If you chose A...
What twisted sociopath invented Ring Around The Tuna? The ring part isn’t so bad, but the combination of lime gelatin and tuna is a match made in hell. Absolutely in hell. Nobody could actually enjoy this. Why was this made? Were the cooks in those bygone eras so fixated on figuring out whether or not they could, they didn’t stop think about whether or not they should? You can see the gelatin shake and quake in a shuddering anticipation of the darkness to come. You take a bite and find that the fish flavor has leached into the gelatin, chemical lime mixing with canned tuna and mayonnaise. Gagging, you force another bite into your mouth, shuddering with every swallow. If you rolled an even number, you find no eggs. However, if you rolled an odd number, you stare at the ceiling as you chew, trying to take your mind off of the war crime in your mouth. You find an egg wedged in the elaborate light fixture!
If you chose B...
The liver sausage pineapple looked… festive, at least. It was one recognizable color, if nothing else. You took your fork and cut into it, slowly lifting a putrid bite to your mouth. You cringe in horror. What abomination would think it was ok to combine liver sausage, lemon juice, Worcestershire sauce, and more mayo than legally safe to consume, then frost it with an unholy hybrid of jello and more mayonnaise? Why so much mayonnaise? You question your dedication to this egg hunt as you lift a second bite, then a third bite to your mouth. You think you tap into something hard and potentially egg shaped towards the bottom, so you continue to eat the liver sausage pineapple… only to discover that it’s an avocado for no explicable reason. You consider weeping. You find no egg.
If you chose C...
The glace fish mold stares up at you, silently begging you to end its meaningless existence. It is fish-flavored jello. It is a thing that should not be, and yet here it is, olive eyes gazing into yours. You feel an unreasonable sadness as you lift the first bite towards your mouth. You want to gag, but the fish’s soul swims free as angels sing. This is an act of mercy. You continue consuming the fish. At the end, under a piece of festive lettuce, you find a single Easter egg.
If you chose D...
The vegetable hi-hat looked… reasonably ok. Yes, it had “ham loaf” as a main ingredient. Yes, for some reason it added maraschino cherries and peaches to meatloaf. But it was one of two dishes on the table that didn’t require a literal jar of mayonnaise to complete, and the other one was a gallon of fizzy milk. You begin to eat, and to your surprise, it really wasn’t all that bad. Sure the presentation was a little weird, but if you moved things around with your fork, it was ok. If you rolled an even number, you fish the little white balls out of the center of the ring to discover an Easter egg! Score! If you rolled an odd number, your portion of vegetable hi-hat has three raw eggs hidden in the center of the ring. One has a “=;B” drawn on it. Is that… a winking rabbit face? Yes. It is. But it is not an Easter egg.
If you chose E...
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? In your case, it was the snowy chicken confetti salad. You managed to choke down a football-sized pile of mayonnaise-flavored jello studded with peppers and chicken, but you did at least find the egg. Now why did the snowy chicken confetti salad cross the road? If you can answer that one, you’re a more clever man than I.
If you chose F...
You’re crazy. Nobody can drink a gallon of fizzy milk. You get no eggs… unless you rolled a 10 or a 1. If you rolled a 1, you managed to dump your fizzy milk down the drain while Jump Scare was taunting the poor fools who chose the Liver Sausage Pineapple. If you rolled a 10, you actually did drink the entire gallon of room-temperature lemon-lime flavored fizzy milk. You transcend this mortal plane, become a god, and return to earth because the heavens are actually frightened of you. Well, that’s how you perceive it. You might actually be hallucinating. Either way, you get an egg.
