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Worrying about whether I should just let everything go, or try to pull it together accomplishes neither.

Neither does acknowledging that fact.

Things like this trouble me.

And then I give up outright and play Age of Empires III or read.

But I still feel awful.

And I wish I could blame all my problems on myself, but waking up by shock every morning and then spending the rest of the day, all of my days by my family will exacerbate all internalized stresses forever and ever.

My dreams lately have even begun to reflect how I feel. There is no escape from the anxiety, and the pointlessness. Mundane. Anxious.

What will I do when I break down and can't continue with school? When I seek to get a job, but inevitably get discouraged? Even if I do get a job, nothing I'll find will be enough to support myself completely, and if it was, I'd be living paycheck to paycheck.

It's ironic that the road to mental health would start by jumping into a different kind of stressful situation.

At what point would I be able to see a therapist to begin to learn how to cope with the fact that the world burns my brain out? Can I even begin to overcome the fact, in the real world, that my brain moves at such a sluggish pace? There's no damned special ed case managers for jobs. No one will give me 50 percent extra time to do work that requires complex thought, when there are smarter/faster people.

What am I even worth, as a person? I'm broken, to be honest, and overindulged; Self indulgent, even.

And as much as I felt that I needed to get this off my chest, or be heard: My homework deadlines grow closer, and I can't even remember most of what I did today.

Things like this trouble me.

Suddenly I'm listening to what sounds like devo, and the chorus is "Hold On!"

That put a smile on my face.

It was Hot Chip.

I'm not even particularly good at looking like a tortured soul.

If I can't even do that, then... Goodness. What else is there?

Edit: Lol, I copied the url for the cancer Jesus music video on accident. That one also cheered me up.

Here's the one I meant, though: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADBKdSCbmiM

Kegan, you need your own thread to talk to yourself in. The Kegan Box.

gay

what

Goddammit, I can't get this program working right.
I know exactly what it's doing, though. I'm supposed to move a thing through an array starting at row 10 column 2 (or [10][2]). It keeps starting at [0][0], which, no matter way the thing moves, either goes into the slot that increments the count by 1 or causes an out of bounds error.

Everything else is fine though.