Critique Fest '07

[Spastic waffles]

Hmmm...interesting. It sounds almost as if he's writing a journal entry of his last day of life after he's died.

There were few grammatical mistakes, but I think they've already all been pointed out, besides a few run-on sentences that I really don't mind too much. They kinda add to the feel of the story.

“Did you hear the news??” he says excitedly, almost jumping up and down, almost. He doesn’t look like he’s been able jumped since the 3rd grade.

I'm not sure excitedly is the best word there...excitedly has more of a positive connotation.  

[xXxFollowMexXx]

Voxxx

What does 'Yarb' mean? Is it like a secret password? I love secrets!

Anyways, about the story. I liked it. It had a nice flow, and your style was consistent throughout, allowing for a more organized piece with a slightly oblique feel. The only thing that caught my writer OCD-ocity was

“Did you hear the news??” he says excitedly, almost jumping up and down, almost. He doesn’t look like he’s been able jumped since the 3rd grade.


That line. It was just a touch unclear. Able-jumped? Or able to jump?

Oops, missed that. Must have started changing that during my last self-edit then forgot or something. It should be "He doesn't look like he's been able to jump since the 3rd grade". Oh and Yarb is a reference to the movie Hot Fuzz.  

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Spastic waffles

Hmmm...interesting. It sounds almost as if he's writing a journal entry of his last day of life after he's died.

There were few grammatical mistakes, but I think they've already all been pointed out, besides a few run-on sentences that I really don't mind too much. They kinda add to the feel of the story.

“Did you hear the news??” he says excitedly, almost jumping up and down, almost. He doesn’t look like he’s been able jumped since the 3rd grade.

I'm not sure excitedly is the best word there...excitedly has more of a positive connotation.

I see your point.. time to break out the thesaurus xp .  

[KirbyVictorious]

Agitatedly! ><

Stupid thesaurus and its usefulness when you need it.

>.>

Being smarter than me is UNFORGIVEABLE!!!!!

But you know what's annoying? People that will go and look up huge words in the thesaurus and then use them to make people feel dumb, without even knowing what it means, exactly.

Good writing tip: writers should try and find the smallest word to fit the purpose. There was a quote, but I forgetted. :/  

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KirbyVictorious

Agitatedly! ><

Stupid thesaurus and its usefulness when you need it.

>.>

Being smarter than me is UNFORGIVEABLE!!!!!

But you know what's annoying? People that will go and look up huge words in the thesaurus and then use them to make people feel dumb, without even knowing what it means, exactly.

Good writing tip: writers should try and find the smallest word to fit the purpose. There was a quote, but I forgetted. :/

I only look up large sophisticated words for my English class this year, because I hate the teacher and want to make him feel like the bumbling idiot that he is. lol  

[KirbyVictorious]

Excellent. *highfives*  

[Tak-Jak]

When I am writing I automaticall switch into my high level vocabulary. My teacher thought I plagerised because I was writing on a college level..

And he was to stupid to know what the words meant.  

[KirbyVictorious]

I got a 90 when my teacher didn't know what sentient meant. Frikkin' moron.

Her sister is WAY smarter than her...  

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KirbyVictorious

I got a 90 when my teacher didn't know what sentient meant. Frikkin' moron.

Her sister is WAY smarter than her...

Please tell me that this was at least not an English teacher. If it was you should complain to the administration about how crappy that teacher is... actually ANY teacher should know what sentient means, even gym teachers...  

[KirbyVictorious]

It was an English teacher.

I know. I fear for humanity too.

Sidenote: what's Nihilistic mean?  

[Tak-Jak]

Ni I like you already.

You are active.

wink  

[NovaKing]

KirbyVictorious

I got a 90 when my teacher didn't know what sentient meant. Frikkin' moron.

Her sister is WAY smarter than her...

Former knowledge is not a viable representation of intelligence. ERmm If I'm not mistaken the movement that determined that was the same one that got rid of grammar as a grade school subject in england. Dont quote me on that though sweatdrop


wait a sec....sentient...being able to precieve things????? why would some one need to know that? granted it's a useful word I suppose...but you can't expect your english teacher to pocess all of the words in the english vocabulary...I mean there are like a million of them. [ That's a fact I'm fairly certain of.]

or am I missing something here....  

[KirbyVictorious]

It MATTERS because I coulda got a frikkin' 100 but ooooooh no, it was too much trouble to look it up. stare  

[NovaKing]

KirbyVictorious

It MATTERS because I coulda got a frikkin' 100 but ooooooh no, it was too much trouble to look it up. stare

questionable.....  

[Tak-Jak]

Nova has a point. You should be prepared to have teachers with a questionable intellect. But the fact of the matter is they are your superiors and you should pay them the same amount of respect.

No matter what.