Geza

[Flowers For Demon Horns]

It started when I was about six, I’d be going to the park or the market or school, and I’d see this girl, she’d come from nowhere. The next thing I knew there was some accident, a fatal one, someone would be hit by a car, or be crushed by something. All through my years I’d see this girl, this blue girl, she was blue, everything had a different shade of blue on it, from her hair, her striped shirt, and even her skin had a blue tint to it, so naturally I called her blue. After awhile these deaths didn’t upset me, I would see her, then bam another one down, only a few got under my skin, like when my mother died was the worst. I saw blue just staring at me with this “you have no clue do you look” naturally, being about 8 you take that as a fighting look, I left my mother’s side and crossed the street to face her. I was standing in front of her when she pointed; I turned just in time to see my mother crossing the street and get hit by a car that ran a red light. That memory will haunt me forever.

Eventually I figured out that this had to do with me, I think I was ten. I tried explaining these things to adults, they just said I was trying to explain why these people died, typical adults, to think kids are imagining everything, it was probably because I told them blue never looks different, no matter how many years go by, its the truth, but not there kind of truth. I really wanted to know why these people died, so I looked at all the death records to try to find a link. There were only two, they were all accident, and I was always there. One day I was looking through and turned to a page, there was one name that caught my attention, Geza she died right around when all this started, so I counted her as another victim.

One day I saw Blue just standing there, I waited a minute and after there was no accident, I went up to her. She grabbed my hand, and led me down a maze of streets, and stopped at an intersection. We were just standing there, and she said “do you remember now?” I froze in place, a rush of memories coming back, an accident, a hit and run, me and this girl being hit, she was killed, they managed to save me because she took the most of the impact. She wasn’t the bringer of death; she was stopping death from getting me. All those people were supposed to be me. She was Geza, Geza was my sister. I stood there as tears fell from my eye, all she said was “now you remember, that’s good.”I didn’t want anyone else to die, so I walked into the middle of the street, where Geza was killed all those years back. I told her “this is all for the best.” She just nodded, right before the car ran me over. Now Geza and I watch the world go by, because were not allowed in to the afterlife, that’s what you get for defying death.  

[KirbyVictorious]

GAH SYNTAX!!! X.x

I really liked this story, yes, but you could have done so much better with it. Syntax primarily, and going into more detail. What about the scenery, the cars; how did a ten year old obtain records?

Gogogo *points* and fix eet.  

[in the flicker.]

this is an interesting story, but Kirbs has a point: you're telling, not showing. I want to see it and hear it and smell it, not read about it. put me there and let me look around.

also, you used the wrong "there" in "but not there kind of truth." It should be "their." "There" is used for location, like "my mom died right there," whereas "their" is possessive "it was their car, and that's why they took the blame."

In addition, (this is the English major in me), "you have no clue do you" should have some punctuation. It should read "you have no clue, do you?" to help it read more effectively.

last thing (i promise): try to be consistent with your numbers. If you write out a single-digit number, write out any other single-digit number. Usually numbers like "five" and "eight" are written out because they're so small. If you're writing a number like 2345, it would be time consuming to write "two thousand three hundred forty-five" so you'd just use the digits.

But really this is cool. I would like to see a little more creepiness, a little more epiphany at the end. This idea is pretty great, though.  

[KirbyVictorious]

in the flicker.

this is an interesting story, but Kirbs has a point: you're telling, not showing. I want to see it and hear it and smell it, not read about it. put me there and let me look around.

also, you used the wrong "there" in "but not there kind of truth." It should be "their." "There" is used for location, like "my mom died right there," whereas "their" is possessive "it was their car, and that's why they took the blame."

In addition, (this is the English major in me), "you have no clue do you" should have some punctuation. It should read "you have no clue, do you?" to help it read more effectively.

last thing (i promise): try to be consistent with your numbers. If you write out a single-digit number, write out any other single-digit number. Usually numbers like "five" and "eight" are written out because they're so small. If you're writing a number like 2345, it would be time consuming to write "two thousand three hundred forty-five" so you'd just use the digits.

But really this is cool. I would like to see a little more creepiness, a little more epiphany at the end. This idea is pretty great, though.

Love, that has nothing to do with English majoring--that's sixth-grade grammar. blaugh Thank you very much though.  

[The Splendiferous Rufu]

8| Kirby, you're starting to border on my patience for grammar tolerance. I agree with you for the most part, but it's just not something everyone catches on their first time around, and it's not obscuring the meaning or feeling of the piece most of the time. Not that grammar isn't worth mentioning, but you're being pretty dramatic about it, and this isn't the first time.

As for critique:

I reallyreallyreally like the storyline. 8D <3 It's a great twist there at the end, and it leaves you room to wiggle around with this story if you want to - why exactly did she 'erase' the memories of her sister dying, for instance?

I agree with flicker on most everything else - I think the reader has to experience this piece directly from the narrator's mind, or it really won't work. What totally killed the ending for me was just the matter-of-fact, omniscient way you explained the connection between the blue girl and Geza. I think the piece would be much better as a whole if you took everything from the narrator's point of view. Get into her head; explain her thought process.

In my opinion, this could be displayed in a much more drawn-out fashion - you rush through all these facts and discoveries in about one paragraph. It's definitely interesting enough material for me to keep reading through pages more - don't be afraid to expand!

<3RUFU

 

[Isianya]

Wow. Uhm... What can I say that hasn't already been said? (Darn me for lateness!)

First off, let me just say you have an obvious creative talent for story-telling. I mean, you got all these people to read your stuff from beginning to end and left them wanting more, so bravo!

Other than the mistakes in grammar and mechanics, I'd say you may want to brush up on your tone vocabulary to set the perfect mood for your story. I'm not sure if a ten-year-old is telling the story or if he's looking back on the whole experience..maybe a combination of both? Either way, simple things like changing "...come from nowhere..." to "suddenly appear." But, again, this all has to do with tone and syntax and what not.

Good job though! It takes a lot of courage to put your work out and open to criticism like this.

.:~o*'Isianya'*o~:.  

[NovaKing]

in the flicker.

this is an interesting story, but Kirbs has a point: you're telling, not showing. I want to see it and hear it and smell it, not read about it. put me there and let me look around.

also, you used the wrong "there" in "but not there kind of truth." It should be "their." "There" is used for location, like "my mom died right there," whereas "their" is possessive "it was their car, and that's why they took the blame."

In addition, (this is the English major in me), "you have no clue do you" should have some punctuation. It should read "you have no clue, do you?" to help it read more effectively.

last thing (i promise): try to be consistent with your numbers. If you write out a single-digit number, write out any other single-digit number. Usually numbers like "five" and "eight" are written out because they're so small. If you're writing a number like 2345, it would be time consuming to write "two thousand three hundred forty-five" so you'd just use the digits.

But really this is cool. I would like to see a little more creepiness, a little more epiphany at the end. This idea is pretty great, though.

To kirbs and flicker: Ahh but the little girl was telling the story, not living it. Description too heavy might not be fitting of the context. It would be a clever trick to fool the reader into thinking that the story is actually taking place, but serve little use otherwise.

To flowers: I'm sorry, but I've seen too many "dead little girl" twists to not have seen that comming. Additionally, I had some trouble finding what this short was trying to tell me.

Regardless, this story was told well. Keep up the good work.  

[KirbyVictorious]

The Splendiferous Rufu

8| Kirby, you're starting to border on my patience for grammar tolerance. I agree with you for the most part, but it's just not something everyone catches on their first time around, and it's not obscuring the meaning or feeling of the piece most of the time. Not that grammar isn't worth mentioning, but you're being pretty dramatic about it, and this isn't the first time.

As for critique:

I reallyreallyreally like the storyline. 8D <3 It's a great twist there at the end, and it leaves you room to wiggle around with this story if you want to - why exactly did she 'erase' the memories of her sister dying, for instance?

I agree with flicker on most everything else - I think the reader has to experience this piece directly from the narrator's mind, or it really won't work. What totally killed the ending for me was just the matter-of-fact, omniscient way you explained the connection between the blue girl and Geza. I think the piece would be much better as a whole if you took everything from the narrator's point of view. Get into her head; explain her thought process.

In my opinion, this could be displayed in a much more drawn-out fashion - you rush through all these facts and discoveries in about one paragraph. It's definitely interesting enough material for me to keep reading through pages more - don't be afraid to expand!

<3RUFU

o: I'm just particular about grammar, is all. I catch mistakes in every novel I read. That was my genuine reaction, and quite honestly I found the grammar/syntax unacceptable for that interesting of a story. Dunno why it would offend you. Don't you agree that everyone should try their best to be the best they can be?  

[in the flicker.]

NovaKing

in the flicker.

this is an interesting story, but Kirbs has a point: you're telling, not showing. I want to see it and hear it and smell it, not read about it. put me there and let me look around.

also, you used the wrong "there" in "but not there kind of truth." It should be "their." "There" is used for location, like "my mom died right there," whereas "their" is possessive "it was their car, and that's why they took the blame."

In addition, (this is the English major in me), "you have no clue do you" should have some punctuation. It should read "you have no clue, do you?" to help it read more effectively.

last thing (i promise): try to be consistent with your numbers. If you write out a single-digit number, write out any other single-digit number. Usually numbers like "five" and "eight" are written out because they're so small. If you're writing a number like 2345, it would be time consuming to write "two thousand three hundred forty-five" so you'd just use the digits.

But really this is cool. I would like to see a little more creepiness, a little more epiphany at the end. This idea is pretty great, though.

To kirbs and flicker: Ahh but the little girl was telling the story, not living it. Description too heavy might not be fitting of the context. It would be a clever trick to fool the reader into thinking that the story is actually taking place, but serve little use otherwise.

To flowers: I'm sorry, but I've seen too many "dead little girl" twists to not have seen that comming. Additionally, I had some trouble finding what this short was trying to tell me.

Regardless, this story was told well. Keep up the good work.

that's a good point. you're right: this isn't an "in the moment" story--it's an actual "one day i was walking on the street" blah blah story. while i think this could still have a bit more detail, i retract my statement as critique and insert it as suggestion.

@kirbs: your comment was rude. not everyone knows every little thing about grammar--certainly not sixth graders--and fewer people can catch their own errors in their work. for such a brilliant writer (which you certainly are), you could have phrased that more tactfully.  

[KirbyVictorious]

Phrased what?

I don't know what I did, really....  

[in the flicker.]

Maybe I am mistaken, but I personally felt that your comment about "sixth grade grammar" was a bit condescending. More than a bit, actually.  

[KirbyVictorious]

That's when I learned it! X.x I think. Sorry.  

[in the flicker.]

The internet is a poor medium for communication, and things can easily get misconstrued.

My only point was: you did not offend me, no (because my "English major" comment was referring to the fact that I was pointing out minor grammatical things, not the grammatical issues themselves), but that I felt the author could have been offended, and, to be honest, if I were the author, I would be. Granted, I might have misunderstood the thought behind your comment, but I would probably be offended.

I never intended to cause a ruckus (although I did...); I was merely suggesting that you might be a little more careful when talking about other's works.

On the one hand, I really think your harshness is good, but then sometimes I don't. I'm sure people think the same of me, though. And I'm rambling now.  

[KirbyVictorious]

you'd be surprised at how bipolarly people can take things. Best to just say the truth.

Plus, if no one has noticed, it's the suckiest day of the year--the day schools around the country start. *sob*

tis in the past. *forgets*  

[Flowers For Demon Horns]

I wrote this story up at midnight, so I dont think I'll be doing anything to it.
Wow theres a huge debate going on here O_o