• Band: Memoirs of a Nonexistent
    Album: Despise and Dispose

    1) Stained Glass
    2) Today I'm Alone
    3) The Silent Earthquake
    4) Pitiful I
    5) Glaciers Sleep
    6) Ugly Valentines
    7) Outline
    cool Mispercieved
    9) Despise and Dispose
    10) 8l/l8
    11) Criminal Behavior
    12) Predator
    13) My Dungeon
    14) Paralysis
    15) Tears of Joy
    16) Project Undoing

    Stained Glass

    You see me through the stained glass, this mask
    The outside cannot see what lies within
    What seems a beauty only just a sin.
    I am trapped within this house of tin.

    *This booth, this cell
    Dampened these sewers of hell
    With the s**t up to my neck

    The knock upon the cancer
    The angelic visitor
    Through the window, just a face
    Painted on in loving grace.*

    You think you know just who I am, a sham.
    My blackened, broken house not haunted,
    Only underfed, but always is it taunted.
    For you, the beauty flaunted, and used up to nothingness.

    *This booth, this cell
    Dampened these sewers of hell
    With the s**t up to my neck

    The knock upon the cancer
    The angelic visitor
    Through the window, just a face
    Painted on in loving grace.*

    It’s just a face, no reflection shown.
    All imagination, there is no flesh or bone.
    It’s only me alone, only me alone, only me alone, I CANNOT BE ALONE.

    Painted angels warp the surface
    to cover the mark of the devil within.
    The stench of death blocked with a fragrant chemical.
    This is me, but they cannot see.
    It’s the “me” they won’t accept to be.
    This lie spews from my shriveled tongue,
    though only I can hear it.

    This booth, this cell
    Dampened these sewers of hell
    With the s**t up to my neck

    *The phone rings and I answer
    The angelic visitor
    Through the window
    My Aphrodite, just a painted face*

    Break the glass, break the glass.
    See what’s on other side.
    I have to know, no more lies to show.
    Whether it’s you or I.


    Today I'm Alone

    Leave me bare
    Bleeding your consequence
    Leave me dry
    Crying Alone
    Bring me here
    In the end you will find
    Kill me now
    Or I will die alone

    *Can’t be strong
    Been dead all along
    Hope is found
    But today it is gone*

    Feed me the substance
    Of your last regret
    This painful transaction
    You couldn't forget
    Send me the sign telling
    Truths from the lies
    And leave me here
    To die all alone

    *Can’t be strong
    Been dead all along
    Hope is found
    But today it is gone

    We’re all wrong
    This is nobody’s song
    Yesterday’s sound
    Today is all gone.*

    An eclipse from your hand
    Proving your justice
    Kill off the pain that
    Drenches your mind
    Hand me the soul of
    This pregnant ambition
    Or leave me here
    To just die instead

    *Must be strong
    Bring an end to this song
    Hope is lost
    And will always be gone

    Once more
    To better this home
    Must be swarmed
    Today I'm Alone*

    And I’m always alone.


    The Silent Earthquake

    Like a wheel I roll on only downs.
    Inside it spins my mind around.
    I'm jumbled as I roll
    Far down the hill.

    Like a bird falls from a bullet shell
    I'm plunging down into this well.
    They all scream "hole in one"
    As I am filled

    *Up with,
    The wishes of those children
    And as I stand stiff
    This water holds me down

    And I try to run
    But my floor it spins around me
    While they all have fun
    I'm falling underneath their senseless toes.*

    Like the death bell toals to cause you fright
    I'm crawling up your legs tonight
    You jump and slam your palm
    Down on my back

    When all I wanted was your warmth
    To dry me like a burning torch
    I float down to the eearth
    And through the waiting hungry cracks.

    *This endless pit
    Where silence conforms the air
    The darkness throws a fit
    And all this s**t is mounded

    And I try to run
    But my floor it spins around me
    While they all have fun
    I'm falling underneath their senseless toes.*

    They don't feel the silent earthquake
    as for I am only one.
    Shunned myself from misfits
    and am friends with only stones.
    I scratch upon the cieling
    Hoping somebody looks down.
    The tenticals surround me
    And forever I am bound.

    *When life consists
    Of those who walk in circles
    There's no still bliss
    For the earth rotates around

    And if I stand
    The floor below me crumbles
    But to run forever
    Will never be my plan.*


    Pitiful I

    I am sick of being all alone
    I’m cheating through this tone
    Love is on the run, yeah.

    I’m beginning to stand up on my toes
    Above the wall she shows
    Crying all alone, yeah.

    *Reel it from me
    Hide it with the ugly
    Teach it, show me
    How do I belong?
    In a world so ugly
    Happiness is lonely
    Feel to coax me
    Love is on the run*

    I am blind to what I cannot be
    And love is all but me
    Use loneliness to see, yeah.

    I am nothing without the biggest piece
    But nothingness is me
    How will I ever be, without you?

    *Reel it from me
    Hide it with the ugly
    Teach it show me
    How do I belong?
    In a world so ugly
    Happiness is lonely
    Feel to coax me
    Love is on the run.*

    My mind is clear
    I see through the rain
    I try to drown
    But the world, it drains.
    Stuck inside
    These tearless eyes
    Every feeling
    Is a lie.

    *Reel it from me
    Hide it with the ugly
    Teach it show me
    How do I belong?
    In a world so ugly
    Happiness is lonely
    Feel to coax me
    Love is on the run.*


    Glaciers Sleep

    There's an avalanche tonight...

    It is so loud,
    I cannot think,
    all these uncertainties
    making me sink.

    Millions of words
    in tongues I don't know,
    and all of them screaming
    beneath mountains of snow.

    *And this empty path lasts forever
    The home on my mountain
    Is far in the distance.*

    I strut through this blizzard
    with nothing to guide,
    with all of my loved one's
    now waiting inside.

    But now I walk off
    The sky falling on me
    And as the summer commands
    This home turns to a sea

    *And this empty path lasts forever
    The home on my mountain
    Is far in the distance.*

    I wake up as the sky is falling,
    as the night of pain defeats the day.
    The moon evaporates into the black abyss,
    leaving our home to grow spots of disease.
    The preceding day in memory,
    we despair our ever having happiness.
    As I sleep beneath the dyeing sparkles of stardust,
    flaring out and dissolving into nothingness,
    the cushion of acceptance blots out the pain,
    and the universe sucks me into its void.


    Ugly Valentines

    My ribs have been broken
    and my heart has been hawked.
    There never were chocolates
    in my empty box.

    My legs cannot pump
    this charred blood anymore,
    I can no longer pickpocket
    from those I adore.

    *I'm running around
    without my head,
    searching for something
    that's already dead.
    Since ever I've promised
    myself only lies
    and now as I’m dry
    I can’t even cry.*

    I haven’t a secret
    For I haven’t line.
    As I stand around
    I keep saying I’m fine

    As my stride gives way
    To the loss of my blood
    I collapse in the dirt
    This dry sand soaks the flood.

    *I'm running around
    without my head,
    searching for something
    that's already dead.
    Since ever I've promised
    myself only lies
    and now as I’m dry
    I can’t even cry.*

    My lungs are parasites
    and my breath is its horrible bite.
    I'm not allowed to feel anymore,
    I have become numb
    to the perfumes of love,
    and without them,
    my breath is only painful.

    My eyes have become a desert
    and I only see in grey.
    The paints are locked away
    and the key's are in the hands of Aphrodite.
    They say the hardest person
    to know is yourself,
    and I am missing half of who I am.

    *I'm running around
    without my head,
    searching for something
    that's already dead.
    Since ever I've promised
    myself only lies
    and now as I’m dry
    I can’t even cry. *


    Outline

    The drug in the fire's a lore,
    these ones are burned alive.
    Run to the engines in roar,
    fall with the bullets sound.

    And though you know it's wrong,
    blood drunk till love is gone.

    *In the eyes of madness there's no prevailing,
    insanity today is wailing,
    to try is to allow your failing.
    And when your ship has gone to sea,
    you wait on shore wishing you could be,
    loneliness is this drug's final fee*

    The crowds, they are screaming the lies,
    but sadly it’s the only sound.
    All you know now is how to hide,
    you never learned how to turn around.

    And though you know it's wrong,
    blood drunk till love is gone.

    *In the eyes of madness there's no prevailing,
    insanity today is wailing,
    to try is to allow your failing.
    And when your ship has gone to sea,
    you wait on shore wishing you could be,
    loneliness is this drug's final fee.*

    And they run until
    They have nothing left to fill
    This life in the fear
    I wish you could only hear
    It’s the profit of your extinction.

    And they cry their eyes
    What they love is to despise
    Betrayed in this lie
    With nowhere to hide
    With love there is no distinction.

    And though you know it's wrong,
    blood drunk till love is gone.

    *In the eyes of madness there's no prevailing,
    insanity today is wailing,
    to try is to allow your failing.
    And when your ship has gone to sea,
    you wait on shore wishing you could be,
    loneliness is this drug's final fee.*


    Mispercieved

    I cry and cry
    And never die, and
    Sing a song with only lies.

    Grab a hold
    Or wave goodbye
    I’ll see you on the other side.

    Lie and lie
    And never fight it
    Give into the cold despising.

    Drained the color
    From my eyes I’m
    Frozen in this world alive.

    One more line
    While the Earth is dyeing
    For all these hills we’ve tried to climb.

    Underneath
    We’re all alive
    But we’re in a world full of disguises.


    Despise and Dispose

    *Despise and dispose,
    this man full of holes,
    wounds from the diamond spears.*

    Yet nobody knows
    that the man's awkward tone
    is the gunner that sits in our ears.

    Who can cry
    from a lover’s goodbye
    to which everyone leaves in sorrow,

    the nightly parade
    of hatred and pain
    beneath blankets of hopes for tomorrow.

    *Detect and destroy
    the ugly decoy,
    it’s the portrait of all of our creeds.*

    The good little boys
    with god as their toys,
    no ruling when every-one's free.

    If this doesn't survive
    then it would never thrive,
    so may as well salvage its marrow,

    and through this charade
    with the morals in fade,
    we look for our lovers to borrow.

    *Despise and dispose,
    it’s the mothers that chose,
    through instinct we're made out of fear

    As the fires will blow
    we'll all surely show
    that love never will disappear.*


    8l/l8

    In summer time the winter blows,
    without this blanket I’m exposed.
    In light of all that’s come to pass,
    there’s something that I wish to ask:

    *Where’ve you taken all my sheets?
    Alone this cold, it makes me weep.
    Tongue is dry, make not a sound;
    all my words unpleasantly bound.
    So when you look up at this hill
    know that I am waiting still.
    But never will the warmth contain,
    inside your head my mind is sane.*

    In naturalness I’ve never shown
    confessions such that I’m alone.
    The boat I’m in is never fast,
    while the river leads to ocean’s vast.

    *It’s obvious that I am weak,
    and such I never try to seek
    a vessel that will share the crown,
    a wording angel who’s profound.
    But now the wind is giving chill,
    the captain is now getting ill.
    As I fall flat inside my pain,
    the missing hand has left a stain.*

    And you wait until the other one leads you.
    And I wait until I never will need you.
    Both have only lies to go to.
    Insanity we all shall miss you.


    Criminal Behavior

    Sour stains disease my veins
    Profanity inside it reigns
    A shame to have these tiny eyes
    In searching for a pure disguise

    The ties we bind written in signs
    And I can see the lies behind
    The message to a perfect world
    Is only the reflection to which they're sold.


    Predator

    I need to run, I need to hide.
    From the monster living inside.
    And as I cry, my tear it burns.
    Upon my face its path is torn.

    *From the world I am shunned
    Search refuge from the gun.
    And these tears bake my skin.
    From the sun not within.*

    So hungry now, and tired too.
    I’ve traveled Earth in search of you.
    To take me to a better world.
    With love in mind we can unfold.

    *From the world I am shunned
    Search refuge from the gun.
    And these tears bake my skin.
    This marathon is done.*

    The predator is me, but the prey I cannot see.

    So do I live to starve?
    No one here to carve.
    Or can I live alive
    Without the blood to thrive?

    The predator is me, but the prey I cannot see.
    And now I steal my own flesh for meal.

    Let me taste your flesh,
    because it’s all that I have left
    In this dried up world of rotting bones,
    I dine upon my lifting soul.
    Without your blood I slowly die,
    drinking to my own demise.


    My Dungeon

    As this stop sign is wiped completely clean
    Of its fluorescent, shielding metal screen
    The crash of souls is evident
    To the innocents on this cement

    *You’re in my dungeon
    You’re in my head
    The air is draining
    Walls closing in
    You’re under water
    Flooded by sin
    But sin is changing
    As we’re ripped from our skins.*

    So a child learns to speak his line
    In a world of lies to false define
    His tongue is solvent with his breath
    But his words will not come from his chest

    *He’s in god’s dungeon
    He’s in god’s head
    The air is draining
    Walls closing in
    He’s in the mirror
    Of his own grin
    But his mouth is moving
    From changes within*

    You look at me and see a frown
    My drying lips held tightly down
    By the weights this heavy world provides
    Without these weights I am alive

    *I’m in your dungeon
    I’m in your head
    The air is draining
    Walls closing in
    My tongue is drying
    My legs are pained
    But nothing changes
    When you’re in this game*

    A speculation long premature
    This fine green leaf pulled to adore
    From summer trees, it’s plucked and viewed
    Then browns and dies from loss of food

    This leaf pulled long before its time
    We attempt to understand its sign
    And may presume our knowledge true
    But only autumn leaves are hue

    As this dying leaf absorbs to Earth
    It spits a mongrel from its girth
    Stepped on by the ugly feet of man
    Nature is the falling hand


    Paralysis

    Crouched up inside my little ball,
    tightly wound to break the fall.
    The music plays its calming notes,
    but can't I dance on broken toes?

    *I speak to nature,
    but the peddles blow away.
    I run to catch them
    but all they do is sway.
    Along the way
    the mud it stole my shoes,
    and the blood held in my feet
    began to ooze.
    What’s left to lose? *

    I’m short while the trees are tall,
    and this fruit will never fall.
    It seems my shirt was never sowed,
    as the worms on my chest begin to show.

    *I speak to nature,
    but the peddles blow away.
    I run to catch them
    but all they do is sway.
    Along the way
    the mud it stole my shoes,
    and the blood held in my feet
    began to ooze.
    What’s left to choose? *

    Reading lines of lies in dusty window cills,
    the breeze comes in,
    my house is filled
    with chilling voices
    from the hills of crows.

    Go inside
    but nowhere to hide,
    the crown is stolen
    from our shoes
    and we lose
    the row of dice
    we'd kept in place
    frozen in ice,
    we lose the race.


    Tears of Joy

    Dyed my hair to match my purple tears,
    it appears,
    that choice is always such when living fears,
    so cheers.

    And fear of riding on this train,
    for love I know it's all in vain.

    *There are no purple tears in a world where life is pink,
    there’s nothing left to throw away
    in slowing down my sink.
    So think,
    of a world where hearts are pure,
    just contemplate the idea of them
    never keeping score.
    A lore?
    To pull you from your feel?
    Is it true that nothingness makes truer one's ideals?*

    In majesty there is no turning old,
    heart sold,
    but cowardice is never to be bold,
    they fold.

    And god I want to take this lane,
    This nothingness keeps me insane.

    *There are no purple tears in a world where life is pink,
    there’s nothing left to throw away
    in slowing down my sink.
    So think,
    of a world where hearts are pure,
    just contemplate the idea of them
    never keeping score.
    A lore?
    To pull you from your feel?
    Is it true that nothingness makes truer one's ideals?*


    Project Undoing

    Deep down , and frozen
    in a well of lost wishes,
    a flicker of light
    comes tumbling down,

    and drops upon
    my bed of oil,
    all the dreams
    burn to the ground.

    *Between the lines,
    but underneath,
    still, emotion sword is sheathed.
    See you here
    but watch you go,
    my heart designed to never show.
    Coward is
    a flightless man,
    this headless journey not the plan.
    Face is scalped
    and brain is picked,
    leave me here to suffer through it.*

    See how I’m nothing
    Without you to fall into
    My life wasted here
    Under this mound

    The smell of me burning
    The light in the distance
    And since I am here
    I may as well drown

    *Between the lines,
    but underneath,
    still, emotion sword is sheathed.
    See you here
    but watch you go,
    my heart designed to never show.
    Coward is
    a flightless man,
    this headless journey not the plan.
    Face is scalped
    and brain is picked,
    leave me here to suffer through it.*

    I’m living in a darkened home
    bolted to the floor of rock bottom.
    I feed meat to my garden of weeds
    And live in the dying seeds of autumn.
    Winter never comes
    and spring never blooms
    I am forever alive
    In this breathless tomb.