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I know, I know. I shouldn't be starting another series until I finish the Shnozly Chronicles. I just couldn't resist.
Resident Wiivil: The Nintendo Cult Chronicles
It was a dark night. Rookie officer Super Cheesio (aka ChE3sio) and his senior partner, Denko, were patrolling the streets of Beaver City: home of the Nintendo Cult Corporation. It was a very quiet and foggy night. In fact, there were no cars on the road. It was eerie for any city street to be completely empty like this. Denko continued driving down the dark and cloudy street until he saw somebody staggering.
Denko saw this as a good opportunity to quote Tourettes guy and said, “Looks like we got a drunkard here, rookie. DON'T GET A BIG d**k!”
Denko slumped out of his car while Cheesio slammed his door open and rolled out. He thought it looked cool. It didn't. Denko approached the staggering man. The man was dressed in women's clothing; the two officers supposed he'd been at a wild party. In reality, the man was a transvestite from Mother Russia. He was strong as three bears and could win five arm wrestling matches against Lord Satan, but I digress.
“Hello sir,” Denko started. “Looks like you've been having a wild night.”
The man stared vacantly into the air, his head tilted to the side and his mouth gaping. In a few moments this man would murder Denko and Cheesio. This man was not only a tranny, but a zombie as well. He turned towards the two officers and eyed them like they were delicious cake, which is a lie EH-DEHEHEH!
“Cheesio, get your gun ready.” Denko had seen this look before.
“I told you to call me ChE3sio from now on!”
“Shut up. Nobody calls you that.” Denko took out his own weapon, which was a PS3. Carrying such a large console around had given him massive thighs, but it was worth it to make a Chadwarden reference whenever somebody asked why he was carrying a PS3 in his holster. The console had the power to kill with blunt force, regardless.
It was too late. The man in the dress was on Denko before he could even lift his weapon. Cheesio was flustered about nobody calling him ChE3sio, so he was not focusing on getting his weapon out. The Russian got him too.
The Russian man was also his own sister. Just thought you'd like to know.
Kuzodav, aka the Super Troll (he hates to be called a troll... oops), was “boldly stating his opinion” to a teen pregnancy support group in the gymnasium of a local college.
“You wouldn't be pregnant if you weren't all such ******** sluts!” he said, and then he pulled out an axe and sliced their heads off. A man in a top hat walked into the room, amazed.
“You just destroyed all those zombies!” the man squealed with delight.
“Zombies?”
By the way, the man in the top hat was not a man, but a woman. She was using a disguise consisting of... a fake mustache. Honestly, it should be obvious that she was a woman, but everyone in this story is stupid so they don't notice.
Then there were squirting noises. Zombie babies all flew out of their respective whore-slut mothers. The plopped onto the floor almost sequentially, each making a distinctive SQuIRP.
The babies all rose to their feet, completely destroying scientific theories stating that fetuses can't, and then they were upon Kuzodav and the woman in the Hat. Kuzodav, who is always a major character in my stories, was slicing babies in half with his axe like a badass, while the woman, who I will just call Hat (:B), was punching them in the face, knocking their heads off.
There were dead babies all over the room. Kuzodav recognized that this was the best opportunity he'd ever have to make a dead baby joke. However, he decided that his life was slightly more important (slightly) and made a run for the door, pulling Hat by the hand.
The zombies were being created by a virus. The virus was created by a scientist named Trenn Flashkill. Trenn Flashkill created the virus because he wanted to be recognized by the Nintendo Cult Corporation. He was the first to die of the virus. He was not remembered.
Kuzodav and Hat ran to the Beaver City Police Department, where Officers Wayne Brizzowski and Matt Lupowski were on duty. They weren't really a good cop/bad cop pair, but one thing that called for juxtaposition of the pair was their vast weight difference. Wayne was, of course, the fat one, while Matt was as skinny as something that was very skinny.
“Guys!” Kuzodav screamed at the officers. “There's some crazy s**t out there! I almost think they're zombies!”
Wayne stood, staring, while Matt started to snicker.
Wayne finally started to think and slowly asked, “....What?”
“ZOMBIES. HERE. YOU ******** d**k!”
“Pff,” he said, “zombies aren't real.”
Then a giant tentacled beast ripped through the wall and killed both of the officers in front of Kuzodav and Hat. He held Matt straight in one tentacle, shoving him into Wayne's abundant fat, and he proceeded to suck Wayne's fat by using Matt as a straw. They were both pretty dead after that.
To be continued.
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