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Posted: Wed Feb 03, 2010 9:47 pm
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Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 8:50 am
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Posted: Thu Mar 18, 2010 3:49 am
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Posted: Thu Apr 29, 2010 3:33 am
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Posted: Sat May 01, 2010 4:25 am
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I dunno if you wanted critique or not, but I figured I'd post it anyways, just in case. If you don't wanna hear it, I can just delete it.
Critique Pacing. I can't emphasize it enough. Anxiety seems to be the dominating emotion of the passage, but your current writing style isn't communicating this as effectively as it could. You use a lot of longer sentences, with about average vocabulary. This doesn't really compliment the mood.
The story is written in first person, so you need to consider the character's emotional state. If you're in a panic, you're not going to be able put together longer, coherent statements, and think of fancy vocabulary words. No, you're going to be disorganised, with your thoughts broken into fragments. It's also not uncommon to hyperfocus on details. You know how it goes, tunnel vision and all of that. Write through the eyes of the character.
For first person perspective, the writing is a bit too detached. You often describe the characters feelings explicitly to the audience, rather than illustrating them within the scene. : "The realization that I can no longer move my fingers joins the panic..." and "...but I hadn’t noticed I was confusing it with the anxiety of my death." are both good examples of this. The character is telling us how they're feeling, and it breaks the focus of the story.
Also, spelling and grammar. Spellcheck is not enough. You gotta do it manually, or get someone else to proofread it for you.
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Posted: Sat May 01, 2010 5:35 am
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Something tells me Rock writes >w>
Rock_hard_yo I dunno if you wanted critique or not, but I figured I'd post it anyways, just in case. If you don't wanna hear it, I can just delete it.
Critique Pacing. I can't emphasize it enough. Anxiety seems to be the dominating emotion of the passage, but your current writing style isn't communicating this as effectively as it could. You use a lot of longer sentences, with about average vocabulary. This doesn't really compliment the mood.
The story is written in first person, so you need to consider the character's emotional state. If you're in a panic, you're not going to be able put together longer, coherent statements, and think of fancy vocabulary words. No, you're going to be disorganised, with your thoughts broken into fragments. It's also not uncommon to hyperfocus on details. You know how it goes, tunnel vision and all of that. Write through the eyes of the character.
For first person perspective, the writing is a bit too detached. You often describe the characters feelings explicitly to the audience, rather than illustrating them within the scene. : "The realization that I can no longer move my fingers joins the panic..." and "...but I hadn’t noticed I was confusing it with the anxiety of my death." are both good examples of this. The character is telling us how they're feeling, and it breaks the focus of the story.
Also, spelling and grammar. Spellcheck is not enough. You gotta do it manually, or get someone else to proofread it for you.
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