|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 2:31 am
It was raining...Though, probably, such circumscription wouldn't be good enough. It was pouring. Along partially sunken streets, in a fast pace, was walking a young man. His clothes were completely bedraggled, his hair was sticking to his face and neck, but he didn't pay attention to that. Upon his good-looking face one could see extreme restlessness, anger...and mutiny. He was walking along as if wanting to run away from something.
"Damn you,damn you all", he was murmuring to himself, not caring that few people were turning around to watch him as he walked by.
At last he reached the destination of his wandering through the city drowning in the rain; the train station. He was going to leave this place once and for all,never come back again, begin a new life. In the station's door he turned once again to face the city.
"Just you wait, I'll show you...", he hissed, then left, parting passer-bys and paying no attention to their resentment.
The story inspired by a song by a Japanese band, Schwarz Stein(now disbanded), titled "Beautiful the Virgin", hence the title of the story. Feedback of any kind is more than welcome, as always. heart
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 11:49 am
Few suggestions.
But the over all story line of this was a great read.
And I love the fact that it was inspired by a song.
"On his good-looking face one could see extreme restlessness, anger and mutiny."
This flowed together a little rough.
I suggest re-wording it.. maybe something along the lines of..
"Upon his quite handsome face, one could see extreme restlessness, answer... and mutiny"
"Few passer-bys were turning around and looking at him as he passed by them.
"Damn you,damn you all", he was murmuring to himself."
I think this also needs to be reworded. The passer-by sentence seems uneeded but if you swtich the order you can make it work.
Like this:
"Damn you, damn you all," he murmured to himself, not caring that few passer-bys were turning around to watch him as he walked by.
Last comment I swear sweatdrop
"At last he reached the destination of his wandering through the city drowning in the rain; the train station."
Just think the comma needss to be a semi-colon.
Thats all.
But I really enjoyed this piece.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 12:27 pm
Thank you so much, I'll correct it.^^
It was supposed to be anger, though...Extreme anger, even. sweatdrop
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 1:33 pm
oh.. hahaha oops.
I meant that..
eek
How did I get answer...
???
lol glad to have been some help
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 2:33 pm
OH! Me like. Me really like.
You've earned 3 cookies! Attack power plus 3!
I also thought it was neat to be inspired by a song. And a japanese song at that.
I love your short stories. I need to start writing those again myself...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 2:46 pm
Cookies! Yum! *nibbles at one* Thank you so much.^_^
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 3:31 pm
Quote: Along partially sunken streets, in a fast pace, was going a young man. maybe change 'going' to a different verb? it sounds a lil shakey. other than that, it's great, I love it. so vengeful <3 and Schwarz Stein! <33333 ;D
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 3:45 pm
Would "walking" be alright?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 10:31 pm
I thought it was great, there were just two things that bugged me.
About the first line, it didn't flow too well...if you want to rephrase as part of the story, like you did, it probably shouldn't be just that cliched line...I think it needs something else, or just scratch the "raining cats and dogs" part altogether.
And passers-by is used a little too often (yes, twice is too much sometimes.) In some cases, it's okay, but it doesn't go well here.
But all-in-all, it was fantastic...I'm sorry, if I was in a better mood I would have endless praise and no comments at all...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Sep 10, 2006 4:09 am
Ah, but comments are good, especially if they're creative. They help. Thank you. 3nodding
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
