Bekka reached down and helped her up. She could tell there was something wrong with Callie.
    “What’s wrong callie? Is everything okay? ”
    Callie had just remembered how she had cut herself before Mrs.Bekka walked in and she quickly checked to see if her sweatshirt was still covering her soon to be scars. When she looked down her sweatshirt was indeed covering them and some of the panic released her.
    “Come on sweetie get your stuff and we will go to my office and talk about what happened.”
    Callie grabbed her bag and books and walked silently out of the bathroom. As they both walked down the hallway all that Callie could think about was the cuts on her arm and how she remembered it made her feel as she made them. But now all she felt was empty, loneliness and more pain than she did before. When they got to Mrs. Bekka’s office she threw her stuff down by a chair and took a seat.

    Callie sat there in silence and just looked down and played with a loose fabric on the chair. She made no attempt to answer anymore questions. Pain and agony took over and she felt bad, her emotions were jumping around all over the place. Ever since her dad had died she felt as if it was her fault, like she could have stopped him from driving drunk. Really it wasn’t her fault at all but this is what caused her pain, this is why she had been cutting herself. She had thought about telling her friends once but didn’t think that they would be there for her. She felt as if they would laugh at her and call her “emo”.
    Callie knew Mrs.Bekka was trying to start a conversation but wasn’t getting anywhere with it. She was definitely not up for talking not after what she just did and how upset she was. Callie knew that talking about anything in her life right now would upset her to an extreme and she would be back cutting herself again in the bathroom before her next class. “Well I have a meeting to go to but if you want I can drive you home first. “ Mrs. Bekka offered. Callie surprised, nodded and got her stuff to go home. The car ride was just as silent as the office visit. Callie just sat staring out the window in hopes of getting home soon. This time Mrs.Bekka didn’t even attempt to start a conversation she just turned on the radio and drove. Once they pulled up to Callie’s house Callie grabbed her stuff and got out of the car. While waving good-bye relief fell over her and they parted with a
    “Come talk anytime I am always there” then she drove away.
    As Callie walked into the house she dropped her stuff on the floor and walked to the fridge. Her mom had left a note about what to do for dinner
    Callie and Ashley,
    I left some money for pizza on my dresser; when you get hungry call them an order whatever I won’t be home too late.
    Callie looked in the fridge, nothing, in the pantry, nothing, in the cupboard, nothing, so she walked upstairs got the money off the dresser and called the pizza place. She ordered two large pizzas a 2 liter of coke and cinnamon bread. When the pizza guy finally came she handed him the money
    “Keep the change” she said while grabbing the rather large order.
    Carrying it to the coffee table in the living room she sat it down and walked over to the dishwasher to grab out a glass and fill it with ice. When she got back she just randomly flipped through channels on the TV while devouring a whole pizza.


    It was almost nine that night and neither her mom or sister where home. Callie went up to her room and started rearranging stuff on her desk, pretty soon her whole room was clean and it was about 10:30. She changed into her pajamas and climbed into bed. She woke to the screeching of her alarm and the sun shining through the window. Basically crawling out of bed she found yet another note on her bedside table.
    Jeez I hate the way this family communicates. She thought to herself.

    I came home and you were asleep last night. Thanks for ordering pizza; I was out late with a couple friends from work. Hope you slept good. See you tonight.

    Without hesitation Callie walked to her closet and started getting dressed for school. Within a few minutes she was dressed and out the door walking to the bus stop. There she saw some unfamiliar people and they didn’t look very safe to be around so Callie kept her distance. When the bus came to a stop she was the only one to get on and was she glad. Those people looked really scary and dangerous. She thought to herself
    When she got to school fear came over her and lifted her out of reality for a moment. Then she was back to normal standing in front of the school...
    School was over and she was glad not much had really happened. She had homework from a few classes but other than that it was a normal day. When she got home there was another note for her on the fridge.
    Sister is sleeping at her friends, I am going out to dinner with my boss, call my cell if you need anything. Money on the dresser for food. Buy whatever.

    Callie walked up to town feeling famished and stopped at McDonalds she got 2 bags of food and ate it all in a matter of ten minutes. Apparently Callie was hungry.
    Callie walked home silently and when she got there she wasn’t surprised to see that her mom was not home yet. Callie walked into the house and ran up to her room, putting the left over money in her wallet. She reached over and grabbed her ipod and lay on her bed. Turning it on her sang along to the music. After an hour had passed she heard the front door open and slam realizing she had fallen asleep she jumped up and quickly ran down stairs. She almost fainted at what she saw when she got there. Her mom and her mom’s boss stumbling in drunk and kissing almost tripping a billion times before making it to the couch. “Mom I see your home now well I am just going to go to bed” realizing that someone had just spoken to them they both leapt up and stumbled to the floor.
    Oh, uh Callie hi, yeah uh goodnight I guess.
    Callie so disgusted grabbed a coke from the fridge and ran upstairs to her room. Once she got there she ran straight for her closet she kept her bags. She pulled out her razor, as she sat there crying on the floor. Her scars from a few days ago were slowing healing but they were taking a long time. She started for her right arm and just as soon as she put the blade against her skin she couldn’t feel a thing it was like she was used to the pain. Like she would never be able to feel pain again so she pressed the blade harder to her skin and made perfect little lines and angles on her arms. The only important part to her was that she could feel the pain. Wiping the blood from her arms and bandaging them up she put her razor safe and sound in her purse and changed her clothes to go to bed.
    Not being able to sleep she heard whispers from down stairs. Finally in the middle of the night she heard the door open and close and heard her mom stumbling up the steps.
    The rest of the night was unbearable, her mother cried herself to sleep.
    It was a stressful night for both of them and Callie knew it she just didn’t care. She was angry with her mom for causing her this pain. Callie fell asleep there by her closet and woke when she heard her mom screaming into the phone downstairs. “My fault, my fault you say. Fine whatever I hope you have a nice life, I QUIT!”
    Great, what am I going to do now; this is just going to be another thing that adds so much stress to my life.
    Callie decided she was going to be “sick” today and stay besides her mom was probably going to go out and pretend like she was going to work just so she could keep it a secret from callie. Callie crept down stairs to see if her mom was still there. She was already out to her car and driving out of the driveway. Callie sat on the couch and turned the TV on, flipping and flipping through channels till she found something worth watching. Indeed there was nothing and she gave up on trying to find something, flipped the TV off and walked to the pantry. This time it was full of groceries, maybe her mom had done some shopping when she was out and about. Callie walked through found some chips and started munching. Walking over to the fridge she was surprised to see that is was full too even the freezer. Callie grabbed a coke and looked at what they had in the freezer, pizza rolls were her favorite snack and she was happy to see that her mom had bought some for her. Popping them in the oven she sat on the counter and waited.

    A few hours later she heard a cat pull up in the driveway and she quickly put all the food away and ran up to her room. When she got to her room she crawled under the covers and pretended to be asleep. “Callie, I know you're up there, come down stairs we need to talk.”
    Crap she figured it out, how did she know I was home instead of school, School? Crap they called her when I didn’t show up probably…
    Callie walked down stairs to see her mother standing there tapping her foot on the floor. She had a serious look on her face, the kind of look that every mother could use to scare their kids a bit. Callie looked down to the ground and left her head hanging, she didn’t want to face her mother. Since her mom hadn’t been there for her or in her life much Callie thought her mom didn’t deserve to know what she was doing instead of being at school all day.
    “Why did I get a call from your school today asking if I knew were you were” her mom asked this In the most serious voice callie had ever heard come out of her mouth. Her mom wasn’t normally a mean person, well that Callie could tell from the few times seeing her in the past few moths or so, but suddenly she’d grown cross.
    Silence filled the air, his thoughts about her mother hadn’t changed at all and she just looked up and looked at her mom. “I am waiting for an answer Callie”
    “you know mom you haven’t been around for quiet some time, I woke up last night to the sound of you and your boss rolling in drunk. You have let Ashley go and get drunk and do drugs with her friends and when I need a mental health day and I take off from school you act like it is some big deal.”
    “Excuse me young lady, do u want to be grounded?”
    “I don’t care. You won’t be around to make sure I uphold to my grounding, you’ll be off with some band backstage or “out with your business partners” I am 14 mom I am not stupid I know when your really out working or when your just running around showing off your body.”
    “You have no idea what it’s like to raise you and your sister and to uphold a keep a job and raise money so this family can have food, clothes and a roof over there head? Hm, do you?
    "Whatever I don't have to take anything from you, I can take care of myself." Callie angrily stomped off to her room and what do you think she ran to first? Yes reader you guessed right her closet. Callie frantically threw everything out of her way and grabbed her purse pulled out her razor and made line after line all the way up to her shoulder; just as she relaxed her arm her mom burst through the door and looked immediately at Callie's arm. "Callie what are you doing to your arms"
    "Mom, uh what are you doing in my room, GET OUT"
    Completely ignoring Callie her mom kneeled down and reached towards her daughter's rapidly bleeding arm.
    "Sweetie what's going on? Why do you do this to yourself?"

    Callie big eyed speechless, and not knowing what to say just looked down and frowned.

    "I am sorry mom, I-I I didn't know wha what else to do, I was upset about dad and school and you never being home, I don't know I just felt alone."

    "Wait what to you mean at school, I thought people liked you I thought you had lots of friends and you were nice to everyone."

    "Mom you have no idea, ever since dad died I have been really distant from everyone and haven't really done anything involving anyone else but me. I've given up on my classes and school work and people are even calling me "emo" now. I can't take all the stress."

    Callie broke down crying and rested on her moms shoulder and gave her a hug.
    "Mom I don't know what to do anymore I am lost"

    Callie's mom got the first aid kit from the bathroom and started bandaging Callie's arm so the blood would stop flowing.
    Callie's mom helped her up from were she was sitting and they both walked down stairs, Callie walked over to the couch and sat curling herself up in a blanket that was on the floor next to the couch.

    "Want some hot chocolate or something? I can make you some if you like"

    "Yes I would actually" Callie replied back with a tiny smile forming on her face.
    Callie's mom made some hot chocolate for the both of them and when she was done she sat on the couch beside Callie.
    "Well what do you want to do about this, I mean if you want to just stay at the same school you are at now and get some counseling or something that is fine with me but I think that if we leave it will be leaving some things behind that should be left behind. I personally would love to move, not far of course so we would still be in the same state but probably different school. "

    Callie's mom was throwing out suggestions he felt would help her daughter cope with everything, there was no doubt though that callie would be going to therapy just to help her with her grief from the loss of her dad.

    " I definitely don't want to stay here I mean Ashley is a senior so she can drive herself to school everyday if we don't move to far away and I can just transfer to a new school. I will really miss Rhiannon and Kristin but I think right now I need to do what is best for me."

    Callie was surprised that her mom was being so cool with everything. She was surprised that she was actually having a real conversation with her mom in months. It felt nice to have someone to talk to. Talking to her mom was helping her urge to cut go away in the back of her mind she still wanted to, there was probably always going to be that part of her that wanted to cut but she just has to take it day by day and see what happens. Callie and her mom talked for another hour or so and at the end they had come up with a decision.
    They were moving, Callie was going to see a therapist and Ashley was going to still live with them but would continue to go the same high school.

    The next day Callie was up and dressed for school she was ready to go for once because today would be her last day she would go and see her friends and say goodbye to her teachers, get her stuff from her locker and meet her mom back in the office. While she was doing this stuff her mom would be working everything out and signing papers. They had decided not to tell the school why they were really moving but callie thought it would only be fair to tell her friends. So when she saw them in the hallway she greeted them with a smile and a hug.

    "Hey guys, I have some uh bad news." Callie said without much hesitation.

    "What, come on tell us" Kristin said begging.
    "Well I am moving, me and my mom have decided that it's time to get on with our lives after my dad died."
    "When did you come up with this???" Rhiannon and Kristin both asked prying into Callie's business.
    "Well that's the other part." Callies smile had turned to a frown and she was looking down at her sweatshirt.
    "I have been keeping a secret from you for a while now, and I was hoping you guys would understand when I eventually told you."
    "Of course Callie you know us, why would we do anything to hurt you in anyway?"

    Callie reached down dropped her stuff on the floor and looked up "okay guys you have to promise that you won't tell anyone ever. Promise?"

    "Yes we promise"
    "Okay now I can tell you"
    Callie glanced around and made sure no one was looking she was surprised to see that everyone had gone to class more that ten minutes ago. By then Rhiannon and Kristin were both tearing up and sad that there best friend was leaving town.
    Callie pulled back her sweatshirt and revealed bandages. When she saw the looks on there faces she knew they could some what guess what was under it. She pulled off all the bandages and tucked them in her bag. Only when she took the bandages off she was not as surprised at the reactions on there faces as she thought she would be.

    "C- Callie what have you down to yourself?"
    "Oh dear, come over here and give me a hug." Rhiannon sweetly replied.

    Now all of them were hugging and crying like newborn babies.
    Callie reached down grabbed the bandages and rewrapped them so no one else would notice. She said her goodbyes and left with a drooped head and tears falling from her cheeks.
    When she got to the office her mom was finished and waiting for her.

    They both walked to the car got in and left, not just school but the town, they were gone and maybe never to return but no one knows what the future holds.