Resident Evil Celebrity Roast!

[Biohazard EXTREME]

If you've never watched a celebrity roast, here's the wiki page for it, and a youtube page, so that you get idea of what celebrity roasts are all about:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Celebrity_roast

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5mpWTqheOg&feature=related

So basically, the point of this thread is that you write your own comedy bit, insulting Resident Evil characters, like you were invited to a Resident Evil celebrity roast. As you could see in the example, they roast not only the person who the roast is about, but all the other guests as well.
So not only are you to make fun of multiple RE characters, (the main Roast victim is to be chosen by you), but just for fun, you are also to roast the poster above you.
I'll be working on my roast now. But if you want to post the first roast, feel free! Pull no punches.  

[MadamTarantula]

This sound like fun. 3nodding

I gotta think of which character I want to make fun of. razz  

[Celestial Fox Frenzi]

I'll make it easy. We start with Leon.  

[Biohazard EXTREME]

Well, by the time you typed that, I was already halfway done. Wesker was my main target, but as you can see, this is how I wrote it. Obviously yours doesn't have to be as long, or it could be longer. Have fun with it!




Tonight, we're here to honor a scientist, a commando, a villain, and the biggest instigator since Woody Woodpecker.
I'm talking about none other than Albert Wesker.
For those who were introduced to Wesker, as he sat in a chair, giving orders to Ada... Play a REAL Resident Evil game, you noobs. Wesker was a bossy control freak long before he got a comfy office chair.

No, Wesker was the original bad guy. He blackmailed Barry to betray his friends. Barry... You thought that making a deal with a diabolical maniac was going to save your family? You dumbass. You didn't even ask to talk to your wife or daughters. That's like giving ransom to a guy who simply claims that he's got your kid, with no proof that he's got your kid at all. Hey, Barry, the word gullible is not in the dictionary.

And according to Jill, neither is 'Prude.' You don't think that skirt was too long, Jill? I couldn't see your panties ALL the time.
Hey, who starched your hair? You think it was firm enough? Too much product is affecting your judgement. You gave the gun back to Barry, what the ******** were you thinking? And then without a single question, you're all buddy buddy again? Yeah, he might've saved you from danger that one time, but so did Nemesis, it doesn't mean that you have to befriend him. Man, I just can't get over your dress.

But that's okay. You just dress like a slut, and I know it doesn't reflect your personality. The question is, who's the biggest slut in Resident Evil? Ashley or Nemesis? I guess it's just a matter of physical strength. Ashley WANTS to do everyone. Nemesis actually takes the initiative. I gotta give him kudos though, not only did he ******** Brad, but he penetrated Jill too. Infected the poor girl with a virus. Now neither Chris NOR Carlos want to ******** her.

People are afraid of STDs these days. But hey, even with T-Virus, Jill still isn't the most diseased creature in Resident Evil. We all know who is. That's right. Ashley. But I'm not gonna roast Ashley, she already had her roast... No wait, that was Pamela Anderson. Sorry, I get them confused, they're very much alike. Both blonde airheads with big breasts, it's obvious, right? But no, the two are actually different. Pamela Anderson is in her forties, and still has a following of teenage boys who'd screw her in a second. Ashley is in her twenties, and she couldn't get with a thirty year old virgin, so what does that say about her?

Well... Not nearly as much as it says about Leon. You know what they say. All the good ones are either taken or gay. And last time I checked, Leon wasn't taken. With Leon it's always a love hate relationship.... Sorry, that's... Love TO hate relationship. But I think people don't really get Leon. I always hear, "I hate Leon. He's the worst RE character!" Come on people! Leon is not a 'He'. I kid, I kid. Earlier on, I called Leon gay. And there's just no way Leon is a lesbian. Leon looked more comfortable in his fight against Captain Shirtless, than he did having Ashley following him around. And who the hell turns Ada down? She could turn gay guys straight!

Speak of the devil, that brings me to our guest of Honor, Albert Wesker.
You really are a man who's done it all. You were a mad scientist, a special forces captain, an evil genius, T-1000, T-101, and in RE5, you've reached the ever-prestigious status of a gay lion tamer. Is it bad that you look like Siegfried and that Chris actually looks like Roy? Well, Roy on Roids, but still, what's going on there? You know, Wild Things scenario was a long time ago. You don't have any lions or tigers to tame now. Although Taming Chris might be a bit hard. I mean, I know Chris always wore green, but this time... Careful Wesker, you piss him off, he might actually TURN green. Your power is a virus, I guess his is Gamma rays. So you might want to be careful. And what happened to your voice? Man... You used to sound so badass... Now you sound worse than Alfred. The T-Virus does transform people. I guess in your case T stands for Tranny, huh? Next you'll be putting on a red dress and a wig and calling yourself Alice. You'd pull it off, too. Afterall, you got the same breast size.
Seriously though, what happened to you, Wesker? You used to be so badass! Now you're more washed up--AND more annoying--than Will Ferrel. Robert Downey Jr. is more relevant than you are, and he's been around since the 80's. Robert Downey Jr's big comeback came when he STOPPED injecting himself with things, maybe you should try it!
You made a big difference in all our lives, Wesker! Let's hope you'll show us something good in the next RE movie.  

[NotteRequiem]

Aaaah! I love this!!!! That was great, Bio... I can't wait for some other ones, and I'll work on one soon!  

[Celestial Fox Frenzi]

They called me here when they noticed me chucking my copy of Resident Evil 4 out the window. Apparently that constituted as me being one of Leon's many undying 'Fans'. I'll tell you something that won't die, the hordes of massive mind eating .... Noobs. What? You thought I'd say zombies? Silly masses, everyone knows zombies don't exist... At least, they don't anymore thanks to Wesker and Leon's combined attempt to fight a cult that's ran by men in robes who are more likely to rape their alter boys than than cathlolic priests. If you don't believe me, lemme get Luis on the line and he can tell you how Saddler saw to it that Luis has to walk with a limp for at least a few months.

Ah, but it's not all bad. I mean, where else but spain could you find a deranged gun loving man who's willing to sell you weapons for exchange of some weird form of money that looks like pirate dubloons. Hell, I saw that same man on my way in here. 'Ello stranger! Would you like a rocket launcher!?' Oh sure, I'd love to give you cash that I randomly found lying next to same people I just shot. And then carrying those same weapons down the street for the cops to come and put me under questioning for being a terrorist.

But hey, that wasn't too terrible. There were chicks in spain, right? Look at Ashley for a second....

Ugh, I know, right? But hey, there was Ada! Who is still available because Leon turned her down. Why? Well, Krauser and Leon had some history right...?

Moving on. There was a huge obstacle in spain... Which is odd, because he was only three feet tall. I didn't know that spainiards liked Oompa Loompa's, but then again, going back to what I said about alter boys and priests, his small stature made for loads of fun. Just ask Leon, he had that short ******** saying his name every time they saw each other.

Leon, I know you had a hard time in Spain, but when a girl asks you if you want to ******** her, say yes next time. Maybe then you'll realise that giving is a lot better than recieving.  

[MadamTarantula]

Bravo Celestial, bravo. biggrin  

[Alkaizer87]

yeah really good. I can never come up with something that creative.  

[Canas Renvall]

So I'm walking down the street one day and I see this shambling homeless guy that kinda looks like a zombie. Now, of course, I was contemplating putting him out of his misery, but then I remembered something: that was about as close as I was going to get to seeing zombies anymore, so I let him shamble his drunk a** away. Seriously, what the hell Capcom?

You know, I think it's good that Resident Evil changed. I mean, what would Resident Evil be without a little "HADOKEN!"? We could all use a little more muscle and buffness in our lives, you just have to admit.

So I heard that Jill was dead now. That's a damn shame. She had big guns... and mmm, her sandwich was sooo good. What I'm gonna miss most though is that chemistry between her and Carlos. Or lack thereof. What a ******** tease! "Oh, Carlos, I don't trust you right now but I'll wear thigh-high clothes for easy access into my underground lab the entire game!" Really, is there anything more mean?

And what about Carlos? What a p***y, he could've had his way with her if he'd really wanted. I'm pretty sure he had the muscle to strap her down; honestly, I don't think she'd struggle too much. Maybe he was just waiting to share his feelings with his buddy Leon.  

[Alkaizer87]

So I was at my friend's party that was being thrown at a rented out pub, when along comes a familiar face, or at least I thought it was him. Some guy gotthe same stupid cut that Leon from Rseident Evil has. Also not to my surprise another male friend comes along with him arm-and-arm. I got out of there as quick as I could.

The queer scene reminded me of of Resident Evil's giant ice berg that sunk the ship. I mean seriously bring Leon in and replace the good old zombie act with blood thristy parasites? I had my mind pondering on Leon's sexuality when he didn't make a move on Ada in Resident Evil2, but in 4 at the end when he turned Ashley down, I need not wonder anymore. I guess this means Krauser and Leon were more than just "Comrades".

It's clear that Capcom has planned a kamikazi with Resident Evil5 coming out, yet again bringing the parasites into play. Who would've thought that a sucha promising series would end up this way. I guess this means that the Japanese title "Biohazard" won't be so biohazard anymore.  

[Alkaizer87]

Did I do a decent roasting? Or did that suck? I'm not good at new things like this.  

[Biohazard EXTREME]

You gotta make fun more. Be more mean toward characters, or toward people.

"It's clear that Capcom has planned a kamikazi with RE5 coming out, yet again putting parasites into play. They got tired of the viruses, I guess. Too many STDs passed on from licking Mikami's a**, all those years."  

[Alkaizer87]

Biohazard EXTREME

You gotta make fun more. Be more mean toward characters, or toward people.

"It's clear that Capcom has planned a kamikazi with RE5 coming out, yet again putting parasites into play. They got tired of the viruses, I guess. Too many STDs passed on from licking Mikami's a**, all those years."

Hillarious, but the thing is I'm not so hardcore to know the people behind the game I jsut know plots and game system stuff, you know the basics. So when you say Mikami I
m like " Wow, I feel like a noob. I'm creative, but I'm not knowledgable enough to create something that awesome.  

[Biohazard EXTREME]

Well, you can say stuff that's strictly within the game. Like...

"According to Marcus, Umbrella employees get hired with no discrimination for race. But let's look at the evidence: Wesker, White, Blonde. Birkin, White, Blonde. Anette, White, Blonde. Ashfords, White, Blonde... I didn't know that James Marcus was English for 'Adolf Hitler'."  

[Alkaizer87]

Biohazard EXTREME

Well, you can say stuff that's strictly within the game. Like...

"According to Marcus, Umbrella employees get hired with no discrimination for race. But let's look at the evidence: Wesker, White, Blonde. Birkin, White, Blonde. Anette, White, Blonde. Ashfords, White, Blonde... I didn't know that James Marcus was English for 'Adolf Hitler'."

rofl Taht's jsut too funny, I'll try to think of something more along the lines of being cruel, after all they don't call it a roasting for nothing.