Journal, my dear.

• Artist: Ithesus
• Description: a poem i wrote about my freind, who's been suffering from clinical depression. i love you <3
  i wrote it in my journal at school...
• Date: 06/02/2010
• Tags: journal dear

Hello, Hello, my journal, my dear
I have something, you'd like to hear
Do you hear, the depression in-between
The laughter and happiness of whats usually seen?
Do you hear, the cold breath
Of on coming, young, saddening death?
Dear journal, don't you see?
What it must be like, to be Deborah lee
Dear Journal, cant you see?
How much, how much, she means to me?
Hello, hello, my journal, my dear
Don't you hear
The courage of our hearts, that over come that fear
My journal, my dear
Words on paper
Don't begin to describe her tears

Comments

[Bashand]

After adapting the reading style to your mistakes, the poem sounds wonderful.

[Bashand]

Fantastic lyrics, although they're broken improperly and makes the poem really awkward to read and really harshens the flow.

You used breaks improperly (such as seen in "Do you hear, the depression in-between
The laughter and happiness of whats usually seen?" wink .
You put these as separate lines which generally calls for pause between, furthermore, you capitalized the first letter of the second line which implies it's a brand new sentence and renders the entire poem confusing as hell to read.

[Vague Memories]

D; So sad. 5/5