The Lizard- Sci-fi fic

[josh the lost soul]

This is the first chapter. If I can get some feed back, I'll finish and post the second one.

Chapter One

In the year 2138, the world has reached a level of peace that has never been seen before. The United States of America purchased all the major businesses in the world, and, at some point, each country signed its allegiance to the Great Eagle.
In reality, very few things have changed. The world was unified under one language, and, slowly, only Spanish, German, Chinese, Japanese, and English were major languages. A few small countries, now called Neo-States, have educational programs in other languages, but most people have never heard of Swahili or French, and many others.
Third world countries have been pretty much eliminated, and replaced with ‘not as wealthy communities’. The difference is that no one watches TV, but they always eat, and they always have jobs.
There is also no war. People live in peace and worry about nothing more than “I wonder what is taking place at work today”, or “I wonder what we are going to learn in school.”
There are still threats. The Al-Qaeda and a few branches of Communism still exist, but they are a minority. They are being dealt with. Through the use of military violence, whole families of these terrorist sects are being wiped out, the genetic material needed for dissent being slowly eradicated, and, soon, the world will be one, big, democratic ball of peace.
*******
Soft mutters in Arabic spoke words of comfort. He understood the words perfectly, and understood the fear. It was hard to believe that the man speaking the words would, some time very soon, strap on some explosives, and detonate in front of a large school.
That was his job. The hunter has a slightly different job.
He stepped forward, creeping in like the night does when you snuff out that last candle. The door was no problem, the powerful man stiff-arming the doorknob’s flange out of the wall, splintering the wood around it and sending the door swinging open. He stepped in, seven feet tall and three thick, with a body entirely covered in a huge, black duster. He stepped in and drew out a ten inch knife, holding it tightly in his gloved fist, and striding towards the man in the center of the one room apartment.
The man was standing in front of his family, a wife and two pre-teen boys, with a gun in his hand.
“Don’t move” the terrorist said.
“I am the angel of death. I am here to send you to meet the ones whom you swore you would serve.” The hunter said, in fluent Arabic.
The bearded Arab set his feet and raised the pistol, but HE moved faster. He was suddenly in front of him, holding the gun hand out to the side and up and, with the sound of heated blade hissing through the night, slid the knife between the mans ribs, and into his heart. There was no blood, just a sharp jerk, and then the gun fell to the floor with a resounding thunk.
He slowly lowered the body to the floor, closed the mans eye lids, and placed the murdered man’s hands over his chest. Then he stood up, and turned to leave, not bothering to take the knife back.
There was a strangled sob as the wife broke down beside her husband, clutching his head. The younger child, a girl, slid down next to her. The boy, however, snatched the knife from his fathers chest, and charged at the strangers back, screaming at the top of his lungs and leaping up to stab him between the shoulder blades.
Again, the hunter was lightning embodied in human form, and he was holding the boy by his throat, two and a half feet off the ground. The boy could hardly breathe, but still he stabbed the man’s arm repeatedly with the knife, tearing the fabric and sliding harmlessly across some sort of armor he wore underneath.
When the boy finally almost lost consciousness, the knife clanged to the floor, and the boy followed. Standing over the child, the murderer reached up and pulled something from under the wide hat he wore, which cast an unnatural shadow on his face. When the man pulled the thin fabric of black shadow away, he revealed a long, pointed snout full of long fangs that were hidden by scaly lips, all under large, slanted, bright yellow eyes and covered in pebbly, green skin.
In Arabic once again, the stranger said “This is the face that will be seen by those like your father. Follow your father’s road, and you will see me once more.” Then he replaced the mask, hiding his face in an optical illusion of darkness, and he left the nondescript apartment located in down-town Chicago.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Again, asking for feedback. What is that? I'm not sure, so I'll just edit like I'm used to, then give my opinion.

has reached a level of peace that has never been -- tense doesn't agree with the following sentence(s).

businesses in the world -- of the world? I'm not 100 % sure- this is a grammar thing.

slowly, only Spanish, German, Chinese, Japanese, and English were major languages -- were needs to be changed.

A few small countries, now called Neo-States, have educational programs in other languages, but most people have never heard of Swahili or French, and many others. -- another tense change, although I see your reasoning this time. But, it is still 'out-of-place'. Note: I lol'ed at Swahili, because we always use that as a foreign language in French class.

have been pretty much eliminated,-- eliminate pretty, it is a colloquialism.

replaced with ‘not as wealthy communities’-- This is a style edit, but I feel it is justified. Can the name of these ghettos be a little more PC to fit the rest of the passage?

he difference is that no one watches TV, but they always eat, and they always have jobs. -- A couple of things are wrong with this. One: difference does not reference anything. Two: tense change. Three: Personally, I use a hyphen in no-one (not a necessary change).

Okay, from the above sentence and beyond, we have a major change in tense. A new paragraph will fix that with few hassles.

but they are a minority-- Number disagreement.

are being wiped out, the genetic material needed for dissent being slowly eradicated, and, soon, the world will be one, big, democratic ball of peace. -- Whoah, lots of trouble with this sentence. I'm going to ignore your stance on peace and politics etc. One: second 'being' is not parallel. Two: 'needed for dissent' makes no sense. What are you trying to get at here? If you mean that dissent and genes are related, please make it clear(er). Three: comma after soon is not needed.

Soft mutters in Arabic spoke words of comfort-- The way this is written, mutters are speaking (impossible).

The hunter has a slightly different job-- tense change.

when you snuff out-- You are talking directly to the reader. This must be consistent throughout your work. I would suggest using 'one' though. It sounds more professional.

forward, creeping in like the night-- Eliminating 'in' will make your simile sound better.

The door was no problem, the powerful man stiff-arming the doorknob’s flange out of the wall, splintering the wood around it and sending the door swinging open. -- Whoah! you have no subject in your second independent clause! Also, add a semicolon between the two clauses.

with a body entirely covered in a huge, black duster-- remove 'with' to maintain parallelism. 'Covered in'? Sounds like he is wrapped, and not distinct as a human vs. a duster. Try 'covered by', maybe.

He stepped in-- this is the second time withing two sentences you've used this phrase. Either use it once more for effect, or remove one. Sorry about this style edit, but it's a major one.

and drew out a ten-- implies that his knife is not readily drawn from where it is kept. Removing 'out' will make it sound more accessible.

holding it tightly in his gloved fist, -- Why must you make me do style edits? Anyway, I think this is a different tense. We've switched too many times, so I'm frazzled on tenses now.

, and striding towards the man in the center of the one room apartment-- again, this clause is missing a subject!

The man was standing in front of his family, a wife and two pre-teen boys, with a gun in his hand.
“Don’t move” the terrorist said. -- Okay, this is just a reader edit: who is who? I'm not sure what everyone is doing- who is doing what, and who is the terrorist?

The hunter said, in fluent-- remove comma.

He was suddenly in front of him,-- again, who is who? Too many pronouns. This whole section is kinda freaky with pronouns.

between the mans ribs, and into-- remove comma.

and then the gun fell-- tense change.

stood up, and turned to leave-- remove comma.

Lots of tense changes in this section. I'm not sure how you want to fix this, and I have no suggestions. Sorry.

his fathers chest-- make it possessive.

screaming at the top of his lungs-- This is a bromide.

fathers chest, and charged at the strangers-- remove comma.

More tense changes.

sliding harmlessly -- does not refer to the knife- it ought to.

boy finally almost lost consciousness-- Another style edit. Using both finally and almost right next to each other sounds odd.

pulled something from under the wide hat he wore, which cast an unnatural shadow on his face-- In this, the boy is wearing the hat, and the object is casting the shadow.

full of long fangs that were hidden by scaly lips-- Reader's edit: How do we know he has fangs if they are hidden?

and he left the-- remove he.

My opinion: Okay, I'll write this after I've eaten some food. The above took longer than I thought it would. EDIT: Okay, I've eaten. So here's what I think: I'm not really sure what this whole passage is about. Terrorists and a young boy? If you can clarify some pronouns, this would be easier to understand. This does not incorporate setting until a little at the end, as if it was an after thought. It's okay to not include setting, because you have focused on action and psychological setting. Some names would be good, in case you decide to skip to a point where the boy is a man, so that the reader will be able to thoughtlessly identify him. What you have written so far is not bad (it needs editing), but it does not intrigue me as a reader. This is partly because of your stance on peace and politics- don't misunderstand me here- I do not personally agree with your wording, but am glad that you have a strong opinion. Please make sure what we are reading is exactly what you believe though, because if people interpret what you've said incorrectly, feelings might be hurt. But back to why this doesn't interest me: there is no 'cliffhanger', or anything that is unresolved. Yes, we know the (presumably) Arab terrorist is a yaun-ti or something, but we have seen his entire face, and don't wonder at what he might be. Perhaps if you allude to what his face really looks like, instead of telling us bluntly and in full in the first chapter? I can't imagine any of the other elements of this chapter being turned into unresolved issues, so I'm not sure where else you could improve this except by adding more, or revising the terrorist's description etc.  

[josh the lost soul]

-cringe- I did not expect that much, lol.
I will get right on editing whatever I can. Thanks for the input.
One quiestion, though. What is a 'bromide'?

And I also didn't know that my ability to portray character was that bad...lol...The 'yuan ti' is the anti-terrorist.  

[josh the lost soul]

In the year 2138, the world has reached a level of peace that has never been seen before. The United States of America purchased all the major businesses in the world, and, at some point, each country signed its allegiance to the Great Eagle.
In reality, very few things have changed. The world was unified under one language, and, slowly, only Spanish, German, Chinese, Japanese, and English were major languages. A few small countries, now called Neo-States, have educational programs in other languages, but most people have never heard of Swahili or French, and many others.
Third world countries have been pretty much eliminated, and replaced with ‘not as wealthy communities’. They are, essentially, the same thing.
There is also no war. People live in peace and worry about nothing more than “I wonder what is taking place at work today”, or “I wonder what we are going to learn in school.”
There are still threats. The Al-Qaeda and a few branches of Communism still exist, but they are a minority. In order to keep the peace that the United States worked so hard to create, an elite group of soldiers is sent out among the people to locate and eliminate these terrorist threats.
*******
Soft mutters in Arabic were words of comfort. The hunter known as Scythe, listening through the wooden door, understood the words perfectly, and he understood the fear. It was hard to believe that the man speaking the words would, some time very soon, strap on some explosives, and detonate in front of a large school.
That was his job. The hunter's job was slightly different.
He stepped forward, creeping like the night does when one snuffs out that last candle. The door was no problem, and Scythe shoved the door so hard that the doorknob’s flange snapped out of the wall and splintered the wood around it, sending the door swinging open. He stepped in, seven feet tall and three thick, his body shrouded in a huge, black duster. He stepped in and slid a ten inch knife from its sheath inside one of the duster's many pockets. He held it tightly in his gloved fist and strode towards the man in the center of the one room apartment.
The terrorist was standing in front of his family, a wife and two pre-teen children, with a gun in his hand.
“Don’t move” the terrorist said.
“I am the angel of death. I am here to send you to meet the ones whom you swore you would serve.” Scythe said in fluent Arabic.
The bearded Arab set his feet and raised the pistol, but the hunter moved faster. The latter was suddenly in front of the former, holding the gun hand out to the side and up and, with the sound of a heated blade hissing through the night, slid the knife between the mans ribs and into his heart. There was no blood, just a sharp jerk, and then the gun fell to the floor with a resounding thunk.
He slowly lowered the body to the floor, closed the mans eye lids, and placed the murdered man’s hands over his chest. Then Scythe stood up and turned to leave, not bothering to take the knife back.
There was a strangled sob as the wife broke down beside her husband, clutching his head. The younger child, a girl, slid down next to her. The boy, however, snatched the knife from his fathers chest and charged at the strangers back, screaming with unholy vengeance, and leapedup to stab him between the shoulder blades.
Again, the hunter was lightning embodied in humanoid form, and he was holding the boy by the throat, two and a half feet off the ground. The boy could hardly breathe, but still he stabbed the man’s arm repeatedly with the knife. It tore fabric but little less, sliding harmlessly across something underneath.
When the boy almost lost consciousness, the knife clanged to the floor, and the boy followed. Standing over the child, the murderer reached up and pulled something from under the wide hat he wore, which cast an unnatural shadow on his face. When the man pulled the thin fabric of black shade away, he flashed a face of green pebbly skin and yellow eyes. Then he replaced the shadow mask, leaving the boy to shudder in fear of what he saw.
In Arabic once again, the stranger said “This is the face that will be seen by those like your father. Follow your father’s road, and you will see me once more.” He left the apartment, left the terrorist home, and made his way to the airport.

This was one of Scythe's many jobs. Soon, though, the terrorist hunter would face his greatest challenge. Defending the world from internal strife was one thing he did very well, but how well will he do against...external problems.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

A bromide is like a cliche- it's something that is overused, in everyday conversation. They are generally (almost never) used in formal writing. Four things not to do in formal writing: address the reader directly, bromides, colloquialism, and cliches. I think m-w.com has the definitions for each of them, or you can check out an NTC Dictionary of Literary Terms from the library (my best friend).

Yeah, I didn't expect that much either. One easy way to self-edit is to walk away from your piece for a while (a day or two), then go over it fresh. Reading it aloud to yourself or another is good, too. Also, if Word gives you green lines, pay attention. Word isn't always wrong.

Your character portrayal isn't bad, so much as lacking. That's not a bad thing, because we learn plenty about their personality. Also, in such a short piece it is hard to create very round characters.

here's "bromide" from m-w.com: "b: a commonplace or hackneyed statement or notion"

Anyway, keep writing regularly and you'll improve noticeably. It's all about practice. =)

EDIT: I've got dinner soon, so I'll read your edited copy afterward.
EDIT2: Sorry I didn't get to this after dinner, but I didn't have much time before I needed to go to sleep. I'm going to double-post, because I can't read your thing while typing if i'm editing a post.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

has reached a level... America purchased -- tenses don't agree.

and, at some point, each country-- remove the last two commas.

world was unified under -- Pick a tense and stick with it, at least within a paragraph.

language, and, slowly, only-- remove the last two commas.

were major languages.-- tense change, perhaps change to "the only major languages'?

have educational programs-- tense.

never heard of Swahili or French, and many others.-- I know what your pronoun is referencing, but I think it would be a plus to make it singular, and add "languages" after it.

have been pretty much eliminated--'pretty much' is a bromide. Perhaps "have nearly been eliminated"?

with ‘not as wealthy communities’.-- this is style, put I personally think something like 'less-wealthy communities' would sound more PC. Your call though.

They are, essentially, the same thing.-- remove both commas.

There is also no war-- Style again: 'Also' is optional. Change it if you feel like it.

People live in peace and worry about nothing more than “I wonder what is taking place at work today”, or “I wonder what we are going to learn in school.” -- This sounds odd to me, although I can't readily come up with a reason for it being grammatically incorrect. It might be correct, but it still sounds odd. I don't have any suggestions for this one, sorry.

but they are a minority-- 'They' is not necessary, but this is another style edit, so feel free to do what you will with it.

I need to go prepare dinner, so i'll get back to this in a bit. Uh-oh, I feel a triple-post coming on. I'll just copy and paste my third post to this one.

EDIT: Here's the rest of my editing.

worked so hard to create, an elite group of soldiers is sent out-- tense.

Soft mutters in Arabic were words of comfort.-- tense, and it still sounds kinda odd. Try "Words of comfort were muttered softly in Arabic" or something similar.

would, some time very soon,-- Okay, this is a little picky, but if you remove the qualifier it will sound much 'stronger'. Feel free to leave it as it is, though. If you do remove the qualifier, remove the first comma too. You could even reduce the whole 'some time very soon' to just 'soon', and it will denote the same thing, with a minor change in connotation.

some explosives, and detonate-- remove the comma.

out that last-- using 'that' vs. 'the' is an important distinction here, and I think your choice is good.

The door was no problem, and Scythe shoved the door-- I like this, but it will sound better with a pronoun (kinda annoying, huh? I suggest fewer pronouns, and now I say one would be better!) Anyway, the repetition of 'door' in such a close proximity sounds kinda weird. Try something with a hyphen or a colon, ex. "The door was no problem- Scythe's muscled shoulder shoved..."

out of the wall and splintered the wood around it-- Style again. Sorry, but pronouns are a high-maintenance lovers. I suggest eliminating the pronoun in this case, by using an adjective, ex "splintered the surrounding wood". The 'and' means that we already know what the subject is, so repetition is a matter of choice.

He stepped in,-- repetition of this phrase to begin a sentence. You could combine the two sentences, or change one of the beginnings.

He held it tightly-- A third 'He' to begin a sentence. Either two of them, or the middle one needs to be changed.

front of his family, a wife and two pre-teen children, with a gun-- What you have done is technically correct, although it doesn't seem finished. Perhaps
Collote can help you out with this one, as I have no suggestions. You can leave it as it is, though. This is 100% style editing.

ou would serve.” Scythe said-- Okay, I am not good with quotes and commas, and my Harbrace Handbook is at the other house. Remind me to look it up on Monday. It might be right, though. I just want to make sure.

side and up and, with the sound-- change the second 'and' to 'then'.

between the mans ribs-- change 'man' to the possessive.

closed the mans eye lids-- ditto the above. Ah, I just noticed that it rhymes. Slow on that one.

mans eye lids, and placed the murdered man’s hands-- perhaps you should define the first use of 'man' as a murdered one. The adjective on the second use is kinda awkward.

Then Scythe stood up-- I'm not sure if you can start a sentence with 'Then', and using it after the noun will sound a little better.

and leapedup to stab-- space? lol, typing quickly, were we? It's not a big deal.

hunter was lightning embodied in humanoid form-- Either remove 'embodied', or you can remove 'was' and 'in humanoid form', and place 'embodied' before lightning.

and he was holding the boy by the throat-- tense change, remove pronoun.

It tore fabric but little less,-- by 'less' do you mean 'else'?

When the boy almost lost consciousness,-- tense, and again 'almost lost consciousness' sounds weird.

wore, which cast an unnatural shadow on his face-- I would remove everything after the comma (make it a period), since you are stating the same thing more comprehensibly in the next sentence.

face of green pebbly skin and yellow eyes-- this means that his face is covered in eyes. changing 'of' to 'with' will fix this.

shudder in fear of what he saw-- Change this to a past tense, or make it agree with the rest of the paragraph.

He left the apartment, left the terrorist home-- repetition of 'left'. Remove the 'home' part.

from internal strife was one thing he did very well, but how well will he do against...external problems.-- I think I know what you are trying to say. change "internal strife" to 'subterfuge' or something similar, and 'external problems' to... I'm not sure, but external is not the right word. Is he battling his conscience? Or some larger mob or terrorist ring?

My opinion: This is much better. Tenses need to be worked with a bit more, but that's just mechanics. I like the use of the name- the whole passage is now very easy to read and understand. The cliffhanger at the end is great, and now I want to read more. Before, I had thought that Scythe was an antagonist, and that the terrorist family (the young boy, I guess) was the protagonist. Gaia's posts are mean to tabs, so I'll live with the paragraphing. Overall, you have made this much better, and now just need to work out measly grammar mistakes.  

[josh the lost soul]

In the year 2138, the world reached a level of peace that had never been seen before. The United States of America purchased all the major businesses in the world, and each country signed its allegiance to the Great Eagle.
In reality, very few things changed. The world was unified under one language, and slowly only Spanish, German, Chinese, Japanese, and English were the only major languages. A few small countries, now called Neo-States, had educational programs in other languages, but most people have never heard of Swahili or French, and many other languages.
Third world countries have nearly been eliminated, and replaced with ‘not as wealthy communities’. They are essentially the same thing.
There is no war. People live in peace and worry about nothing more than work or school.
There are still threats. The Al-Qaeda and a few branches of Communism still exist, but are a minority. In order to keep the peace that the United States worked so hard to create, an elite group of soldiers was often sent out among the people to locate and eliminate these terrorist threats. Group, though, is a term used loosely. It is not always an army sent out. Sometimes, just one person is needed.
*******
Words of comfort were muttered softly in Arabic. The hunter known as Scythe, listening through the wooden door, understood the words perfectly, and he understood the fear. It was hard to believe that the man speaking the words would soon strap on some explosives and detonate in front of a large school.
That was his job. The hunter's job was slightly different.
He stepped forward, creeping like the night does when one snuffs out that last candle. The door was no problem, and Scythe shoved the feeble barrier so hard that the doorknob’s flange snapped out of the wall and splintered the surrounding wood, sending the door swinging open.
He stepped in, seven feet tall and three thick, his body shrouded in a huge, black duster. The figure slid a ten inch knife from its sheath inside one of the duster's many pockets, and he held it tightly in his gloved fist as he strode towards the man in the center of the one room apartment.
The terrorist was standing in front of his family, a wife and two pre-teen children, with a gun in his hand. The weapon shook slightly as he pointed it at Scythe.
“Don’t move” the terrorist said.
“I am the angel of death. I am here to send you to meet the ones whom you swore you would serve.” Scythe said in fluent Arabic.
The bearded Arab set his feet and raised the pistol, but the hunter moved faster. The latter was suddenly in front of the former, holding the gun hand out to the side and up, then with the sound of a heated blade hissing through the night, slid the knife between the mans ribs and into his heart. There was no blood, just a sharp jerk, and then the gun fell to the floor with a resounding thunk.
He slowly lowered the body to the floor, closed the murdered man's eye lids, and placed his hands over his chest. Scythe stood up and turned to leave, not bothering to take the knife back.
There was a strangled sob as the wife broke down beside her husband, clutching his head. The younger child, a girl, slid down next to her. The boy, however, snatched the knife from his fathers chest and charged at the strangers back, screaming with unholy vengeance, and leaped up to stab him between the shoulder blades.
Again, the hunter was lightning in humanoid form, and he held the boy by the throat, two and a half feet off the ground. The boy could hardly breathe, but still he stabbed the man’s arm repeatedly with the knife. It tore fabric but little else, sliding harmlessly across something underneath.
When the boy was near unconsciousness the knife clanged to the floor, and the boy followed. Standing over the child, the murderer reached up and pulled something from under the wide hat he wore. When the man pulled the thin fabric of black shade away, he flashed a face of green pebbly skin with yellow eyes and long fangs. Then he replaced the shadow mask, leaving the boy shuddering in fear.
In Arabic once again, the stranger said “This is the face that will be seen by those like your father. Follow your father’s road, and you will see me once more.” He left the apartment, left the terrorist home, and made his way to the airport.

This was one of Scythe's many jobs. Soon, though, the terrorist hunter would face his greatest challenge. Defending the world from it's internal strife, the terrorists and other threats to peace, was one thing he did very well, but how well will he do against...extraterrestrial problems.
***
Okay. Thank you very much for all your help. "External problems" was referring to aliens, "internal strife" to the terrorists.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Points for improvement! I'm pleased that you care about your work, and really do want to make it better. I'm glad to help =). This is looking much better, but I'll continue to give you some (minor) edits.

only Spanish, German, Chinese, Japanese, and English were the only major-- repetition of 'only'. I suggest removing the first one, although either would be fine.

Everything until the stars looks good tense-wise, although I hope that on word there are tabs where I see 'new' lines. Gaia just doesn't like Word's formatting, and even if you see tabs when you are typing the post, they won't show up- Gaia only recognizes new lines. Don't bother reformatting for Gaia, though.

door, understood the words perfectly, and he understood the fear-- Repetition of understood is fine here, because it serves to increase the emotional impact. Removing the pronoun will give you a parallel structure, which will sound better.

pockets, and he held it tightly in his gloved fist-- The first pronoun isn't necessary. I hope that previously I didn't suggest putting it in there- that would be kind of embarrassing.

the mans ribs and-- needs to be possessive.

his fathers chest and charged-- ditto.

charged at the strangers back-- ditto.

back, screaming with unholy vengeance, and leaped up to stab him between the shoulder blades. -- This will sound better if you move the 'and' to before 'screaming'.

He left the apartment, left the terrorist home-- By home do you mean that the whole apartment complex was refuge to terrorists? If so, make it a plural possessive terrorist: "terrorists' home". I'm not quite sure what you are trying to say here if not that.

Defending the world from it's-- This possessive form should have no apostrophe.

Ahh, I now see what you meant by 'external' problems. Okay, that is much clearer.

My opinion: Yes! This is much easier and more enjoyable to read- each edit has been better than the previous one. I am interested in where this will go (No, I'm not bored of it after so much critical reading). The above edits will take about five minutes to make, and afterward this will be as finished as I would personally make it. There are always edits to make, but eventually you need to be pleased with your work the way it is. If you do feel like we could do more editing, I'm fine with that, although I have this feeling that you are about finished with this. Sorry if all this work has frustrated you, but instead of being frustrated, you ought to be pleased with your piece. I anticipate a second chapter, and will enjoy reading it. Don't hesitate to ask for suggestions. Most of the other members of this guild will give a more emotional than critical review of your work, so be aware that not everyone will force you to make it better ;P. Ask away if you want/need suggestions/reviews about anything. I'm always glad to help out.

EDIT: I'm glad that you have posted each edit as a new post, as it is satisfying to read the old editions and track the changes. I noticed that you took out your stance on politics- don't let another's opinion change or be your own. Strength is in believing in what you think is right. But, don't forget to listen to the reason of others. Everyone is misguided occasionally. Just be sure that what someone else suggests is acceptable to your morals, and does not supplant them.

EDIT2: Okay, I'm at my computer desk at my other house, and I have my Harbrace handy, so I'll look up the rules on quotation marks and commas. *seven minutes later* Okay, it looks like you do need a comma. Now let me go back and see if you still have something in quotation marks, lol.

EDIT3: Yes, you need a comma inside quotation marks in two places.

“Don’t move” the terrorist said.-- after move.

swore you would serve.” Scythe said in fluent Arabic. -- after serve, replace the period with a comma.  

[josh the lost soul]

FINAL EDIT

In the year 2138, the world reached a level of peace that had never been seen before. The United States of America purchased all the major businesses in the world, and each country signed its allegiance to the Great Eagle.
In reality, very few things changed. The world was unified under one language, and slowly only Spanish, German, Chinese, Japanese, and English were the major languages. A few small countries, now called Neo-States, had educational programs in other languages, but most people have never heard of Swahili or French, and many other languages.
Third world countries have nearly been eliminated, and replaced with ‘not as wealthy communities’. They are essentially the same thing.
There is no war. People live in peace and worry about nothing more than work or school.
There are still threats. The Al-Qaeda and a few branches of Communism still exist, but are a minority. In order to keep the peace that the United States worked so hard to create, an elite group of soldiers was often sent out among the people to locate and eliminate these terrorist threats. Group, though, is a term used loosely. It is not always an army sent out. Sometimes, just one person is needed.
*******
Words of comfort were muttered softly in Arabic. The hunter known as Scythe, listening through the wooden door, understood the words perfectly, and understood the fear. It was hard to believe that the man speaking the words would soon strap on some explosives and detonate in front of a large school.
That was his job. The hunter's job was slightly different.
He stepped forward, creeping like the night does when one snuffs out that last candle. The door was no problem, and Scythe shoved the feeble barrier so hard that the doorknob’s flange snapped out of the wall and splintered the surrounding wood, sending the door swinging open.
He stepped in, seven feet tall and three thick, his body shrouded in a huge, black duster. The figure slid a ten inch knife from its sheath inside one of the duster's many pockets, held it tightly in his gloved fist, and strode towards the man in the center of the one room apartment.
The terrorist was standing in front of his family, a wife and two pre-teen children, with a gun in his hand. The weapon shook slightly as he pointed it at Scythe.
“Don’t move,” the terrorist said.
“I am the angel of death. I am here to send you to meet the ones whom you swore you would serve,” Scythe said in fluent Arabic.
The bearded Arab set his feet and raised the pistol, but the hunter moved faster. The latter was suddenly in front of the former, holding the gun hand out to the side and up, then with the sound of a heated blade hissing through the night, slid the knife between the man's ribs and into his heart. There was no blood, just a sharp jerk, and then the gun fell to the floor with a resounding thunk.
He slowly lowered the body to the floor, closed the murdered man's eye lids, and placed his hands over his chest. Scythe stood up and turned to leave, not bothering to take the knife back.
There was a strangled sob as the wife broke down beside her husband, clutching his head. The younger child, a girl, slid down next to her. The boy, however, snatched the knife from his father's chest and charged at the stranger's back, screaming with unholy vengeance, and leaped up to stab him between the shoulder blades.
Again, the hunter was lightning in humanoid form, and he held the boy by the throat, two and a half feet off the ground. The boy could hardly breathe, but still he stabbed the man’s arm repeatedly with the knife. It tore fabric but little else, sliding harmlessly across something underneath.
When the boy was near unconsciousness the knife clanged to the floor, and the boy followed. Standing over the child, the murderer reached up and pulled something from under the wide hat he wore. When the man pulled the thin fabric of black shade away, he flashed a face of green pebbly skin with yellow eyes and long fangs. Then he replaced the shadow mask, leaving the boy shuddering in fear.
In Arabic once again, the stranger said “This is the face that will be seen by those like your father. Follow your father’s road, and you will see me once more.” He left the small apartment, left that particular terrorist's home, and made his way to the airport.

This was one of Scythe's many jobs. Soon, though, the terrorist hunter would face his greatest challenge. Defending the world from its internal strife, the terrorists and other threats to peace, was one thing he did very well, but how well will he do against...extraterrestrial problems.
***
Thanks again.
On the politics thing, I just put that in there to be dramatic, and I took it out because, when you brought it up, it made me sound cynical. I didn't want that.
I will get started on the next chapter, right away!  

[Priestess of Neptune]

No problem. Don't worry about sounding (or being) cynical. You are not alone in that. Lol, the quotes I use in my signature are evidence enough of such. Anyway, I'm glad you are so enthusiastic about writing another chapter. You might have just inspired me to continue working on my short story... after I'm done studying French. *is suddenly sad* Well, it shouldn't take more than a few hours finish studying. I don't know if I will post my story here; It's not exactly going to be interesting to anyone other than myself. Plus I'm not even done typing what I do have done so far... But enough about me. Post your next chapter whenever (by 'whenever' I mean 'soon'... there is never anyone on in this guild!), and I'll edit it or give you 'feedback' if you so desire.  

[josh the lost soul]

Hee hee. I like that quote, btw.
Its almost as awesome as "Catbot cannot fly!?" from Beast Wars. -nod-  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Thank you. I have a slew of fun quotes on my profile page =).

EDIT: I added some more.

EDIT2: I will be gone from now (Thursday) until the 25th.  

[josh the lost soul]

Chapter Two
In the quiet darkness, Scythe sits. He is not the same Scythe he was before, for the shoulder pads and tall boots that had made him seem a giant were gone. Now he was a six foot, skinny beast.
He strokes his arm. His fingers run across the rough, pebbly skin on his forearm, the claws on the tips of his fingers leaving behind white lines of minor annoyance. Then the hand moved upward, stroking the thick scales on his shoulder and biceps, eliciting an eerie screech that could hardly be heard, but heard nonetheless, reminding the reptilian humanoid of his inhuman persona.
Slowly, though, the screech lulls him to sleep, and the rhythmic slide of his tail as it wagged across the ground, which extended an additional three feet from the base of his spine, just above the elastic band that held his boxers to his scaly form, reminds him of simpler times. He leaned forward, moving from a cross-legged position to a push-up position in one fluid movement. Then he lay down, resting his substantial bulk on the cold ground and falling away into memories of his life before the Global Defence Agency, and their damned experiments.

There was a small boy, leaning against his mother, his eyes closing slowly as she watches television. A shadow looms over the two, and dark hands reach over the back of the couch. The hands grab the boy, lifting him into the air, and the fingers of the man’s hands drive against the child’s ribs, tickling him and sending him into a fit of giggling and frantic writhing.
The boy’s mother smiled and leaned away, so she didn’t get caught in the child’s thrashing, and smiled adoringly at her husband. The tall man was built long and skinny, with little visible muscle. He had it where it counts, though: with his hands he crafted clay, and with his heart he loved his family.

With an angry snarl, Scythe rears back and slams his fists into the stone floor beneath him, leaving a spider web of cracks across the concrete. The memories weren’t buried deep enough. He needed a drink.

The reptilian man stood up and went to the large trunk against the south wall, opened it, and pulled out his clothes. He wore his baggy jeans and the white t-shirt with the GDA logo on it. He also pulled out his steel-toed, steel-soled boots, and slipped those on, pulling the jeans over the tops. Next was the long, dark brown jacket, which reached to about mid thigh, and the wide hat. The hat had a device fitted to the brim that hid his face behind a field of cloaking, and could be set to either Deep Shadow or Face. He set it to face, and the image that stared out beneath the brim was of a random human male face, with un-outstanding features that anyone’s eyes would just roll over, and a face that would not be recognized. On last went the gloves, fingerless and elbow length, and then a second set, which were full and fingered, to hide his clawed hands. He hid his tail down one of his pant-legs, and then put on a large backpack, full of textbooks with weapons hidden in them. Draping down from the back of the pack was another field of concealment, hiding the bulge that was where his tail met his spine.
His room is mid-sized. Solid stone. A thick door of steel locks on the outside, and no windows to speak of. Scythe walked to the large door, pounded once, paused, and then again. There was a soft click as a computer unlocked the door, and it swung open silently. He stepped out, and was in the “basement” of the hidden GDA facility.
He made his way down a corridor of rock and corrugated metal pipe, until he reached an elevator door. He pressed the call button, which only went up, and waited patiently.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

I don't have time to edit/read this right now- I have to do my homework and college apps. I think I'll have time tomorrow. Sorry about the wait.

EDIT:Okay, I have some time before I'm required to go anywhere, so I'll do this now.

skin on his forearm-- you have already used 'arm' in the sentence prior to this one, so changing 'forearm' will sound less repetitious.

Then the hand moved-- You used 'his fingers' before this- I suggest making it 'his hand', or changing 'his fingers' to just 'fingers'.

that could hardly be heard-- I like the alliteration, but this phrasing is awkward- try describing it in another way, like 'at the threshold of audible sound' or something.

humanoid of his inhuman persona-- 'persona' is how he carries himself, or his personality. Is that what you are really trying to say here?

Slowly, though, the screech-- this will sound stronger without the 'though'.

tail as it wagged across the ground,-- needs to be in present tense.

He leaned forward, moving from a cross-legged position to a push-up position in one fluid movement. Then he lay down-- These both need to be in present tense.

resting his substantial bulk on the cold ground and falling away into memories-- add a comma after ground, and remove the 'and', otherwise your verb doesn't make sense.

There was a small boy, leaning against his mother, his eyes closing slowly as she watches television-- This sounds awkward. I suggest changing the POV, while changing the tense at the same time: remove 'There was', and change 'leaning' to the present tense. Also, 'slowly' sounds 'out of place'- perhaps there is a different word you might consider trying in its place?

The hands grab the boy, lifting him into the air,-- Ah, where have we seen this before? I recall Scythe doing the same thing in the first chapter! No, don't change it. I just got a kick out of the parallel. And no, that does not say anything about how I have fun or my personality.

into the air, and the fingers-- the 'and' is unnecessary.

The boy’s mother smiled and leaned away, so she didn’t get caught in the child’s thrashing, and smiled adoringly-- Needs to be in present tense.

tall man was built long and skinny-- Sorry, but I have a problem with 'long'. You could leave it as it is, but I would prefer something like 'lanky', which would also give you a nice assonance.

He had it where it counts,-- This is a colloquialism, plus it sounds awkward. I have no suggestions on how to change it, though.

Last paragraph: what tense do you want to use for this? The first sentence isn't in present, although the next one is.

also pulled out-- you used 'pulled out' in the sentence before this.

his steel-toed, steel-soled boots-- This isn't necessary, but you could change this to 'steel-toed and -soled' to make it more succinct, although the choice is yours.

which reached to about mid thigh-- You might want to consider your diction of 'reached'.

he hat had a device fitted to the brim that hid his face behind a field of cloaking, and could be set to either Deep Shadow or Face.-- There is nothing wrong this grammatically, but I don't think you should inform the reader in this blunt manner. Leave it as it is, or not.

either Deep Shadow or Face. He set it to face, -- you need single quotation marks around the name of each setting.

random human male face,-- omit 'face'.

with un-outstanding features that anyone’s eyes would just-- un-outstanding? Perhaps 'nondescript', or something not requiring a hyphen?

eyes would just roll over-- This is 'okay', but it comes close to being a bromide. Consider changing it.

On last went the gloves, fingerless and elbow length, and then a second set-- continuity error.

which were full and fingered, to hide his clawed hands-- the comma is optional.

He hid his tail down one of his pant-legs-- three pronouns is a little excessive. removing the one directly before 'pant-legs' will be easiest.

full of textbooks with weapons hidden-- I'm not sure if this is currently grammatically correct or not. Consider using 'filled with'.

Draping down from the back-- 'down' is redundant.

hiding the bulge that was where his tail met his spine. -- the bulge is the tail, not the spot- remove 'that was'.

His room is mid-sized. Solid stone. A thick door...-- everything from here to the end might sound better at the beginning of the passage, so that the reader knows where Scythe is while he is daydreaming, not as he is leaving.  

[josh the lost soul]

Chapter Two
His room is mid-sized. Solid stone. A thick door of steel locks on the outside, and no windows to speak of.

In the quiet darkness, Scythe sits. He is not the same Scythe he was before, for the shoulder pads and tall boots that had made him seem a giant were gone. Now he was a six foot, skinny beast.

He strokes his arm. His fingers run across the rough, pebbly skin on his limb, the claws leaving behind white lines of minor annoyance. Then the hand moved upward, stroking the thick scales on his shoulder and biceps, eliciting an eerie screech that was barely perceptible to even Scythe's incredible hearing, and reminded the reptilian humanoid of his inhuman form.

Slowly, the screech lulls him to sleep, and the rhythmic slide of his tail as it wags across the ground, which extended an additional three feet from the base of his spine, just above the elastic band that held his boxers to his scaly form, reminds him of simpler times. He leans forward, moving from a cross-legged position to a push-up position in one fluid movement. Then he lays down, resting his substantial bulk on the cold ground, and fell away into memories of his life before the Global Defence Agency, and their damned experiments.

A small boy, leans against his mother, his eyes closing slowly as she watches television. A shadow looms over the two, and dark hands reach over the back of the couch. The hands grab the boy, lifting him into the air. The fingers of the man’s hands drive against the child’s ribs, tickling him and sending him into a fit of giggling and frantic writhing.

The boy’s mother smiled and leaned away, so she didn’t get caught in the child’s thrashing, and smiled adoringly at her husband. The tall man was built stretched and skinny, with little visible muscle. He was a strong man, though, and with his hands he crafted clay, and with his heart he loved his family...

With an angry snarl, Scythe rears back and slams his fists into the stone floor beneath him, leaving a spider web of cracks across the concrete. The memories weren’t buried deep enough. He needed a drink.

The reptilian man stood up and went to the large trunk against the south wall, opened it, and pulled out his clothes. He wore his baggy jeans and the white t-shirt with the GDA logo on it. He also pulled out his steel-toed and -soled boots, and slipped those on, pulling the jeans over the tops. Next was the long, dark brown jacket, which reached to about mid thigh, and the wide hat. The moment the hat touched his head, the image that stared out beneath the brim changed, and was of a random human male, with un-outstanding features that anyone’s eyes ignore, and a face that would not be recognized. The outfit almost complete, on went the gloves, fingerless and elbow length, and then a second set, which were full and fingered, to hide his clawed hands. He hid his tail down one pant-legs, and then put on a large backpack, full of textbooks filled with weapons hidden in them. Draping from the back of the pack was another field of concealment, hiding the bulge where his tail met his spine.

Scythe walked to the large door, pounded once, paused, and then again. There was a soft click as a computer unlocked the door, and it swung open silently. He stepped out, and was in the “basement” of the hidden GDA facility.

He made his way down a corridor of rock and corrugated metal pipe, until he reached an elevator door. He pressed the call button, which only went up, and waited patiently.