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 Posted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 7:39 am
Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing England football shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ....... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.
On reaching the yacht the Queen saw that the three men where Beckham, Rooney & Crouch and went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."
She knighted them and sailed away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows ******** all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up ?"
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Posted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 7:43 am
An Australian, an Irishman and a Glaswegian (From Glasgow, Scotland) are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the
corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them
mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God,
it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters
and a bottle of Buckfast.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks
the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He
reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him
for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God!
The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As
he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a bleedin' miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who knocks over a chair and a
table in trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.
The Glaswegian shouts, "******** off, I'm on disability!"
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Posted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 9:26 am
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Posted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 9:28 am
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Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 2:02 pm
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