[FIN] Unexpected Finds

[TawnyAngel]

Abel really believed it and he didn't think he could convince him otherwise, and he didn't want to either. This was all a dream, a good dream in which he was somebody who could be all of those things or close enough to them and he didn't want it to end but sometimes, now, the dissonance between what he knew he was and what he wanted to be felt as though it could tear him apart. Molly's smile had been so kind, and her face so sweet.

And how could he possibly answer Abel? "I must be," he repeated because he didn't have another response. He tried to think of another as he held tightly to Abel, some way to explain the pent up turmoil without saying too much. "How could I be those things truthfully?" he pieced together eventually, and though it had taken some time for him to think of it when he actually said it he wasn't sure if it even made sense.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

"Well..." His brows furrowed a bit as he thought of how best to respond. "Why do you think you're not those things?"  

[TawnyAngel]

"I'm not."

The words sounded as though they had been torn out of Zevran from somewhere far deeper than his throat. They felt it to him too; his chest perhaps where his aching vicious heart beat, or his guts whose instincts had helped him survive so many close calls and yet which now told him he should turn and run and not look back when that was the very last thing he wanted.

"I was taught to seem those things," he added eventually. "To seem but not to be. I cannot be someone like her, how could I be?"  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Once again Abel found himself feeling anger at the people who had forced Zevran to be this way, to be a good obedient little tool that did as he was told, acted and behaved and thought as instructed while simultaneously crushing anything he would've been had he had the chance to grow up normally. What kind of person would he have been?

Not that it mattered since no one could change the past, but especially not because even if the past could be changed, it would almost assuredly end up with neither of them ever meeting, let alone dating. ...that was selfish of him to think though, so he pushed such thoughts aside for now.

There were more important matters to address -- matters he had no idea how to address. "I think from what you were taught growing up, it's understandable to think that. But seeming like those things and being those things are very different, though I'm sure you know that already," he said, picking his words with care. "Acting that way or seeming like you are or pretending to be those things -- that isn't real, that isn't sincere. But actually being that way because you want to be and not because you need to be for some specific reason.. that's sincere, that's real." But surely he must know that already? Was this even helping at all? "Even if you were never sincerely those things before, who's to say that you can't change? Or that you haven't changed? You could be those things now, if you want to be." Even if he already was, or at least was starting to be.  

[TawnyAngel]

He did want to be, but; "How do I know I am sincere? If I have changed? And even if I am and have it doesn't change the past." Zevran swallowed hard again and tried to pressed himself closer to Abel.

"She would be better for you," he muttered after a pause. "Her, or someone like her. I don't.... I want to be somebody you deserve."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

This was... difficult. No, this was very difficult. He'd never been in a situation like this before, had never had to try and discuss this sort of thing with someone before, and it was like trying to find his way through a maze in the dark without any way to light his path; every step could lead to the way out just as easily as it could lead right back to the start -- or somewhere worse. "Well," he began hesitantly, uncertainly, one arm holding him so, so close while his other hand lifted to gently stroke his hair, "do you feel like you've changed, like you're different now than you were before you left? I didn't know you then, but I think you changed between now and when we first met. I think you're a little different now than you were back then. And no, nothing can change the past, no matter how much you might want it to, but... if the past were different, would that change anything? Would you still be who you are now?" Maybe not, but then maybe Zev would prefer that? It left a cold feeling in the pit of his stomach to think so.

"And I don't want anyone else, I want you." He tilted his head down to press a kiss to the top of his boyfriend's head and gave him a squeeze. It was kind of funny; he felt the exact same way about Zevran sometimes, how he didn't deserve such a wonderful boyfriend as him, and yet he would never even dream of giving him up, not for anything.  

[TawnyAngel]

Abel wanted him, not for anything he could do or even for the way he looked. Abel liked him. He believed it, and yet he didn't believe it. How could both things be true, you couldn't believe something and not believe it at the same time! But he did, and did not.

Zevran laughed hollowly and shrugged. "I don't know, I am not known for my skill in introspection... I think I might have? Or I might always have been like this but never thought about it... No, I don't think that's right." Certainly he hadn't thought about himself deeply before he had left Antiva but he was different, he had been content enough in his life for a long time but he couldn't imagine going back to it now. "Perhaps I have changed then but still I don't feel as though I should be here. I do believe you but...." Zevran trailed off and shrugged again. "I don't know."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

"Ah, no, you've said that before..." Abel trailed off, a thoughtful frown forming on his face. No, they'd had that discussion before - how they'd always discouraged more introspective thought like that - so there was no need to go over that again. Hmm... "I don't think you've always been like that. If I were to guess.... I'd say you probably first started changing when you left. Or I guess when all that happened that eventually led to you leaving," he amended, absently running his fingers through Zevran's fine blond hair. "I don't know how much you've changed since then since I didn't know you back then, but people do change over time whether they want to or not -- I don't think you're any exception. ...why don't you think you should be here?"  

[TawnyAngel]

Did he really have to think about this? "Ahh..." Zevran exhaled and forced himself to relax a little, doing so usually helped his mental state to follow suit and while it wasn't very effective this time it did help a little. A little. "I suppose... I feel as though this life must belong to somebody else," Zevran said slowly as he tried the concept out for size. "I am not sure if that is quite the right way to say it but... yes, things feel as though they don't match up. Like a dream."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel's fingers ran through Zev's hair one last time before his hand traveled down his back to rub slow circles over it, meandering around before finding the burn scars and settling there. "That... makes a lot of sense, actually. I understand, because I've felt that way before. I still feel that way sometimes, actually, but I can understand it completely. It's kind of hard to believe, isn't it? Or it always was for me, that I was actually experiencing the things I felt like I shouldn't be, whether it was having something or being somewhere or whatever. It does feel kind of like a dream sometimes -- a long dream." He paused to press another kiss to the top of his head. "But dream or not, this is the life you're living now. It belongs to you and no one else, and no one can make you do anything differently if you don't want to," he said as he gave his boyfriend a brief, tight, almost protective squeeze. No, no one would ever treat him like some kind of tool again -- not if he had anything to say about it.  

[TawnyAngel]

Zevran made a quiet little noise of gratitude at Abel's tight squeeze and snuggled his face against his shoulder. "I am glad you understand, but I also wish you didn't," he said, hoping that the declaration made some sense. "I don't want to do anything differently but I... Sometimes I feel like something will happen to make it change, to take this away. When we first saw Molly I thought; this is it, this is where it stops because he has found her again and how could he not prefer her to you?" As soon as he said it Zevran grimaced and squeezed Abel tightly. "Please don't think I doubt your loyalty, I don't, I merely...." And then he trailed off again and shrugged again, having run out of words to express the thoughts racing through his mind and the emotions twisting in his chest and gut.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

For a few lengthy moments, all Abel could do was sit - slouch - in stunned silence. He'd kind of gleaned how Zevran felt but that was it. Now he knew that Zevran was actually worried that he'd leave him -- if not for Molly then for someone else. Mister Confidence himself, always smooth and suave and who practically oozed charm and wit - Zevran - was... But no, he couldn't be... could he? Was he... actually insecure? Zevran, of all people?

But it made sense. He'd never dated anyone before, had been nervous about going on a date and then was uncertain when asking him out... It made sense for him to be insecure about maintaining their relationship. He just... hadn't expected it.

"You're worried," he finally said once he found the words to speak again. "You don't doubt my loyalty but you're afraid I'll leave you for someone else?" That was it, wasn't it? What else could it be? Zevran was insecure about this, and that fact made his heart hurt more than it had in so long. It ached, it hurt, and all he wanted to do was wrap his boyfriend up in his arms and never let him go. "I meant it when I said I'm all yours. Nothing will happen to make me want anyone else but you." While that was quite a hefty promise - was promise the right word? - at the moment he couldn't imagine anything happening that could change his mind. No, in fact it was quite the opposite; everything he'd experienced or seen or learned thus far made him want to be with Zevran even more, not less. "Molly was always nice and kind and I did love her, but that was years ago. Married with kids or not, there's nothing she could ever say to me now that would even make me entertain the thought of leaving you, so please don't worry that I will," he said in as reassuring a voice as he could, and gave him another tight squeeze.  

[TawnyAngel]

Worried? Him?... Yes, he was.

Zevran laughed nervously and returned Abel's tight grip. "Yes, I suppose I am. I have never had anything worth fearing the loss of before. Anyone. I had my two friends but," he shook his head and took a deep breath, "I expected to lose them to death or die myself but there was no chance of them leaving for another place because nobody left, and why would they have left me for another Crow when I believed all we had was superficial and I do superficial so very well?"

Looking back he knew that it hadn't been all superficial at all but he had thought it so at the time and so he supposed that had informed his security. This though, what he had with Abel, it felt so fragile if he allowed himself to think too much about it or about the future. If he wasn't going to die young now what was going to happen? People changed, Abel had just said that, so what if he changed in a way Abel didn't like?

"We cannot see the future," Zevran said after a heavy pause, and he held tightly to Abel again. "There is so much future."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel made a soft noise in the back of his throat at Zevran's words, to let him know that he was listening and that he understood, even if he didn't have any words to say -- because what could he say to that? One of his friends had died, and the other one was... what, still back in Antiva? He wasn't dead, was he? Zev always spoke of the one in past tense because she died, he knew she had and that had been the catalyst for his departure, but he'd never really mentioned what had happened to the other. Probably because nothing had happened to him, or at least not before he left. For Zev's sake he kind of hoped nothing had happened to him since then, either.

"This isn't superficial," he pointed out once he had found words to speak again. "I'm your boyfriend for as long as you want me to be, we have fun together and get along so well, we're both terrible together, we both care -- nothing about that is superficial. Just because you've grown up only knowing more superficial things doesn't mean you can't have more sincere things now." ...but he probably knew that already. Damn, this was difficult...

Mmh... "No, no one can see the future. And you're absolutely right; there is a lot of future to think about, and I kind of get the impression that you're not even remotely used to thinking about any of it, yeah?" No, from everything Zevran had ever told him, it sounded like he and everyone else he knew had been discouraged from thinking about much more than their work and how to improve upon it. Thinking about the future was probably pointless when you could die the next day -- or even that same day. The taller blond wrapped his arms tightly around Zevran, hugging him nice and close as if the embrace would help assuage part of his worries. "But that's what I'm here for - that's what boyfriends are for - to support you and help you with things you're not used to doing, or things you need help with, now or in the future, uncertain as it is."  

[TawnyAngel]

It wasn't superficial, it was terrifying and wonderful and he sometimes he was so happy it almost hurt - ¿did that even make sense? - and they were both terrible, and they understood one another as others could not, and they were there for one another when they needed help. But could it really be that simple? Could that last?

"No," Zevran agreed with another nervous laugh. "No I am not accustomed to thinking of anything much beyond, oh, say the end of the week? Let us make plans for the end of the week, I would like that, I could think about that. I... I cannot express how much I appreciate everything you have done for me, and do for me." He shouldn't care this much, but he didn't want to stop. "You are a very special person you know." In general, and more importantly and more selfishly to him personally.

Earlier Abel had said he loved him, and he still didn't believe it had been meant, and that still hurt under the comfort he was beginning to take in his boyfriend's words. Still though, he would have been terrified if he had meant it so perhaps it was still for the best.