Dreams

• Artist: Holy angel1441
• Description: how dreams (and dream counterparts) are. :)
• Date: 03/23/2009
• Tags: dreams

I have seen a wonderful world which no-one has ever known. I've exited the void of reality and flown far from home. Say goodbye to the world you knew; go to where everything isn't what it seems. Welcome to a land of oddities, sweet things, wonders of all sorts; welcome to the land of dreams! I have another 'me', a counterpart, if you will; everything she is I am NOT... in the real world, that is!! My counterpart is very bold, sly, strong; be careful what you say around her! You could get a broken leg... in less than a minute. Who knows what your counterpart does or where it lives; it could be wondering what reality would be like. Somewhere.....

Comments

[Fille aux Cheveux de Lin]

It's, yeah, a jumble. Not much special to it.

[XxTheShadowOfYourHeartxX]

It's written well, but I think it could use some work.
I agree with ProfessorKC, but I also think you started out with it rhyming (sp?) and then it ended a little jumbled up.
I hope you get what i'm trying to say. Just touch it up put it in stanzas, and add a little more detail. Also, I think it needs to be more exciting. Reading it in my head, it sounded too mellow, I felt no emotion from that.
Don't take my critisim too harshly, I'm just saying this in a way you would give somebody advice

[ProfessorKC]

Yeah, it falls way short in imagery and in the fact it should be in stanzas and not one lump. Maybe a short story based on this would work better but this is not real poetry ...

Just say .... no.

[PurpleBasketball]

Wow

[SilvertongueSagittarius]

Im gonna have to agree with La Soleil Blanche

[Agorphia]

Considering your other works, the major thing you have to work on as a writer is being subtle. You state everything too obviously. You have to write artfully. 2/5

[sxhiin]

0/5