Epic quotes (Screw cleanliness, it's no holds barred, now)

[ChainsawDooM]

Like the title says. This has the clean (at least relatively clean) quotes that make me laugh that I can find.

Feel free to post your own funny quotes (if they're clean...)

EDIT:
As the title now says, cleanliness is going out the window. The reason I'm not updating this much is because I'm getting tired of screening the quotes for content. I'll still asterisk out profanities, but as far as subject matter is concerned, it's now no-holds-barred.  

[ChainsawDooM]

I had to sit through the Sound of Music for TWO FRIGGIN weeks.. bloody school shows... probably why I've cracked... lol
The hiiiiiills are aliiiiiive with the sound of **BANG!!** DIE YOU B***ARDS!!! **BANG!!**  

[ChainsawDooM]

There was a 23% drop in temperature.
That's almost 25%!
... That was one of the most worthless comments I've ever heard.  

[ChainsawDooM]

-[Conroy_Bumpus]- OH F*** ME
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- I FORGOT TO PICK UP MY 7 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER FROM SOCCER PRACTICE
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- 9 HOURS AGO
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- HOLY S***
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- BYE  

[ChainsawDooM]

Real life should have a f***ing search function, or something.
I need my socks.  

[ChainsawDooM]

I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.  

[ChainsawDooM]

I have passed the transitional stage of internet geekhood
I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the code for plums, which is 4040.
and the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in wrong.
and the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404"
and I actually laughed out loud  

[ChainsawDooM]

< Alkivar> we're on our way back from partying in NYC over the weekend ... it was like sunday afternoon we're headed back west
< Alkivar> we're cruisin... maybe 130-140mph
< Alkivar> flew past a trooper on the side of the road
< Alkivar> trooper lights up ... siren blasting ... chasing us down the highway
< Alkivar> we're both like should we stop ... there's no way he can catch up to us
< Alkivar> we decided to be good and stop
< Alkivar> cop catches up to us ... comes out gun drawn ... pissed as hell
< Alkivar> walks up to the side of the car and goes
< Alkivar> "SON CAN I SEE YOUR PILOT'S LICENSE"
< Alkivar> Jason pulls out his f***ing pilot's license
< Alkivar> cop's jaw hits the f***ing ground
< Alkivar> most stunned face I've ever f***ing seen
< Alkivar> in this practically a whimper goes "get the f*** out of here"
< Alkivar> no ticket... too embarassed apparently
< Alkivar> I'll never forget that day long as I live
< Alkivar> I was sure we were goin to jail  

[ChainsawDooM]

Spin: arrrr, pirates of the south west
Spin: thar be large pipes o'bandwith near ye'ol univarsety.
Pirate: yearg, ye may be an ta somethan thar.
Spin: what say ye we pull yonder USB hard disk longside yonder NMSU puter and begin tha lutin and plunderin.
Pirate: yearg. The master done gaved me a testin machine with a grand ol CDR.
Pirate: Avast!
Pirate: MP3s off the starboard bow!
Spin: stere clear of ye porn pop ups rollin in from tha east.
Pirate: I have mah trusty Opera browsa to help me fend em off.
Spin: encrypt the data holds, batton down thar security patches, argh thar be spyware abound.  

[ChainsawDooM]

I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo
and got mauled
and people were talking about how there should have been better defences put up to prevent people getting into the cage
a friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent
for example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in  

[ChainsawDooM]

* Spoon casts Wall of Silence
*** Spoon sets mode: +m (that means he muted him)
why?
Because exo went insane
no, he just brought his insanity up to another level
* Sentinel checks..
*** Sentinel sets mode: -m (un-mute)
THERE'S BUTTER ON MY FACE!
*** Sentinel sets mode: +m (Mute)  

[ChainsawDooM]

<+kritical> christin: you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself..
<+Christin1> how do i do that  

[ChainsawDooM]

omg i love this song
Now playing: Unknown Artist - Track 2 @ 128 Kbps. (0:47/3:24)
blazemore: yeah, that's a bad a** song  

[ChainsawDooM]

Metallica sold out in 45 mins :/
Yeah I know.
Oh wait
You mean, like, a concert?
yes  

[ChainsawDooM]

Time for my prayers:
Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven.
Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe.
And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z box when we're too pissed off to think about what's right and wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we'd appreciate it.
For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.