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 Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 7:28 am
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I'm still not "back." I just feel like I owe an explanation to the questions I keep being asked.
1. My face.
Posts on facebook and a thread on here talked about something happening to my face, (it being swollen, painful, looking like a battered housewife, etc.) what happened was the result of some issues that I don't typically talk about but whatever.
I have a S.A.D., I am currently not on any medications or in any therapy groups, and for the moment I don't have much of a healthy outlet for my emotions other than to bottle, then I tend to spaz, freak out, and in that bad place I've been known to SI. This is what happened to my face, this was taken not long ago, and it has started to heal, the swelling is gone as you can probably see, the bruising extended from just below my right temple, to over my right eye, and down onto my jaw.
2. The Suicide
I didn't really know Drew (the boy who died), but I was close to his family, and he was a mutual friend of several. So, I was hit pretty hard by it. I still don't have the details, and I still don't want them. I've also lost one friend before this happened to a suicide, and the fact that it felt like it was happening again (not so much to me, but the friends of mine he was close to) has sort of sent me into a weird brain-place.
That was about when I started getting offended by everything and everyone, so in that time span of time, I had four panic attacks at work (my uncle sent me home, go figure. After you have one you're mentally weak, and physically exhausted, after four I was about ready to pass out), made my grandmother cry, SI'd, and quit this guild.
I'm still being a support group for a couple of people, and it's stressing me out, along with trying to support a couple of people that I've met online on other sites that also are having/struggling with depressionate issues. So, to not offend anyone, I made a decision to sort of "hiatus" from everyone. I'm still around, but I'm not really posting anywhere outside of my quest thread on this site.
It might sound lame (it even sounds lame to me typing it), but it's helped me sort of get my thoughts together and I'm honestly feeling better.
3. Real life
I've been driving more, which is good. Because I haven't done that in a while since it makes me nervous, but it's really strange that now it calms me down, the being out in the country on the old roads by myself.
Also, I've cut some ties with someone who I've been trying to be friends with, and get closer too. It was fine, he and I were becoming very good friends, but then his brother like figure came back, and I sort of got pushed out and basically ignored. It's been irritating me for a while, when all of a sudden last night I had one of those lightbulb over the head moments and wondered why I was trying so hard. It's not my loss, and my honest core feeling about said-person is this: I pity him, and the fact that he wants to hang out with a dude who is almost 35 and wants to do nothing but drink in bars and hang out in country lots hiding from the police. I'm a good person, foo on him if he doesn't want to be friends with me, but instead someone like that.
Hope everyone is jolly.
Have good days. <3
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Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 11:23 am
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Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 11:52 am
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Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 12:17 pm
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Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 2:16 pm
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Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 3:15 pm
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Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 3:55 pm
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Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 4:25 pm
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Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 4:52 pm
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Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 6:33 pm
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Clover_IceQueen Citrus Novii Clover_IceQueen I didn't even know you were gone sweatdrop
It's 'kay, used to it.
Yeah it's my autoformat.
I'm trying to get my mark twain through my mule. c: I just forgot to hit skip.
It's all good. I appreciate you anyways lol.
I've always done it really, since I was a kid. I've had worse, and not as worse. My arms are like a maze of old scars lol. But I wouldn't worry. I don't do it with suicidal intents.
But, I was in therapy when I was younger, that was when it was first mentioned, and as I got older it became worse and worse, a time ago back I did go to a doctor, and I was diagnosed, but I lost my healthcare because of my weight and them thinking I was pregnant (assuming, I really don't know too much on that, just what i was told).
Sometime three years ago I hit a huge apex, and I sort of became a social pariah. Which was the wrong thing to do, and I started to become really scared of...everyone. I couldn't even make phone calls without feeling like I needed to vomit everywhere. Started to get over that, but I dunno, I don't really deal with it. I just bottle everything and then explode.
My anxiety issues stem from another umbrella issue, but that's a whole lot of explaining and getting into my family history. :/ |
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Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 8:56 pm
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Citrus Novii I'm still not "back." I just feel like I owe an explanation to the questions I keep being asked. I have a S.A.D 2. The Suicide and quit this guild. I'm still being a support group for a couple of people, and it's stressing me out, along with trying to support a couple of people It might sound lame (it even sounds lame to me typing it), but it's helped me sort of get my thoughts together and I'm honestly feeling better. 3. Real life I've been driving more, which is good. Because I haven't done that in a while since it makes me nervous, but it's really strange that now it calms me down, the being out in the country on the old roads by myself. I'm a good person, foo on him if he doesn't want to be friends with me, but instead someone like that. . <3
Ive always know SAD as seasonal affective, but I know the others connect in. Do you find the seasons highly affective and if so does that mean things usually get tougher in winter which is coming up?
Even if your not really close to comeone, it can still hurt to lose them, or to experience the feelings that come with it. Although I had only talked to Matti a few times before he was lost in the CHCH quake he was one of my bros best friends and did a lot of his tattoo work. When I visited the new southern ink tattoo shop since I was taking my mum to get her new tattoo at thier new location I saw the portrait that one of the guys who was working did of him (amazing skills I will show you if you are interested) and had happened to just step outside the building when it hit. But I saw that and that still brought a bunch of emotions to me, because he was really close to my bro, and he was very loved. I know its very different, but just saying you dont have to be best friends with someone to be very affected when they go.
Even if you leave us, you will always be a part of my family and always welcome back.
One of the really tough thing about helping people is that it can be toxic. I have lost much of my soul in believing I could help people who just cant be helped. Im not saying not to be there for them. Im just saying I know it can make you lose parts of yourself.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE driving...if only petrol(gas) wasnt so expensive. Those californians just dont appreciate how cheap thier gas is. But I find it relaxing, back roads are great. I really love challenging driving away from other traffic (Like unpaved back high country hilly windy roads). Also got a new (used) car...that reminds me, I should make a topic about that at some point.
And yep, people...will be people, no matter how much we try....and boy do we try, we cant change them. We can only change ourselves. Im sure you're better off not worrying about him. |
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Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2012 4:50 am
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Citrus Novii It's all good. I appreciate you anyways lol. I've always done it really, since I was a kid. I've had worse, and not as worse. My arms are like a maze of old scars lol. But I wouldn't worry. I don't do it with suicidal intents. But, I was in therapy when I was younger, that was when it was first mentioned, and as I got older it became worse and worse, a time ago back I did go to a doctor, and I was diagnosed, but I lost my healthcare because of my weight and them thinking I was pregnant (assuming, I really don't know too much on that, just what i was told). Sometime three years ago I hit a huge apex, and I sort of became a social pariah. Which was the wrong thing to do, and I started to become really scared of...everyone. I couldn't even make phone calls without feeling like I needed to vomit everywhere. Started to get over that, but I dunno, I don't really deal with it. I just bottle everything and then explode. My anxiety issues stem from another umbrella issue, but that's a whole lot of explaining and getting into my family history. :/
i was just wondering because i think i might have some kind of anxiety. not much though. just a little. i have my days. usually i just say its stress from school. but anytime i have to be around people, i get a pain in my chest. but maybe it my lack of social skills that are getting to me and making me panic like i do. but whatever i may have i've been managing to deal with it. ...more like holding all of it in. the only one i can really turn to is my boyfriend. but i feel bad for him because he gets the s**t end of the stick when my emotions finally want to freak out.
i always feel like i want to randomly scream, cry, or laugh in hopes it'll make me feel better. but i know if i did i wouldn't get the answer i'm looking for. |
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Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2012 9:21 am
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xxXSleepy_NinjaXxx Citrus Novii It's all good. I appreciate you anyways lol. I've always done it really, since I was a kid. I've had worse, and not as worse. My arms are like a maze of old scars lol. But I wouldn't worry. I don't do it with suicidal intents. But, I was in therapy when I was younger, that was when it was first mentioned, and as I got older it became worse and worse, a time ago back I did go to a doctor, and I was diagnosed, but I lost my healthcare because of my weight and them thinking I was pregnant (assuming, I really don't know too much on that, just what i was told). Sometime three years ago I hit a huge apex, and I sort of became a social pariah. Which was the wrong thing to do, and I started to become really scared of...everyone. I couldn't even make phone calls without feeling like I needed to vomit everywhere. Started to get over that, but I dunno, I don't really deal with it. I just bottle everything and then explode. My anxiety issues stem from another umbrella issue, but that's a whole lot of explaining and getting into my family history. :/ i was just wondering because i think i might have some kind of anxiety. not much though. just a little. i have my days. usually i just say its stress from school. but anytime i have to be around people, i get a pain in my chest. but maybe it my lack of social skills that are getting to me and making me panic like i do. but whatever i may have i've been managing to deal with it. ...more like holding all of it in. the only one i can really turn to is my boyfriend. but i feel bad for him because he gets the s**t end of the stick when my emotions finally want to freak out.
i always feel like i want to randomly scream, cry, or laugh in hopes it'll make me feel better. but i know if i did i wouldn't get the answer i'm looking for.
It's possible. If you're able to deal with it in an nondestructive way then that's definitely a good sign. But holding it in (from experience) is never a good thing. I firmly believe that some people are just more quiet than others, and the nervous feeling you have might not be any kind of disorder or anything that might need treatment, but if you're super concerned about it, then I'd contact a psychologist, or other sort of medical professional.
I can start to feel the same way when it comes to Ronnie. We've been together now for the better part of almost six years, and he's been there with me through a lot of panic attacks, and as that person, he's really the only one I respond to when I'm in a place like that. I know that you and you're lovely are very close, and when ever someone has a type of issue like that, and it's been discussed thoroughly, the significant can start to better understand, and be emotionally available to help, and can know that if you are screaming or freaking out, it's you and it's what you're feeling, but it's not necessarily targeted at them.
In my situation, because we're LDR (MASS and TX), it's made me more emotionally available to him, and he to me. We both have anxiety issues, he's a social anxiety and has pretty much what you described yourself having. Because of that, he and I have come up with good ways to handle our stressful/anxious moments together. When he needs to freak out and panic, I let myself become his vice, knowing that it's not really targeted at me, and he's a lot of the same way. He knows now that just because I'm screaming, that doesn't mean I'm screaming at him, it's just how I deal with things. c:
If that's what you feel like, the best thing is to talk to him though. Or if you need some personal space to go somewhere and scream and just rage out all of your anxiety/frustration then I think that you should do that. On a scale of 1-10 for me, when I'm at a 7-10 it's like I have to scream. I can't hold it in for the life of me, and in a weird way, it does make me feel better after the attack passes. During it can be frightening because it's not something I can control, after though, yeah, like I said, it can make me feel better.
I can understand though. I'm pretty introverted, but because of my job day after day after day I'm thrust into a position where I have to be assertive, approachable, kind, and harsh all at once. School and other social interactions I'd guess would have a similar effect on you because of being shy, or quiet, or whatever.
But, like I said. This is all my speculation, don't take any of my word as gospel though. I'm not licensed or anything. |
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Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2012 9:44 am
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Citrus Novii It's possible. If you're able to deal with it in an nondestructive way then that's definitely a good sign. But holding it in (from experience) is never a good thing. I firmly believe that some people are just more quiet than others, and the nervous feeling you have might not be any kind of disorder or anything that might need treatment, but if you're super concerned about it, then I'd contact a psychologist, or other sort of medical professional. I can start to feel the same way when it comes to Ronnie. We've been together now for the better part of almost six years, and he's been there with me through a lot of panic attacks, and as that person, he's really the only one I respond to when I'm in a place like that. I know that you and you're lovely are very close, and when ever someone has a type of issue like that, and it's been discussed thoroughly, the significant can start to better understand, and be emotionally available to help, and can know that if you are screaming or freaking out, it's you and it's what you're feeling, but it's not necessarily targeted at them. In my situation, because we're LDR (MASS and TX), it's made me more emotionally available to him, and he to me. We both have anxiety issues, he's a social anxiety and has pretty much what you described yourself having. Because of that, he and I have come up with good ways to handle our stressful/anxious moments together. When he needs to freak out and panic, I let myself become his vice, knowing that it's not really targeted at me, and he's a lot of the same way. He knows now that just because I'm screaming, that doesn't mean I'm screaming at him, it's just how I deal with things. c: If that's what you feel like, the best thing is to talk to him though. Or if you need some personal space to go somewhere and scream and just rage out all of your anxiety/frustration then I think that you should do that. On a scale of 1-10 for me, when I'm at a 7-10 it's like I have to scream. I can't hold it in for the life of me, and in a weird way, it does make me feel better after the attack passes. During it can be frightening because it's not something I can control, after though, yeah, like I said, it can make me feel better. I can understand though. I'm pretty introverted, but because of my job day after day after day I'm thrust into a position where I have to be assertive, approachable, kind, and harsh all at once. School and other social interactions I'd guess would have a similar effect on you because of being shy, or quiet, or whatever. But, like I said. This is all my speculation, don't take any of my word as gospel though. I'm not licensed or anything.
don't worry about me blaming you for any advice you give me that i end up trying and then failing. i know you're just trying to help and you have your own opinion on the matter.
i like talking about things as much as i can. but i always have a problem talking face to face. i end up smiling because i'm uncomfortable so i feel like no one will take me seriously. i think its part of the reason why i come online and been addicted to gaia since i found the guild. i feel like writing things out that i want to say in real life comes out clearer. i feel like any time i talk in person i stumble over my words a lot or someone doesn't get what i'm trying to say.
a part of my social awkwardness comes from growing up with friends moving constantly. i'd get a best friend and then they'd moved. this happened all the way through elementary so i never had friends to hang out with outside of school... and i didn't actually know how hanging out with friends were suppose to function.
the first time i actually went out with friends was when i was a junior in high school, and my brother was a freshman. he became friends with my friends, which had as both hanging out outside of school.
and then there was my ex. i held in a lot when i was with him. i didn't like to tell him too much. he never gave me my own privacy so i did things behind his back. after two years of wanting to call it quits in an almost 4 year relationship i finally did it and wound up getting together with my best friend that i've been wanting to be with since the day i broke up with my ex the first time.
...i feel like i'm just saying a whole bunch of useless information now.
all and all, i wouldn't know what i would do without Danny(bf). i think he's a big part to why i can maintain my emotions. days when i'm away from him i started to get lonely and i tell him i just want him to hold me as i cry or do something that'll release my emotions, but once i'm with him everything seems to fade away and i'm fine.
but then there are other days where i'm fine most of the day and randomly i want to pull a tantrum. it sucks because i never know what's really wrong with me. and i feel bad because i make him feel bad when he feels like he has to do something to help me, but he can't.
i would see a doctor, but i don't think it would help me. i'm better off trying to figure it out on my own for now. maybe if i get worse i'll seek help. but for the most part i'm aware of my actions and i know how to control them. |
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