mercora's dark thoughts (writing)

[Mercora2]

this is where ill post my writing, so feel free 2 leave comments, judgements, or whatever...
first of all i wont post stuff unless i believe it to be real to me, or something that holds great personal truth for me  

[Mercora2]

ATTENTION!!! Stand up if you know this feeling!!! the feeling of utter desolation! the feeling of something wrong! the feeling that something is there, just out of sight, always out of sight! the feeling that everything you love is tumbling to the ground!!! everything that you worked so hard to build... shattered before your eyes!!! hehehe i know a secret, and im not telling... LOOK, there goes my world!!! desecrated, violated, destroyed!!! hahehe i dont know what to do... but i love this feeling of helplessness... for once, all of my control is gone!!! im vulnerable, AND IT'S GLORIOUS!!! hehehehe, ring around the rosie, pocket full of posies, ashes ashes we all fall down... everything is dead now... its all wasting away... ~everything is wasting, everything is dying, look out here it come, my world falls down~ hahaha isn't it great!??! look at what im becoming, and REJOICE in the fact that you helped make me this way!!! i'm utterly, completely insane now!!! and i've never been happier!!!  

[Lazerwuf]

damn close man, damn close!  

[Mercora2]

Mr. Beaver

damn close man, damn close!

... i dont know what you mean by that... >.<  

[Lazerwuf]

Lol close to home. That's where it hits. :p In other words i feel you man.  

[Mercora2]

ooohhhh... ok then ^_^
i think everybody feels like that sometimes
well im gonna upload a bunch of stuff in a short amount of time (i hadnt felt like posting it yet) so... yeah ^_^  

[Mercora2]

pain...

nobody on this miserable planet has the right, or the foresight, to say "I'll be fine"
it is the eternal cycle of pain that seems to be the baseline for my existence: every time something good happens, that makes me even remotely happy, it is taken, smashed, destroyed... in the end it seems that only sadness comes out of happiness, and that the brighter the light is, the darker the shadow it casts. i am the one who made the decision to bring about the pain this time... because i have to be strong about what's right...  

[Mercora2]

right and wrong...

sometimes what your heart believes to be right is contradicted by your mind...
sometime what your brain says is right is contradicted by your heart...
i believe (through experiance) that the mind and heart are not denying one another, but really working together to let you know what you want, and whether it would hurt that thing... i can't listen to my heart this time... i couldnt bear to see the two i cherish sad or angry... i know i should stay away for a while... but my heart is overpowering my will... i love them both with every thing i have... all that i have to give, i would give to them... i just think... it might be... hurting them.... and i would rather die than see them hurt...  

[Mercora2]

love?

what is this mysterious phenomenon that humanity has granted the title of "love" ?
how is it that is able to caress like a feather and cut like a sword?
why are kingdoms built, and nations destroyed because of it?
when did this corruption enter the line of our species, thus beginning the end of sanity?
it is elusive, it is abundant, it is an enigma, a quickening that occurs at the edge of our minds, reaching deep inside our souls to what lies inside.
it corrupts, yet it is pure. it destroys even as it builds. it is pure ecstasy wrapped in barbed wire, a poison inside a cake. it is all of these things and more... it is the knowledge that you would gladly die for somebody, and the hope that they would chose to live if the roles were reversed. it is assimilation, the joining of two minds, souls, hearts. there are not enough words in existence to describe it, yet here i am, unworthy and confused, trying to summarize it in a paragraph.
I must be insane for feeling as i do.
... and i wouldn't want it any other way...  

[Mercora2]

worse than pain...

i have finally done it... i've found something worse than the constant pain that i've been feeling for the longest time now... there is a... gaping... swallowing chasm where my heart used to be... i feel so... empty now... so lost... so alone and confused... that i'm wandering the darkness of my own mind, merely asking the question over and over again... "why... WHY...?"
nobody ever answers...
nobody ever cares...
i have been left here... by myself... to wander these vacant hallways of my spirit... ever searching for an answer...
ever searching for whats left of my heart...
i can feel it somewhere... sending its metronome of pain to echo in the abyss...
but i fear that i am the only one who notices the melancholy sound it makes... so pure, yet so sad as it is... it is the sound of anguish... the sound of everything i love slowly drifting away from me...
...
but nobody notices...
...
so until somebody else senses the pain... the... emptiness that i'm feeling on the inside...
i'll once again put on this mask that i wear for the world... so they can't see whats inside...
to keep them away...
so they cant judge...
so they won't worry about me...
so they won't know anything is wrong
so i don't have a chance to hurt them...
so they don't have a chance to hurt the REAL me...  

[Mercora2]

this is
the start
of a
revolution. follow me
if you dare, because it
gets more and more difficult as we
travel down this beaten path towards
god only knows what, it could be freedom,
it could be salvation, or it could be annihilation...
only time will tell... as we travel, alone and determined, to
find out what lies at the end of this road we walk, to find the light
at the edge of the horizon, ever intangible, ever inreachable... yet we still
march ever onwards towards it, determined to show the world what we are made of. we
may succeed, we may not, all that matters is that we give it our all... scorn us if you
must, stop us if you can, join us if you think you can handle the strain of taking on the universe
you may find that you have what it takes, you mind find that you will break, it matters not. as long as
you have aided us in our quest towards victory, you will not be left behind, you will not be shunned and cast aside
like a broken tool, we still have our values; you will be honored, reverered, glorified to reflect the sacrifices you have made for our cause,
for we may be the outcasts, the silent ones you thought you would never hear from... we may be the losers, the shunned, the broken... but above all of that... WE HAVE SOMETHING TO FIGHT FOR!!!

 

[Mercora2]

If I say I’m happy, would it be enough for you?
To think that I am alright, after all that we’ve been through?
Can’t you see how I feel, whenever I hear your name?
I must look away, as my face burns with shame.
I must not feel this way, musn’t think about you and me.
You belong to another, so it isn’t meant to be…
Even though it pains me, I will still watch over you.
Even though I’ll be alone, it’s worth it through and through.
To see a smile on your face, makes everything ok.
To hear the happiness in your voice, keeps my thinking sane.
But even though I’m grateful, to be here guarding you,
It seems to distance me, from what I want to do…
My chest has to be completely silent in order for me to be embraced.
My heart has stopped beating, it is trying to escape.
My soul has grown dark, from needs you cannot give.
I will continue searching, until I repay my sins.
For one day I will die, and I ask you to shed no tears.
Because it will mean that I am done looking, after so many years…