Holy Sins

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Nikolai nodded as if he understood. He was well aware of the hatred shown towards homosexuals. He slowly put a hand against his stomach as he remembered a few beatings delivered to him for liking a man. But Anthony's gay? That's strange... What about Kimberly? He seemed to enjoy that... Nikolai decided not to bring it up.
"High up?" he repeated with a raised eyebrow.

 

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Awesome nerd

"At twenty, I was the second in command. My boss...he didn't like me taking such a liking to a bodyguard." Sighing, he glanced back out at the skyline. "So, I was ordered to kill him, or to watch him be tortured, then slowly killed moments before my own death. I did the only thing I could. I shot him. But it wasn't that clean a shot...and I heard his last screams. He was screaming for me, begging me to be there. I only held him once I knew it was too late, and he was too close to death to save."

 

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The 'priest' stared at his trembling fists against the railings. He could still remember holding Grigori in his arms, crying as the Soviet stared at him with sad, dying eyes and tried to speak past the blood flooding his mouth. The detail of it all was too much, it was as if it all happened yesterday. Nikolai shook his head lightly and looked at Anthony sadly. "You didn't have to watch him die," he said, not sure if he was talking more to himself than anything. "You could've just ran away with him. Or you could've hid. He could've hid with you and not have to deal with any of it. He didn't have to die!"

 

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"You think I didn't think of that?!" he yelled, snapping his eyes back to Nikolai. The rage and pure self-hatred flamed, and he reached out and grabbed Nikolai by the upper arms. "I tried, damn it! I tried to run! I tried to hide! But they could always find us, and I had to find an excuse as to why we were had left. We couldn't escape, and we knew it! I did all that I could to save him. I even told him that I had never loved him, that he was worthless to me, but he stayed, calling me a liar. I did EVERYTHING I could, and it STILL wasn't enough!"

 

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He was taken back by the sudden force and was helpless under the glare at him. Barely listening to him, Nikolai stared into Anthony's eyes. So tortured, so guilt-ridden, so broken. It was frightening.... So frightening.... How much they reminded him of himself. Nikolai wasn't sure why but tears started flooding his eyes. "It's not fair..." he finally said and looked down. "Is Love so ruthless that is has to reduce us to this? Watching our beloveds die?"

 

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Anthony set Nikolai back on the ground, noticing that he'd been holding him up. He bowed his head, holding back tears. "Love isn't meant for people like us. That's why it's taken from us so often."

 

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There he went, acting so cool and arrogant when he should be... well... like Nikolai, a broken wreck. Wiping away a few stray tears, Nikolai sniffed roughly and glared at the beautiful lights of the city. "It's clearly not meant for me," he said softly. "But you deserve somebody. If anything, you deserve some happiness."

 

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Awesome nerd

"Deserve, maybe. Need, definitely not," he said, sighing. Anthony set a finger beneath Nikolai's chin, turning his head. "We don't know what will happen in the future. You will find love again, Nikolai. You aren't meant to remain a priest, and I know it. You are different, you will change and grow, and with that change and growth, love will find you again."

 

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Love? For him? Nikolai stared into each of Anthony's eyes, allowing himself to believe such words for a second. Was it actually possible? Could his heart even work like that again?
Could he replace Grigori?
Nikolai's hair covered his eyes again, and just in time to shade the fury in his eyes. He shoved Anthony away and clenched his fists. "Don't talk to me about love!" he spat. "I lost mine too long ago and I don't intend on finding a replacement! That's why I became a priest, so I wouldn't have to deal with it!" He glared to the railing again, only now his eyes were filled with regret. "I help people be happy again, that's all."

 

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Anthony stood beside him for a second, then turned to walk away. "But you aren't a priest, Nikolai," he said quietly, not even sure he could be heard. The priest turned back to face him, his eyes searching the man before him.

 

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Nikolai didn't hear anything, and if he did he showed no signs of acknowledging it. He stared at the lights of the city, some flashing, some just shining brilliantly. He hadn't realized it, but he was rubbing his right forearm. After hearing the caw of a crow over yonder, Nikolai ran a hand through his face with a sigh. "I'm sorry." he said and turned to Anthony for a second. "I made this about me. You're the one in pain."

 

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"And I will suffer for the rest of my life," he said, not moving from his position. "But you, Nikolai. You have the ability to stop suffering. It wasn't your fault."

 

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Nikolai sputtered out a bitter laugh. "You talk as if you know me."

 

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Awesome nerd

"I know you better than you think I do," he replied, tilting his head up a bit.

 

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There was a paused.
Hmm? What's he mean by that, darling? Sloth asked.
I'm not too sure, Nikolai replied. Is this one of those other men with just different looks?
No, no I'd certainly remember that. Sloth sighed in a contemplative manner. A stalker, perhaps?
Nikolai only narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the priest. "What do you mean?" he asked steadily.