|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 7:30 pm
I have been with Jackobo since the day my mother had been buried, two years ago.
He was my fathers best friend.
On that day, it was sunny and beautiful. I just wish that in my own world it felt like and looked like that, but it didnt and I had a feeling it would never be.
It was raining and raining in my view of life. The sky wasnt pouring water though-no not cats and dogs- tears, my tears. But one day the raining had stop. Everything was still the same though when it had been raining, cold, dark, and daunt.
I wanted to cry for her. I just couldnt though, I couldnt even sob, I had cried when I saw her being killed. I was crying when she was singing to me, and when she had finally stopped breathing. I was still crying when my father came home. I had cried all day long and I understood, she was gone...forever. So...I would cry forever. At least, I wanted to, but I couldnt. That was okay, because my heart was crying for her and it always would be.
When we were at her grave I stared at the white rose that was sticking up from the ground, I looked up and saw a huge tree. Right there I realized something, she was in a better place...Anything was better then living...Anything...Even death.
This is from a story that I'm working on.The main character, Oukow, is also my rpc and Jackobo is her pal. Hope you enjoyed the second chapter.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 7:42 pm
That was pretty good, I can picture the scene as if I were there.
That's a lot of crying. O.O;;
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 8:11 pm
pinksugarbaby That was pretty good, I can picture the scene as if I were there.
That's a lot of crying. O.O;; Thanks, blaugh sweatdrop yeah, she was only a little kid tho' when her mom died about 8, I believe.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2006 4:05 am
Pretty good, but you had too many conjuctions beginning sentences (And, but). I dont' mind that occasionally and I even do it, but you may have overdone it a bit.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2006 7:04 am
I liked it! It was descriptive, sad, and well-written.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2006 1:07 pm
Spastic waffles Pretty good, but you had too many conjuctions beginning sentences (And, but). I dont' mind that occasionally and I even do it, but you may have overdone it a bit. alrighto, I shall fix it
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 11:36 am
Spastic waffles Pretty good, but you had too many conjuctions beginning sentences (And, but). I dont' mind that occasionally and I even do it, but you may have overdone it a bit. I need to find a book with parts of speech in it. Do you think should I look under "Grammar"?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 2:22 pm
"I had cried when I saw her been killed." I believe it should have been "Being"
It would read easier
Also.. it seemed a little.. redundant
and you may want to try expanding your word choice
because you used some words alot..a
and after a while.. it feels like you are reading
the same thing over and over again.
Just a few suggestions.
This was good though.
heart -Remy
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 4:51 pm
Okay, I changed it a bit, but It still has it's main idea and stuff. I'm quessing this one's shorter than the other one
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 7:48 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
