Am I cursed?

[Dark_Dragon_Bagera]

This might go into a partial rant,but I've been wondering for a long time.(also please skip if you don't want to hear a depressing as hell life story,just warning you now)

I have had a very traumatic life,when I was around 6 my problems seemed to start.I was hated by almost everyone in my elementary school(even by some teachers)because I was different and well...lonely.This became sheer isolation in middle school and then Iwas taken into homeschooling whereI was severed from all outside contact.I rarely went outside and I never talked with peers.Up until only recently,late march I think,did I start to use computers at all in my life.I have been to therepists and shrinks and once to a partial mental hospital.

Loneliness is the onlything I have known in my life,yet...whenever I make a friend they abandon me a few short months later.I try to be a caring and loyal person,and every friend I have ever had has told me they would stay by my side and be warm and kind always.Yet,I tell them that is what they all say and they reply with"Well I'm different"yet it all ends the same.I meet wonderful people and bond with them quickly,I hear thier problems and never think of it as a burden.I make hand made gifts for all my friends and even donate ALL(not some)of my gaia earnings if they're here on gaia.

Yet I have many flaws from my life of suffering and solitude.I often get swept away in the despair of my past(this I can't helpbecause I have post traumatic stress disorder or ptsd)and I can't help but talk about it to people.This is I think the biggest thing that drives them away(yet I listen eagerly to thier problems-.-)I even tell them that I am trying to fix my problems,but to anyone that has mental issues,you know it is not easy to deal with and takes a very long time to fix.My friends can't put up with this though,despiteall the other kindnesses.They then hate and abandon me as all the rest did,thus making my problems worse.I have even turned the kindest people into monsters,making them hate everyone and everything,not just me.

This is why I wonder if I am cursed.The cycle never seems to be broken and only more suffering comes from it.I know it can easily be fixed,if someone was a real friend to me,and showed silent kindness to listen to my story.They wouldn't even have to do anything to try and help,just listen and not hate or detest my presence.I'm just lonely and I wonder if it is so wrong to want someone to be here for me,someone to share myself with,and someone to hold me and make me feel better.No one seems to want to do this,just show basic friendship and kindness,but pushing me away doesn't make my problems go away,just makes them worse.

Anyway,I just wanted to post this because typing out my pain in this way seems to make me feel better.To know that someone else has seen it is in a way someone has listened to me.And if you have had any similer experiences,please,feel free to share them with me,I never turn away.It also gives me solace to know that others understand what I have gone through.I am sorry to pour all this out,but thank you for just reading...  

[Tiga]

You really shouldn't let a few bad friendships get to you. Everyone's lost some friendships, and I know I've seen quite a few go over the years. No matter who you are, everyone goes through this kind of thing on some level; it doesn't make you cursed.

Well, you don't seem very cursed to me, anyway. xp  

[Dark_Dragon_Bagera]

Thank you,but it wasn't just a few friendships.Even my teachers in school hated me,and most people who don't even know me tend to...shy away.I'm glad there are those that can get past me issues,even if I only meet those people online.  

[Alektorphobia]

Dark_Dragon_Bagera

Thank you,but it wasn't just a few friendships.Even my teachers in school hated me,and most people who don't even know me tend to...shy away.I'm glad there are those that can get past me issues,even if I only meet those people online.

How did your teachers hate you? Are you one of those people that think that you get punished then you must be hated?  

[Dark_Dragon_Bagera]

Asphyxiat!on

Dark_Dragon_Bagera

Thank you,but it wasn't just a few friendships.Even my teachers in school hated me,and most people who don't even know me tend to...shy away.I'm glad there are those that can get past me issues,even if I only meet those people online.

How did your teachers hate you? Are you one of those people that think that you get punished then you must be hated?

No not at all,my 2nd grade teacher wasn't just nasty to me,she only liked"the popular girls"so she would hand every crappy job off to the less popular ones(even forbid us from going to the bathroom)and my 6th grade science teacher hated me because she pretty much said so.I used to get sick alot because I had severe allergies to mold,so I missed alot of school.I couldn't help this,but that teacher said to me if I missed one more day of school she'd have people come to my house,arrest my parents,and drag me into school.I was the only one that was treated this way in her class.  

[Tiga]

That's more than a little out of line for a teacher to say, but there ARE laws about school attendence and such. Sounds like you definately got some unreasonable teachers...but I still wouldn't say you're cursed. Just keep your chin up, and stay positive! Things always look worse when you're focusing on the negative.  

[Dark_Dragon_Bagera]

I do know about school attendance laws,but as long as you get the work you have to do dne there isn't a real problem.

I have been trying to focus on postitive things,but the only thing that makes me worse,is when something wonderful will happen,and then a short time later it is taken away and replaced with something ten times as worse.I keep trying though,even though I cry many times everyday.  

[-Mistress_Umbra-]

-sighs- there is a saying out there..that someone once said...i dont remember how it goes..and..the fact i cant remember it at the moment-googles- anyways

On a spiritual note, this seems like a rather...well...spiritual kind of thing for me..and trust me..i know how you REALLY feel..i went through the same crap...in an all white class...with a racist 5th grade male teacher and the only black girl..it was hellish...

Yet, sometimes....people..are well..different..from..humans...you could say it goes along with the whole guild in general actually! Furries. well..some beleive that their spirit is actually an anthro like animal...-shrugs- and instinctively..we all give off a vibe that's just straight up normal..and well, how humans are is rather predictable...
What humans dont know, they fear..what they fear, they hate..what they hate, they try to destroy.
The only thing i can say about the girls who are treating you wrong, if the teacher doesnt do anything about it then take it to higher source.

People always..ALWAYS think that my mom educated me wrong when it came to s**t like this. Brutal...but it gets the point across:

If someone is ******** with you...ignore it...more than anything, they're just trying to get a rise out of you and ******** with you
If they keep on going with it...ask them politely to stop ******** with you...more or less, they'll be surprised AND counfused by your actions..expecting a b***h slap, all they get is respect
If they presist..take it to a higher command..teacher/parent
By this point, the parent and/or teacher should have dealt with the problem at hand to the point where they shouldnt bother you anymore
Yet if it keeps up..either take it with the police..or do it in your own hands
Doing it with your own hands generally shows the acurate and easy way out of the situation. Kick their ******** a** to a bloody pulp untill they get the picture not to ******** with you anymore! Simple! if they didnt stop at phase 2 then they diserve the a** whooping!  

[Dark_Dragon_Bagera]

The way you handle things made me lol,you go girl.That advise would have really done me good back when I was in school,but I haven't been in school for 8 years now.I was homeschooled halfway through the 6th grade and have been isolated ever since.Most of my problems today are from what happened back then and having 8 years of free time to stew on it doesn't help.That is how I developed depression and ptsd.

Post traumatic stress disorder is more commonly know from soldiers that have experienced combat and have come back reliving that combat.Basiclly,what it is is constantly reliving the problems from your past and it translates to not having a will for the future.By habit I like to talk about my past with people(I can't help it,it's part of the disorder)and this is what continuosly drives them away.Ptsd is incurable,and stays with you all your life and often goes hand in hand with depression and other mental disorders.However,it can get better with time,and I DO get better when I befriend people and they help me.

I go back to square one when they abandom me though,thus the cycle never seems to break.Kind of a 1 step forward two steps back sort of thing.This is why I have said I must be cursed,because no matter what good seems to happen,something 10 times as bad must follow.I do have hope that the cycle may be broken one day.  

[Alektorphobia]

Dark_Dragon_Bagera

I do know about school attendance laws,but as long as you get the work you have to do dne there isn't a real problem.

I have been trying to focus on postitive things,but the only thing that makes me worse,is when something wonderful will happen,and then a short time later it is taken away and replaced with something ten times as worse.I keep trying though,even though I cry many times everyday.

You don't know how school attendance laws work if you think just doing the work makes up for it. If you miss more than the number established by your school board, you CAN get taken to court and have them sentence you for it. When I lived in SC, I ran away from home and missed 96 days of school. I had to go to court and they told me that I couldn't miss a day of school again unless I had a doctor's note in the state of South Carolina.

It wasn't being treated unfair, it's breaking the law.  

[Dark_Dragon_Bagera]

Asphyxiat!on

You don't know how school attendance laws work if you think just doing the work makes up for it. If you miss more than the number established by your school board, you CAN get taken to court and have them sentence you for it. When I lived in SC, I ran away from home and missed 96 days of school. I had to go to court and they told me that I couldn't miss a day of school again unless I had a doctor's note in the state of South Carolina.

It wasn't being treated unfair, it's breaking the law.

I didn't miss THAT much school,only about 30 or so days a year,but I got very sick and most of those days were at around the same time.And I had doctors notes EVERY time.She was the only teacher that had a problem with it and I was an honor student.She didn't know my mom worked at the school and when my mother confronted her she shut up right there.She would also try and find ways to humiliate me and just get me into trouble as well.I would finish tests and look around the class room after I handed it in(we had a rule about not looking around while doing tests but I had handed it in)and she would say out loud that if I looked around anymore that she would fail me.I was bored and had nothing to do but wait till the test was over and all I did was look at the posters above her desk.She would also target me when others would tease me and say that it was all my fault,so I do think it was unfair treatment.And NONE of the other teachers in my 6th grade treated me in this way(but the nurse did -.-)  

[akmon_taldrek]

I had similar problems. Friends that didn't really care about me and wouldn't listen to my problems. Teachers who obviously hated me for no reason. Chronic depression. The only thing I missed was the PTSD. The only good part of my life so far is my slight schizophrenia. I think it's the only thing keeping me slightly sane. lol The only thing I can tell you is it will eventually get better. You will meet someone who won't mind listening to you and helping you as much as they can. I know it's not much, but a little bit of hope can be more useful then most people think.  

[Blue Atsushi-Kai]

Dark_Dragon_Bagera

Thank you,but it wasn't just a few friendships.Even my teachers in school hated me,and most people who don't even know me tend to...shy away.I'm glad there are those that can get past me issues,even if I only meet those people online.

I had a teacher who hated me once. Mr. ****ford. He insulted me for being from the north, so I called him a retarded inbred hillbilly. My mom got called in for a parent/teacher conference. She ripped my history teacher a new one. You see, in the buckle of the Bible Belt, there are what's known as "regionalists". There are Northerners who blindly hate the south, and there are Southerners who hate the north for winning the Civil War (you should see the confederate flags fly here....yeesh).

I'm going to cut this story off and skip to the end. He wasn't fired coz he had tenure. He was, however, "encouraged" to quit. You see, Mr. ****ford didn't know that my mother had an in with the Superintendent of the Board of Education, being a proactive teacher herself.  

[Kurick-teh-dude]

That dude above has aparently suffered the same fate as his teacher, he just said "coz" and if you pronounce it, it sounds like something someone from the south would say.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I feel the same way, at least you had a slow and steady tumble, i was kicked of the cliff. When i moved to Memphis to live with my real father, because "Ma" was a pothead, drunk, cheated on my step-dad while he was in Iraq. Anyway, after attending 8th grade in a private school, my dad couldn't afford to put me in a private school, so i went to public school. Let me tell you, out of all the places I lived, there has never been a more racist place as memphis. The first day of riding my bike to school, i rode through the local neighborhood, and had rocks thrown at me, with kids yelling "get yo white a** out this hood". So that wasn't ANY encouragement to go outside. The kids at school, HA, they love to treat me as if i was lower then them. They thought I was jewish, just because i was white. Now i lived in Ohio where the demographics were the same as here, and I was never treated any different up there. Memphis KILLED my social life, the only social life i really have outside of gaia, are the underground groups im in, e.i furries, raves, even a group in which we go out and tag places, but its not some ghetto gang, its about getting a message out.
ANYWAY, yea once i moved to memphis, my mental stability was crushed, and as a recovering autistic, that wasn't easy for me, and it's still not easy. Memphis ruined my life. I started gaining weigh too at the beginning, but i finally got control and im now as fit as i was before i came to memphis, even more fit. The best solution is to listen to some Simple Plan, and move on, I want to be who I want to be, and im sure you want to be what you want to be, don't let anyone tell you to be something you don't want to be. Stand up for it, take anything they throw at you to convince you otherwise, and in my case, i'll die for what I think is right, even if Mark, *the blue atasjakdj dude* tells me the army sucks, I will die for what i want to do. Dont let what ignorant people say kill your dream, how dare they even try, fight back when neccesary. FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT.  

[Saga Shadow]

First off, your life has been rough, by the looks of it. I remember back in middle school when most of my friends made fun of me and nobody seemed to like me. it didn't even seem like my parents even cared i existed. I've been through that, and it sucks. now i'm gonna seem like a jerk for saying this, but the best advice I can give you is to get over it. Life goes on, and there's nothing you can do about it. when a friend leaves you, then you know they were never really your friend. if a teacher hates you, just do your best in the class so you don't have to see them the next year. The sooner you get to getting over your past, the sooner you get to look forward to what is going to happen. I know that having a mental disorder is difficult to get over, but it can be done, and it can be done without paying those shrinks that don't feel the pain you do. if you have a dog, take it for a walk, get some exersize, or just drown your pain in writing, music, or art. Sorrows can survive the sweat and the booze, but rarely can they survive the ink.