Critique Fest '07

[xXxFollowMexXx]

Ok, I'm new here, I have yet to get the chance to get to critique anyones work, and frankly I'm too damn lazy to search through tons of threads for stories to read. Post your work here, I will give feedback. Forewarning: I will not give much feedback based on your use of grammar, since I am no Grammar Nazi. Just a spelling one sweatdrop . I will however do my best at reviewing your work.

This is not necessary for a review from me, but if you wouldn't mind I will post works of mine that I would enjoy having critiqued in here. Of course you can review eachothers work in this thread as well, not much of a fest with only one person now is it?

I saw no forum for this type of thing, if there is please redirect me, like I said, I'm new to this guild.  

[xXxFollowMexXx]

To kick it off, here is a story of mine that recently lost miserably in a contest I entered. It is a little over a year old, but I've edited it a few times over the years. I would appreciate critiques, but like I said, its not necessary to review my work to get me to review yours.

The Office

*click, click, click*

It caught, the third time, always the third damn time. I let the smoke fill my lungs, I exhale slowly, leaning up against the wall. Its raining, always raining, always raining in this hellhole called a city. I feel like an animal, I’m close, I’m a smoker. I’m surprised there isn’t a smoker hunting season these days.

My hair is wet; the water is dripping into my eyes. I’ve had enough of this, I throw the cigarette to the ground. I head back inside, passing by other smokers, huddled together desperately trying to get one last puff in before they can’t stand it anymore. I push through the revolving door, taking my jacket off and draping it over my arm, off to my cubicle.

“Hey Michael!” I hear a familiar voice, I hope I know it from somewhere else, hesitantly I turn around. Nope, damn.

“Hello Ray” I sigh, just the sight of the man disgusts me, the tacky Hawaiian shirt, the “best dad ever” hat, the light up tie. It makes me want to puke.

“Did you hear the news??” he says excitedly, almost jumping up and down, almost. He doesn’t look like he’s been able jumped since the 3rd grade.

“What news?” I ask sighing again, already knowing what the answer is. I try not to look at his horrible toupee or huge rimless glasses.

“Layoffs! We’re all ********!” he practically screamed in my ear.

What a surprise, “Well that’s very interesting Ray, but I’ve got some work to do, so I’ll talk to you later” I say, desperate to get out of the conversation, I move away too fast for him to stop me. As I step into the elevator I can still hear him ranting.

I press the button, floor 12, the doors close in front of me. The elevator dips slightly and starts going up, my brain starts to register the “music” on the elevator speakers. I feel like ripping my ears off and I contemplate smashing the speakers with my bare hands, then there is a ding and the doors open. Walking out I start to wonder why there have been so few elevator suicides.

I shuffle over to my cubicle, head low, still dripping wet. I follow the same path as every other day, 20 steps forward, 30 steps left, 10 steps forward, 3 steps right and I’m there. I look out across the rest of the cubicle land; it must be nearing 5:00. Almost no one is still actually working. With their heads out over their cubicles, they look like gophers. The thought makes me laugh, luckily nobody notices. I ease myself into my office chair and tap the keyboard to make the screen-saver go away. I check the clock, 4:45. I look over some spread sheets and check my e-mail. 1 message, from Aida, I hope its good news; I should learn not to hope. She just broke up with me, not surprising really; we’ve barely talked at all in the last couple weeks. I check the clock again, its 5:00. Thank god.

I shut down all my open windows, and then shut down my computer. Grabbing my coat, I head out back to the elevator, it’s full now. Upon reaching the lobby, I hide myself in a group of people, desperate to escape Ray. I push through the revolving doors back out onto the sidewalk, its raining, always ******** raining.

I hail a taxi and get in the back, after telling the driver my address we head off. The driver can barely speak English. I look at his taxi driver license I try to find a vowel, I can’t. He drops me off, I give him $10 and tell him to keep the change. Taking out my keys, I try to find the one I need. After a minute or two I find it and open the door. I throw the keys on the desk by the door, then throw my coat over them. I close the door.

I grab the tv remote and turn it on to the news, depressing as always. I grab the pills my shrink told me I need to take. I dump some random amount of pills into my hand, swallow them, and wash them down with some water. I plop down onto the couch and slowly fall asleep.

The next day, the obituary lists a cubicle worker who overdosed on prescription medication, nobody notices and nobody cares. Life goes on.  

[KirbyVictorious]

Let me give you a basic outline: Long stuff is in Works in Progress, poetry in Poetry, shorts go here on the fornt page. The rest is for you to explore, as it's basically...not writing. ><

You're free to post your own shorts here, but pleaaaaaasssseee don't post things in the wrong place! It's so hard to move posts. sweatdrop

Anyway, the story was...well, the ending was a surprise. I liked it though! It was really good! Though, if it were me I would have obsessed over this character and made it about five times longer. But then that would have screwed it up.

I loved it. It was a little messy at points, with commas and odd phrasing, but nothing epidemic. i really like your style. >< It's very different from all the 15 year olds I've ever seen, much more mature, so good for you. ><  

[Tak-Jak]

Kirby.. You hardly can give him directions.

Since you plan to be a critic.. we have an Advice forum. What you can do instead is make a topic there saying you will edit things (though it is much easier to just comment on other members) and leave this topic in the main page for our reviews.  

[xXxFollowMexXx]

KirbyVictorious

Let me give you a basic outline: Long stuff is in Works in Progress, poetry in Poetry, shorts go here on the fornt page. The rest is for you to explore, as it's basically...not writing. ><

You're free to post your own shorts here, but pleaaaaaasssseee don't post things in the wrong place! It's so hard to move posts. sweatdrop

Anyway, the story was...well, the ending was a surprise. I liked it though! It was really good! Though, if it were me I would have obsessed over this character and made it about five times longer. But then that would have screwed it up.

I loved it. It was a little messy at points, with commas and odd phrasing, but nothing epidemic. i really like your style. >< It's very different from all the 15 year olds I've ever seen, much more mature, so good for you. ><

Thank you very much for that review, and for letting me know how things are set up around here. I like to focus on style more than actual grammatical perfection, so I'm glad to know you liked the story. 3nodding  

[KirbyVictorious]

emo

Oh, on an evil streak are we, Vice Captain?

Why don't we just post a road map, huh? It's soooooo much better than a li'l Kirby.  

[Tak-Jak]

Can hardly call this an evil streak loverly. But everyone wants order.. so here it is. Everyone want it it be active.. this is how.

I shall stop if that is what everyone wants.  

[KirbyVictorious]

Stop what, being needlessly cruel to the most active moderator you have? gonk

I have the most posts in the guild too! I think.  

[Tak-Jak]

Only because it is spam.. Not reviews.  

[KirbyVictorious]

stare

There is a need for pointlessness in the world. I learn more about people from spam, and what else am I here for anyway? Certainly not to get critique on my novel...sigh.

Don't get too much of that. I mean, lately yes, because I've been writing my a** off and now I'm monologueing so I'll stop.  

[Tak-Jak]

Just stressin' loverly.. sorry.

And I apologise to you Ni. I come into your thread and fail to answer your need for reviewing. Everything I put in red needs to be taken out.. and blue needs to be added. Just found a few places where you need a comma..

“Hello Ray,” I sigh, just the sight of the man disgusts me, the tacky Hawaiian shirt, the “best dad ever” hat, the light up tie. It makes me want to puke.

“Did you hear the news??” he says excitedly, almost jumping up and down, almost. He doesn’t look like he’s been able jumped since the 3rd grade.

“What news?” I ask sighing again, already knowing what the answer is. I try not to look at his horrible toupee or huge rimless glasses.

“Layoffs! We’re all ********!” he practically screamed in my ear.

What a surprise, “Well that’s very interesting Ray, but I’ve got some work to do, so I’ll talk to you later,” I say, desperate to get out of the conversation, I move away too fast for him to stop me. As I step into the elevator I can still hear him ranting.


Anyways, that is all I found. But I really do like the overall feel and insight of this piece. You mentioned it is your style to write with your thoughts and it really was portreyed here. It worked marvolously.  

[KirbyVictorious]

Agreed!

Tak is an excellent editor, as mentioned before.

Can't really add to that.  

[Tak-Jak]

My grade depends on my skills to edit.  

[KirbyVictorious]

><  

[Voxxx]

What does 'Yarb' mean? Is it like a secret password? I love secrets!

Anyways, about the story. I liked it. It had a nice flow, and your style was consistent throughout, allowing for a more organized piece with a slightly oblique feel. The only thing that caught my writer OCD-ocity was

“Did you hear the news??” he says excitedly, almost jumping up and down, almost. He doesn’t look like he’s been able jumped since the 3rd grade.


That line. It was just a touch unclear. Able-jumped? Or able to jump?