[FIN] Too Cold

[Tori Honoo]

She shook her head. "I can't go home. Not after everything that's happened..." A deep breath. "I mean, I could. It's not just Sinnoh and my family. I-I could potentially take everything I've learned and go back, and life would go on, easily, but..."

She let her eyes fall closed for a minute as she debated how much to tell him. She knew too much about him, things he probably never wanted her to know, thanks to her idiotic choice to read Asch's letter. How much, in exchange, was too much to involve him in her own problems, however?

After a long struggle, she looked to Luke again. "I finally went home for the first time since I left, for my twenty-first birthday," she explained, with a little difficulty. "They threw a party for me, and it was beautiful, a-and I should be grateful, but...their conditions for letting me come back weren't... great."  

[Suudonym]

"I don't think you should feel like you have to be grateful if they forced you into an uncomfortable situation," he considered, unsure if she intended to explain the details but not willing to press for further information. "Doing one nice thing doesn't really excuse doing something else that's inconsiderate or hurtful."  

[Tori Honoo]

"The thing is, I can't blame them too much, because I don't think they don't even realize they're doing it," she explained, looking down at her tea once more. "I was them once... I'm not that much better now, but... I'm better than I was, when it comes to doing things like this...And they really can't understand, because I've never been able to openly communicate with them on a level deeper than high school drama."

A stab of guilt ran through her chest. She hadn't openly communicated much with anyone when it came to certain subjects, especially this one.

"My father gave me an ultimatum before allowing me to come back, and he only let me come back to fulfill it, even though both of my parents know I can't. And I don't know what to do about it, because it changes literally everything either way."  

[Suudonym]

He shook his head, recalling a quote from somewhere, "'The road to hell is paved with good intentions.' Your parents don't have any right to make demands of you, even if the only thing you ever communicate to them is that you aren't happy with what they're doing. You do have to tell them at least that much, though, especially if otherwise they wouldn't have any reason to suspect it." Such as in the case of his own father genuinely thinking that Luke would appreciate and enjoy the idea of an engagement arranged without his knowing - although he really should have at least suspected otherwise.

"One thing that I've learned about dealing with my father is that he can't force me to do anything, especially now that I'm legally recognized as an adult by my country's government," he said. "You're entitled to the right to do what you think will lead you to the life you want; you don't have to do anything they tell you, especially if it's counterproductive to your own wishes." He turned his hand to signify a change of perspective, "Of course, you have to be prepared for any social backlash that might come up - my continuing 'acts of rebellion' have put me on terrible terms with my father, and I don't see that clearing up easily. So it pretty much just comes down to an educated guess: Which path do you think you'd regret the least?"  

[Tori Honoo]

A slightly sarcastic look crossed her features at the quote; it hit incredibly close to home on so many levels it was almost funny. "They know I'm not happy with things, but further explaining exactly why to them at this point would completely demolish so many other things, and I'm not even sure they would listen to me in the first place..." she explained, shaking her head. "They can't force me to do anything, by law, but they definitely know how to twist an arm... and the social backlash... I can't even...It wouldn't just be bad for me, though I'm sure they could find a way to cover it up."

His question made her stop to think, and she continued to stare at the lid on her tea. "It's all so twisted up...If I do what they want me to, I'll be caging myself completely after hiding from people I'm 'close' to, but it's something I...basically agreed to before I came to Kodo. I guess that in itself says something, now that I think about it... If I refuse, I don't-- I'm not sure I can...." She stilled and closed her eyes, trying to set her thoughts straight. "As pathetic as it sounds, I'm not sure how I could keep up without their backing. And to be honest, if vain, the only thing I've ever really been taught to do to any extent is model and be a 'good wife'. I'm still in the process of learning to actually be useful in a decent way..."  

[Suudonym]

He frowned contemplatively as he listened, trying to connect her words to his basic understanding of the situation. "Honestly, I'm not sure if I can give a very good recommendation without knowing much about what exactly is going on," he admitted, "but I know that a defeatist attitude isn't going to help anything. It's rare that my father really understands things that I explain to him, but if I don't try then the possibility doesn't even exist. It doesn't always go well, and I usually end up thinking it was a waste of time to try, but trying in itself isn't something to regret." Better to try and fail than to never have tried at all, as the saying went.

He shook his head slightly, "You can't always be expected to honor agreements made in the past; people change." He paused to consider further response. "Just going exclusively from what you're saying, without knowing much about it, it sort of sounds like you're choosing between disliking the future and being uncertain about it." His disposition softened with the direction of his thought. "From my experience, there are miracles in uncertainty. The greatest possibilities lie in what you don't know. I guess that's why people encourage 'taking the plunge.'"  

[Tori Honoo]

She nodded slowly. "I could try talking with them again, but I...I really don't think they'd believe me. I had to remove myself from the entire situation and even realize there was life to live outside of it before I thought there was anything unbearable about it..." And going back to it would be an indescribable hell. "I'm just not sure how to explain it to them without jeopardizing a ridiculous image and making a bigger deal of things altogether."

She was being vague-- he had already alluded to the difficulty he was having in helping her twice. "I'm not certain 'uncertain' is an honest enough word...more like absolutely panicked. 'Taking the plunge' would mean completely abandoning everything I've known all my life and being completely vulnerable to everything, and...trust isn't exactly my strong suit."

She paused, clearly debating something in her mind. Her hands trembled a little as she finally took the lid from her tea, desperate for it's calming powers. "If I explained the situation to you... would you keep it completely private...?" she asked quietly. "I haven't-- ....I haven't even told Yuri yet..."She shook her head again. "I'll understand completely, though, if you don't want to be so involved."  

[Suudonym]

He wore a quiet empathy in his features; panic over the possibilities of the future was not something he was unfamiliar with, such as confessing a desire to marry to the woman he loved and being answered with tears - or, far less pleasantly, awakening to an absence of sensation in his legs and being told that it was inconclusive whether or not it would be permanent. "Would you give up the possibility of finding something you love just because the path is scary, though?" he said. "Fighting Team Rocket is scary - not just scary, but actively perilous - and you were out with the rest of us that day last summer. You have the power to move things, as long as you're willing to push."

Her offer to explain further was met with a mild surprise in response to the apparent strictness of its secretive nature, though he was unsure how much he could become involved in something just from hearing an explanation. "If you're comfortable telling me."  

[Tori Honoo]

The cost was so hard to explain, and she found herself wondering if it really was worth what she thought it was, or if she had just tricked herself into thinking it was valuable to her and those around her, just as she had tricked herself into thinking so many things before. The unsettling feeling in her chest was confusing and, simply, scary. "I was, and I wouldn't take that back for anything in the world. It's one of the reasons I don't want to go back. But there's power in resource, and giving that up isn't just scary. It's almost like I would be wasting something that could benefit everyone. Potentially. I don't know," she sighed, her shoulders tense as she sipped at the tea.

The surprise in his expression made her all the more hesitant, and yet bolstered her decision to meet him. "They'll know eventually anyway..." she admitted sadly, reaching up to tuck her hair back. "I've hidden it long enough as it is, and Yuri is already suspicious. I'm just not sure how to go about it without another fight, and as things are, I'm not sure I would survive that let alone everything else..."

A long pause, her lips parting once or twice in a failed attempt, before finally: "My parents want me to go through with a marriage I had agreed to before I came to Kodo that's been building for years... to a man that I finally ran from, telling them that I needed to figure things out with a short vacation to clear my head." And, oh, had it been cleared. She tightened her hold on her cup. "I thought I had made it clear how I felt about it when my ex An extra emphasis was placed on the word to show how she obviously felt about the groom in question. "--showed up, unexpectedly, but when I went home after avoiding them for so long, they just..." She shook her head, forcing herself to meet his gaze head on. "The day of my birthday, my father 'suggested' that I marry on my own before the end of the year, which is... terrifically impossible in every sense-- or I come home and go through with things as planned."  

[Suudonym]

"It sounds like you can't have both, though, right?" he hazarded. "If staying in Kodo means giving up your resources and keeping them means leaving Kodo…" He paused in consideration. "Though honestly, I don't know if material resources are what Kodo really needs right now, certainly not as much as it needs human resources, at least." The trainer population seemed to fluctuate depending on the activities of Team Rocket, and with it fluctuated Kodo's supply of individuals willing to stand and fight to defend the region.

The details that she explained sounded familiar - not in all aspects, but in those that were applicable to himself, very familiar indeed. That certainly changed the nature of the recommendations he thought it prudent to give. "I was in a similar situation not too long ago," he said. "Set up to marry-- not someone I dislike, but someone I didn't love. What I decided was that it was cruel to everyone involved to go through with it. Marrying someone without loving them, without even thinking that you might eventually come to love them, is just binding you both to an unhappy future. Even if the other party is okay with it, or even excited about it, there's no point if you can't reciprocate." A shrug. "I was sort of thinking under pressure, but that's what I came up with, and that's what I still believe."  

[Tori Honoo]

She shook her head; there was no way to have both. "We need the man power, but the people need the resources to keep them afloat...I guess the trainers alone might be more important though..." she found herself agreeing.

The revelation that he had been through something similar was surprising, but not so much as she might have thought. "It is cruel... He's cruel. I don't want to marry him, but my family...they're my family." Her heart pounded against her chest. "Its not a matter of forcing myself to love him... Before I came here, I had myself convinced it was okay. I didn't realize how wrong it all was until I was away from him, but now they want me back and I don't know what to do." Another deep breath. "I was so ready for this before I came here... to anyone else, if would be such an easy life to live. Explaining to my parents why it's not though is impossible."  

[Suudonym]

"It's still catch-22 then," he said. "Give up your resources to stay in Kodo, or withdraw from Kodo to keep your resources. Personally I believe the resources are overwhelmingly less important compared to the manpower. Of course people need financial resources in order to access things like potions and antidotes, but the healing items become unnecessary if there aren't trainers to use them. It's like putting the rifle before the solider."

He shook his head in contradiction, "You don't have any obligation to your family. You can't choose your family, you know? You're stuck with them, but it's your choice whether or not you let them stay stuck to you. You don't have to explain anything; you're not even obligated to try if you really don't want to."

He rested his elbow on the table to rest his chin thoughtfully on the heel of his palm. "What you're saying reminds me a lot of how Nicolette talked. If her parents decided something, she figured she had no choice but to follow along. The difference is that she seemed to be perfectly happy with it, whereas you're obviously unhappy with it." He recalled an analogy he had offered Nicolette that she hadn't seemed to respond to; perhaps it would make more sense to Dove, who was in an active state of dissonance with her parents' decision, "Pokemon disobey their trainers if they don't agree with their orders, and you certainly have at least as much free will as a pokemon. You have every right to say no to something you don't like."  

[Tori Honoo]

"Financial resources, and homes, and...medical bills," she laughed, though there was a terrible lack of humor in her voice, as if it was nearly enough to make her cry. "I know there are other means of getting things like insurance and...well, money in general, but I... I have no idea. I was never taught any of that, and I can learn, obviously but..." It was daunting, the mass of things she had never bothered with. "When you grow up thinking someone else will do it for you, it makes reality a lot more difficult."

Reference to Nicolette, drew a confused expression to her face, and she listened closely for relevancy. "Nicolette? Was she involved...?" she asked, piecing things together slowly. The analogy earned a sigh. "Yes, but pokemon can also live in the woods and be completely content, for the most part. I know I can turn them down, but that means completely ruining an entire image I built for myself, as well as parts of my family's image, business deals between families, and I know appearances don't mean much at all, but there's so much at stake." She forced herself to take a sip of the tea to alleviate her sticking throat. "They're ignorant, and spoiled, and...rich, but they're my family. Turning on them, and my base at home, by dropping the whole 'good girl' thing would be awful."  

[Suudonym]

"It does," he agreed, "but difficult isn't impossible. You just have to be willing to invest an effort. You know," he wasn't sure if he had ever mentioned this or not, "before I came to Kodo, I spent basically my entire life forbidden from leaving my house. I couldn't even buy a boat ticket myself, and I would have starved on the streets if I hadn't happened to run into Rosie and been lucky enough that she didn't mind explaining how hotels work. Difficult, maybe overwhelming or even frightening, but not impossible."

He began to shake his head, then paused and shrugged instead. "Yeah, but this was about something else," he said. "She returned to Grande Ile at the beginning of the month. When I asked if she would ever return to Kodo again, she said she would ask her parents and, well…" And then they'd shared in a frustrating exchange about independent will and self-determination. With a slight frown, he listened as she explained her reasoning. "But you're saying you wouldn't be comfortable, right?" he reminded. "You don't like the person you're supposed to marry and you don't agree with your parents' decision for you to marry him, but you still think it would be more comfortable because of what? Access to luxury? Appearances? A name that doesn't really mean anything in Kodo anyway?" He shook his head briefly, "A person's image is based not only on the person's own actions, but on how others interpret those actions. To my friends, I'm strong willed and resolute for standing against my father's decisions. To my father, and probably to a lot of the people he talks to, I'm rebellious and difficult. It comes down to whose opinion you value more."  

[Tori Honoo]

"I'm not sure myself alone is enough..." she said softly, afraid to comment on his own experience, though she was a little surprised that he had been so far removed from everything to such a point. "The few things I can do are things that require the lifestyle I have now... or at least the backing. And my family... if things go as wrong as they could, I'm not sure how they would even begin to survive." It was, of course, just a worst case scenario in her head, but it wasn't impossible, and the idea of doing something of that nature to her own flesh and blood was unthinkable, just as letting go of the resources she now used on her small endeavors was.

Again, a hopeless laugh escaped before she caught herself, and she shook her head. "Comfortable? I won't be able to forgive myself for going back to him, Luke. But it's better than hurting my family and the people I've found to support..." The guilt in that alone was enough to have her thinking far more than just twice. "I would miss the luxury for myself, of course-- I don't know anyone who wouldn't. My own appearance is something I've built since I was younger, when I first started out in my career. I thought I could at least salvage that by ending it, but now I'm not even sure if that was the right choice either..." Her scars had been a large factor in that as well as a desire for something...more. Volunteering and learning basics wouldn't get her too far, though they had, of course, proved helpful, such as with Yuri's case in the woods, but to have no source of income to provide more education for herself... Again, not impossible, but definitely not an easy task. "They're powerful people, Luke...influential and powerful, despite all of their flaws."