The Lizard- Sci-fi fic

[Priestess of Neptune]

Sorry about more waiting, but I'm super busy today with homework and D&D, so I'm not going to be able to edit this until at least after 11 today, or possibly tomorrow.

EDIT: I'm busy today (Sun), too. I might have time after 4. On a happier note, D&D went well. We survived 6 waves of enemies while defending a town, but ran out of time for the last wave. Our mage put the rest of us to shame on the kill count XD.

EDIT2: I'm apologetic about the time it took to get back to you on this, but we've already gone over that, so... here it is.

A thick door of steel locks on the outside, -- do you mean that it is locked from the outside, or that it prohibits egress from the room? I think you want to remove 'on', and find a new word for 'locks'.

and no windows to speak of.-- you have no subject of reference for this phrase. Also, 'to speak of' is a bromide.

In the quiet darkness-- this isn't an edit, I'm just pleased that you used personification. =) Oh, you used a loose sentence structure too! More points and exclamation marks!

Now he was a six foot, skinny beast.-- this is 100% style, but I would move 'skinny' before 'six', with no comma. If you like the rhythm the way it is, that is fine too, though.

Then the hand moved upward,-- verb tense.

screech that was barely -- ditto.

Scythe's incredible hearing, -- Another style one; you'll probably want to ignore this. I dislike the word 'incredible' in this usage, simply because

reptilian humanoid of his inhuman form.-- there's a little bit of redundancy here.

which extended an additional three feet from the base of his spine, just above the elastic band that held his boxers to his scaly form,-- tense on 'extended', and the way you have written this, this subordinate clause seems out-of-place. Perhaps you could make it into two sentences (yes, I still advise that even with my affinity for compound and compound-complex sentences).

push-up position in one fluid movement.-- a comma after 'position' is optional.

and fell away into memories -- tense.

The bit after this in bold is a flashback, so it is safe to put it into italics instead of bold (italics is the norm for flashbacks and lengthy monologues). If you want to italicize a part within such a, area that is already italicized, just remove the italization from the word you want italicized.

The boy’s mother smiled and leaned away, so she didn’t get caught in the child’s thrashing, and smiled-- tenses.

He was a strong man, though, and with his hands he crafted clay, and with his heart-- I suggest placing a semi-colon after 'though', and removing both 'and's.

with his heart he loved his family... -- I suggest using a dash instead of an ellipsis- the dash is a shorter pause, and will indicate the interruption caused by Scythe's fists much more clearly.

leaving a spider web of cracks-- hyphenate 'spider-web'.

buried deep enough.-- change 'deep' to 'deeply'.

un-outstanding features that anyone’s eyes ignore,-- 'un-outstanding'? I think you need to find a new word. Also, tense, and the comma is unnecessary.

down one pant-legs-- the leg is singular.

full of textbooks filled with weapons -- You have used 'fill' twice in close proximity. Think about changing one of them.

computer unlocked the door, and it swung open silently.-- the computer swings open silently? What? Watch what you are referencing when using pronouns.

rock and corrugated metal pipe,-- Corrugated pipe? What purpose would that serve? Perhaps you meant corroded (which would still be unlikely in a facility where a computer opens doors for you)?

He pressed the call button, which only went up,-- What? Why would a call button only go up? if you meant the button to go up, try "the 'up' call button".  

[josh the lost soul]

His room is mid-sized. Solid stone. A thick door of steel locked on the outside, and no windows to let in light.

In the quiet darkness, Scythe sits. He is not the same Scythe he was before, for the shoulder pads and tall boots that had made him seem a giant were gone. Now he was a six foot, skinny beast.

He strokes his arm. His fingers run across the rough, pebbly skin on his limb, the claws leaving behind white lines of minor annoyance. Then the hand moves upward, stroking the thick scales on his shoulder and biceps, eliciting an eerie screech that's barely perceptible to even Scythe's hearing, and reminds the reptilian humanoid of his inhuman form.

Slowly, the screech lulls him to sleep, and the rhythmic slide of his tail as it wags across the ground, reminds him of simpler times. He leans forward, moving from a cross-legged position to a push-up position in one fluid movement. Then he lays down, resting his substantial bulk on the cold ground, and he falls away into memories of his life before the Global Defence Agency, and their damned experiments.

A small boy leans against his mother, his eyes closing slowly as she watches television. A shadow looms over the two, and dark hands reach over the back of the couch. The hands grab the boy, lifting him into the air. The fingers of the man’s hands drive against the child’s ribs, tickling him and sending him into a fit of giggling and frantic writhing.

The boy’s mother smiles and leans away, so she won't get caught in the child’s thrashing, and smiles adoringly at her husband. The tall man is built stretched and skinny, with little visible muscle. He was still a strong man, though; with his hands he crafted clay, with his heart he loved his family-

With an angry snarl, Scythe rears back and slams his fists into the stone floor beneath him, leaving a spider-web of cracks across the concrete. The memories weren’t buried deeply enough. He needed a drink.

The reptilian man stood up and went to the large trunk against the south wall, opened it, and pulled out his clothes. He wore his baggy jeans and the white t-shirt with the GDA logo on it. He also pulled out his steel-toed and -soled boots, and slipped those on, pulling the jeans over the tops. Next was the long, dark brown jacket, which reached to about mid thigh, and the wide hat. The moment the hat touched his head, the image that stared out beneath the brim changed, and was of a random human male, with features that anyone’s eyes ignore, and a face that would not be recognized. The outfit almost complete, on went the gloves, fingerless and elbow length, and then a second set, which were full and fingered, to hide his clawed hands. His tail extend an additional three feet from the base of his spine just above the elastic band that held his boxers to his scaly form. He hid his tail down one pant-leg, and then put on a large backpack, full of textbooks with weapons hidden in them. Draping from the back of the pack was another field of concealment, hiding the bulge where his tail met his spine.

Scythe walked to the large door, pounded once, paused, and then again. There was a soft click as a computer unlocked the door, and the thick slab of stell swung open silently. He stepped out, and was in the “basement” of the hidden GDA facility.

He made his way down a corridor of rock and rusted metal pipe, until he reached an elevator door. He pressed the only call button, which pointed up, and waited patiently.

_____________________________________________________________

Thank you!  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Okay, I'm on time and have time this time!

A thick door of steel locked-- you need a helping verb for 'locked'.

eliciting an eerie screech that's-- contractions are generally avoided in formal writing.

as it wags across the ground, reminds-- remove the comma

Then he lays down,-- should this be lies down? I think it should, but I'm too lazy to look it up right now.

tall man is built stretched and skinny,-- I'm not sure if 'stretched' is quite the right word. The -ed and -y sound awkward together.

with his hands he crafted clay, with his heart-- Sorry, but reading it this way, I think we do need an 'and' before the second 'with'.

stared out beneath the brim changed, and was of a random human-- I suggest changing this to 'changed to that of a...'. The way it is written right now is awkward.

His tail extend an -- verb tense.

My opinion: Okay, this is looking much better. The BBCode for your italicization isn't right, but that is not very important. I hope that we'll be done with this chapter soon so that I can read the next one!  

[josh the lost soul]

His room is mid-sized. Solid stone. A thick door of steel locked on the outside, and no windows to let in light.

In the quiet darkness, Scythe sits. He is not the same Scythe he was before, for the shoulder pads and tall boots that had made him seem a giant were gone. Now he was a six foot, skinny beast.

He strokes his arm. His fingers run across the rough, pebbly skin on his limb, the claws leaving behind white lines of minor annoyance. Then the hand moves upward, stroking the thick scales on his shoulder and biceps, eliciting an eerie screech that is barely perceptible to even Scythe's hearing, and reminds the reptilian humanoid of his inhuman form.

Slowly, the screech lulls him to sleep, and the rhythmic slide of his tail as it wags across the ground reminds him of simpler times. He leans forward, moving from a cross-legged position to a push-up position in one fluid movement. Then he lays down, resting his substantial bulk on the cold ground, and he falls away into memories of his life before the Global Defence Agency, and their damned experiments.

A small boy leans against his mother, his eyes closing slowly as she watches television. A shadow looms over the two, and dark hands reach over the back of the couch. The hands grab the boy, lifting him into the air. The fingers of the man’s hands drive against the child’s ribs, tickling him and sending him into a fit of giggling and frantic writhing.

The boy’s mother smiles and leans away, so she won't get caught in the child’s thrashing, and smiles adoringly at her husband. The tall man is built stretched and skinny, with little visible muscle. He was still a strong man, though; with his hands he crafted clay, and with his heart he loved his family-

With an angry snarl, Scythe rears back and slams his fists into the stone floor beneath him, leaving a spider-web of cracks across the concrete. The memories weren’t buried deeply enough. He needed a drink.

The reptilian man stood up and went to the large trunk against the south wall, opened it, and pulled out his clothes. He wore his baggy jeans and the white t-shirt with the GDA logo on it. He also pulled out his steel-toed and -soled boots, and slipped those on, pulling the jeans over the tops. Next was the long, dark brown jacket, which reached to about mid thigh, and the wide hat. The moment the hat touched his head, the image that stared out beneath the brim changed, and became that of a random human male, with features that anyone’s eyes ignore, and a face that would not be recognized. The outfit almost complete, on went the gloves, fingerless and elbow length, and then a second set, which were full and fingered, to hide his clawed hands. His tail extends an additional three feet from the base of his spine just above the elastic band that held his boxers to his scaly form. He hid his tail down one pant-leg, and then put on a large backpack, full of textbooks with weapons hidden in them. Draping from the back of the pack was another field of concealment, hiding the bulge where his tail met his spine.

Scythe walked to the large door, pounded once, paused, and then again. There was a soft click as a computer unlocked the door, and the thick slab of stell swung open silently. He stepped out, and was in the “basement” of the hidden GDA facility.

He made his way down a corridor of rock and rusted metal pipe, until he reached an elevator door. He pressed the only call button, which pointed up, and waited patiently.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

A thick door of steel locked on the outside,-- you need a helping verb for 'locked'

then he lays down,-- this should be 'lies'.

the thick slab of stell swung open silently.-- typo- 'steel'

My opinion: Sweet! Three super quick edits, and we're done! I'm so filled with satisfaction, I think I'm going to work on my own short story- yours reminds me so much of mine. Each 'chapter' is really more like a section in a chapter, and it takes forever to write even one. Everything is right to the point, with few specious details.  

[josh the lost soul]

His room is mid-sized. Solid stone. A thick door of steel locked on the outside, and no windows to let in light.

In the quiet darkness, Scythe sits. He is not the same Scythe he was before, for the shoulder pads and tall boots that had made him seem a giant were gone. Now he was a six foot, skinny beast.

He strokes his arm. His fingers run across the rough, pebbly skin on his limb, the claws leaving behind white lines of minor annoyance. Then the hand moves upward, stroking the thick scales on his shoulder and biceps, eliciting an eerie screech that is barely perceptible to even Scythe's hearing, and reminds the reptilian humanoid of his inhuman form.

Slowly, the screech lulls him to sleep, and the rhythmic slide of his tail as it wags across the ground reminds him of simpler times. He leans forward, moving from a cross-legged position to a push-up position in one fluid movement. Then he lies down, resting his substantial bulk on the cold ground, and he falls away into memories of his life before the Global Defence Agency, and their damned experiments.

A small boy leans against his mother, his eyes closing slowly as she watches television. A shadow looms over the two, and dark hands reach over the back of the couch. The hands grab the boy, lifting him into the air. The fingers of the man’s hands drive against the child’s ribs, tickling him and sending him into a fit of giggling and frantic writhing.

The boy’s mother smiles and leans away, so she won't get caught in the child’s thrashing, and smiles adoringly at her husband. The tall man is built stretched and skinny, with little visible muscle. He was still a strong man, though; with his hands he crafted clay, and with his heart he loved his family-

With an angry snarl, Scythe rears back and slams his fists into the stone floor beneath him, leaving a spider-web of cracks across the concrete. The memories weren’t buried deeply enough. He needed a drink.


The reptilian man stood up and went to the large trunk against the south wall, opened it, and pulled out his clothes. He wore his baggy jeans and the white t-shirt with the GDA logo on it. He also pulled out his steel-toed and -soled boots, and slipped those on, pulling the jeans over the tops. Next was the long, dark brown jacket, which reached to about mid thigh, and the wide hat. The moment the hat touched his head, the image that stared out beneath the brim changed, and became that of a random human male, with features that anyone’s eyes ignore, and a face that would not be recognized. The outfit almost complete, on went the gloves, fingerless and elbow length, and then a second set, which were full and fingered, to hide his clawed hands. His tail extends an additional three feet from the base of his spine just above the elastic band that held his boxers to his scaly form. He hid his tail down one pant-leg, and then put on a large backpack, full of textbooks with weapons hidden in them. Draping from the back of the pack was another field of concealment, hiding the bulge where his tail met his spine.

Scythe walked to the large door, pounded once, paused, and then again. There was a soft click as a computer unlocked the door, and the thick slab of steel swung open silently. He stepped out, and was in the “basement” of the hidden GDA facility.

He made his way down a corridor of rock and rusted metal pipe, until he reached an elevator door. He pressed the only call button, which pointed up, and waited patiently.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Looks good! The imagery is good, and we are developing our main character nicely, even if we didn't include any plot. Interpolary chapters are way better anyway, because they're underused. One question is still in my mind, though: does Scythe have a snout-nose, or a human nose? Like is his face just scaled, or does he have a snake's head?

I did work on my story a little bit, but by a little I mean that I only typed a couple of paragraphs. It's nowhere near a presentable form.

A thick door of steel locked on the outside,-- your verb isn't conjugated correctly- you still need a helping verb! (Leave it to the english language to make conjugation so ridiculously complicated)  

[josh the lost soul]

FINAL EDIT

His room is mid-sized. Solid stone. The thick steel door locks on the outside, and there are no windows to let in light.

In the quiet darkness, Scythe sits. He is not the same Scythe he was before, for the shoulder pads and tall boots that had made him seem a giant were gone. Now he was a six foot, skinny beast.

He strokes his arm. His fingers run across the rough, pebbly skin on his limb, the claws leaving behind white lines of minor annoyance. Then the hand moves upward, stroking the thick scales on his shoulder and biceps, eliciting an eerie screech that is barely perceptible to even Scythe's hearing, and reminds the reptilian humanoid of his inhuman form.

Slowly, the screech lulls him to sleep, and the rhythmic slide of his tail as it wags across the ground reminds him of simpler times. He leans forward, moving from a cross-legged position to a push-up position in one fluid movement. Then he lies down, resting his substantial bulk on the cold ground, and he falls away into memories of his life before the Global Defence Agency, and their damned experiments.

A small boy leans against his mother, his eyes closing slowly as she watches television. A shadow looms over the two, and dark hands reach over the back of the couch. The hands grab the boy, lifting him into the air. The fingers of the man’s hands drive against the child’s ribs, tickling him and sending him into a fit of giggling and frantic writhing.

The boy’s mother smiles and leans away, so she won't get caught in the child’s thrashing, and smiles adoringly at her husband. The tall man is built stretched and skinny, with little visible muscle. He was still a strong man, though; with his hands he crafted clay, and with his heart he loved his family-

With an angry snarl, Scythe rears back and slams his fists into the stone floor beneath him, leaving a spider-web of cracks across the concrete. The memories weren’t buried deeply enough. He needed a drink.


The reptilian man stood up and went to the large trunk against the south wall, opened it, and pulled out his clothes. He wore his baggy jeans and the white t-shirt with the GDA logo on it. He also pulled out his steel-toed and -soled boots, and slipped those on, pulling the jeans over the tops. Next was the long, dark brown jacket, which reached to about mid thigh, and the wide hat. The moment the hat touched his head, the image that stared out beneath the brim changed from a long, pointed snout with short spines on the end sticking up and a goatee of hair on the bottom of the chin to that of a random human male, with features that anyone’s eyes would ignore, and a face that would not be recognized. The outfit almost complete, on went the gloves, fingerless and elbow length, and then a second set, which were full and fingered, to hide his clawed hands. His tail extends an additional three feet from the base of his spine just above the elastic band that held his boxers to his scaly form. He hid his tail down one pant-leg, and then put on a large backpack, full of textbooks with weapons hidden in them. Draping from the back of the pack was another field of concealment, hiding the bulge where his tail met his spine.

Scythe walked to the large door, pounded once, paused, and then again. There was a soft click as a computer unlocked the door, and the thick slab of steel swung open silently. He stepped out, and was in the “basement” of the hidden GDA facility.

He made his way down a corridor of rock and rusted metal pipe, until he reached an elevator door. He pressed the only call button, which pointed up, and waited patiently.

--------------------------

The moment it's ready, you post it! What's it about, anyway?

And what is a 'helping' verb?  

[Priestess of Neptune]

A helping verb is something used to help determine your tense or subject in certain cases. The most common one is "to be", which may be conjugated in such forms as was, is, are, were, will be, has been, etc. Don't ask me the rules on using them in english, because I don't know them, and my Harbrace isn't handy. I do know that you need(ed) one in this case, because "The steel door locked on the outside" just doesn't make sense when you read it to yourself. "The steel door (is/was/will be/has been/etc.) locked on the outside" makes much more sense. You just change the tense with the helping verb. If you would like to think of it in a different way, the helping verb determines the current state and tense of something, which is defined by the main verb (locked), which becomes more like an adjective than a verb.

Okay, this is a complete guess (I am making this up), but I think helping verbs are used when the verb isn't actually an action- You can 'run', but you cannot 'lock', so the helping verb allows you to use a verb in a way other than the ways it may otherwise be used normally as (ex. "I locked it", or "he locks it"). Anyway, I'll look it up on Monday when I get my Harbrace back, then you'll get a real answer.

Wow! At least someone cares about it! The story is that of an orphaned power-plant worker, who runs away from his life.  

[josh the lost soul]

It's Scythe,

Relaxed and Smokin...

and

Battle ready...


Hmm. It doesn't sound like something I'd want to read, but i'll give it a shot. Im more into the High Fantasy and Science Fiction genre's. D and D, WOW, and Stardoc! OHH YAA!  

[Priestess of Neptune]

It's good to see what he looks like! I'm not so sure about the goatee... I guess it's a macho-guy thing.

It is a fantasy story, but not of the kind that you probably read, then. Mn, I've weaned myself off of WOW. It's not an easy rehabilitation. I do still play D&D, but that's much cheaper =).  

[josh the lost soul]

I like the goatee. Usually I make mah lizard guys bald or spiky...but for some reason I think he looks better with the little bit of hair I drew on him.

I'll still read it though. And me and WOW seemed to have had a falling out, so I don't play no more. My poor, poor, poor lvl 78 tauren druid...so close and yet so far...As for D and D, I don't have the time to play. I spend most of my time doing school work and teaching Martial Arts.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Well, whatever kind of hair you like.

I'm glad that you don't play anymore- my brother is still addicted, so I get to laugh at him. I stopped at 73 or 74 on my dwarf pally. And no, I am not an Ally noob. Martial arts? That's pretty nifty. One of the players in my D&D group got his 1st level black belt two weeks ago.

I haven't had the time (or the Word doc) to work on it this weekend. I might just finish up one of the first chapters, and see how it ends up.  

[josh the lost soul]

Coo, coo.

Tell your body, from one black belt to another, "GRATZ!!"

And good luck on the story. I'm havin difficulty workin on mah next chapter...lol. I'll get to it eventually.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

I'll let him know on Fri. Okay, whenever you are ready to post it. And until then, you can entertain yourself with the new quotes I added to my profile =)