[FIN] At a Loss

[insidiousEnigma]

“You seem to think that I do a lot of things for the sake of being polite.” He pointed out before taking a sip of his own drink. “I am not as much of a people pleaser as you might think me to be.” But perhaps that would just be the way that Akira thought of him. It annoyed him to think that the other would think that he wasn’t his own person. That he would do things simply to make other people happy.

Andre cut things open just to see how they looked inside.
He poked and prodded until the was nothing left.
He liked watching the fear in people’s eyes and their faces crumple just before they began to cry.
He carved his intials into two different people just because he felt like it.

He didn’t do anything for the sake of anyone unless it benefited him in some way as well.

“If you’re going to put it that way then I guess that means I accepted your invitation to ease some of my boredom.” He pointed out. “But I think that we both enjoy each other’s company in our own ways and so yes, you may be lonely and I was available and I may have been bored and you offered a distraction but there’s hardly anything wrong with that.” He shrugged as well. “Is that not how friendships work? Give and take? We’re mutually benefitting from each other’s company, so let’s try to enjoy it.”

He reached out once more, this time to pat Akira’s arm in a somewhat comforting way. “I had known Vincent for a decade and have known Louis even longer, I don’t think your saying really holds up.” He said lightly. “I really do think you’re quite charming. Perhaps a little too critical of yourself but you’re very bright, caring, and in my opinion very easy to be around. Hopefully you’ll believe me one day so you can be more at ease in my company.” He let his hand drop to the table so he could trace the worn wood as he sipped at his drink.  

[Akira Midoriyama]

“Ah...sorry,” Akira apologized, finally losing his slow struggle against the blush spreading across his pale apricot complexion. "I didn't meant to insinuate you were a people-pleaser, exactly. I just meant...well, you just never seem to do anything awkward or wrong or upsetting to anyone even on accident. So I hope you'll forgive me if I say I have a hard time imagining you doing anything against the grain."

Listening to Andre's explanation regarding their friendship, the silver-haired man's lips pursed. "I don't know...it just seems...different than a normal friendship somehow." There was a weird feeling that bubbled up in the pit of his stomach and no matter how hard he tried to quash or ignore it, it wouldn't go away. The more Andre spoke to him, the worse it got. "Not that I know all that much about normal friendships, but if you put it in the context of us just using each other, it seems like something's missing. Like...I don't know, I..."

Akira's voice began to shake and when Andre touched his arm, it was trembling. The younger man snatched it away immediately. "I want to help you, but I know I can't, so it just hurts being around you when all I can do is just provide entertainment." His head was bowed to his chest so his hair fell over his beat-red face. “I-I don’t know if I can ever be at ease in your company because...there’s just something about you...it...my insides feel weird,” he mumbled, his voice almost inaudible as he clutched at his stomach and bent over double in his seat. “Arceus, I didn’t think I would lose control so damn easily…” he groaned to himself. Perhaps it was Andre’s effect on him or Adam’s absence or a combination, but whatever it was, he was suddenly overwhelmed with a wave of emotion.  

[insidiousEnigma]

Andre laughed, “You haven’t known me for all that long, Akira.” He said wryly. “I’ve had my fair share of embarrassing moments and believe it or not I can be rather tactless.” It was generally when he felt like being blunt and watching people squirm, but still. “I was...awkward as a teenager.” He looked around to make sure no one was paying them any attention before motioning around his head and tapping his teeth. “I had headgear instead of normal braces. My grandparents seemed to think it was a good idea despite the fact that they could afford to put braces on at least a thousand children.” He said the last bit bitterly, still incredibly annoyed at the two years of lisping and taunting he had had to endure.

The purple-haired man cocked his head slightly, “You sound a bit like my younger brother. He constantly worries about what’s considered normal in terms of social interactions. I don’t think that there is a normal way to make friends. There’s what’s described in media but not everyone acts that way.”

His eyebrows furrowed slightly, confused at the others sudden distress. “Akira…” He sat up straight, switched his crossed legs, and clasped his hands in his lap. “Why do you feel that you need to help me?” He asked curiously. Did he think that just because Vincent died he was torn up emotionally and wasn’t sure how to cope? Whatever the others reasoning, he simply stared impassively at the silver-haired male as he did...whatever it was he was doing. Probably trying to cope with his emotions. But Akira certainly had good instincts, he wasn’t someone to be trusted. Good for him for being able to pick up on it. Though he really had no ill-will towards the younger man he supposed he couldn’t fault him for being wary.  

[Akira Midoriyama]

In spite of everything, Akira couldn’t help laughing a little at Andre’s mention of being an awkward teenager and that he had worn headgear. “I...hadn’t realized that was still an option
in this day and age," he admitted. "Perhaps it worked out for the best, though, if you were really as awkward as you claim. Like that story of the Ugly Duckling, though I'm afraid I still have trouble envisioning you being anything but graceful, elegant and confident." That must have been a tough time for Andre if he'd had to deal with that, and as a teenager no less. Still, though, he had obviously learned to move past that while Akira still felt as awkward as he had in his high school days. And he didn't even have anything like braces to blame it on.

"Ahh...I don't think I've met your younger brother yet, have I?" he said thoughtfully. "I hope I get the chance some time. He must really be special with you two being so close." It sounded like they really did have similar worries in common, too. Akira wondered idly if said younger brother had had the same upbringing that Andre and himself had gone through. "I suppose you're right about there not being a normal way, but...I don't..." He grit his teeth, that unwelcome feeling surging through him once more.

When Andre asked him directly about why he felt the need to help him, Akira knew he couldn't handle it anymore. He bit his lip hard to the point that it bled but he didn't even notice the taste of blood in his mouth. He took in a shuddering breath to try to force out the words he knew would have to be said sooner or later. Might as well get it over with now.

"The last time I felt like this, I had a very bad crush on someone," he blurted, peering up at the other man through his silver bangs. "And I don't want to make anything awkward between us, especially since Adam's not around right now. It's been like this since I first met you, but naturally you had Vincent and everything, so I...uh...I thought it would go away. I'd have thought I would have gotten used to you by now." He turned his head and moved to stand. "I'm sorry, I really need to know when to keep my thoughts to myself...commoner life has made me more inappropriate in my behavior and words than ever...um. I think I’ll be going, now. Thank you for meeting me."  

[insidiousEnigma]

“Yeah, neither did I.” He muttered bitterly, a slight pout pushing at his lips. “It got caught on everything. My shirts, silverware, my grandfather’s Arcanine’s collar once…” He shook his head and heaved a heavy sigh. “I think it’s rather a miracle that I made it out of my teenage years alive. Let alone being ‘elegant and confident’.”

At the mention of his brother, Andre perked up rather noticeably. “I don’t think you have but oh, you must!” He said excitedly, reaching into his pocket to retrieve his phone. “He’s absolutely precious. He’s not too social but he’s the sweetest boy you will ever meet.” He said distractedly as he flipped through his phone before turning it for Akira to see. On the screen was a picture of Andre and a boy that was obviously his brother. Zacharie looked a bit scandalized, as if the picture was a complete surprise to him but he was smiling faintly and his cheeks were flushed red, one pressed against Andre’s, as the older man smiled brightly.

His smile dropped as he set his phone on the table, temporarily forgotten in the face of Akira’s confession. Because that’s what this was...wasn’t it? Just like in movies or in those silly little comics that Zacharie liked to read. “Hm…” He watched the other thoughtfully, unsure entirely of how to feel or what to say. Though as the other went to leave, his hand snapped out to grip the others wrist.

He held on tightly as he peered across the table, his pale gaze intense on the other. “You haven’t said nor done anything inappropriate, Akira.” He said slowly, firmly, trying to get the message across. “You haven’t made anything awkward on my end and I would very much appreciate it if you don’t run away the second I let go.” His gaze flickered down to where he was still gripping the others wrist before he slowly released it.  

[Akira Midoriyama]

Akira had been content to hear about a more human side of what he’d come to think of an almost ethereal being. The idea of how much trouble it would have been and patience it would have taken to deal with braces like those gave him an even greater appreciation for the purple-haired man. It had been harder to think Andre would have ever known what Akira felt like being an awkward, queer high schooler, but now that he knew more of his past, it made the shop clerk wonder if the aristocrat had gained such an impenetrable, calm, cool outward exterior from having had to deal with trials like that in his prior youth. That sounded like it would have made anyone develop a thick hide if subjected to it long enough provided they didn’t break under the high school stress and pressure of peer ridicule.

His obvious, unhindered enthusiasm toward showing off his little brother also endeared the younger man to him. The picture made him want to laugh again even though inwardly his feelings screamed the contrary. What a face that boy had on! Yes, Akira thought he probably would have felt like Zacharie looked in that picture if it had been him. It really was adorable, though. He certainly hoped to meet this younger sibling some day. It must have been interesting having Andre for an older brother. That was for another day, though.

Upon finding his wrist caught, Akira froze, startled at yet another sudden touch from Andre. His own body was still faintly shaking and he feared that if he was left to stand there any longer without being able to walk away, his knees might have very well given out under him. To prevent himself from any further self-humiliation, he forced his legs to bend and sat himself hard back down in his chair. He continued to in the opposite direction, fighting the urge to spring up and dash off. With his luck and his current state of mind, he was likely to have tripped and fallen flat on his face instead anyway.

“Being...this emotional in public is already horrendously inappropriate,” he managed, forcing the words past the painful lump in his throat as he glared with watery, red-rimmed eyes at the concrete ground. “Not just...for those brought up...like we were, but...men in general...or even...just people presuming to be strong-minded enough...to have everything together…” He cleared his throat viciously, angry at himself for finding it so hard to speak, let alone properly communicate. “...I don’t want you to see me like this.”  

[insidiousEnigma]

Andre looked down at the cement as well, unsure of what to tell someone that cared so much about how others perceived him. He’d never had such a problem. After he’d reached a certain age things like that seemed to get less and less important and easier and easier for him to control. He knew that’s not how Akira functioned but he found himself vaguely annoyed that it was keeping the other so tied up.
“I don’t think any less of you...if that’s a concern of yours.” He said flatly, tone matter-of-fact. “But...I think I can understand what you mean.” There were people that you just couldn’t show any weakness to. Heaven forbid his grandparents see any of his weaknesses…

He’d have to kill them.

“The only thing that I can think to say is..try not to let other people’s opinions of you rule how you live. But I recognize that that’s easier said than done.”  

[Akira Midoriyama]

At Andre’s words, Akira laughed bitterly and flopped onto the tabletop, burying his head under his arms as his shoulder shook. “You - don’t you see?” his muffled voice said, edged with hysterics. “It’s not other people’s opinions I care about. It’s yours. The more a person matters to you, the more you care about their opinion. That’s the way I understand it is for most people, at least.” He let out a shuddering breath.

“If you want to act this way about it, then, though, perhaps we won’t have any problems after all. We can go on how we’ve always been; provided I can keep myself in check, of course.” He shifted his chin to rest atop his folded arms and peeked at Andre with one reddened eye through his disheveled, asymmetrical bangs. His smile was one of helplessness and defeat. “I don’t know whether or not it would be wise to try get to know you better despite how much I want to.”  

[insidiousEnigma]

Andre couldn’t help the little glow of satisfaction knowing that Akira cared about his opinion as he watched the younger male sprawl his torso across the table. “Then there’s nothing to worry about since I have such a high opinion of you then, right?” He cocked his head, though smiled when he caught Akira looking at him.

“You don’t have to ‘keep yourself in check’.” He frowned, as if the very thought offended him. “I feel that would make for a fairly strained relationship and...how to I put this delicately…?” He trailed off, looking up to the sky as if the words would drop down from the clouds above. “I wouldn’t be put off by your, ah...affections, if you so chose to pursue them.” He lowered his gaze to give the other a small, honest, moderately sheepish smile.  

[Akira Midoriyama]

“Baaaakaaa...” he sulked, making a face and putting his head back down again. “You don’t have the kind of opinion of me I’d want you to have and there’s likely nothing I can do to change it.” He sat up and ran a hand through his hair to get his bangs out of his face, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply through his nose. When he opened his eyes again and set them on Andre, his expression was blank.

Getting up from his seat, he walked over to the older man with a deadpan expression and sat himself down on the other’s lap, his face never changing. “You’re not making sense, Andre,” he said, his voice as emotionless as his features. “Explain, please.”  

[insidiousEnigma]

“And how do you know what my opinion is like?” He asked petulantly, turning his face away in an obviously pouty way. He was still watching the other from the corner of his eye though and when the other stood, he thought perhaps Akira decided it was time to leave.

...He barely had enough time to get his hands out of the way before he found himself with a lapful of Akira.

“I don’t see how I am not making sense.” He said, letting his arms drape over the others legs to lightly hold on to them, his hands curling around the far side of the others thigh. “If you want to pursue a romantic relationship with me I wouldn’t object, in fact, I would welcome it.” He shrugged and looked up at the other with a curious expression. “But you seem to have objections to the idea, so I believe the saying is, ‘the ball is in your court’.”  

[Akira Midoriyama]

“Ah, see, ‘affections’ doesn’t always translate to ‘romantic relationship’,” Akira chuckled, reaching out a finger to tap Andre’s nose. “How was I supposed to gather that?” Another shiver ran through him when the purple-haired man held him, however light his touch was. “Unh...An-Andre...you don’t strike me as the sort of person to value...what society would generally consider ‘romance’...in a relationship,” he said breathily, putting an arm about Andre’s shoulders.

As he had already expected to be pushed off or away at this point, it was somewhat unnerving and yet also thrilling to be able to continue doing what he wouldn’t have dared do in his right state of mind. Being emotionally-impaired as he was just then, though, Akira felt like being a little daring. He had expected Andre to bring him back to his senses, but instead the older man seemed to be driving him closer toward the edge of his rational sanity.

“What about Louis? And Vincent?” he asked, reaching out with his free hand to touch the ring on Andre’s. “You don’t think they’d get upset if I tried to do that?” Not to mention Adam. But Adam hadn’t said anything in three months. He had kept Akira worried and lonesome without any word for far too long. Akira kept thinking maybe it wasn’t his fault, but there were so many ways he could have gotten a message to him...it just didn’t seem fair. Dark thoughts kept crossing the silver-haired trainer’s mind. Maybe Adam was sick of him. Maybe the blonde teen didn’t want any more trouble that came of a Rocket and civilian relationship. Maybe he was avoiding him.

Well, if that was the case, Akira wasn’t going to hold back for Adam’s sake any longer.  

[insidiousEnigma]

“What do you mean by that?” He asked curiously, scrunching up his nose a bit as the other tapped it. No one had done that to him since...well, Vincent did it on occasion, but it never happened with someone he hardly knew. He thought he would be annoyed, he was mostly impressed with Akira’s nerve. Easily accepting the arm around his shoulder he peered up at the other. “Would does society consider ‘romantic’?”

He glanced down at the ring on his finger, turning his hand palm-up to brush his fingers against Akira’s. “Louis is like a brother or a dear friend, that is all.” He stated, “And Vincent…” He trailed off pensively, his eyebrows furrowing ever so slightly. “I loved him with all that I had.” He admitted honestly with a slight frown. “And I will always think of him fondly but I won’t let it stop me from moving on...and I don’t think he would want that either.”

Vincent was always looking forward, looking for something exciting, pushing them towards new things...he couldn’t imagine him being angry just because Andre was ready to move on with his life. “But what of you and Adam?” He pointed out. “It sounds as if you didn’t get any real closure.”  

[Akira Midoriyama]

Arceus, what was he doing? He shouldn’t have been on Andre’s lap; he shouldn’t have been anywhere even remotely near Andre because this guy was so smooth Akira feared he would do anything the other man asked. That was what made him so dangerous. Well, one of the things. But his magnetism also kept Akira from actually making himself get up. At that moment, the trainer just couldn’t bear the thought of having to leave the other man’s embrace. Maybe...just a little longer. While he still let him.

Ugh, he was already disgusted with himself. Why was he such a fool? Would he ever truly understand that? Probably not, but until he did, it seemed he would continue to be a slave to his feelings. “I mean that you seem too reserved to fully embrace a relationship like that. Perhaps it’s just an assumption of mine because I haven’t really seen a more passionate side of you, though. But the way you refer to these things...affections and ‘pursuing’ romantic relationships...it sounds like something you’re reluctant about getting into. Like...you will if you must, but you’re only doing so to indulge me.”

Not that he seemed to have the willpower to resist at this point, even if Andre was just indulging him. How pathetic. “Another example would be how you were saying earlier that our friendship could simply be comprised of us using each other. That was a cold perception of it because it referenced what each of us wanted for ourselves out of the exchange; not what we were doing for the other’s sake. And maybe...maybe you don’t find it practical or logical to do things without any benefit to yourself. I can understand that. But...that’s not the kind of thinking I’d imagine a man who was interested in a romantic relationship to have. Do you know what I mean? A business relationship, perhaps; maybe ‘friends with benefits’ as it’s called. But not romantic.”

He watched Andre’s face as the man spoke of his late partner and considered his words. “That makes sense,” he said when he was finished. “But maybe you’re less ready to be involved with someone emotionally. Or...perhaps a better way to put it would be to be invested in someone emotionally.”

Akira glanced at his own ring as he attempted to lace his fingers with Andre’s. “You’re right about Adam. But I’m not so stupid as to sit around waiting for something that may never come. I was under the assumption that romance involved both emotional and physical attraction, but since we’ve both seemed to have suffered some emotional issues as of late, I wouldn’t mind simply attempting to...strengthen relations between us based on the latter.”  

[insidiousEnigma]

“I think that you see me as reserved because we haven’t had many opportunities to get to know each other.” He said lightly before looking down to their laps rather pointedly. “If you were to talk to Louis or Zacharie I’m sure they would have different opinions, but I see your point.” He reached up to lightly pinch Akira’s cheek. “Again with you thinking I’m doing something that I don’t want. I can assure you that I’m not just indulging you, dear.”

He brushed the others hair back behind his ear before dropping his hand once more. “I only brought the scenario up because you yourself suggested that you were merely using me to alleviate your loneliness. I didn’t come simply to cure my boredom, I came because you asked it of me.” He turned his head and tried not to smile. “I don’t really think you’re capable of being so two-faced, but as you’ve been pointing out we don’t know much about each other.”

He stared down at their hands, letting the other fumble for a moment before spreading his fingers just a bit more so Akira’s could slot easily between them. He listened quietly, slowly nodding as he took in what the other had to say. Taking it apart and piecing it back together into something that made sense.

The other was right. He was not ready to be emotionally invested in someone...but he was never ready. These sorts of things just did not come to him as easily as one might think. It had taken him years to figure out that he thought of Vincent as more than just someone he could control. “I think,” He started, giving the others hand a squeeze. “That I should take you on a date.” He nodded, as if to confirm what he said to himself. “We can talk, get to know each other, and then when we are done we can part ways knowing we tried or we can make plans for another date; where we will talk some more and continue to get to know each other.”