I'm making a webcomic. [HELP]

[ecopper12]

So...Yeah. An Artist on dA volunteered to do art for a script writer for a webcomic. I wrote the script for the first comic, and I need to know if it was clever or something.

Quote:

Dead Pixels (Pending Title)

First Panel

(Entering Frame) Dave: Hey, Graham. Whatcha playin'?

(sitting, playing DS) Graham: Pokemon Soul Silver.

Second Panel

(Raising a hand in protest) Dave: You know what? Pokemon is full of logical fallacies that make no sense.

(Eyes almost closed, sighing) Graham: Oh, joy. Here we go.

Third Panel

(Eyes closed, hand over chest) First off, they sent a kid to do a job that even an adult probably couldn't do. Second, why do all of the Nurses and Police officers look the same? That's laziness! I think the game is a complete waste of time! I would never play it! Oh, and there's more!

(Still bored) Graham: Oh. Cool...

Fourth Panel:

3 Hours Later

(Hand on hips, proud) Dave: So that's why the games and anime suck. Were there any points I missed?

(Facepalm) Graham: No, no. I think you've caught them all.

So...Yeah.

Thoughts?  

[Xilo The Odd]

would not change a thing, as far as advice from somone experienced on the issue, trenn had his old webocomic from long ago.  

[Super Cheesio]

That's very good. smile But take it from me, unoriginal ideas don't go down well.  

[Xilo The Odd]

well they don't go well cause this happens


comic posted

flamer comments that it just copying so and so

comment gets to the writer or artist

comic dies

ignore flamers and keep posting them no matter what.  

[Al Torrenz]

I don't know. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like I've seen punchlines basing on the catch'em all phrase around more than a few times.

WORDS WORDS WORDS  

[Meta_Fish]

Dead Pixels seems like it's already the name of something. Maybe check on that?

Otherwise, the pacing doesn't seem too great, and the jokes have all been done to death. I dunno, maybe it's just me, and maybe it's just me being too judgmental, but that's my two cents. What else you got?  

[Xilo The Odd]

if dead pixels is taken by somethin, go with CPU DEAD

computer equivalent of brain dead.  

[ZeldaQueen]

It looks funny, but you should make sure you have ideas for quite a few comics before you get started.  

[alsoknownasak]

Starting a comic "hey how is [game you are playing]?" is a bit cliche. I dunno, I think the market for gaming web-comics has become a bit over-saturated. Eeeeverbody wants to be Penny Arcade.  

[ecopper12]

Okay, I made an alternate idea for the first comic, but I used to same punchline. Not sure how I feel about this one either.

Quote:

Dead Pixels Comic 1 Alternate Idea

Panel 1

(Rushing into the room, frantic) Dave: Graham! Dude! I noticed something about the legendary birds of Kanto!

(Looking up from his DS, bored) Graham: Do they not make sense either?

Panel 2

(Still frantic) Dave: It's not just that! It's their names! ArticUNO! ZapDOS! MolTRES! They're Spanish!

(Smirking) Graham: You're just now figuring this out? Come on, everyone knows this.

Panel 3

(Freaking out) Dave: But it's the idea behind the fact! What if Articuno was looking for a better life,, so he grabbed his buddies and flew to Japan! There, they got a job as the legendary birds! WHAT ABOUT THAT?! Now we have to catch them and make them work for us! It's sheer madness!

(Bored again) Graham: Dave, you do know that Pokemon aren't real, right? There's no logic in anything you just said.

Panel 4

(Screaming at the sky) Dave: BUT I'M BEING FORCED TO CATCH IMMIGRANTS! HOW IS THIS EVEN HUMANE! WHAT IS AMERICA COMING TO? WHAT ABOUT THE BABY BIRDS?

(Looking back at his DS) Graham: Well, of people keep buying Pokemon, I'd say we're going to catch them all.

Any thoughts on this?  

[Super Cheesio]

I preferred the first one. Also, re-read the last line.  

[Xilo The Odd]

both are pretty good.  

[ecopper12]

I messed around in Manga Studio, and came out with this as a first panel. I'm taking an XKCD-ish approach.

 

[ecopper12]

http://cpudead.smackjeeves.com/comics/1099660/pokelogic/

IT'S ALIIIIIIIIVE