[untitled]

[moonkhist]

[Welcome to my thread where I will post my first novella. It doesn't have a title yet. I'll give it one once I can think of a good and fulfilling title.

I'm thinking about posting 2 chapters at a time since it is based on the point of view of two different people; a boy, and a girl. Only once in a while will you get only 1 chapter.

Its not your average teen love story. In fact, I don't even know if its like that myself, the writer. I know enough to say it's a read you wouldn't find anywhere else.

Please, enjoy the ideas that come from my heart. Comment, and if you critique on it, please don't be so harsh; I'm an amateur, but I am still a writer.]

These are the first 2 chapters. Every sentence is written by me, therefore i reserve the right to call it my own. Do NOT steal my ideas, because then you'd be stealing my heart.~~~~~

writer's note: this story is based on the p.o.v of two different characters. so chapter two is not the same person. 8D get it? got it? good. enjoy my latest work. expect more; and please comment.





Chapter one.
Matt.
Nightmare.

She’s laying on the ground. Is she alright? Its raining, I have to help her. Why can’t I help her? Where is the door? Where is that God damned door? Wait, wait! She’s moving. No! NO! Leave her alone! She’s bleeding, you b*****d, why can’t you see that? WHERE IS THE DOOR? Don’t leave her there in the street, she needs help! She needs my help! She’s dying, oh good God she’s DYING.

I woke up on the floor next to my bed, sweat trickling in bullets on my forehead. That so did not just happen. The BMX poster with Chase Hawk above me loomed over, as if coating the nightmare that had just occurred. I needed to see her, is she alright? No. It was just that dream again. What time is it? Crap, 7:45. The bus comes at 8, and I need to see if she’s safe, alive. Pulling on the nearest pair of pants hanging off my bedpost, I zoomed into the bathroom, brushing my teeth and leaving my brown slightly longish but curly-ish hair messed up. She likes it when its messed up in the morning anyways.

Pulling a red plain shirt over my head, I threw on my skate shoes and flew out the door, forgetting my backpack. My backpack, why would I forget? Oh, that’s right. I just saw the girl of my dreams die in front of me while I just stood there watching her through a window, again. After flying out a second time this time equipped with my pack, I tried to look as casual as I could walking swiftly down Beachshell Drive down to the bus stop.

She’s not there. Why isn’t she there? Is she dead? No, I need to shut up with my weird freakish paranoid thoughts. The bus is coming, why isn’t she here yet?








Chapter two.
Abigail.
Late.

“Why? Why Abbs? Why do you have to wake up late this morning?”
I sat there in the passenger seat of my mother’s car, trying to think up a considerable excuse. Instead, I was silent. The Beach Boys played quietly against the clunking of her fingers thrumming impatiently against the rim of the steering wheel.
“Well?!”
“…sorry, Mom. I guess I woke up late.”
“You GUESS?!”
“….yeah. Really, really sorry you’re late to work.”
I could have thrown myself out that car and dragged myself the rest of my way to school. I could have just opened the door and waltzed right out. A dog could have bitten me and given me rabies for all I cared. That would be better than listening to this again. Anything would be better than this.
“Abigail, I had an important meeting with the president of the company this morning.”
What? No, you didn’t, you liar. You had a meeting with the manager about your twenty-five cent raise. You call that important?
“I’m sorry.”
“You’d better be. Where is the school again?”
Oh. Gosh. Seriously? What the…you’ve driven me to this school for a year now.
I sighed. “Take another left. I’m 2 hours late.”
“And you’re ******** telling ME, Abbs.”
She sighed. And I was daydreaming of rabies.
♥ ♥ ♥

 

[Tak-Jak]

My boyfriend's name is Matt. Odd. But my name isn't Abigail; Tis Remy.

Now, I have actually had some pretty bad nightmares about him dying... You did a good job on recounting the rapid wake up and confusing etc. setting.


I'm really curious to see where this is going. I know I would freak out if I had one of those nightmares, and he didn't arrive at school on time.  

[moonkhist]

Tak-Jak

My boyfriend's name is Matt. Odd. But my name isn't Abigail; Tis Remy.

Now, I have actually had some pretty bad nightmares about him dying... You did a good job on recounting the rapid wake up and confusing etc. setting.


I'm really curious to see where this is going. I know I would freak out if I had one of those nightmares, and he didn't arrive at school on time.

Really? Remy is a good name. <3 *keeps in mind*

Well good, thank you so much. :] I have other chapters written, I think I should post those soon. I'd like to get another comment first though.
♥ ♥ ♥

 

[Tak-Jak]

I might come back and edit some, or see if I can find anything in need of editing (IE: grammar, awkward syntax, blah blah). But I am supposed to be working on this here test *points to the blank page next to me* and you can see how well that is going.  

[KirbyVictorious]

Wow.

One thing: don't go into so much detail about the people yet. Incorporate details about hair and color of clothing later on. Besides, clothes aren't very important anyway, especially not with boys, unless they're like anime characters or smoething.

I sympathize with abby, even if she is rather emo. What happens next?  

[moonkhist]

That would be great. <3
I dont really have anyone to read over what I write and correct things I overlook when I read them over, so...Yes. <3

Its weird because I can point out little kinks in someone else's work, but in my own I'm completely oblivious to the obvious.

*glances at blank page and then looks at blank notebook beside me* I feel you. D:

actually its a prompt I have to do for homework for Creative Writing class. I'll have fun with that. Good luck with your test!
♥ ♥ ♥

 

[moonkhist]

KirbyVictorious

Wow.

One thing: don't go into so much detail about the people yet. Incorporate details about hair and color of clothing later on. Besides, clothes aren't very important anyway, especially not with boys, unless they're like anime characters or smoething.

I sympathize with abby, even if she is rather emo. What happens next?

D: details are my weakness, sorry.

and abby gets better, dont worry. (is in trauma from the twilight series) I loved those books, but the main female character was very needy and whinish. abby wont be like that, i just need to get out there that she's a struggling teen, i guess. the first couple of chapters with her are very...i'm not sure how to explain it just yet. i just started with this story, so hopefully readers have patience with me.
♥ ♥ ♥

 

[KirbyVictorious]

ooooooooooooookay....  

[moonkhist]

o.o i was replying to Tak and didnt see your post.

*points to what i just posted* there, i quoted you too. n .n
♥ ♥ ♥

 

[KirbyVictorious]

Let's not criticize Twilight. There is a time (whenever) and a place (Book Discussion forum) for that. But i love many books; I will not tolerate it here.

And what happens next?  

[moonkhist]

I was just using it as an example o___o

*puts hands up and surrenders* x .x

Well you'll have to find that out in the next 2 chapters I'm posting. :] I guess I could do that before I head off to do homework.
♥ ♥ ♥

 

[d e s d e m o n o]

M o o n k h i s t

Chapter one.
Matt.
Nightmare.

She’s lying on the ground. Is she all right? It's raining, I have to help her. Why can’t I help her? Where is the door? Where is that goddamned door? Wait, wait! She’s moving. No! NO! Leave her alone! She’s bleeding, you b*****d, why can’t you see that? WHERE IS THE DOOR? Don’t leave her there in the street, she needs help! She needs my help! She’s dying, oh good God she’s DYING.

I wish there was something here to indicate the break from stream-of-consciousness to the more coherent narrative.

Quote:

I woke up on the floor next to my bed, sweat trickling in bullets down my forehead. That so did not just happen. The BMX poster with Chase Hawk above me loomed over, as if coating the nightmare that had just occurred. I needed to see her; was she all right? No. It was just that dream again. What time is it? Crap, 7:45. The bus comes at 8, and I need to see if she’s safe, alive. Pulling on the nearest pair of pants hanging off my bedpost, I zoomed into the bathroom, brushing my teeth and leaving my brown slightly longish but curly-ish hair messed up. She likes it when its messed up in the morning anyways.

Er. So. First off, why is does his sweat take bullet form? Second, you're switching tenses. Keep to one, please. Third, I DO NOT CARE ABOUT HIS HAIR. I'm sorry. Keep the detail that he doesn't brush it to impress her, but cut out the formidable ishes.

Quote:

Pulling a red plain shirt over my head, I threw on my skate shoes and flew out the door, forgetting my backpack. My backpack, why would I forget? Oh, that’s right. I just saw the girl of my dreams die in front of me while I just stood there watching her through a window, again. After flying out a second time this time equipped with my pack, I tried to look as casual as I could walking swiftly down Beachshell Drive down to the bus stop.

She’s not there. Why isn’t she there? Is she dead? No, I need to shut up with my weird freakish paranoid thoughts. The bus is coming, why isn’t she here yet?

That all seems fine, but you're switching tenses again.

Quote:

Chapter two.
Abigail.
Late.

“Why? Why, Abbs? Why do you have to wake up late this morning?”
I sat there in the passenger seat of my mother’s car, trying to think up a considerable excuse. Instead, I was silent. The Beach Boys played quietly against the clunking of her fingers thrumming impatiently against the rim of the steering wheel.

Abby, fine. Abbs? Really? Would you use a short form of your daughter's name that sounds suspiciously like a muscle set?

"Considerable excuse" is a bit odd to my ear. "Instead, I was silent" - you probably mean something more like "Nothing presented itself, and I remained silent".

Quote:

“Well?!”
“…sorry, Mom. I guess I woke up late.”
“You GUESS?!”
“….yeah. Really, really sorry you’re late to work.”
I could have thrown myself out that car and dragged myself the rest of my way to school. I could have just opened the door and waltzed right out. A dog could have bitten me and given me rabies for all I cared. That would be better than listening to this again. Anything would be better than this.
“Abigail, I had an important meeting with the president of the company this morning.”
What? No, you didn’t, you liar. You had a meeting with the manager about your twenty-five cent raise. You call that important?
“I’m sorry.”
“You’d better be. Where is the school again?”
Oh. Gosh. Seriously? What the…you’ve driven me to this school for a year now.
I sighed. “Take another left. I’m 2 hours late.”
“And you’re ******** telling ME, Abbs.”
She sighed. And I was daydreaming of rabies.

Hah. Well, that was good, although you might want to indicate the thoughts with italics or some such. And again with the Abbs. xd

Anyway, nitpicking aside, overall this is mildly interesting, and the writing's okay; the subject matter isn't to my tastes but that's just a personal thing. You might want to consider writing longer chapters; even for a novella, a few paragraphs is a bit, um, too succinct, if you know what I mean. Good luck!  

[moonkhist]

*is dead*

XD I need to learn how to adjust to critiques. this is basically the first time I'm putting work up for people to look over, so please bear with me.

thank you for helping me though. *keeps head up high* this guild is going to beat me down, I know it.
♥ ♥ ♥

 

[d e s d e m o n o]

I'm sorry! Don't take it to heart - these are all surface level complaints, after all. We try to be nice here, really. If I get too pompous just bring Kirby in here.  

[moonkhist]

Nonono! dont apologize.

I'm not taking anything personal at all.

I'm a sophomore in high school, I'm expected to make mistakes. xD

Thank you, really. I'm hoping one day I can fully rewrite the whole story. As for now, writing it in the first place is a good start.
♥ ♥ ♥