Yes I do agree with what she said. I screwed up badly with this one, it was 3:00am and i was tired as hell.. but couldn't sleep... x.x oh well.. JUST READ! =D
Rinoa2000
Quote:
A few miles away, a new character was coming in. He had the cloud of the Akatsuki on his uniform, but was not of the Akatsuki Clan. Was he of the A.N.G? His eyes, pure black... His left arm was metalic, and his right arm held a small sword. His back, carried a huge machete, similar to the one Kyubi had when fighting Rinoa. The chain on the side of his right leg jingled and jangled as he walked. He kept his head down, and left his mouth shut. He finally reached the area Kyubi, Saito, Void, and Rogen were at. Rogen glanced at the male, and was confused. "Hmm... who are you??" He didn't reply. "Hey i said answer me!" He still had no reply. Kyubi felt angry because of this, and his eyes again grew black. He went up and grabbed the man and lifted him up. "HEY! HE SAID ANSWE-" before he could finish, Kyubi was knocked into a tree, out cold. The man finally spoke. "...Akuma... Akuma is my name..."
A few miles away, a new character was coming in. (Don't use "new character" to describe him. SImply say "stranger" or "mysterious person" or such like that)
He had the cloud of the Akatsuki on his uniform, but was not of the Akatsuki Clan. Was he of the A.N.G? (generally whenever rping you always assume that the people you rp with don't know everyhing so explain things the first or second time you mention it as if a little reminder and then you can use little abreviations. For example, I have no idea what the A.N.G is)
His eyes, pure black...("..." generally means a lost thought or a depressed person because it's a pause, but it's only used at the end of a sentance, not in the middle, simly use a coma)
His left arm was metalic, and his right arm held a small sword. His back, carried a huge machete, similar to the one Kyubi had when fighting Rinoa. (Don't assume everyone knows what that machete looks like. Just try your hardest to describe it to the best of your ability - no worries, they'll get the basic picture of it)
The chain on the side of his right leg jingled and jangled as he walked. He kept his head down, and left his mouth shut. He finally reached the area Kyubi, Saito, Void, and Rogen were at. (There is nothing really wrong here but simply but you do not have to list all the names, if you write in third person [which you should with multiple characters] but since your newest character, Akuma, has no idea who any of them are you should simply state something like, he wandered into an area [describe the area a bit] where the other characters are, strangers would be a good title)
Rogen glanced at the male, and was confused. "Hmm... who are you??"
(This is where it get really confusing, with all the characters males, using "he" instead of words like "the newest stranger" or perhaps)
He didn't reply. (When a different person says something or you start a new thought, start a new paragraph, no matter how short it is, it also makes keeping track of multiple characters much easier)
"Hey i said answer me!" (new paragraph)
He still had no reply. (new paragraph)
Kyubi felt angry because of this, and his eyes again grew black. He went up and grabbed the man and lifted him up. "HEY! HE SAID ANSWE-" (Don't speak in caps, they are rather annoying to read, simply say your character is yelling or screaming)
before he could finish, Kyubi was knocked into a tree, out cold. (new paragraph)
The man finally spoke. "...Akuma... Akuma is my name..." (Which man? I deffinately had to re-read it a bit to kepe up with who was who)
(Sidenote: I bolded all the "he" and "his" sentances openers because I found it far too repetitive, you should use different openers such as perpositions, or words ending in "ly" or "ing" it just sounds better)
(Also, don't put in extra puncuation where it's not needed, keep it simple and clean all right?)
(Also, capitalize "i's" all the time, I guess that's a pet peeve of mine. I'm glad you capitalize the first letter for sentances too)
Now, for my example sentances to show you what I mean.
A few miles away, a mysterious man enter the premesis. He had the cloud of the Akatsuki on his uniform, however, by the looks of it, he was not a member of thee Akatsuki Clan. His origin was rather unknown.
Pure, pitch black eyes set him apart from others. With a metalic arm hidden away in his sleeve, a firm sword gripped in his right hand, which was of real flesh. On his back, he carried a huge machete, rather different than most, with the blade thick, spreading a larger distance than most others, the ends were pointed up in spikes at the top and by the holister. Clattering with a loud jingle, the chain was not easily missed that dragged about from his left foot as he walked. With his head down and mouth firmly shut, apparently he was not wanting to be disturbed.
After a while he stepped into a rather into an open area. Many stood around as they grew silent momentarily as he entered. He had stumbled into Rogen and the rest of them.
Rogen glanced at the stranger, confusing resting on his face. "Hmm... who are you?"
The stranger did not reply, his face emotionless as he scanned over the small group before him.
"Hey, answer me!" Rogen shouted, obviously upset, his voice raced as he spoke.
However, the mysteriou man was still silent.
Kyubi grew frusterated from the lack of answers as his anger got the best of him. Slowly, the white left his eyes as they turned entirely black as well, releasing his dark side. Unable to control his emotions, Kyubi rushed forward, grabing the man by the collar of his shirt and lifting him up, his feet barely off the ground. "Hey! He said 'answe-"
But he was cut off, one minute, he was holding the man's shirt, the next, he was knocked against the near-by tree, falling to the ground unconcious.
Turning, an obvious show of the strangers powers he finally spoke. "Akuma... Akuma is my name..."
