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momo_haruko

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Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 7:14 am

Faith

The thorns that once was planted in my heart
Are now vines that held my heart as a whole
Oh how you burnt my doubts apart!
Oh how you portrayed such a role!

Looking back in my life,
I was young and restless.
Always doing what I want,
I never cared for anything but myself.

Doubt and hatred filled my innocent heart,
Influenced be the epidemic gloom of the world.
Not knowing where to go,
I find myself losing track of life

That’s until I stumble upon your grace
A love that’s unseemingly true
It was then that I got the strength to see
The one that you destined me to be

~>need comments.. want to know what you guys think.. if there are some points that don't seem to make sense, please tell me.. tnx!

Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 10:53 am

I like the message, but I'm not sure that I like the poem. To my way of thinking it doesn't flow as well as I'd like.

Gomenroia

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Voxxx

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Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 2:16 pm

The thorns that once was planted in my heart
Are now vines that held my heart as a whole
Oh how you burnt my doubts apart!
Oh how you portrayed such a role!

Verb confusion. Try "were."

I really do like the idea, the scheme was just a bit off in a few places. 3nodding

Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 6:55 pm

Gomenroia

I like the message, but I'm not sure that I like the poem. To my way of thinking it doesn't flow as well as I'd like.

That's what i thought too. I posted this poem because I thought that there must be something wrong with it. Thanks for the comment!

momo_haruko

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momo_haruko

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Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 6:58 pm

Voxxx

The thorns that once was planted in my heart
Are now vines that held my heart as a whole
Oh how you burnt my doubts apart!
Oh how you portrayed such a role!

Verb confusion. Try "were."

I really do like the idea, the scheme was just a bit off in a few places. 3nodding

Ok. Thanks so much! I think I wrote it without thinking of how I made use of the words.

Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 7:06 pm

Could you break this down for me? Maybe explain who you are talking to/about.

Also, after a second read, there's some tense confusion as well...

If you are looking back in your life then it should be 'Always doing what I wanted' shouldn't it? Also 'I find myself losing tack of life' should maybe be found instead of find. OR that comma shuold be a period. That phrase could work either way with eitehr a verb correction or punctuation correction.

And by break it down I mean rewrite the poem in one colour and then explain the phrase (not necessarily the line) in a different one. That's how I'd do it, although just saying 'Stanza ones means this' would work too.

Gomenroia

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momo_haruko

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Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 8:04 pm

I see.. Ok I'll try to do that.

Welcome to Gaia! ::

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