Cancer

• Artist: Mrs_Black_Bear
• Description: This poem was inspired by my own family history of breast cancer along with several friends and teachers struggles with it.
• Date: 07/16/2008
• Tags: cancer awarness disease family strugle

It starts with one cell
thats all it takes
to obliterate
dreams of family
or of being the prom queen
It multiplies and spreads
It can be in skin or in your head
It can stop a woman from
being able to breast feed her kid
or a man from producing healthy sperm
Once diagnosed the meds you take
turns your hair to balding fate
You become weak and unable to move
You cry at night about the things you will loose
Dreams turn to nightmares and hopes turn to dust
I can be in your family's history or maybe a random thing
some have hope of remissions others two months to live
today the work on a way to cure the cell that can bring death
so you should wear sunscreen and if your a girl or a guy do your monthly checks
if a lump is found or you just don't feel right see a doctor and you might save your life

Comments

[purple_artemis00]

Meter is spotty and it's full of abstractions and cliches.
However, the shape is nice and some of the line breaks are great.

[Can The Mannons]

I like the fact that the shape of the poem is like stairs.. @_@ 5 stars..lol

[Mrs_Black_Bear]

Thanks for the suggestions, yea I forgot to check this one for spelling and gramer errors whoops. hmm to me when I read it in my head it has a definite beat but perhaps I will take you up on your suggestions, this is one that I actually thought about during cancer awareness week last year instead of it being a complete in trance written one.

[ekitten614]

I love the message! The beat could be worked in spots. It has that choppy feel that you get when you're trying really hard to rhyme, but yours doesn't rhyme. You might want to read it out loud like you have an audience, even if you don't, that usually helps you find some of the rougher spots that get smoothed over when you read it in your head. I think part of the problem could be that in the beginning there's only 5 syllables in each line and at the end there's 21. Great job anyway!

[MyfriendsareDohnuts]

I'm sorry but This poem is a bit-detailed in certain ways. Other ways its good but-not able to breast feed her kid? What about not have a kid? I've got the creeps now! 3 stars.

[Alice Dormouse]

This is not a comment on the content; just on the style.
Some of the lines are good, and then others throw you off track. Poems don't have to rhyme, but they should have a continous beat and your poem does not. You should also take a moment to check for spelling.

You cry at night about the things you will LOOSE - this should be LOSE.

some have hope of REMISSIONS others two months to live - REMISSION not remissions.

There are other errors but I'm running out of room.