Priestess of Sekhmet
I've been waiting in the street
and I've been dreaming in the clouds
but when I looked back down
I found you were gone
and I have to wondering
where did you go now?
((I think I see what you were going for here, but try reading these aloud. It sounds kind of awkward with the almost-rhymes and the lack or rhythm.))
No, not tonight
I waited forever
but forever was to long
I didn't understand
where I went wrong.
((Again, I see what you were going for. The whimsy of a rhyme scheme might be a little much for this poem, just because it's clearly supposed to be serious.))
There's nothing left to dream
and there's nothing left to think
You've come and you've gone
and I've waited to long
((Okay, hold on. "Long" and "gone" don't rhyme. That's what I mean. It just sounds strange. It doesn't flow.))
Now that you're back
all I want to ask is,
"Why did this ever happen?"
((Better. This has great rhythm without the rhyming and that's what I like. Very, very nice.))
What was can never be.
Stop the wishing
Stop the wants
I'm done with theses things
that can not stop
((If you're going to say "Stop the wishing/stop the wants, I suggest you change it to "wanting" just because that uniformity makes it flow better.))
I'm though with the waiting
and the clouds have turned gray
my heart is in peaces
Why did you go away?
((Oh, back to the almost-rhymes....))
and I've been dreaming in the clouds
but when I looked back down
I found you were gone
and I have to wondering
where did you go now?
((I think I see what you were going for here, but try reading these aloud. It sounds kind of awkward with the almost-rhymes and the lack or rhythm.))
No, not tonight
I waited forever
but forever was to long
I didn't understand
where I went wrong.
((Again, I see what you were going for. The whimsy of a rhyme scheme might be a little much for this poem, just because it's clearly supposed to be serious.))
There's nothing left to dream
and there's nothing left to think
You've come and you've gone
and I've waited to long
((Okay, hold on. "Long" and "gone" don't rhyme. That's what I mean. It just sounds strange. It doesn't flow.))
Now that you're back
all I want to ask is,
"Why did this ever happen?"
((Better. This has great rhythm without the rhyming and that's what I like. Very, very nice.))
What was can never be.
Stop the wishing
Stop the wants
I'm done with theses things
that can not stop
((If you're going to say "Stop the wishing/stop the wants, I suggest you change it to "wanting" just because that uniformity makes it flow better.))
I'm though with the waiting
and the clouds have turned gray
my heart is in peaces
Why did you go away?
((Oh, back to the almost-rhymes....))
Poems don't have to rhyme at all. It only did sometimes. I wasn't thinking this in an rhyme poem and if you were than you weren't looking past the words to the true meanings. But thanks for taking time to look at it.
