• Loneliness . . .

    Its a word that sparks a more violent emotional reaction in us that even the fear of death cannot match. And yet within this word we also find a true atrocity, disregard for the hearts of others. Its as if the fear of being alone allows in us the right to make others feel like dirt to protect ourselves. My heart's own endeavors have not ended well, however, I have done my best to protect the hearts of those I've loved at the expense of my own, and the end result has been simply the degrading of my own self esteem. Those I've loved have taken from me, and have not returned. Some because they don't know how, some because they cannot, and some because it is their own personal reaction to heartbreak.

    My concern for myself always comes last, as I am the type of person who once I have begun to love, I am unable to stop, regardless of whatever pain that might bring to me. Even weeks, months, and years after a relationship for me ends, a few harsh degrading words from those I love will pull the heart from my chest, and crush me all over again.

    I've lost those I've loved to my mistakes . . . to death . . . and to their own fickle hearts, and every time the pain is worse than the last, and at times, I almost believe that my fate is to be alone . . . which scares me more than death itself.

    But, even though much of my self esteem lay in tatters, after so long of degrading myself to protect the hearts of those I love, and as someone who to this day can barely talk to people whom I care about, for fear they will abandon me, I still carry a hope inside. One day I shall find the person who will be by my side.

    One can never give up hope, or abandon love as something that only brings pain, for its pleasure is one of the few things that makes life truly worth living. And the joys I experienced while in my relationships, even though now tainted by loss, steel me to drive to experience them again.