[FIN] He Loves Me

[Akira Midoriyama]

By the time Akira made it back to the apartment, he was out of breath, but he had also managed to calm down some. He went into the bathroom and washed his face before looking up at his reflection. What was he doing? Would he be a jealous, paranoid idiot forever? Adam didn't deserve that. Akira hadn't even realized he'd been comparing him to Ryuu until the blonde brought it up. Why did he have to do that?

Because I'm afraid of history repeating itself, he answered his own question. Once was enough, but to be fooled twice would be the end of me. I'd never be able to trust anyone again. Because...I wouldn't be able to trust my own judgement.

Speaking of judgement...his wasn't the only one he didn't trust. Why was Adam so attached to Izaya? If it wasn't that sort of relationship, then what was it? Had he thought he could change the information broker somehow? And why could the older teenager see through the other man's tricks? Could it be they really were alike?  

[Magician Arcana]

Adam wheezed up the steps, each one harder than the last. His legs beat and burned furtively, begging the teen to stop the abuse. Adam gritted his teeth, pushing his head low and continued to climb higher towards his destination. If anything, the mad dash after his boyfriend and now the stair-sault was all the pressure Adam needed to seriously consider getting his a** in shape. Cause goddamn, this was sad.

It was nice that he had time to think, but the thoughts swirled hazily and left his conscious and emotions a muddy mess. Akira's anger and near-betrayal. Izaya's indifference and desire to cause mischief. The pain that sang in his soul for both of these hurts, but... Akira's stung the worst. In one second Akira was willing to just.. Dump everything. It was almost surreal the about-face that the older man pulled. Adam swallowed the pain and his thudding heart and leaned against Akira's apartment door.

If Akira had reacted so badly and then ran, so quickly, crying from the scene... What would he do alone? Adam's mind spun with horror filled worries, all of them escalating until Akira lay dead in his bathtub. Maybe that was a little overblown, but really the blonde couldn't help but feel the dramatics were justified - especially given how Akira had reacted.

Panting, he pounded a fist on the door, his voice calling out, "Akira... Open... Door..."  

[Akira Midoriyama]

In a moment, the door opened and Akira threw himself at Adam. "I'm sorry!" he whimpered against Adam's shirt. "I'm so, so sorry! I...I got so scared, Adam...but that was no excuse..." s**t, if he wasn't careful, he might start crying all over again.  

[Akira Midoriyama]

Oops, double post. XP  

[Magician Arcana]

Really, he didn't know what to expect, but it wasn't Akira flinging himself bodily at Adam. He groaned under the new weight, struggling to hold them both up as Akira threw apologies. "K-ki - AH!" His legs, tired of the abuse, crumpled, leaving the taller teen below his older boyfriend.

Blinking, he laughed lovingly and stroked Akira's hair, "I'm so glad you're okay. I was so worried when you ran off that you'd... you'd do something stupid." Relief swept across him, but with it the pain of Akira's actions flared. He didn't know how to address the apologies. Part of him said that he should accept it and push it away, the part that never wanted to deal with hardships. The part that kept him hooked to a bottle, sipping relief at the expense of health and family... Adam didn't consider himself particularly brave, but for Akira he would try to be. He owed him that much.

"You're right... It's not... an excuse, and it hurt." The word fell from his lips heavily as tears clogged his throat, "It hurt really bad, Akira... What happened?"  

[Akira Midoriyama]

When he realized he had knocked Adam down, he gasped and put his hands to his mouth. "Oh my gosh, I'm sorry; I'm so sorry!" he apologized, getting up off him before trying to help him stand up.

"No...I had to run off before I did anything more stupid," Akira answered with a trembling smile. "I...I was just..." He tried to blink away tears as he looked away before taking Adam by the hand. "C-can we go inside first? I don't really feel like spilling my guts out here..."  

[Magician Arcana]

At least he was standing, even if his body was not thrilled at this new development, "You're okay. It's okay." Adam tried to speak soothingly around the tears, but the flustered and nervousness of Akira was riling up his heart. Swallowing, he nodded and gave Akira's hand a squeeze before leading them inside the apartment.

There was an oddly warm, familiar sensation of Home that flooded Adam as soon as the door closed behind him. It caught the blonde off guard. How long had it been since a place had evoked this sensation of safety and love? Moving to the couch that doubled as his boyfriend's bed, he flopped down and pulled the older man to him, to sit down beside him. "What happened, 'Kira?" He squeezed their hands to give the other man reassurance. He was hurt, but that didn't mean he was eager to hurt Akira in retaliation. Even if that would be easier, and faster, than sorting the tangled mess that hung between them.  

[Akira Midoriyama]

"I got scared," Akira explained, trying to meet Adam's eyes. "And that's how I used to put up walls in the past and braced myself - by being cold. Lashing out in return, even if it wasn't fair. The people who used to hurt me before didn't play fair, so I didn't see why I had to." He shook his head and put his face in his hands.

"I...I didn't think...I just couldn't stop imaging that it was happening all over again. I mean...you've known him longer than you've known me, right?" He raised his head to keep his hands from muffling his words, but he still couldn't quite meet Adam's gaze and his voice was still shaky. "And...and you guys are really close and it wasn't your choice to leave him...so I thought...maybe he still had you wrapped around his finger...I don't know..."

Akira shook his head frantically. "B-but then...even when I hurt you, you were still defending me and I...I realized what a fool I was being! I mean, I still don't know what your relationship is with him, but that doesn't mean ours is a lie, right? And...you just stood your ground, and I..." He sniffed and wiped his watering eyes on the back of his hand. "Even though I was so cruel to you. I didn't deserve to have you defend me, Adam. I don't deserve to be with you! It's not fair to you!"  

[Magician Arcana]

People didn't play fair, so he didn't either. That was something Adam understood and it made a sad, crooked smile dance on his lips. So many people had hurt Akira... No wonder he was eager to protect himself. Adam did the same, but usually with violence or clownish antics. Their tactics different, but the meaning the same.

Despite the urge to correct or reassure his boyfriend, Adam remained quiet and listened intently. The last part caused Adam to suck in a sharp breath, his chest freezing in fear and pain. "Do you mean that...? You don't.. you don't want to be with me?"  

[Akira Midoriyama]

"Business men and high-society people are all assholes," Akira said with a pained smile. "So that's how I was raised to be. I'm still trying to learn how not to be one."

His green eyes widened. "What?! No! It's not that I don't want to...more than anything, I..." There were those pesky tears again. He furiously wiped them away once more. "I just don't want to hurt you like that again. Even by accident. I don't want you to be hurt by anyone, Adam - least of all me. You protected me...but this is the only way I can think to protect you. From myself."  

[Magician Arcana]

The fear relaxed some. Choking out a laugh through tears, Adam shook his head, "You idiot... baka." Tears traced his cheeks as he pulled Akira into his arms, holding him tightly as his body cocooned around him.

"I might hurt you too... Even by accident. Isn't that just life? And love?" His voice was unsteady, "You don't have to protect me from yourself. I'd rather die by your side than live without you." Swallowing he took an unsteady breath, "Of course our relationship is real. It isn't a lie."  

[Akira Midoriyama]

Hugging Adam back as tightly as he could, as if he never wanted to let go, Akira buried his face against him and took in everything - his warmth, his voice, his scent, the feel of his body. He never wanted to forget those things.

"I don't presume to know what life is anymore," he chuckled helplessly, hiccuping. "Or love. But...if you can't live without me and I can't without you...I guess the only thing we can do is stick together then, huh?" He pressed against him harder. "No matter what happens."  

[Magician Arcana]

Relief sunk through his bones, unwinding every knot and kink. Even if he was wrapped around Akira he couldn't shake the feeling that the other man was holding him. Holding like Adam was a life raft in a stormy ocean. Gently he carded his fingers through his lovers hair and listened to the declaration.

No matter what, stick together. "Y-yeah..." He squeezed back, feeling the warmth and pressure of the other body reassuring, "I'm worried too, because... The Rockets. And Izaya... I don't want to hurt you either, Kira. Akira, are you sure that's... That's something you're okay with? You're prepared for?" He didn't want to say it, to give the other man the out to say he had enough of the relationship. After all, Adam was troublesome and broken. Was he worth this danger?

"You say you don't deserve me, but I don't deserve you," tears continued to trace his face as he spoke, "I'm putting you at so much risk and for... For me who is broken, dangerous, and worthless."

Words spilled unbidden, escalating in volume and tears as the pain doubled, "And I remind you so much of that a*****e. It really scares me and it hurts when you say that. Like I'm battling a ghost and I don't know how to win. I'm at a loss. And at least he wasn't a hazard to your life! God.. You deserve do much better than me."  

[Akira Midoriyama]

"Baka. The Rockets and Izaya don't scare me other than what they might do to you," Akira said. "I have something - someone to fight for, now, so why should I be afraid? As long as I give it my best, everything will turn out okay." He continued to press his face against the other. "I may get paranoid when it comes to relationships and being emotionally hurt, but that just makes everything else a piece of cake."

Reaching over, he wiped Adam's tears on his shirt. "Oh, stop it. You're talking nonsense. I'm the one who chose this; you're not putting me through anything." The shorter man tip-toed to try to kiss the blonde's forehead.

His smile faded as his boyfriend continued and he stroked Adam's back gently. "Shh...you're not like him. He just comes to mind when I get scared," Akira explained. "It may be true that sometimes you or your actions remind me of him...but usually it's in a good way. Like reminding me what made me fall in love the first time makes me fall in love with you even more." He closed his eyes. "Unlike you, though, he was fake. Everything about him was fake. His name, his motives, his past...whatever I fell in love with was just an illusion. I just worry sometimes that you'll disappear like that too." Akira smiled softly once more. "For you, though, I wouldn't mind risking my life or even dying."  

[Magician Arcana]

A flimsy smile pushed its way through Adam's tears. He coughed a laugh when Akira wiped them away with his shirt and continued to lecture his boyfriend. Sometimes Akira acted so maternally, so instinctual a protector. It was adorable. That flimsy belief, that if Akira tried hard enough it would be okay, could be poked through and destroyed in a moment, but Adam stilled his tongue. It wasn't comfortable, and the truth itched across his skin, wanting and yearning to break out, but the blonde held it at bay firmly. I have to trust him. Even if that's hard. It's easier now, now that he's shown me more of himself.

"Don't go dying on me just to prove it," Adam teased gently, his fingers stroking his beloved's hair, "I.. I understand. That would be painful and awful. I'm so sorry, 'Kira."

The words rested around them like a comforting blanket. While silence and solitude usually worried him, being able to hold Akira in his arms, and likewise be held, was wonderful. "Akira what... uhm... I mean if you don't want to discuss it we don't have to, but... What did happen between you and Izaya?"