Coming out of the atheist closet. I need guidance.

[JadeDragonSoul]

I have never had a confrontation with anyone about my beliefs, yet, I suppose. Most of my friends actually, have doubts in a god themselves, so I'm very lucky for that.

My entire life, I had no idea that right and wrong, and morals were even connected to religion. Until I heard the argument of "Where do atheist get their morals?" when I heard this, I went "Whaaat?".

I have a great sense of right and wrong, loyalty, honestly, and morals. And none of it came from religion. I was not influenced by it, because I had no idea they were even connected! (And I still don't think they are, either.)

So I'm a pretty good example that a very good person can stem out of that sort of thing, I guess. ^^ I  

[Ammonia Spike]

I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice for you because I grew up in an agnostic family. Good luck anyways. sweatdrop  

[ProjectOmicron88]

JadeDragonSoul

I have never had a confrontation with anyone about my beliefs, yet, I suppose. Most of my friends actually, have doubts in a god themselves, so I'm very lucky for that.

My entire life, I had no idea that right and wrong, and morals were even connected to religion. Until I heard the argument of "Where do atheist get their morals?" when I heard this, I went "Whaaat?".

I have a great sense of right and wrong, loyalty, honestly, and morals. And none of it came from religion. I was not influenced by it, because I had no idea they were even connected! (And I still don't think they are, either.)

So I'm a pretty good example that a very good person can stem out of that sort of thing, I guess. ^^ I

I know what you mean. People seem to be oblivious to the fact that an absence of faith is not the same as an absence of morality. When we see other people get hurt by our actions as children (taking a block another kid was using, knocking down their sand castle, etc.), we learn that it hurts other people. And with a little perspective from parents ("how would YOU feel if someone did that to you?"), we learn basic morality. It's basic psychology, and it's also....SCIENCE!!!  

[[Perfect Calamity]]

i kinda skimmed, but i got the point.. or one of them...
My stance on this for a while is to just not tell anyone, unless they are a fellow atheist. I have an Uber-Christian friend who found out i was atheist and he pretty much flipped and stuff happened.. he ended up hating me for the pretty much 3 months. He was so mad, he couldnt even speak to me without uttering something completely stupid. Now i just sat there and took it, i was fine, i didnt really see a real reason for him to be mad at me, i mean he just took MY gf and all.. but thats beside the point. Eventually he was so mean to me, a whole bunch of friends stood on my side, and he was over on his own little side over there, the David, if you will. So he stays mad at me, i ignore it and be nice to him, and end up lying to him to get him to shut up. So as of now, the three or four people who are happy with me being Christian are being lied to, because im still an atheist, and my proof hasnt been un-proved.
My best friends where the ones who stayed with me the whole time, and didnt care whether i was christian or not, and they still dont care.

So, moral of the story is: If they cant accept you for your choice of religion, they arnt a good family. Ask around some friends to see if you can have a temporary place to stay, or stay with a relative, that is assuming your family doesnt like your decision. If they do accept your religion, good for you, and i wish i could tell my parents some day too.

 

[Theophrastus]

[Perfect Calamity]

So he stays mad at me, i ignore it and be nice to him, and end up lying to him to get him to shut up. So as of now, the three or four people who are happy with me being Christian are being lied to, because im still an atheist, and my proof hasnt been un-proved.

I can't support this stance at all.

If you lie one of three things must happen. You get caught and work yourself into a bigger lie. You get caught and have to suffer the humiliation. You don't get caught.

I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I was lying about my life and one of the most important topics of the human race just to grease my way through life. I know that a lot of people are fine with that, but every time I see a post like this I'm reminded just how confident, free and happy I am since I stopped lying. It's easier than you think and being honest never requires as much effort (or causes as much trouble) as lying.

Sorry to have hijacked the topic. Back to your regularly scheduled news.  

[Zealous Blue]

I'm pretty lucky, because my mom is Catholic, and my dad is Jewish, so they never forced my sister and I to attend any sort of place of worship.

I came out to my parents as being atheist, probably around... er, 13.

I can't really remember.

My mom asked me if I was sure, but has never done anything more than tell me I shouldn't make up my mind until I'm an adult. I don't think she beleives me, but she also isn't strongly Catholic, and just wants me to be happy.

My dad on the other hand, always has an odd reaction. Every time, and I mean every time, I tell him I don't beleive in god, he says: "Of course you do." And then he argues with me about how there's some sort of higher being up there.

I respect his beleifs and opinions, but I do not respect the fact that he tries to force me into beleiving in a higher being. I'm a bit bitter, and at times a bit of a femminist, and I don't trust the government at all. So I automatically question everything some sort of establishment tells me. Hell, I don't even trust PETA.

My sister hasn't decided on her religion, but she generally copies everything I do.

And I don't have close family outside immediate family. Coming out of the atheist closet was really easy for me.

I kinda don't have any advice. I understand that you want to please your mother, but how can you in this situation? There's no way you're going to be able to come out as atheist without making her unhappy, so you should probably quit focusing on that. >>;;  

[Theophrastus]

Almost totally unrelated, but don't trust PETA. I wholeheartedly support clean, quick and painless execution of livestock and food animals and love, I say love animals (just ask my pet rabbit), but PETA is basically a non-violent shock mob more interested in freaking people out and catching donations than it is the welfare of animals.

If you want to feel good about yourself for helping animals volunteer at the local stray pets shelter.  

[ProjectOmicron88]

Theophrastus

Almost totally unrelated, but don't trust PETA. I wholeheartedly support clean, quick and painless execution of livestock and food animals and love, I say love animals (just ask my pet rabbit), but PETA is basically a non-violent shock mob more interested in freaking people out and catching donations than it is the welfare of animals.

If you want to feel good about yourself for helping animals volunteer at the local stray pets shelter.

Radical environmental organizations are more like leftist anti-corporate vehicles nowadays. I love animals, but I think if they're tasty and plentiful, go ahead and throw 'em on the griddle.

Now I've gone and made myself hungry for some baby back ribs.  

[Meirelle]

From what I gather from your story, you grew up Catholic (am I right? If I'm wrong, please correct me.). Your mum isn't overly religious, but seems to treat atheism as taboo. I grew up pretty much the same way-- Catholic parents, First Communion in a pretty white dress, Catholic school (no CCD because of that), Confirmation in 8th grade.

I remember joking that, no, I didn't feel any different after my Confirmation. Heh...

My mum used to think atheism was (at least partially) taboo. Granted, I didn't quite grow the balls (or the female equivalent) to call myself an atheist until around six months ago.

The process was gradual, however. By my junior year in high school, I was a cherry-picking Catholic, and I was a Deist by the time I entered college (although, I didn't know the particular philosophy had a name). By my junior year in college, I was disgusted enough with what I'd seen of Abrahamic religions to turn agnostic, taking the stance of, "Hell, I don't know, and neither do you! And your god's just a jackass anyhow!"

I took that stance of agnosticism for a while, saying, "Well, if there IS a god, I'm a nice person, so I have nothing to fear. And if he just happens to be like the Evangelical god, then he's a b*****d and I don't want to be in his heaven anyways." So I guess I was apatheistic.

That's not to say I didn't search for spiritualism throughout my agnostic years. I was drawn to New Age religions, and I still am in a way. But I realized one day, when I was attending a New Age seminar, that I could never be deeply religious. The speaker made an absolutely ridiculous joke about "people actually BELIEVE that the Egyptians dragged those heavy stones across the ground with ropes" instead of using levitation. And I had a flashback to, "people actually BELIEVE that we evolved from monkeys!"

And so I was immediately turned off. But I must admit, mysticism and metaphysics still hold an appeal to me.

But I digress.

Mum HAS made some comments over the years. When I first voiced that my beliefs were no longer Catholic, she made a comment that pissed me off: "Oh, she'll come back." Like it was a phase or something. She then told me once, "Well, as long as you believe in SOMETHING." And she used to get really angry when I'd make fun of religion and take the Lord's name in vain (which is still one of my favorite pastimes).

But over the years, she's gotten used to it, or mellowed out, or just came to understand it through me... or SOMETHING.

Several months ago, I told her. At 23 years old, I had finally made up my mind. I said, "Mum, I have something important to tell you. I'm an atheist." But she just looked at me and said, "That's it? Oh, geez. I thought you were gonna say you were pregnant or something!"

So after a while, yes, I was accepted. And now I take the Lord's name in vain and mum doesn't say anything. And I make fun of religion and my mum joins in. And now MY MUM is a cherry-picking Catholic.

After several long and useless paragraphs, I get to my point: drop hints. Drop lots of hints. Don't keep it all inside and pretend, but don't come out of the blue and say it, either. If you just come out and say it, she won't be prepared, and the conversation might end in a disaster. But if you drop hints for a while, by the time you mention the big "A" word, she'll already know, even if she doesn't outwardly acknowledge it.

My 2 cents. sweatdrop  

[JadeDragonSoul]

Meirelle

From what I gather from your story, you grew up Catholic (am I right? If I'm wrong, please correct me.). Your mum isn't overly religious, but seems to treat atheism as taboo. I grew up pretty much the same way-- Catholic parents, First Communion in a pretty white dress, Catholic school (no CCD because of that), Confirmation in 8th grade.

I remember joking that, no, I didn't feel any different after my Confirmation. Heh...

My mum used to think atheism was (at least partially) taboo. Granted, I didn't quite grow the balls (or the female equivalent) to call myself an atheist until around six months ago.

The process was gradual, however. By my junior year in high school, I was a cherry-picking Catholic, and I was a Deist by the time I entered college (although, I didn't know the particular philosophy had a name). By my junior year in college, I was disgusted enough with what I'd seen of Abrahamic religions to turn agnostic, taking the stance of, "Hell, I don't know, and neither do you! And your god's just a jackass anyhow!"

I took that stance of agnosticism for a while, saying, "Well, if there IS a god, I'm a nice person, so I have nothing to fear. And if he just happens to be like the Evangelical god, then he's a b*****d and I don't want to be in his heaven anyways." So I guess I was apatheistic.

That's not to say I didn't search for spiritualism throughout my agnostic years. I was drawn to New Age religions, and I still am in a way. But I realized one day, when I was attending a New Age seminar, that I could never be deeply religious. The speaker made an absolutely ridiculous joke about "people actually BELIEVE that the Egyptians dragged those heavy stones across the ground with ropes" instead of using levitation. And I had a flashback to, "people actually BELIEVE that we evolved from monkeys!"

And so I was immediately turned off. But I must admit, mysticism and metaphysics still hold an appeal to me.

But I digress.

Mum HAS made some comments over the years. When I first voiced that my beliefs were no longer Catholic, she made a comment that pissed me off: "Oh, she'll come back." Like it was a phase or something. She then told me once, "Well, as long as you believe in SOMETHING." And she used to get really angry when I'd make fun of religion and take the Lord's name in vain (which is still one of my favorite pastimes).

But over the years, she's gotten used to it, or mellowed out, or just came to understand it through me... or SOMETHING.

Several months ago, I told her. At 23 years old, I had finally made up my mind. I said, "Mum, I have something important to tell you. I'm an atheist." But she just looked at me and said, "That's it? Oh, geez. I thought you were gonna say you were pregnant or something!"

So after a while, yes, I was accepted. And now I take the Lord's name in vain and mum doesn't say anything. And I make fun of religion and my mum joins in. And now MY MUM is a cherry-picking Catholic.

After several long and useless paragraphs, I get to my point: drop hints. Drop lots of hints. Don't keep it all inside and pretend, but don't come out of the blue and say it, either. If you just come out and say it, she won't be prepared, and the conversation might end in a disaster. But if you drop hints for a while, by the time you mention the big "A" word, she'll already know, even if she doesn't outwardly acknowledge it.

My 2 cents. sweatdrop

Yes, thank you. X3

Hints hints, that's good (and simple) advice! I have been doing it a bit, mainly with my love of Charles Darwin/Evolution and how I want to go to school for evolutionary biology. (where though...I have no idea. D: )

I remember one time I dropped a bit of a hint, but I felt like an a** afterward. For my confirmation my mom got my a small cross necklace. I said thank you, but of course wasn't super-grateful. She kinda asked why and I replies: "I don't care much for crosses..." (As in, the jewelery. Sorta saying I don't feel the need to strut around school wearing a cross) She got a little apaulled and was all: "Well It's your faith, you should be wearing them", etc. (The reason it was a gift was why I felt so guilty)

I never wore it, its still in my jewelry box, probably. n-n  

[Oracle for Hire]

Its simple, dont care. Since I was 7 i never cared what people thought of me. I dont know your family so I cant tell you how they will react. I told my family (theyre extremely religious) that I couldnt believe in god or anything the bible says for that matter. It just doesnt make any sense. We got into the whole "which came first chicken/egg" thing When my cousin said "God created the chicken and gave it the ability to lay eggs" I told him it was complete crap and that they slowly evolved from fish.  

[JadeDragonSoul]

Tschudy

Its simple, dont care. Since I was 7 i never cared what people thought of me. I dont know your family so I cant tell you how they will react. I told my family (theyre extremely religious) that I couldnt believe in god or anything the bible says for that matter. It just doesnt make any sense. We got into the whole "which came first chicken/egg" thing When my cousin said "God created the chicken and gave it the ability to lay eggs" I told him it was complete crap and that they slowly evolved from fish.

But I do care.
It's not simple.  

[Death God Hitsugaya]

Well, What I do seems to work well. If anyone asks, I tell them. If they start to assume I'm christian or a theist, I tell them the truth. Otherwise, it;s not worth saying, as I live in a fundamentalist christian community, and, even though I don't have much to do with them, It's still not worth the possible downfalls of walking around yelling, I'm an Atheist, b***h!

Also, I was the only person out there who was born into a family that didn't indoctrinate their children. My parents didn't take me to church, didn't discuss it with me, they let me figure it out on my own, and I ended up going with science and logic instead of following everyone else in my community who was indoctrinated from birth.

Even so, I wouldn't suggest telling them, or I'd wait until you're out of university or whenever you're living on your own, just in case they have a bad reaction, as I have heard of bad reactions happening.  

[reverie0312]

I'm also a 17-year-old atheist living in a Christian home, and my lack of religion is certainly under wraps, to the extent that I still attend Church and average of twice a week (less when I can think of good excuses). I'm counting the days until I move out and don't have to abide by their silly rules anymore.

It's admirable that you want to come clean with your family, but you have to be sure you've weighed the costs and benefits. You're going to be graduating high school soon -- is there a chance that your parents will refuse to contribute to your college tuition if you admit to being an atheist? You probably have older relatives who are religious -- is it worth scaring and worrying them at their age by admitting to one of the worst sins they can think of? Your family life sounds fairly stable right now -- are you willing to risk explosive fights ending in tears on both sides? They might make you attend remedial religious services to convert you -- would you prefer to have to go to more church and be honest, or go to less church and be evasive? How important is honesty to you? Is it really a lie if you're just omitting things? Is a lie justified when it's to preserve your inherent right to autonomy of thought?

As far as tips for not going insane while closeted...

I've found that telling your friends, ranting on the internet, and being honest with the people you can be honest with help relieve some of the cognitive dissonance required to live a lie. It also helps to freely express your political beliefs (backed up by scripture in addition to logic, of course) whether they mesh with mainstream interpretations of Christianity or not. If you can get by with it, the occasional pot-shot at the religious right can be an outlet. Defending science and reason in the face of ridiculous, religiously-inspired beliefs is a rewarding thing to do. Remember that if you are polite, kind, and reasonable, you haven't done anything wrong, even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it. You can only be so beholden to others before you lose yourself and go nuts. Reading philosophy can be a thought-provoking, low-stress activity if you're into thinking about the world (I recommend the Pop Culture and Philosophy series as an introduction, and Albert Camus, Nietzsche, and Sartre as primary sources, but that's just me -- read what interests you).

Lastly, I recommend the website ex-christian.net  

[I Was The Moon]

Well, since your mother knows you'd like to go into a profession relating to evolution, try to talk about it with her.

She hasn't seemed to care about that yet, has she? So maybe she isn't so hostile towards the theory of evolution. Ask her what her views are on it. It could lead to a conversation on your beliefs. Remember to stay calm.

That's all I can help you with, sorry! I hope it goes well for you.