[FIN] Mea Culpa

[Magician Arcana]

The cake sat on the desk, alone. The room was half empty, full of quietness. Beside it sat a card. Simple, sleek. It was leafed open and while some of the words were smudged with water, it was mostly legible.

Izaya

Adam stood with his arms out and legs spread as the guard patted him down. He was numb. A numbness he didn't know was there anymore. It had happened when he had been kicked out after graduation. He'd gotten drunk and his family had enough. They cut ties. Numbness prevaded everything.

To his right a guard was speaking, "... contact, at all. Understand?" Blinking, the blonde shook his head and tried to speak, but there was no sound. Maybe it was a usual experience, or maybe the guard didn't care. The order was repeated, "No contact through the bars. If we catch any, we have to remove you."

"'Kay."

I've been thinking a lot about what happened. And I want to say I'm sorry. I pushed way too hard. I treated you pretty poorly. I remember what you did. And I just want you to know that I forgive you. Even if you don't want to be. Even if you'd rather I hate you and avoid you like the plague."

"At no time can you tell the prisoner important information or information vital to Team Rockets success. You will be monitored at all times. If this is unagreeable, then please leave."

"It's fine."

I just can't do that man. You're special to me. I don't remember telling you that I love you. I'm sorry. But I want you to know that I think you're worth it. Even if that's stupid and crazy.

There was another door and the guard let him through. Adam followed along, led like a blind man into the void. Swallowing down a sense of dread, Adam watched as the guard approached the cell. "Nakura, you've got a visitor. You know protocol." Turning, the guard waved Adam closer and walked some distance away, most likely to provide security.

Adam stood in front of the bars, looking a bit numb and pale. His body was tense, but he wasn't crying. A welcome change. Gently he lowered himself to the floor and sat crisscrossed right before the bars. "Izaya."

I love you. Not like a lover, but as a brother. As a best friend.

Sincerely, Adam.

"What happened?" His voice came out soft and pained.

Quote:

MAJOR NOTE: This RP references this role play.

As a note, I will be journaling as soon as I have time to help explain how Adam got from point A in the logged rp to here. Rest assured, proper steps to explain this WILL be made once time has been allotted to do so. <__>;

 

[lZAYA ORlHARA]

The prisoner leaned against the back wall, his gaze aimed up at the ceiling. When the guard had come in and spoken up, that gaze flickered toward his addresser, but as soon as it recognized the figure behind him, it returned to its former point of focus. A thin smile curved his mouth as Adam sat and asked a question, but it was a minute or so of silence before Izaya wet his lips to answer.

"Oh, nothing I didn't predict was going to happen sooner or later," he remarked casually. "My partner finally got fed up with me after three years. Even before you showed up, our relationship was on the rocks," he joked. "...I just didn't imagine it would lead to my imminent demise," the man added with a mirthless chuckle.

"Shame you found out. I'd hoped my changing rooms and your frequent visits to your boyfriend would keep you from learning about me until things were...taken care of." The grunt laughed, a hollow sound that echoed off the cell walls. "Oh well~ When has anything gone according to my plans? That's what makes people so interesting, after all."  

[Magician Arcana]

Adam had forgiven him, but the crooked smile sent a bolt of fear to his stomach. Taking a breath, he let it out and rubbed the back of his neck, "******** man..." Sure, Izaya had been in hot water. It had been getting rougher and rougher, from their talks. And then shortly after Adam had been introduced to Izaya, he had lost all his chances. So then, the final strike was gone. Three years with someone and they couldn't work it out. Recalling the meeting with Faleen, Adam struggled to understand what block was between them. It didn't matter now, did it?

The grunt looked at the floor, letting Izaya's words process, "That's why you moved rooms...? So... I wouldn't learn? Why?" He wasn't entirely pleased at the open declaration of seeing his boyfriend. Adam knew that needed to remain a secret. Likely, Izaya did too. This was going to complicate things. Right now, all he wanted to do was focus on his friend.

Adam became quiet again and rubbed his leg, "I uhm... I made you a cake cause of what you said about learning stuff from people's cooking, but I couldn't give it to you here. I also wrote a card." Do I just tell him? I don't know. I don't know what to say.

There was a lump of guilt in Adam's stomach, "... Did moving rooms make them like, angry at you?" How many times had he been shuffled to people because he was too hard to handle? How many families had been made and lost? He couldn't keep count the countless cities and homes he had inhabited as a child. A few months here, a year or so there. Shuffled like a deck of cards, and always tossed aside. I ruin everything. I ruined his life too. If I hadn't been there, could things have gone differently? Did I add so much stress he couldn't handle things?  

[lZAYA ORlHARA]

"I moved because I didn't want you learning about my execution," he said. "Among other reasons. Like I'd said before, you were getting too close. In more ways than one."

Izaya frowned and raised an eyebrow, looking to Adam at the mention of the cake. "A cake...?" he murmured before realization dawned on him. "Ah, my birthday. See? This is what I mean by being too close. You really shouldn't have. So much for hoping you'd be angry enough to cut me off altogether," he sighed.

"Hmm?" The younger grunt's question caught him by surprise and he chuckled softly to himself. "No way. They don't care so much about rooms as long as we don't cause problems. It's other problems I caused - intentional or not - that turned them against me." Sitting up straighter, his pretense faded and Izaya looked straight at the blonde, studying him as if he could read his thoughts on his face.

"Oi," he said sharply. "This has nothing to do with you. Don't start getting all mopey and blaming yourself just because your former roommate was a cheeky git. I made my own bed; I'm fine with sleeping in it." That said, he relaxed back against the wall once more and turned his head away. "Maybe you could...make sure my pokemon go to good trainers, though. Keep some if you like, as long as you can handle them." He paused. "Especially Riviere. This is the second time he's lost a trainer."  

[Magician Arcana]

Izaya's words seemed muddled in the fog of his mind, it wasn't until the sharp Oi that he blinked out of the daze and looked at him. Naive surprise colored Adam's expression before it melted into an easy laugh, "Yeah. Maybe." Turning away from the trainer he listened to the final request.

"Of course." Adam snapped his attention back, face serious and stern, "I can take care of Riv. We get along pretty well... And the twins too. Same with Del." Despite the group not being close to their trainer, he could imagine that losing Izaya would be hard on them too, "And Celty. I guess everyone I've really met or interacted with I'd take good care of. I promise. I'll make sure the others get a good place. I swear it."

The rest of what Izaya said rattled back in his mind. About being too close and not having made the cake. Adam forced a laugh, but it mostly hung heavy in his chest, "Nah. I just wish they weren't tight asses and would let you have some cake. Honestly, what are you going to do with cake? Throw it at them. OH NO what a weapon. Izaya uses a cake bomb and makes a ******** mess. What would the world do?" An impish grin spread over Adam's face as he watched Izaya. This will be the last time I get to... His chest squeezed.

"I'm going to miss you." The words came out steady and measured. Adam looked back at the cell floor as he folded his hands together, "A lot. And you know, I almost did cut you out completely. It'd be a lot easier, right? With everything that happened and like... Yeah. We've had this talk. You know what I mean. It would be easier."

Adam, for as talkative as he was, didn't enjoy airing all his feelings to the world. Still, this was it. There was no other chance to speak to Izaya again. Well unless he came another day. But the longer he waited, the harder it would get, "I remember... Some of the stuff that happened... Last time."  

[lZAYA ORlHARA]

“Mmm…maybe Delic’s not so good to keep around,” he answered. “He was never a real Rocket pokemon. That’s why he was good for cover when I was posing as a civilian trainer.” Shrugging, he suggested, “Maybe return him to his namesake if you can. He has no reason to be stuck here anymore.”

“Hehehe…look at you, taking this so seriously,” the grunt said, amused. “It might be out of your hands, you know. If you try, that’ll be good enough. If you can’t, no big deal. They’re just pokemon. I’m sure they’ll adapt to whatever situation they end up in.”

He forced a few laughs with Adam’s talk of how the cake might be dangerous. “You might be surprised what I’m capable of,” he teased back. But then Adam spoke again and all traces of any positive emotions, faked or otherwise, were gone.

“…Damn. So close, too,” was all he replied. Then, “...so why didn’t you? Just had to be stubborn ‘til the end?”

The condemned man didn’t move. Instead, he closed his eyes. “Oh? And what might that be?”  

[Magician Arcana]

Why didn't he? It had taken a long time to reach this decision. For Izaya, it probably seemed disconcerting. He had done his best to drive a wedge between them. And if Adam had listened to himself or his boyfriend, he would have avoided the informant. Yet that wasn't an option. It was never an option.

"Stubbornness plays a part in it." Was all he answered, listening to the second reply from the death row grunt. He took a breath and looked up at Izaya squarely in the face. Adam relaxed and poured his gaze over the empty expression of the other man. For a moment it was difficult to tell who was on what side of the bars. The cell between them and the untouchable boundary was bitterly ironic. "You triggered me... Saying stuff that you knew you shouldn't. Using my history, things I trusted with you, against me. You took everything you had and tried to emotionally destroy me. Then when it wouldn't work completely, you threatened to force yourself on me." Adam's voice rose slowly in anger, but he never looked away from Izaya. His hands clenched together.

Taking a deep breath, he swallowed it down with his rage, "And I... Forgive you. For that. Because I understand why. Why you did it. I understand where you were coming from. I'm sorry I was so selfish. I pushed you too far. Too hard. Put you into a corner and made you feel you were defenseless."

Hunching down, Adam flicked his lip ring with his tongue, "But what I understood when I calmed down was.. You were scared. Look where trusting anyone has landed you. Here now, about to be killed. When you can't trust people, you test them, even if you think it's not a test. Even if you don't mean it to be a test. You push them as hard as you can to see where they snap. Will they come back? Can they come back?

"You know what hurt the worse wasn't that you did it, but that you left after you did it. Like you had wrung all the fun you could have out of me and then tossed me aside. But that wasn't it either. That's not why you left," Adam stared intently at the ground and continued to speak, "You were afraid, weren't you? It's easier for you to be the one who severs the bond than to have it severed on you. To control your own destiny and that kinda s**t."

Looking up, Adam looked at Izaya again, face serious and voice even. For once, he wasn't crying or getting overly emotional. It was taking a lot of control to not let his voice waver or tears come. Maybe this was a sign of maturity, "I'm not going to abandon you. Period. I forgive you, even if you won't forgive yourself."  

[lZAYA ORlHARA]

Face still turned up toward the ceiling with his head resting against the wall, Izaya opened his eyes halfway and peered at Adam under their lids. His lips were a thin line as the blonde spoke with increasing volume.

"Tch...it's almost like you're forgiving me to spite me," he uttered at last. "Stop presuming to know how I feel or think. I pushed you away because I don't like you. That's all there is to it." He shut his lids yet again, brow furrowing in discontent.

Easier for him to sever the bond? Yes, that was at least partly it. But there had been another reason Izaya had left. He'd never admit it, but he hadn't wanted to hurt Adam more than he already had - either directly himself or indirectly with his death. And yet here he was. Obviously that hadn't worked out as he'd intended.

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm not some stray animal you have to save from the pound," the grunt told him, his tone hard, clear, and cold. "Nothing you can do or say will change anything. I'm already scheduled to be put down." He gestured with a shooing motion, eyes still shut. "So maybe you should quit wasting the little time I have left and leave me in peace."  

[Magician Arcana]

Adam listened to Izaya's response. A crooked smile tilted his lips as his heart clenched momentarily. Of course, just not liking him was an option. It had been something that had rattled around the grunts brain for who knew how long. Maybe it was blind optimism that drove the grunt forward. Who really knew? Adam, least of all.

"I'm not forgiving you out of spite. That wouldn't be forgiveness. That'd be me coming here telling you I was stronger and I hoped you rot. Which I'm.... I would imagine is something you'd want." Adam carefully picked the wording, not wanting to get caught up in the game of 'I don't think that way'.

Adam remained quiet after that, eyes drifting around the room.Their conversation ending like this wasn't surprising. But It still hurt. An ache inside that throbbed softly. He'd put himself on the line, but it hadn't been enough to get anything other than a cursory response. That should have been enough proof that what Izaya said about not liking him was true. Yet Adam sat rooted to the ground, chin cupped in his palm and arm resting on his thigh.

You gave me bad advice. But you tell me it's not bad. That was a line of thinking Adam had been examining for so long. Every word burnt against is skin and tasted ashy. You'd never do something to hurt yourself directly. Even if I took it the wrong way, it would still be right. Or was the wrong way the right way?

With closed eyes, he sighed and spoke softly, "I've never looked down on you. Of course you're not a stray animal. Don't be a d**k," Adam returned to looking at the caged grunt, face neutral and almost seeming bored, "Well seeing as you don't have a surplus of visitors, and you have plenty of time to wallow in self misery later, I don't see how I'm wasting your time."

Turning his head to the side, Adam spoke softly, "I really wasn't strong enough in the end. It sucks. I couldn't get anything I wanted done. I never had a chance. Too little, too late." Smiling mirthlessly, Adam felt a rush of heat to his throat. No, no tears. No tears, "I'm sorry, Izaya."  

[lZAYA ORlHARA]

"What you just described isn't forgiveness out of spite; it's just spite. The fact that you know I'm intentionally being cruel and yet telling me you 'forgive me' is forgiveness out of spite because you know your forgiveness is the last thing I could want in this situation," he spouted matter-of-factly, eyes still shut. He rubbed the temples of his disconcerted brow as if he had a headache.

"It's what you're doing - coming here to tell me you forgive me - and not what you didn't do - in your example, coming here to tell me you were stronger and you hoped I rot - that bothers me. Ideally, you wouldn't have come here at all. You wouldn't have found out about this and you wouldn't have given me a second thought after I changed rooms. That was what I would have wanted." Another sigh as he muttered softly to himself. "This is what comes of leading people on...you can't shake them off later because they cling so desperately to what they want to believe in their denial of reality."

More hollow laughter. "Don't be...? Haven't I always been?" he prompted. "'Self-misery'? Who said I was miserable? There are fates worse than death. Besides, I'll finally get to see if there's such a thing as an afterlife or not. Who knows? I may even come back a ghost~"

He yawned. "What are you on about? You're talking as if you're the one who's life's about to end, not mine. There's no need to be 'strong enough' for anything and I can't fathom what you might have wanted to get done that you didn't have the chance to. What the hell are you sorry for?"  

[Magician Arcana]

"I don't know if being forgiven is the last thing you'd want," Adam rebuked softly. He was forcing himself to remain in a casual position as he watched the other man. It was difficult for the grunt. Normally emotions were not something Adam withheld. In this situation, though, becoming upset or crying was not going to aid either party.

The backhanded comment about leading people on was like a verbal slap. Body rigid, the grunt closed his eyes and laughed weakly at the thought. He was just stupid enough to not have considered being led on this whole time. Really, that should have been obvious. For a perilous moment, his mind teetered between control and loss. I've made my decision. I can't go back on it now.

"I guess this should be a lesson to all that leading others on is a bad idea. Especially the teen you were aware purposely drank to avoid the world." Adam pointed out, his voice cold and bitter, "You should have seen that would have gone bad. So I find you leading me on to be grade A bullshit."

Sighing, the grunt stood and stretched, but made no movement to leave, "No, you weren't always a d**k. As a matter of fact, you were rarely a d**k," Adam drawled out, as if bored with the topic of conversation. Do I say it or just let it die with him? Adam swallowed the lump in his throat, his heart still stinging from the comment about being led on.

"What I am going on about is that.. I wanted to get higher in the organization. To have more clout. And maybe I could have bargained or tried to save you. But I don't." He frowned and pinched the bridge of his nose, "So I'm sorry. To myself and you. Not that you asked me to save you. ********, you were pretty explicit that you never wanted that to happen. But I made the decision on my own. So I've let myself down."  

[lZAYA ORlHARA]

His spoken points as sharp as actual knives, Izaya knew he couldn't have cut up Adam more painfully or deeply than if he'd used the real things. For all his skill with blades, he'd always known that words were his best weapons and now he seemed to be pulling out all the stops to make this particularly evident.

Carefully selecting comment after back-stabbing comment from his mental arsenal, the grunt continued to remain physically still. He almost appeared to nap against the back wall but for his moving lips and the verbal blows they delivered.

"Keeping you from drinking made you more fragile," that awful tongue uttered. "You were more vulnerable and susceptible to my influence that way. Your withdrawal combined with my insinuations and implications made you more dependent on our relationship to deal with your life. It was all pretty predictable. That's what made it boring after I got you to open up and why I got sick of it so quickly after that."

There was no way the younger man on the other side of his bars could have known that Izaya was pulling all that out of his a**. Adam was good at seeing through the informant, that much was true, but the latter also knew the former's weakness. The blonde was emotional and sentimental enough as he was without his traumatic past and his head being messed with.

Just by suggesting that he had planned everything all along, Izaya guessed Adam's vulnerability and insecurity would cause him to swallow the whole thing; hook, line, and sinker. He'd swallow it like poison until he was forced to finally throw it all up, his very being rejecting it along with every last bit of the ex-roommate he'd buried so deeply in his heart.

"Just because you didn't always know my true intentions doesn't mean I didn't always have them," Orihara continued in response to the comment about him rarely having been a d**k. A long-time practitioner of deceit himself, he knew better than to take Adam's tone of boredom at face value. Just a little more...so close to the edge... the informant thought. Just a small push at the right moment...almost there...

"Heh...hehehe...hahahahaha!" The imprisoned grunt's laughter started out quiet before growing into voluminous, maniacal eruptions that reverberated off the cell walls and echoed back several times louder. It was several minutes before he could summon breath enough to speak again. "...Hehehehe...You...you're apologizing...for not doing something I didn't want you to do in the first place?" He put his palm to his face, stifling the giggles that still persisted in escaping him. "...hehehe...You really are an idiot, Addi-chii." His crimson eyes peered through his fingers, a disconcerting grin partly visible behind them as well. "Too bad, so sad. Better luck next time~"  

[Magician Arcana]

Adam watched the man behind the bars laugh. The chilling sound rang everywhere, reverberating violently and making even the guard in Adam's peripheral vision shift uncomfortably. Adam bowed his head and remained still, the spitting image of a defeated man. As the laughter carried on, his shoulders twitched gently in fits and jumps. Uncontrollably, the grunt began to laugh along with his ex-roommate, doubling over as the giggles turned to airless breaths. Eventually, Adam let his head roll back to reveal a bright, pleased grin.

"T-that's it?" Adam gasped out, biting back more laughter. Wiping his eyes, he tried to straighten himself. A few chuckles slipped out as he grinned at Izaya from his eyes, "That's the best you got, dude? Come the ******** on. You know that's kid s**t. Damn here I was worried you were going to drop something mind bendingly huge."

Opening up to Izaya had been so difficult for Adam. Even if he had sang the words, he had to expose that part of himself. That time... in his mind he had imagined the Izaya that stood here before him. A shadow-y version, one that was so blocked and emotionally guarded that nothing could penetrate the shell. Instead, something else happened. Something a little more miraculous. A different Izaya showed himself. A little unsure, but definitely caring. That was the man Adam knew and cared for, the one that had tried to patch their relationship. The one that would give into his little wants and would play along and enjoy their company. Same person, different side of the coin.

Shaking his head, Adam sighed gently, "I'll let you in on a little secret. I was still drinking. I wasn't going through withdrawals. And I did and DO enjoy our relationship. I also know when you're bullshitting me. It's pretty obvious now. Maybe not to others, but I think we're just similar enough that I can tell."

Adam's gaze bore holes into Izaya, "You've already done your worst, and I survived it just to return here. I'm not abandoning you, Iz," a warm smile crawled across Adam's face, "I might be sentimental. I might be emotional. I might even be an idiot. But I'm not going to break anymore. Nor am I going to collapse."  

[lZAYA ORlHARA]

The grunt's eyes widened and his smile went slack. His hand fell from his face slowly as he tried to comprehend the meaning of Adam's response.

Suddenly, there was only one thing he knew he wanted in the heat of the moment and he wanted it very badly.

Lurching to his feet, the stiffness of his body suggested he hadn't moved from his spot in a while. But as soon as he was running, his motion turned fluid and he kicked with all his might at the bars separating him from Adam.

"GO THE ******** AWAY!" he screamed. Over and over he kicked and punched at the bars with his bare fists, not stopping even as his knuckles went from being bruised and battered to cracked and bleeding.

It seemed the tables had turned.  

[Magician Arcana]

Approaching the cell, the guard shouted over the clamor, "Grunt Nakura, calm down!" Then grasped Adam firmly above the elbow and reefed him from the spot he stood, rooted like a weed.

The guard returned moments later, having deposited the visitor in the examination area. A cursory note was placed on Adam's file to warn about visitations to Grunt Nakura.


"Nakura, calm down or we'll have to sedate you." The command was calm and clear, "We will have medical come and wrap your knuckles. Stop causing problems."