Living Memories

• Artist: Moheli
• Description: This is a poem I am not very fond of and I'm thinking of revising it. x3
  Then again I'm always thinking about revising my work. x)
  I thrive on constructive criticism. Not that crappy "OMG!!!11! Taht wahz awsem!!!eleventy-two!!" or "Taht seckd!" but something I can work with. If you didn't like it, tell me why and what I can do to improve it. And if you did like it, try to tell me why. Plzkthx! ^^
• Date: 10/04/2009
• Tags: living memories

Living Memories

by Moheli A.K. Renae

Walking among
The broken dreams
Of the used-to-be
I feel a sense of apathy
The hopelessness of everything
In this broken down building
Of a perfect example of
A used-to-be life

Its mellow colors of blue and yellow
Its loud architecture that screams for
Attention
Its carefully carved design
That cradles the love
Of its crafters
And its worn floorboards
That entail a once upon a time
Wonderful place

I wonder
What kind of memories
Does
This Building
Hold?

Paper that skews the dusty floor
Smothers the memories of many
People who walked there,
Talked there,
Started new lives there,
People who left their doubts behind
To start anew

And I can't help but to speculate
To wonder
What became of those people
What they did with their
Lives
Did they accomplish their dreams?
Were they sad?
Were they happy?

Dispite their inevitable tribulations
I can be sure
That they
Were happy
at times
And at times
They were sad

But I know I can look aroud this
Building
With fondness
And aspire to be
Just like the people
Here before me

Because
They lived
And,
Like this Building
They

Live on.

Comments

[XWEET14]

Until the termites get to it.
I totally agree with h00drat64, because, come on, you have to admit that it's a bit messy.. I mean, the concept itself is O.K. But not too worthy of appreciation on my part.. I found it too short and boring to be rated above a 3.. so I'll rate it just that, but Moheli, if you intend on writing some more - REALLY look into previous comments, and try not to make the same mistakes.
A little spit-shine goes a long way. GL.

[h00drat64]

Concept was cool. I thought the line breaks were just horrid, it made the whole poem seem awkward. You don't have to break for a new line every 3-4 words. I spotted some good description throughout the poem, but I didn't really see ''great'' figurative language. Some of the vocab. could be improved, such as the use of "happy and sad". Other than that it was pretty good; try to describe more instead of filling lines with questions. I understand a couple questions, but they were overused. 3

[X-Razorbladekiss]

that was really good you use great grammer and touching words.keep it up (: