[PRP] Three Years Later

[Blood_Goddess]

She opened her mouth to reply, but stopped, remembering the promise she had made to him before.
She wanted to say that this didn't count, but that probably wouldn't appear so to Luke, though she had to remind herself that this was a decision she had come to terms with before she made that promise.
Still, the look on his face reminded her that she was again just doing what she told herself she wouldn't do.
"Uh- a while ago, yes, but you were still recovering and you weren't getting a whole lot of sleep at night, and its just... its not something that can just be talked out, there isn't anything I can do about it either way." she stammered through explanations. "I'm sorry, I promise this wasn't weighing on me when I told you I would talk to you about my problems more."

She cast a glanced over to her Pokemon, feeling a new swell of guilt from the looks that they were giving her. She hoped it wouldn't happen this way.  

[Suudonym]

He shook his head, hoping to dismiss the pressure he had apparently unintentionally put on her. "I know, and I understand; I just don't understand how you reached that kind of conclusion... I would think that you'd be even more suited for this than me, as hard as you've worked, and for so long," he explained.  

[Blood_Goddess]

Rosie paused, a swell of words racing up to be said, only to be held back as she slowly glanced over at her pokemon.
"... Sweeties, will you mind waiting out back for a little bit..." she asked uncertainly.
Waiting as they begrudgingly (some more then others) made their way to the back where the larger members of the team were.

As the door slid closed, Rosie glanced back at Luke, shifting her stance so that she could make her way over to the living room, closing her laptop and picking it up off the floor.
"There's no way I would be suited for that kind of work, not after sitting down and giving it some real thought. I think my team would be great, and I know they would love it, but its not them, its just me." She explained placing the laptop down onto the coffee table. still just trying to maintain an understanding to herself that this was just the facts, no matter how she felt about them.
"I meant to tell them before, I was hoping to at least sit down and talk to them about it." She admitted sheepishly "I guess I waited too long."  

[Suudonym]

There were a number of ways he could think to respond, and a moment passed before he decided on the one he wanted to voice in reply, "I don't get the feeling that you're really happy with that, though." She wasn't suited, it was what was best, if the League benefited she was fine with it... With the information she gave, he could only draw assumptions about her feelings. "If that's the case, then I don't want you to just give up and put it aside.  

[Blood_Goddess]

"Its not that..." She paused, then reached down to start gathering the fabric folds on the carpet. "There isn't anything I can really do about it. Its fine, I'm okay with being able to volunteer."

This was embarrassing, thinking about this was humiliating, and the fact that she knew there was nothing she could do about it was just making her feel worse.
She knew she should just talk openly about it, her thoughts kept telling her that it didn't matter, she should be able to just talk about it, but something else was just blocking the words, and a more powerful voice just told her not to, despite what she knew was right, and fare to Luke.
This was hard.  

[Suudonym]

He reflexively leaned to help her, speaking gently, "That's not what I'm asking, though. I was okay with working at the embassy, but it wasn't what I wanted, I wasn't happy, and I decided to put up with it because I thought there wasn't anything I could do about it."  

[Blood_Goddess]

"But there was something you could do about it, you left, and now you're doing something you can do, and that you'll be able to do well."
She pointed out. draping part of the fabric of her arm, and shrugging as she smoothed it out.  

[Suudonym]

He nodded, "That was the solution that I didn't acknowledge until I didn't have a choice. It was there, but I didn't think it was something I could do." He paused, disquiet creasing his features. "Honestly, I still don't really understand what you're thinking, how you came to this conclusion. But if there's something you want to do, we can find a way for you to do it."  

[Blood_Goddess]

She shook her head softly but didn't look up from the fabric she was holding.
Rosie thought she was over this, but that lump was back in her throat making her feel heavy and sick to now many times she tried to swallow it.
She didn't want to say it.
"I c-can't." She started hesitantly, "I can't do it, I can't, a-and the more I try and find a reason why I can, I just think of more reasons why I can't. I let people walk all over my feelings, I... I... I've never known how to handle... anything, not when it matters and just the idea... it... it-... I just can't."

She swallowed hard a few times, and continued to pick up her things from the floor.  

[Suudonym]

He leaned to bring a light touch to the side of her face, hoping to catch her gaze. "Saying 'I can't, I can't' won't solve anything," he said softly. "If you really don't want to think about it anymore, I'll leave it alone. But if this is as stressful and uncomfortable as it seems, then I'd like to try and help you find something you're happier with." He offered an encouraging smile. "There have been a lot of things that I thought I couldn't do, but they were only impossible because I was trying to do them alone."  

[Blood_Goddess]

She stopped moving at the soft touch, the gesture bringing her posture back up, though for another couple of seconds carried in silence she didn't quite look up her previously tense shoulders drooping.
She wanted to take the offer to just drop it, she could just reassure everyone, including herself that it was okay, and she could be happy with this.
But the idea of just wasting the past three years was starting to weight heavily on her chest.
"I can't fight people... I can't hurt people, and when things get serious, I've never been able to do... anything." She explained
"When it really matters, I've never been able to do what you've done what the others can do or gone what you've gone though. Just the idea of it makes me feel so sick I can barely move or think..."  

[Suudonym]

He shook his head. "No more 'can't.' Saying you can't is banned for the rest of the conversation," he said, his tone, despite the sincerity of the sentiment, light and nearly teasing in hopes that he could encourage her to relax, even if only a little. "You don't want to hurt people," he corrected. "There's nothing strange about that. Honestly, someone like me who doesn't hesitate to get into a fight is probably much more of an anomaly." His gaze fell in recollection, "And you know, when I was still new to Kodo and was carrying around that sword and talking big about how I would use it to protect people, I think I must have been picturing something like out of a storybook, where the hero bravely strikes down all evil that stands before him." He exhaled quietly, wearing a heavy smile. "I'm pretty sure the first time I actually used that sword against someone was also the last time. It wasn't anything like I imagined - it was terrifying. For a long time I didn't even want to look at my sword, or anything that remotely reminded me of it. Even once I got up the nerve to use it again, it was just for exercise. I didn't carry for defense again until... just recently, actually."

He paused, running through what he had said and what he still wanted to say. "The fact that you already know how awful it is to hurt someone puts you leagues ahead of where I was when I started out. But you know, fighting a person doesn't always mean hurting them, and hurting a person doesn't always mean hurting them badly - even a broken bone will heal in a few months. But you know, I don't fight to hurt people. It's never my goal to hurt anyone. It's protecting, so that innocent people with good intentions don't get hurt by criminals."  

[Blood_Goddess]

‘No more can’t’ large blue eyes lifted to finally look back to meet her fiancé’s after his words, her lips parting slightly as if she had a beginning though to say something, only no noise followed.
Instead, she bit her lip a second later, averting his eyes to his shoulder, her eyebrows knitting ever so slightly as a soft blush crossed over her cheeks.
She wasn’t sure how she was supposed to relay what her feelings were without using ‘can’t’ She wasn’t sure she could stop feeling any less strongly about what she couldn’t do, but what Luke said was an intense reminded to Rosie that this was not a mindset that she usually accepted herself… it wasn’t how her mother raised her, This wasn’t her… so why was it so hard to shake?

Either way, she gave a gentle nod to show she understood, swallowing hard once more and returning her eyes to Luke, listening closely as he continued to speak.
A couple of times he managed to get a small smile out of her, she certainly remembered what he was like about his sword when he first showed up, though it was fun to watch him practice, for being a deadly weapon she had never seen someone actually use one, and it was easy to forget, while watching the beautiful dance a swordsman did with his weapon, that they were dangerous.
This was made clear as he expressed an experience of using the sword as it was meant.
Her tentative smile sobered at once and she blinked at him.
"You did?" it was concerning, especially from how he explain how he felt about it.

He wasn’t done speaking however, and her face once again fell as he finished speaking,
“I thought that it would eventually make sense if I kept trying, that I would figure something out… but it’s been three years, Luke… somehow I don’t think that puts me ahead.”
Her hand reached up to rub at her neck nervously “Being like this doesn’t let me be a good fit for Special ops either....”
It barely made her right for the amazing Pokémon she was lucky enough to have on her team.
Again her head moved slowly, shaking it from side to side with a down trodden demeanor. "You're so much better at protecting people, so much braver, even after everything you've been through... I can't even... ever imagine what that must be like. Its just..."  

[Suudonym]

He nodded faintly, "It was for exactly the reason I always said I planned to use it: to protect someone. The consequences weren't easy, by any means - it was the hardest thing I had to face since coming to Kodo - but the alternative was that a friend, a good person, would have been killed." He drew a breath to continue but gave himself pause with a passing thought, shaking his head just slightly, "It'd be a straight lie to say that I've forgiven myself for what happened, but with the alternative, I think I'd probably just hate myself." Being responsible for a death... If he had to choose, if he absolutely had to choose, he knew that he could tolerate responsibility for the death of a villain more than he could the death of a comrade, though neither was an especially ideal outcome.

"It's not something you can really make sense of," he said, shrugging mildly. "When you get to the bottom of it, it's just prioritizing human lives based on which ones you personally like more - which sounds like an ugly and selfish thing to do, but sometimes there's no choice." He raised a shoulder, "Though honestly, it only sounds as ugly as you phrase the words. Prioritizing people based on who you like best, or protecting yourself and the people who are important to you. Both are true in their own way, but it's up to you to decide which lens you want to view it through."

The claim of his bravery received in reply another shake of his head and a sad denial, "I'm not someone who should be called brave. I can only do as much as I can because because I'm afraid. The thought of losing someone important is the kind of thing that gives me nightmares." Briefly he wore a slight, self-deprecating smile, though as he continued to speak, his expression gained a gentle encouragement, "You're the strongest person I know, and I think your heart knows how to act but your kindness stops you."  

[Blood_Goddess]

This she had no idea about, that fact was clear as day on her features, she could tell it was still something he didn't like to recall, from the way he was talking about it, or the mannerisms.
"I had no idea... when did this happen?"
It was terrifying, even just knowing the basics as he felt he should share them.
she understood the reasoning, but all the same, there was a twisting in her gut at the idea of having to make a choice like that.

Making a choice, its easy to pick out the people who mean so much more to you, but everything about the idea of picking and choosing human beings just didn't sit well with her, She didn't want to think about it like that.
"Why can't everyone just be helped?" She asked, "Why does someone have to pick and choose?"
A part of her understand how stupid of a question that was, and her rounded shoulders showed that much, Making her feel only more silly, that she still wanted to just believe it.
Turning away, her posture shifting so that she was facing the coffee table.

"That is brave." She told him, "Being able to do what you need to, even though you're afraid. That's being brave."
She made no comment when he applied a view onto her, bringing a shaking hand to pretty her palms against her eyes, her teeth biting hard against each other.

Strength, she wanted to be, but she didn't feel strong, not after realizing that she had spent the last three years working at becoming something, only to realize to late that she was too kind to actually do it?
"But where does that leave me?" She gasped in barely a whisper.
Ashamed, and humiliated, especially after just now learning that Luke had had to use his sword against someone to save another life, something she knew a lot of other trainers had had to do before.
Yuri, when he had saved Luke and Dove. Guy, when Asch had a knife to her, and Dith bleeding out on the ground. So many times she's seen act of the greatest heroism.