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 Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 9:07 pm
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Three parts.
Part One: Initial Attraction
Sara Barkins toyed absently with her hair as she sat before the mirror, her heart pounding. She had set her laptop on the vanity next to the brush, which she picked up for the hundredth time and ran through her curly, red-brown hair. She stared unseeingly at the open AIM window, waiting for the message with the name in red. He was taking far too long to respond…he hadn’t forgotten, had he?
The IM’s scroll bar was very small; they’d been talking for a couple of hours, now, and Sara hadn’t minded toggling the conversation, her Calculus homework, and her Literature essay all at once. It was worth it, and anyway, Ryan obviously had a lot to do too.
The guitar solo from some Linkin Park song blared from the tinny speakers, exactly what she had been waiting to hear. She read the message with a zeal bordering ecstasy.
RyanHenderson009: Sorry about that, Sara. I’m a little busy.
She tried not to go for overeager, or even borderline desperate, but it was hard.
SweetasSugarSara: No problem. I have homework anyway.
RyanHenderson009: Uh-oh. Will you be done before I pick you up?
SweetasSugarSara: That depends on when you will be picking me up, the ratio of minutes:my work speed, the difficulty of the questions, and, of course, whether you care or not.
RyanHenderson009: I can lie and say I do, but I don’t. I can also lie and say I didn’t understand a word of that, since you were obviously trying to confuse me…
RyanHenderson009: But see, what I’m worried about is if you can leave before your work’s done.
SweetasSugarSara: Well, I can’t honestly say I care much either…and I didn’t think it would confuse you, to tell you the truth. If it did, I’d’ve signed off by now.
RyanHenderson09: That’s cold, Sara…
SweetasSugarSara: No, what’s cold is the entire world tonight. You pick absolutely the worst times to go out, Ryan. It must be Absolute Zero out there…
RyanHenderson09: Well, see, THAT isn’t my fault. I could’ve sworn the news didn’t predict absolute zero in West Texas…I think I’d remember the Apocalypse if they showed it on the weather channel.
SweetasSugarSara: You did it on purpose, I bet, so a certain someone would have to get a little closer and leave perfume on your jacket when she steals it from you…Boys are all the same.
RyanHenderson09: That’s preposterous…the jacket’s big enough for us to share.
SweetasSugarSara: And the rest?
RyanHenderson09: Mm…I thought it’d just be rhetorical to ask how you knew so much…and how exactly do you know what boys will do when it’s very, very cold out? Any secrets, Miss Sara? Or IS it Miss…?
SweetasSugarSara: Well, you see, when a girl is always right, she can’t really do much save read a lot of romance novels and pretend to listen to her boy-crazy friends.
RyanHenderson09: Oh yeah, gotta love those romance novels…such beautiful endings…
SweetasSugarSara: Blaaaaackmail…
RyanHenderson09: Saaaarcasm…
RyanHenderson09: I’m coming to pick you up; be there in ten minutes. Finish your homework, young lady.
SweetasSugarSara: Yessir, right away, sir, don’t die in the blizzard, sir…
RyanHenderson09: Let’s hope not, we’ve got a movie to catch.
SweetasSugarSara: Oh, and by the way…
RyanHenderson09: Go on.
SweetasSugarSara: …I’m not giving that jacket back until you take me to the fires of hell, Ryan Henderson.
RyanHenderson09: Well, see, the problem with that is that I lose a perfectly good jacket in the bargain…they’d never let me in, even to the little demon bonfire on level one…
Sara laughed aloud.
SweetasSugarSara: Just don’t be late.
RyanHenderson09 signed off at 9:32 p.m.
SweetasSugarSara: Good boy.
Sara twirled on her little stool, reading over the entire AIM conversation and feeling like an air-starved swimmer, complete with heart-poundings and head-spinnings. She hopped from the vanity, grabbing a brush and counting strokes as she gave herself a last-minute check over. The second date called for more formal attire, of course; she’d gone with a Chinese-print tunic and leggings, complete with boots and chopsticks for her hair, if she ever got around to pulling it up. Only seventy-three more strokes until, supposedly, her hair was ten times shinier…
Sixty-two strokes later, Sara grew bored and twisted her hair up, letting a few strands fall from the messy tangle of beaded chopsticks and auburn hair. She studied it in the mirror; as good as she could make it, though nowhere near Ryan standards. With someone like that, even Cinderella’s ball gown wouldn’t be quite good enough.She gave up on her appearance after awhile and settled with playing the piano a little to cal her nerves. The living room was close but not too close to the front door, perfect for waiting, but not really waiting. A perfect feminine game to play.
Halfway through her piano teacher’s suggested piece for the week, she grew bored of the monotony and started playing classical music by memory. It could’ve been anything from Ludwig von Beethoven to Nobou Uematsu…she just let her fingers do what they wanted. The time slid away, and when she paused for a moment to give her fingers a rest, she shot a habitual glance at the driveway to check and see if he was here…and saw his beat-up Chevy pickup idling in front of the house.
She jumped and ran to the door, but stopped herself a few feet away and walked composedly into view. Ryan was leaning on the doorframe, arms folded against the chill, but other than that he seemed perfectly at ease. She opened the door, and only then did he turn to face her. He had on a different-colored shirt this time, long-sleeved, but the same worn jeans, and his gelled hair fell gracefully into his eyes.
“Hey,” she said breathlessly. “Sorry…I was…”
He smiled reassuringly at her, offering her his hand. She took it, allowing him to lead her to the passenger’s side of the Chevy and open her door for her. “What song was that?” he inquired, sliding behind the wheel. “Something from a video game?”
“I’m not sure…I was just playing…were you listening…?”
He shrugged, backing slowly out of her driveway with the practiced ease of an expert. “I couldn’t very well do anything else,” he muttered distractedly, glancing behind the truck’s bed. “I did my best to get here on time, y’know…broke the speed limit and everything…”
She doubted it; she had only been in the car twice with him, and she could already tell that he was the best driver she’d ever find, no matter where and how long she searched.
“…last thing I expected was to be locked out…”
“You could’ve come in, you know…it was open.”
“And interrupt you? Hell no.”
She smiled, hastily looking out the dark window as she felt her cheeks grow warm. “Well then,” she reasoned, “don’t complain. It was your fault, anyway…you should’ve known hell would freeze over, you watched the news yesterday.”
“Day before…and hell wasn’t mentioned.”
“Where’re we going, Ryan?”
“Movie,” he said evasively.
“Well, of course…which one?”
“Whichever one you want.”
“You pick.”
“Memoirs of a Geisha.”
She laughed. “Read the book already…good, but a little sad. Let’s see something happy.”
“Name it, I’ll buy the tickets…”
“Hey, actually…I got it tonight.”
“Thanks, but no.”
“No, really, it’s fine…”
He kept his eyes on the road. “You pick, Sara, and I’ll buy. You can pay if you want, but then I’m getting a documentary…or Jackass 2.”
He was teasing, but Jackass 2 didn’t sound too romantic.
“Alright, I’ll pick.”
He half-smiled in triumph; he knew her too well.
Sara and Ryan both were seniors at the St. Mary’s Catholic High School in San Antonio, two constants in the school’s Top Five, with Sara usually battling for number two while Ryan stayed unopposed as number one. She’d never seen him before this year, when she’d sat beside him in Chemistry and told him he was drawing the Legend of Zelda Triforce all wrong. Quite unused to being corrected, he had watched, mouth agape, as she drew a perfect replica, with a little ocarina to boot. They’d been friends until he’d asked her on a date a month ago and stolen her first kiss.
Since then, the only reactions she’d gotten, when people asked her who she was dating, was “Ryan who?”
Ryan had been the class’s anonymous kid since freshman year. He was the person about which everyone in their grade, when confronted about his identity, said, invariably, “Oh, yeah. Isn’t he the number one?”
That was it. He joined no clubs, no teams, no extracurricular activities whatsoever. How he got his service hours every year was a mystery no mortal had ever solved. He never got in trouble, he was never student of the month—that required a positive attitude, of which he showed little—and he had no friends. He had had one, once, but no more; now, she was his girlfriend, completely beyond friendship.
All of Sara’s friends had disapproved of him from the start, after learning who he was—“He’s too iffy,” they had declared. “See how he stays away from everyone? Tch.” They had shaken their heads wisely. “Trouble.” They had told Sara she was making a huge mistake, and gave her two weeks before he either dumped her, screwed her up with drugs or liquor, or stole her heart and ran.
Sara since her junior year had been known as “untouchable,” though she was the last to find out, and had a very good reputation for being sweet, kind, and innocent in every way…but no one besides Ryan would have guessed that he was the first boy to ever ask her out on a date. Their first date was like catching up on four or five years missing from her love life, and just as her friends had predicted, he stole her heart…but far from abandoning her, he had become the closest thing she had ever had to a true, honest-to-God friend…until he had asked her, very formally, to be his girlfriend. And everyone knew a dating couple could never be considered “friends.”
They had both agreed that it sucked. Abut then Ryan had said that he wouldn’t tell if she wouldn’t, and life had moved on.
“We can pick the movie after dinner,” Ryan decided, with a hint of satisfied finality.
“Ooh, dinner too? Well, you’re just full of surprises…first hell freezes over, then you break the speed limit, and now dinner! What next? Are we perhaps catching the premiere of Jackass 2?”
“Nah, it’s already on video, Sara…but thanks for the idea,” he added thoughtfully. “I know one we can see…”
“Which one?”
“No, you pick. If you can’t think of one, I’ll surprise you.”
“Surprises, surprises…so how’s your week been?”
“Mm, same old…Spring break in another week, though…”
“Yeah, I can’t wait…”
Slowly, their small talk turned to a comfortable, back-and-forth discussion; nothing deep, nothing personal, but completely honest and finely detailed, and before they knew it, they were at the restaurant.
It was nothing very fancy, just a little Mexican restaurant off the main street… Carmelita’s…Ryan bribed her with his jacket if they could sit outside, by themselves, and she agreed readily enough. They took a table for two, Ryan’s heavy lettermen jacket burying her in its depths. He didn’t seem to mind the cold, though it had to be at least 45 degrees out here…without it, she could see the outline of his arms and chest, narrow but unusually lithe. She knew he seemed scrawny to anyone else, but she wasn’t fooled; his triceps were corded with thick muscle. He either lifted iron bars after school or was very used to defending himself—and winning—any fight that came his way.
After about ten minutes, a waitress scurried outside, a thick coat over her employee polo, and inquired, with chattering teeth, what exactly they would like.
“Um…whatcha want, Sara?”
She cast her eyes upward, as if thinking about it, giving him a flippant smile and batting her eyelashes. “Oh, whatever, baby, you know what I like.”
He rolled his eyes and ordered something for them to share; she didn’t really care what. Suddenly, quite contrary to about twenty minutes ago, she didn’t feel very hungry at all. Maybe she was just being naïve at this whole dating thing, but…he was making her a little nervous, and she was afraid she’d do something stupid and mess everything up. He seemed to have no such qualms.
“Pick a movie yet?”
“Don’t RUSH me, boy. I’m thinkin’.”
“Well, think faster.”
“My brain’s frozen…gimme a minute…”
“59…58…”
“Ryan…”
Their food came out a few minutes later; the waitress almost dropped it, her fingers numb. Fajitas, she noticed, and not chicken, either.
“Might as well get something hot,” he muttered, watching the steam disappear above their heads.
“Ooh, no chicken. How’d you know?”
“Oh, well after all, ‘the chicken is by far the most abused animal on the planet Ryan, how can you EAT that stuff?’”
“Well, they are!”
“No they’re not…”
“Ooh yes they are, you wouldn’t BELIEVE what they put in McDonalds food, they—”
“McDonalds? Get real…”
“Yes, McDonalds! I don’t know how anyone can eat there—”
“Well, I’d take a free Big Mac anytime…wouldn’t you?”
“No!”
They argued over this for several minutes while the food slowly disappeared, and Sara forgot all about being nervous. The plate was empty, her stomach full.
“Some cow had to die for that, y’know,” Ryan said solemnly, eyes twinkling.
“You just never give up, do you?”
“Well, it’s not fair to the cows…it’s like the Chik-Fil-A thing, only backwards…”
“I’ve gotta eat something. I mean, they’re all slaughtered and everything, but with chickens it’s just RIDICULOUS…”
“Okay, okay,” he interrupted gently. “I get it…you cold?”
“No,” she replied sarcastically. “I mean, it’s only…y’know, -459°…”
“C’mon, Sara…we’ve still got about 500 degrees before we hit absolute zero.”
“But we’ve got ten ‘till water freezes, and none until I turn into an icicle.”
“A very pretty icicle, though…”
She felt her cheeks grow warm again, and was glad it was dark. He seemed to know exactly what to say and when to say it at all times, in all situations. It bothered her, just a little.
“Hey.”
“Hmm?”
“You ever had a girlfriend before?”
He seemed to stiffen, giving her an odd look, as if wondering if she was mocking him in some way. “I’m sorry?”
“Or, well…” She hesitated, suddenly wishing she’d never said anything. “Like, kissed another girl, or something?”
“Jealous, are we?” His tone was careful, cautious.
“N-no…I just wanted to know…’s all.”
“Oh.” He turned his eyes away, and the atmosphere tensed. “No,” he said at last. “No girlfriend, no kissing, no nothing.”
“Oh…” She felt herself smiling, and stopped. “Well, all right then.”
“Don’t laugh,” he complained, seeing her trying not to smile. “Yeah, it’s weird…since I’m eighteen already, but—”
“I’m not laughing. I’m seventeen,” she said firmly, smile fading. “And I haven’t either.”
“You’re kidding.”
“Nope.”
“No way.” He seemed genuinely surprised, as if she was far too fantastic in every way to be single for so long. She flushed.
“Yes way. I think it’s because everybody in the entire school thought I was dating everybody else. Or maybe I’m just boring…”
“Don’t say that,” he told her reproachfully. “You’re not boring…DAMN, that’s weird…”
“No it isn’t,” she muttered under her breath, feeling undeserving of his praise. “Not any weirder than YOUR situation, I might add…”
“Enough about that,” he said hastily. “You pick a movie, Miss Sara?”
“No! And quit bugging me about it…”
“Well, pick one!”
“Why? You had a great one lined up…”
“Yea-ah, but see, I’m a guy, you’re not. My great and your great’d be different, so you pick.”
“No, I’ll go with yours…whatever it is.”
He grinned. “I think you’ll be surprised…”
She was.
When the Chevy slid into the streetlight-washed parking lot, and they walked up to the box office, his arm around her shoulders, he went right up to the man behind the counter and asked for two tickets for 300, please. She stared at him.
“300? What in the name of Brad Pitt is 300…?”
And then she walked into the lobby and saw a giant poster of a Greek guy, in armor and toting a spear, standing in the middle of some bloody battlefield.
“You’re kidding.”
“Nope.”
“A war movie? Like, the kind of war movie that’s so bloody they’re forced to give it an R rating?”
“Don’t be silly, it’s for sex, too.”
“You’re kidding.”
“Surprised?”
“Very.”
“You wanna see it though? Seriously…I heard it’s good. As in, amazing, mind-boggling, great, kind of good.”
She thought about it, though she was not about to tell him no, take me home this minute. She’d actually heard it was the greatest thing since sliced bread, too.
“Sure.”
He beamed, taking her hand and leading her to Theater 7, where they got two seats right at the top.
“That way,” he explained, “we can make out and not bother anyone, really…”
She laughed, drawing his jacket closer to her shoulders in the drafty theater and watching some guy on the screen drink Coke. The conversation between them slowed a little, and her thoughts turned to something that shouldn’t bother her, but did…
For one thing, he’d avoided the subject of girlfriends pretty fast. It didn’t surprise her, really…he’d been pretty shy when he had asked her out, and perhaps more nervous than she on their first date…maybe he was just shy about girls, but all the same, it made her wonder.
And for another, as ridiculous as it sounded to make such a big deal over it…he hadn’t left a tip. He’d just counted out the exact change, set it on the table, and left. She was sure it was an accident, but it was completely unfair…that poor waitress had gone outside in the freezing cold to serve them, and he didn’t even leave a couple of dollars for her. When he wasn’t looking, she set the corner of a five beneath her glass, so it wouldn’t blow away in the bitter wind, and followed him out. She hated to think of her Ryan as stingy or even just rude, but it was a pretty cold thing to do.
However, she let it slip from her mind as the previews started and the theater grew dark. Ryan’s arm tightened around her shoulder, pulling her closer, his cheek resting on her hair. The movie began.
Some two hours later, they emerged into the harsh yellow radiance of the streetlights, wowing over the film.
“That was AMAZING,” she giggled, balancing childishly on the curb. “Spartans!” she imitated, thrusting a fist in the air. “What is your profession?”
“No, no, no,” he corrected, “you gotta be more forceful. Think Steelios.”
“Steelios…Steelios…All right. Now where’s someone I can jump over?”
He laughed, amused. “Liked it?”
“Loved it! You always have such nice surprises.”
He smiled, and without a word leaned down and kissed her. She returned the gesture, out of pure instinct.
“Like that one,” she said weakly, his eyes, an inch away, locked onto hers. He held her there for a few heart-pounding moments, then sighed, his breath ruffling her hair, and pulled back.
“Guess I’d better take you home,” he said resignedly, sounding as if straight after, he would be witness to his own execution.
“All right,” she agreed, though no less enthusiastic. She was tired, certainly, but she had no desire to make the night end so soon. Still, no need to press herself onto him. If he wanted to go home, then fine, she’d get a call from him tomorrow, and that would be that.
They rode in silence, neither of them wanting to separate, though they didn’t say it aloud. The Chevy rolled over a bump in the road, its old engine complaining in a rusty monotone.
“Low on gas,” Ryan murmured as an explanation, checking the meter, which hovered dangerously close to E. “Dammit.”
She said nothing, and before she had realized it, they were only a block from the turnoff into her street. A song played quietly from the radio, “5 Minutes to Midnight” by Boys Like Girls.
Turn it up…it’s 5 minutes to midnight, you’re coming home with me tonight…
“Do you have anything else to do?” he asked her suddenly. “I mean like, in the morning, that you need sleep for?”
“No,” she replied, mystified as to his point.
“Anyone expecting you home?”
She snorted. “As if.”
“Where’re your parents?”
“I stopped asking them, and truthfully, I don’t care. They won’t be back until tomorrow afternoon, I bet…Why?” she asked suspiciously.
“Well, I was wondering…” The turn was coming up, and his blinker was not on; he was not even slowing down.
“Hey, you’ll miss it…”
“You want to come home with me tonight?”
“I…wha…?”
She stared at him. He kept his eyes on the road, and her street flicked past them.
“Huh?”
“I said,” he repeated slowly, his knuckles white on the wheel, “d’you want to come home with me?”
It threw her off…she had no idea what to say. He kept his silence, giving her plenty of time to think. Which she did.
Come home with him…that could mean any number of things, among them kidnap, rape, murder, popcorn and old movies, and any method of torture he had hidden in his house. It was one thing to have a slumber party with girls, but it was quite another to spend the night in your boyfriend’s house…presumably, alone. It could mean anything…
…including talking with Ryan all night long, never having to leave, finding out more about him, sleeping beside him…
…this could really be horrible, or be absolutely great. Knowing Ryan, she was leaning heavily toward the latter.
“Okay,” she said simply. He glanced at her quickly before turning back to the road.
“Really?”
“Mm-hmm…”
“You’re sure? I mean, your room’s probably bigger than mine and—”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“All right…” She saw a hint of a pure, sincere smile on his face.
“Your parents home?”
“What parents?”
She gaped at him, mouth falling open. “What’re you—?”
“I’m just kidding,” he said hastily. “They’re a little like yours; never around.”
“A little? Sounds like they’re exactly the same.”
“Well, that would suck. You can’t date your sister…”
She smiled, but inwardly, her heart was pounding at the mere idea of spending more than five minutes completely alone with him, with no one else around.
“Hey, Ryan…?”
She was about to demand to be taken back, she’d force the wheel form him if she had to, even if it meant losing him forever. No way, no way, no way…
“Yeah?”
Something in his voice made all her doubts vanish at once…it was Ryan. There was nothing to be scared of.
“Never mind.”
End Part One.
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 5:04 pm
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 5:08 pm
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 5:29 pm
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 6:05 pm
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 6:15 pm
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KirbyVictorious ONly the mentally disabled need hooks. It's just a short. You start it where it starts.
short my butt, and dont call your readers that!
-hehe-
if you cant keep me interested its as good as
Dear Beef jerky jack,
I like beef jerky, very
very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,
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very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,..[500 more ]
very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very much |
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 6:18 pm
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 6:34 pm
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 6:54 pm
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 7:15 pm
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 7:41 pm
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KirbyVictorious He shrugged, turning and flopping onto the bed. “Why does anyone start drinking? It makes you feel better, makes you forget stuff. It’s not too bad, if you take away the headache.” He turned on the N64, and the piano/ocarina prelude filled the room form the tinny speakers. “Don’t worry, though,” he assured her. “I don’t drink and drive, ever. And I’m not an alcoholic.” “But you’ve drunken these before.” “Who hasn’t?” he replied carelessly. “I haven’t.”
sorry kirbs i goda stop there. it is well written but i cant stand the human nature and context flaws any more ( they're pretty much one and the same but ill get to the point)
you havent put much thought into why the boy was there but only thought into how this would affect the girl, and so you flew off the handle about how messed up hiis enviorment was. thats fine but...... you see that boy cant be there, he doesnt make sense.
Hes poor and yet he goes to a prep school. He's recently had parents ( and more notably a mother, with money) within the last few years ( four give or take) and despite being depressed he some how lives alone, even though a child ( and even a teenager) whos lost family ( and this one's apparently lost all of them, or hes left with a really mean father, but i dont think hes his father, it doesnt seem like it anyways, its not his boss like he said it was. you could be making a poper refference like in oliver twist but your still ignoring context) would be unbelievably devistated, especially this kid couse apparently he had a family long enough to take a few apointments to the orthadontists' office ( if thats the correct spelling)
he could have a fortune but that still doesnt make sense because the courts wouldnt grant him any money if he was a minor when he lost his parents, they would send him to a foster home or to a relative, in which case he would still be messed up like he should be now and he should be making trouble in school and he shouldnt be in a private school (public schools do not have uniforms i dont care which one you go to it just wont fly, your dealing with to many unmotivated kids with not alot to lose and there not going to take s**t like that, especially in one this kid should be able to afford.)
This kid should be ten shades of horribly deppresed and yet he seems so apethetic about it. Its like hes ignoring all human nature-logic, and to do that you would have to be incredibly peacful and incredibly insightful and you would have to see things for what they really were, and you wouldnt be drinking or smoking because you would be released from worldly impluse, but thats after you got over the depresion, and this kid would be AMAZING, no more then amazing he would be exceptional if he could do all of that after losing his family.
this kid doesnt make sense at all! If you can pull some amazing explination for his behavior out of thin air ill be impressed but really this kid's grade A fictional.
ermm sorry i liked the rest of it though. It was well written just like i said, its just you have to pay a little more attention to the context.
kirbs your best bet is with the super hero trend but you have a lot of work to do if that's so, first off you have to rip out that whole beginning, add a bit of forshadowing, a few of hints and refferences, oh and also you would have to reveal the class difference with more subdlty ( not a clue how to spell that at the moment- im terribly tired) your story's riddled with plot holes and ambivilance at the moment. Im sorry again sad ( i read the rest of it by the way.) |
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 8:02 pm
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 8:17 pm
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KirbyVictorious Well, for one thing, you don't live where I live. And for another thing, I am the GODDESS. I know all things. I have a plan. It's very simple too. But if you must know, he never had a mom. He lost his dad when he was thirteen. He's eighteen now. Horribly depressed happened a few years back. And anyway, no one ever said he wasn't depressed or suicidal. He got braces when he was 11. I got 'em when I was nine, so I think it's all right. It's you that doesn't quite understand human nature. Apathy is common in my stories. It's a method of protection. Just as his remaining anonymous in school is. And besides that, if he gets noticed he'll get in trouble. No one ever said his position was legal did they? And he's not incredibly peaceful or insightful. He's just a boy.
ahhh but you see only mom's care about teeth. also wheres his father? and i never said you didnt understand human nature ( please read, dont skim ) i said you got the context wrong.
also, schools are stingint about legal stuff and they dont really like freeloaners ( or even people who just go there because its conveinent and they really shouldnt be going there. I should know it was my moms job investigate the kids that did it, and it wasnt just the bad kids or the kids who came to schools from the city because none of the schools there were any good, it was ANYONE who disobeyed strict policy. )
this kid is still looking like a super hero though, sorry sad I just dont see how this kid could be functioning right now, or how living with this apparently neglectful dad could produce him. Unless he was a geniuos of some sort, which is still fickle.
i dono, you were right though; the middle got interesting. |
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Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 3:42 pm
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