[Fin] Being Okay

[TawnyAngel]

[ Posting this up on behalf of Tinn and myself. ]

"Sorry, man - I don't think I'm up to that movie. Or anything with a lot of.. y'know, noise and light." The good news was that the headaches had lessened, which meant there wasn't a blood clot in his brain and he could be released from the infirmary since his other scrapes, inside and out, were healing up decently. The bad news was that a spell of vertigo that had laid him flat when he'd stood up after dinner, and there weren't many movies you could watch from the sofa with a wet cloth over your eyes.

After a pause, Hayes asked, "Did you see that ludicrous display last night?"


The vertigo had freaked him out more than a bit; knowing it was normal didn't help a whole lot. Alex seemed to be okay now though, thankfully... well other than being flopped out on the couch with a cloth over his face anyway. "No worries, another time," Aulus replied, dimming the lights in deference to his friend's headache and crossing back to the sofa. "What's Wenger doing sending Walcott on that early?" he added complete with the obligatory accent as he eased himself down to sit on the floor with his back to the arm that was by Alex's feet, eschewing the nearby chair at least for now.  

[TawnyAngel]

The blond's mouth twitched humorously. "Thing about Arsenal is they always try and walk it in," he replied in turn, complete with attempt at accent and face when he heard himself. "Man, that feels weird."


"Heh, that accent would get you glassed in the kind of pub where people talk like that," Aulus said with a slight grin. "Well actually I exaggerate. Probably. It's hard to tell with football fans sometimes." It was good to be able to hold a sensible conversation with Alex again, really good, and alright make that a conversation that was sensible by their own standards. They were comfortable conversations; he could let his guard down, come off the defensive. Sitting here on the floor making weird conversation everything nearly seemed normal again, and for now he kind of wanted to pretend that it was.  

[TawnyAngel]

"Glassed. Is that free beer, or free beer to the face?" Once you got used to your head being in a fog - and he largely had, although it would hopefully soon become an obsolete skill - this was almost like normal. Close enough you could see it on a clear day, at least.


"Free empty beer glass to the face, they wouldn't waste beer," Aulus imparted sagely, shifting a little to stretch out his spine. He wasn't used to being inactive for long periods of time and he hated it with a passion. "Oh, and did anyone mention that the Shaymin fluff we found looks hopeful?" he added as the piece of information drifted to mind in relation to why he was stuck being inactive and why-

Yeah. Just... yeah. No. No thinking about depressing things, not this evening. This evening was supposed to be a chance to forget all of the s**t that had happened and just spend some time together again.

"Even if they can't get a viable specimen out of it they're going to learn a hell of a lot apparently."  

[TawnyAngel]

"Heh," Hayes chuckled, at least at the beer comment. "Oh yeah?" He flexed his foot, feeling the stretch go through his leg. "That's awesome. Maybe botany can start.. growing plant bombs." He was usually more intelligent than this. Was it the concussion, or the shortness of breath? Well.. Kurt didn't mind if he was stupid for a while.

"Who found that stuff? Tam?"


"Kailee noticed it first would you believe," Aulus replied with a frown and a shake of his head. "Apparently she's not a complete ditz after all, or she's observant at least. I told you about her, right? With the flaming bedsheets?" He knew he had but he wasn't sure whether or not Alex's head might still be a bit scrambled, he might have forgotten that little rant.  

[TawnyAngel]

"Oh, yeah." He'd have to be really concussed to forget that story. "Didn't she sort of.. what was the thing, where the Ducklett were following boots?" Hayes drew his brows together under the cloth, reaching in vain for more than a fuzzy recollection of the Pokemon documentary they'd watched and the term itself.

"Didn't she sort of do that to you?"


"Imprint," Aulus supplied. He shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah she kind of did. She's persistent, determined to befriend me apparently." He still felt uncomfortable about how their last conversation in the infirmary but she'd been right, he knew she had been, and they'd met since and things had been okay. The essential problem was him, was that he was too sensitive. It was stupid to get worked up about harmless jokes. If he were more relaxed, if he could just accept jokes like she said, then people would like him more.  

[TawnyAngel]

"Determined," Hayes repeated, catching that little off note in his friend's tone.


"Yeah." Should he explain? He felt stupid about the whole thing -so stupid! Why did he have to be so-? but he knew Alex wouldn't judge him harshly. Alex liked him the way he was for some mad reason.

Aulus fiddled with an errant piece of fluff on the floor.

"Just... you know." Well he wouldn't know if he didn't explain. "Just.... I mean she's a nice girl. She's been very kind to me so...." Why was this so hard to put into words? Why did it bother him so much? "I just need to not get so worked up about her jokes. They're harmless after all."  

[TawnyAngel]

Mindful of his healing side, Hayes raised the cloth and pushed himself up to look at Aulus. "Yeah?" he asked, in a way that said 'I do not entirely think you believe that, Aulus.' His new position wasn't very comfortable; after a moment he settled back down again, letting his arm flop over the couch.


"Yeah," Aulus replied with a stiff shrug, still looking at the piece of fluff he was picking at. "It's no big deal. Well, it shouldn't be anyway. She doesn't mean any harm by them, she said that, so...." But it bothered him. "Just have to meet her half way I suppose, if I want to get on with her and I... think I do?" He wanted to be liked and she seemed to like him, or at least she liked him when he wasn't getting pissed off about jokes.  

[TawnyAngel]

"Doesn't mean any harm.." The blond mumbled to himself, then lifted a corner of the cloth to look at his friend. "But she says stuff that bothers you, right?"


Aulus' shoulders were hunched over a little; they lifted in another shrug as Alex spoke again. "It's just stupid jokes... but she didn't make any that rubbed me the wrong way last time we met up, so maybe it's not a problem. Anyway, I should be able to take a joke."  

[TawnyAngel]

"I dunno," came the doubtful response, as Alex tried to shrug and was impeded by the couch. "Remember school? Kids'd say all sorts of s**t and follow it up with 'Can't you take a joke?' Still happens - look at any internet article's comments. That doesn't sound like Kailee, but point is - some jokes suck. You don't have t'like them."


Aulus looked up at Alex with a wan smile. "We had very different school experiences. Nobody made s**t jokes at me... well, not twice." He would really love to meet some of Alex's schoolmates; what a fun, jolly time he would have with them. "But yeah," he shrugged awkwardly, "like I say she didn't say anything like that last time so.... I don't know. I do want us to get on, so if she makes another joke I don't like maybe I should just ignore it? I don't know. Maybe just try not to be a snappy b*****d and tell her I don't like it calmly?"

Why did this all seem so difficult? He'd always struggled to get on with people but this, how he felt about it all, this was different. There was something wrong with him, something making him even more tetchy than usual and... and he suspected he knew what it was but he didn't want to think about it, he really did not. Today was supposed to be fun, he hadn't meant to start thinking down this path.  

[TawnyAngel]

"Heh." No fond feeling there for past experience, but there was some for his friend. "Yeah, okay. But I'll bet you heard what I'm talking about, maybe to some other kid who wasn't so great at bloody noses." The blond frowned, readjusted the cloth, and sank back into cool darkness as he listened to Aulus continue.

"Tell her you don't like it, yeah," he replied. "Explain, 'f you want, but don't get into an argument. She cares what you think, she'll stop; she doesn't, she's not the kind of friend you need. You don't have to be an a**, you just.. don't have to let her in." He turned his hand palm up, then let it drop.


"Yeah." Aulus half turned so that he could look at Alex, not really seeking eye contact just.... What? Seeking reassurance? Everything lately was just- just-

There was another long silence filled with lots of thinking but Aulus' thoughts ran in loops like some trapped scuttling creature desperately looking for an escape that didn't exist.

"I'd just... I'd like it if more people liked me." He murmured, looking away again at the piece of fluff, just in case Alex looked back at him. He didn't think he could meet his gaze right now. "Maybe if I just put up with stuff I don't like people will. Like me I mean." Even as he said it he was aware that it sounded stupid, that it was stupid. What was wrong with him lately? He'd always wanted to be liked more but since they'd got back all of that seemed to be amplified.  

[TawnyAngel]

Aulus was at the wrong end of the couch for a hand, so Hayes lifted a foot and tried to place it on his friend's shoulder. Since there was a cloth in the way of his vision, he ended up kicking him in the ear.


"Ow," Aulus said listlessly. He appreciated the sentiment though and gently pushing the foot away he shuffled up to the other end of the sofa, hoping that maybe less foot-to-the-ear related gestures of reassurance might appear; he wanted a hug but he'd take anything that was going. He wanted to stop feeling like this; this yawing darkness inside, and this burning loathing of himself and of how pathetic he was being about all of this.  

[TawnyAngel]

"Sorry." That had seemed like a good idea immediately before he'd acted on it. Hayes set his foot back on the cushions and flopped the hand dangling off the sofa until he located Aulus' t-shirt sleeve, then shoulder.

"That sounds like.. you don't want to date her but you'll do it 'cause you don't want to be alone," he said, then added, "Just not with dating."


"S'okay." Aulus lent his head back against the arm of the sofa and closed his eyes but he tilted his face a little towards the comforting hand on his shoulder. "I don't want to be alone. I mean, I'm not. I've got you and Tam and my team but...." He shook his head, trying to figure out just what his problem was. It wasn't Kailee, he was sure of that now, but there was something else relating to her that was bothering him. "And it's.... She kept telling me to buck up. That everything's going to go back to normal super soon... And... and it's not going to be soon and there's plenty of s**t that could go wrong." And he was scared. What if they couldn't fix him for whatever reason? What was the point of him then? What value did he have if he couldn't fight? "I don't know what to do."  

[TawnyAngel]

"She's new, at least middle class, and she's.. I think she's younger than Dani." Hayes' brow furrowed briefly. "Been on one mission and came out fine - physically, anyway, but it's different."

Hayes patted Aulus' shoulder slowly, in a double-beat to his own breathing that still felt too careful and measured, too airless for its depth. "You don't have t' be cool with.. anything you're not cool with. And if you guys don't get along, you don't get along. Nothing wrong with that, or you."


Aulus' hand flexed a couple of times on empty air. He licked his lips. He wanted to agree with Alex but he didn't feel it; there was something wrong with him or he felt like there was anyway. He reached up to grab Alex's hand, holding on tightly but with enough caution to avoid applying bone-crushing force. "Yeah, I- I-" He had to stop then to clear his throat, to breathe in and out deeply. It shouldn't have been like this. It wasn't fair.

He closed his eyes.

"Is it.... How bad does it look? I haven't looked at it yet." He knew he was being stupid, he knew it wasn't going to make it go away, but he just couldn't bring himself to look at the space where his limb ought to be.  

[TawnyAngel]

"Hang on." With his free hand, Hayes pulled the cloth away from his eyes, propping himself up for a brief better look and trying not to put weight on Aulus' shoulder as he did so.

He didn't wince, but discomfort rippled across his expression. "They did a good job," he said after weighing his words. "It's.. clean. Y'know? It's not.. It's kind of strange to see it gone, but.. the part that's there looks normal."


Clean.

He met his friend's gaze cautiously, watched the flickering of his expression.

"Clean... clean could be worse." He didn't want to be lied to, to be fed false platitudes. Aulus looked down at the floor again, took his hand away from Alex's and ran it slowly down his right shoulder to where his arm... wasn't. The skin was tender and it was strange because he could swear he could feel his whole arm right there even as he brushed his fingers over the neat surgical scar where they had pulled skin over what was left of it. It didn't feel real somehow, it was like it was somebody else, it-

He jerked his hand away again, abruptly revolted for reasons he couldn't begin to understand or explain.

Saying nothing more and avoiding Alex's gaze Aulus clambered up onto the sofa and tried to cuddle up against his friend's chest. He tried not to cry too, he'd already done that and he didn't want to get tiresome.  

[TawnyAngel]

Hayes looked back, mouth unhappily drawn back at the corners but gaze honest.

"Could be," he agreed, with a squeeze to Kurt's shoulder. Despite it being empty, the space where the arm had been still seemed .. to have mass, placement, boundary, like a reserved seat. Watching a hand go where it shouldn't be able to was.. He owed it to his friend not to look away, but his relief when the sight ended was palpable.

"Watch the side," he suggested when Aulus joined him on the couch. "M'kind of dented." He found his friend's back, stroked it a few times, and was silent.


"Mmh." Aulus acknowledged quietly, taking slow breaths and just soaking up the affection. "I'm sorry," he mumbled softly after a moment, his voice a little shaky. "I'm trying to- to be alright, you know? I don't want to just.... And thanks. For not lying to me." That was a bit of a tangent to what he'd started off saying but it felt important, too important to leave for another moment.