"closure" a poem by me, critique?

[Rainbow x Toxic]

She's falling, but she's falling on purpose
The point is gone
Her life is worthless
Without a second doubt
She turns away
No one will ever know
What she chose to not say

Alone at last, left with what she's running from
She cries into the mirror
As she thinks "What have I become?"
She can't stand the sight of herself; she's ashamed
Her happiness is gone
Her sadness can't be tamed

The lies, the heartbreak
It made it's way around
She's looking for some closure
Or a place with solid ground
Body on the floor
Or back against the wall
For one to be so young
She seems to have seen it all

Tragedy fills the air
For what they could not save
They slowly act like they all care
Then go on with their day
But she will always be here
Simple blood on the ground
Looking for someone to help her
Because she has yet to be found  

[Lusitana]

♩♪♫ 𝔪𝔲𝔰𝔦𝔠 𝔱𝔬 𝔪𝔶 𝔢𝔞𝔯𝔰 ♫♪♩

i like the way you write.
what was your inspiration for this poem?  

[Rainbow x Toxic]

Thank you :3
my inspiration for this was how so many teenagers are depressed and unhappy, but no one takes them seriously because people think they're either doing it for attention or because it's just a stage. And while this can be true there are also teens who have real problems going on in their life.
It's also in memory of any teens who have ever killed themselves.  

[Scarlet_Teardrops]

"What she chose to not say"

It will sound better if you write it like this:

"What she chose not to say"

When you write "alone at last, left with what she's running from she cries into the mirror", you need another comma.

The reason is because you are putting in an additional thought. The normal sentence reads "alone at last she cries into the mirror". Because you've added another thought, that is, "left with what she's running from", you must add another comma. Put it after "from". It should read:

"Alone at last, left with what she's running from, she cries in the mirror"

Let me rewrite this portion of the poem for you in a prose format.

"Alone at last, left with what she's running from, she cries in the mirror as she thinks 'what have I become?'"

What if you changed "as" to "and"?

"Alone at last, left with what she's running from, she cries in the mirror, and she thinks 'what have I become?'"

Do you like that? It looks and sounds better.

Some of the other problems in this poem lie with the fact that you are using punctuation...but you aren't using it completely. If you use a question mark, commas, semi-colons, or any other form of punctuation, your poem must follow the proper rules of punctuation.

So you need periods.

Look what happens when you write it out in prose format.

"She can't stand the sight of herself; she's ashamed her happiness is gone her sadness can't be tamed"

A line break does not equal a period or a comma. You have to put those in yourself.

It should read this way for it to be correct:

"She can't stand the sight of herself. She's ashamed. Her happiness is gone; her sadness can't be tamed." You can choose to put in a period instead of a semi-colon if you'd like, since the sentences are both complete thoughts.

Also, because your poem has a rhyme scheme, it has to have meter, and therefore beats. In other words, you have to measure the syllables. This will help your poem to flow more properly.

Consider this:

"She's falling, but she's falling on purpose
The point is gone
Her life is worthless"

Now, here's what it looks like in meter format.

She's fall-ing, but she's fall-ing on pur-pose
The point is gone
Her life is worth-less

The first line is ten syllables, or beats.
The second is four.
The third is five.

For this to flow properly, you need to either make the third line have ten syllables, or the first line have five. Or you have to change the structure of these three lines completely, possibly making them four lines, or cutting words out/rephrasing the lines.

Consider writing it something like this:

"She's falling;
Falling on purpose.
The point is gone.
Her life is worthless."

See what changing the structure has done? It has caused the poem to flow better. You have changed the structure and cut out some excessive words, which makes the presentation and flow of the poem nicer and smoother. You want your poem to flow well if it rhymes.

This is a good poem. It is powerful and sad. And I know where she's coming from, too.

I hope these critiques have helped you. If you want me to critique your entire poem, I would be more than happy to do that for you. ^_^

Keep writing! You have talent! heart
 

[Rainbow x Toxic]

Scarlet_Teardrops

"What she chose to not say"

It will sound better if you write it like this:

"What she chose not to say"

When you write "alone at last, left with what she's running from she cries into the mirror", you need another comma.

The reason is because you are putting in an additional thought. The normal sentence reads "alone at last she cries into the mirror". Because you've added another thought, that is, "left with what she's running from", you must add another comma. Put it after "from". It should read:

"Alone at last, left with what she's running from, she cries in the mirror"

Let me rewrite this portion of the poem for you in a prose format.

"Alone at last, left with what she's running from, she cries in the mirror as she thinks 'what have I become?'"

What if you changed "as" to "and"?

"Alone at last, left with what she's running from, she cries in the mirror, and she thinks 'what have I become?'"

Do you like that? It looks and sounds better.

Some of the other problems in this poem lie with the fact that you are using punctuation...but you aren't using it completely. If you use a question mark, commas, semi-colons, or any other form of punctuation, your poem must follow the proper rules of punctuation.

So you need periods.

Look what happens when you write it out in prose format.

"She can't stand the sight of herself; she's ashamed her happiness is gone her sadness can't be tamed"

A line break does not equal a period or a comma. You have to put those in yourself.

It should read this way for it to be correct:

"She can't stand the sight of herself. She's ashamed. Her happiness is gone; her sadness can't be tamed." You can choose to put in a period instead of a semi-colon if you'd like, since the sentences are both complete thoughts.

Also, because your poem has a rhyme scheme, it has to have meter, and therefore beats. In other words, you have to measure the syllables. This will help your poem to flow more properly.

Consider this:

"She's falling, but she's falling on purpose
The point is gone
Her life is worthless"

Now, here's what it looks like in meter format.

She's fall-ing, but she's fall-ing on pur-pose
The point is gone
Her life is worth-less

The first line is ten syllables, or beats.
The second is four.
The third is five.

For this to flow properly, you need to either make the third line have ten syllables, or the first line have five. Or you have to change the structure of these three lines completely, possibly making them four lines, or cutting words out/rephrasing the lines.

Consider writing it something like this:

"She's falling;
Falling on purpose.
The point is gone.
Her life is worthless."

See what changing the structure has done? It has caused the poem to flow better. You have changed the structure and cut out some excessive words, which makes the presentation and flow of the poem nicer and smoother. You want your poem to flow well if it rhymes.

This is a good poem. It is powerful and sad. And I know where she's coming from, too.

I hope these critiques have helped you. If you want me to critique your entire poem, I would be more than happy to do that for you. ^_^

Keep writing! You have talent! heart

blaugh Thank you so much, this is really helpful!
And, please, do critique the entire thing. heart  

[SlTVM]

I like the poem.
Its a meaningful, powerful one.
Sorry, but I can't critique. I'm not very big on poetry.
Still, I like your work.  

[Rainbow x Toxic]

RighteousMan117

I like the poem.
Its a meaningful, powerful one.
Sorry, but I can't critique. I'm not very big on poetry.
Still, I like your work.

thats okay thank you!  

[squeakygirl]

I thought it was really good. I cannot critique though. I never follow the rules when writing poetry.  

[Lusitana]

Rainbow x Toxic

Thank you :3
my inspiration for this was how so many teenagers are depressed and unhappy, but no one takes them seriously because people think they're either doing it for attention or because it's just a stage. And while this can be true there are also teens who have real problems going on in their life.
It's also in memory of any teens who have ever killed themselves.

♩♪♫ 𝔪𝔲𝔰𝔦𝔠 𝔱𝔬 𝔪𝔶 𝔢𝔞𝔯𝔰 ♫♪♩

i knew some... one of those was a twin. her twin sister is still alive, they were so close - poor girl, the one who's still alive. :S
and indeed, sometimes is worse than it looks like for some teens.
it's a strong inspiration!  

[Scarlet_Teardrops]

I'm glad my knowledge of writing can be put to use in service! ^_^

I don't have time to critique the whole thing right now, but when I get the chance I will! heart
 

[Hyper Nerds Eat Cookies]

It was really wonderful if you ask me.
You had great inspiration, and made a great poem to express it.
Everyone has their different styles of writing poetry, and yours is really beautiful.
(I'm not the best person to critique, but I'm pretty dang good at encouraging people!)  

[Rainbow x Toxic]

Thank you guys, you're amazing! :3 heart  

[Scarlet_Teardrops]

All right. It's time for that second critique!

As you know from my first critique post, for rhyming poetry to flow properly it needs to be in meter (i.e. syllables). You will need to rearrange the words and/or lines in your poem to make them flow.

And you also remember the punctuation comments I made.

In the second line of the third stanza, it reads "it made it's way around".

"It's" is a contraction of the words "it" and "is". In this case, way is owned by it, so the word would be "its". No apostrophe because of ownership. This is an exception to the basic rule, and I realize it can be confusing at first.

Also, you are talking about "the lies" and "the heartbreak". This is more than one subject, so the word "it" becomes plural and turns into the world "they" and "their".

Another note.

"Tragedy fills the air
For what they could not save."

If you are referring to her, you need to change "what" to "who" because "what" describes something inanimate.

"They made their way around"

Also, your latter two stanzas don't flow that well either. Let me give you some suggestions about what you can do.

They made their way around.
Now she looks for closure or
A place with solid ground

Notice what was done. You don't always have to totally annihilate the lines that rhyme. Sometimes you can change the line in-between, if one is available. This allows you to fit a word or two into that line so that the two lines agree in meter.

And notice that some of the words have been changed but the line still says the same thing.

Next.

Body on the floor.
Back against the wall.
For one so young, she seems
To have seen it all.

Again, notice the changing of the line in-between. Now the two rhymed lines share meter. ^_^

You don't have to use periods, by the way. They just add to the effect of the poem.

Body on the floor.
Back against the wall.

The periods give the lines intensity. They end. Because you work with fewer words than you do in prose, it's important to use your punctuation effectively.

Let me give you an example:

And there, standing before her,
Is the man she flees from.
He grabs her, and she screams.

And there, standing before her,
Is the man she flees from.
He grabs her.
She screams.

Notice how the second one is more abrupt, adding intensity to what is written?

Next.

Tragedy fills the air
For who they could not save.
They act with hollow care,
Then go on with their day.

Consider changing "save" and "day" so that the words rhyme better. Search for other words.

Next.

But she will always be here,
Her blood staining the ground,
Looking for someone to help her,
For she's yet to be found.

There you go.
I hope this critique was helpful. You do not have to make any of the changes I made. Feel free to make your own. I was just giving you examples of what you could do with your poem.

God bless! Love ya! heart
 

[Rainbow x Toxic]

thank you! this is really helpful. I won't be using all of it but I will make some changes. Thanks~! ^_^  

[tealflower1928]

personally i loved your poem both ways.
although i love rules and almost always follow them i dont think that writing really needs to many other than basic construction. if u want to erite by your own guidelines by all means run wild and write freely! no one should be able to tell you no, no matter what the reason.