Tell us about your day. -cuz we love to listen-

[NovaKing]

Spastic waffles

Auurgghhh.

The more I try to control my emotions the more uncontrollable they get.

You should find a nice quiet place to meditate. Clearing your mind of all the clutter it collects durring the day is always good for you.  

[Spastic waffles]

NovaKing

Spastic waffles

Auurgghhh.

The more I try to control my emotions the more uncontrollable they get.

You should find a nice quiet place to meditate. Clearing your mind of all the clutter it collects durring the day is always good for you.

Ha!

Quiet. You make me laugh.

Quiet does not exist in my life.

...Maybe that's my problem.  

[BlackHawkGS]

Spastic waffles

Auurgghhh.

The more I try to control my emotions the more uncontrollable they get.

Welcome to my current state.

My parents are taking over my life. They're doing all my college work, scared shitless that I'm going to get no where in life. They've filled out forms, signed me up for a meeting with my counselor; they even wrote my ******** letter on my accomplishments. And right now, I really could care less where the hell I go in life.

My cross-country practices are beating the s**t out of me. I just can't keep up with the top 5 runners anymore and it looks like I'll be on the JV squad soon enough. I actually think I AM on the JV squad now.

And God knows what's up with this girl I'm trying to get. She's great and all, but for some reason I just have no idea what to say when I'm around her. It's a retarded mess. We've been talking for awhile now, but I just don't know anymore...

UUUUUUUUUGgggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh....

On top of everything, my parents are about to ban me from the computer if my grades don't come up. Yes, mother. I've had an entire 2 ******** assignments graded for these classes. "Well you should have done better the first time around." Well I'm sorry I'm not a ******** straight A student like your retarded little daughter.


... sorry... Needed to let that out somewhere... my life has been wavering all over the place for the past few weeks, and I think it's finally begun to spiral downwards.

[/end emo rant]  

[Spastic waffles]

Hawk, I'm sorry...I don't really know what to say.

I'm just over here scared out of my wits of college. I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm going to do when I get there. I don't know if I want to stay in St. Louis or run screaming away from here as fast as I can. I don't even have any idea what to do to get into whatever colleges I want to. I don't think I'm mature enough for college. I don't think I'm well organized enough, motivated enough, or prepared enough. I don't think I could keep up with the workload and still be able to sleep.

I'm angry at everyone for little tiny things. I blow up at people for things that aren't thier fault. I haven't gone a day since school started without wanting to cry (with the exception of today...and I'm getting there typing this out). All I do lately is abuse all the people I care about the most, and I'm scared out of my mind that they are going to get tired of me and put me out of their life.

I hate myself for being so angry all the time. I hate myself every time I get angry at someone for something that isn't their fault. I hate myself for yelling at Nic when all he tries to do is help me. I hate myself for being so impatient.

I haven't seen my boyfriend in a week and a half. All I want is a hug from him. I just want him to hold me for a while and make me feel like things are going to be okay. If only for a moment. Even though I know that as soon as he lets go reality will come crashing down around me again, at least for a moment I could have peace.

I just want to stop being so scared.  

[KirbyVictorious]

Lucky you, with your normal, external problems. stare

As long as we're emo ranting....


Well. Nothing to say on the relationship front, and that's what depresses me--and it's not even as if there isn't anybody to have one with. But nevermind.

Grades I have no problem with. (Stop glaring at meeee...) (Except for English.) But there is the constant threat of failure in my house--B=doom. C=death. And I'm not even that smart. I'm not good at school. I just like to read! crying

I'm sure you guys don't have a bubble. (One or two of you may have a shell, though.*cough*) But being in a bubble is happy and safe and carefree. Mine popped. Now the world is huge and loud and scary and I just wanna go back to bed, and I see my friends every day but I'm still so frikkin lonely. And I get online, waiting for someone to come on so I can talk, but they're busy or off or...or gone. Like they don't exist.

And I'm staring to believe that the nightmares in my head are real. They get worse and worse as time goes on. And the scariest part is, I want to lose myself in them, because the real world may be safeish, and all laid out for me, and relatively simple as of now, but everyone and everything there is just a big blur, and I'm invisible, and all alone.

I feel like I'm drowning in the fire that burns away your heart when it's broken, or like I'm the only one that's breathing, or like my face is twisted in pain and I can't scream so no one can see--and the thing is, sometimes I catch myself in a memory and it really is, and no one says anything.

And the worst part (however weird it might be,) is that the feeling is going away soon. The minute one of my friends does something nice to me, I'll be happy. But then it'll go away a few minutes later, and...it won't come back for awhile. Living on the edge is worse than drowning. It's like a yin-yang that's fighting with itself, both sides at once, then one, then the other...

I wish I could remember what being Happy Kirby felt like, but I've got an awful memory...and I know what could make me feel better, maybe for a lot longer, but it isn't gonna happen. Stuff like that never works out for me.

And I hate school, because, if not for it, I'd have at least one person to talk to.

I think I'm gonna cry. But of course, that won't happen either. evil

/emo rant of doom.

-___-  

[Spastic waffles]

I've come to a conclusion.

School is the worst thing that ever happened to anyone.

It should be illegal.  

[KirbyVictorious]

gonk  

[BlackHawkGS]

@ Waffles:

I'm more afraid about getting into a good college... Apparently, if IU or Purdue doesn't accept me, my parents will consider me a complete failure, since they usually make fun of the other two places I'm applying (Indiana State Univ. and Ball State.)

You haven't seen your boyfriend in a week and a half? Why not? Maybe you should at least try to call him. If you guys are on good terms, he'd do his best to listen to what's going on in your life.

And it's interesting that we should bring up being angry at random people. Over the past weeks, I've found myself snapping at my best friend Brittany a lot. I mean, this girl can be annoying at times, but I've usually just laughed and went along with it. But lately... I've just been pissed off at her. And she's also been someone that's been trying to comfort me.

Here's a virtual hug from me. You're a good person, Waffles.

@ Kirby:

Some of the nightmares in my head ARE real.

I've always had times where I've found myself drowning in those horrible thoughts... my family dying... being alone... having to run away... even myself dying. I hate them.

But I'm obsessed with them.

As if I want them to happen.  

[Spastic waffles]

I haven't seen him in so long becuase we don't go to the same school and we have scheduling issues. We've had to cancel 4 different times we were supposed to hang out becuase he had to work, or he went camping with his family, or his dad/stepmom just wouldn't let him go. And this is just within the past week and a half, mind you. We talk every day, it's just not the same. I'm a really clingy, physical sort of person, so I really need the actual hugs and stuff. Especially when I'm having as crappy of a week as I'm having.

And it makes it worse when we cancel plans, becuase every time we plan something I start to get happy becuase I"m finally going to see him, then something wrenches it away from me and I feel worse than before.  

[KirbyVictorious]

BlackHawkGS

@ Kirby:

Some of the nightmares in my head ARE real.

I've always had times where I've found myself drowning in those horrible thoughts... my family dying... being alone... having to run away... even myself dying. I hate them.

But I'm obsessed with them.

As if I want them to happen.

I know how you feel...except my nightmares aren't about me. (well, lately, a little bit, but I've never really considered myself as a whole individual.) They're about people I care about more than anything, even if they aren't real. It's kind of scarier, in a way. At least if it was my sister or something, I could wake up and know she was still there.

It gets to a point where blood and screaming and such become the norm, and then nothing can scare you.

Worst part: I know exactly how to stop it, and it isn't happening. stare Grr.  

[UsakoTenshi]

I wish I could hold you all closely and help a lot more by then just telling you that I hope everything gets better.... But I do mean it, that I would do whatever I could to help you all to make the days seem calmer, the time to be with others to be there with you, for the nightmares to end, for people to stop contronlling your world....

I know that you'll be able to get through. Just know that there are people who are here to help you... I wish there was some sort of comfort for me to give you all, but all I have our my hopes for you.

Good luck, and stay strong....  

[KirbyVictorious]

heart so sweet...  

[BlackHawkGS]

Thank you, person I've seen in the guild only once before heart

Well, I suppose things aren't terrible. I mean, the whole "school, parents, cross-country" thing isn't getting any better. But the girl I've been talking with has been uber nice and an actual relationship seems like a reality (Homecoming dance is Saturday.) She's definitely helping.

And of course, I have the usual friends. My friend Tommy had me play this Unreal Tournament game with him online earlier, and we had a blast (though, I of course suck at first-person shooter games xd )  

[Tak-Jak]

-dies-

Takky loves First Person Shooter Games.


*Halo 3 and and and Jericho is coming out soon!!*

-drools then dies again-  

[KirbyVictorious]

What an amazingly sensitive and passionate person you are, Takkun. An entire page of pure depression, and you come up with that. ADD much? xd