Welcome to Gaia! ::

Tbh I'm vaguely okay having mental battles daily lately with myself due to irl things and some gaia things of personal things. But I'm not too off I'm probably half okay, or like 6/10 maybe just a 7/10.

I'm mentally harming myself in fear of my irl family cases of having a fear that after we spread ashes of my parents where they married each other I'm going to lose seeing all my family together again for years even though I shouldn't fear it given I never had them all much growing up any way, but I'm scared whom all I'll forget after years again of not seeing each other, and then there is the facts in early 2020 I lost a friend I had since kindergarten because they chose my bad room mate we both barely knew over me and now I feel I most be a demon or something so awful if I was so easily replaced, and then for gaian things I had in 2020 my gaia family group have a case of some fight idk much about really, and now they're broken up with a small group I'm in of just four people and I'm too nervous to tell the big boss my gaian mom that I want all of us together again, and all cause I don't want to lose that big family group fully too cause then what family will I have if I do lose my blood family of irl family?

But other then all that I'm decent most parts now for 2021, my financial issues are somewhat better off but I'm nervous cause I fear I'm constantly failing my irl family with not working at all but having roommates/tenants pay me money to live here and that is keeping the roof above our heads, and fearing also that I am failing my gaian family by not speaking my opinion some more about how I want all of us back together and hope we can fix what issues happened this time to split us so badly.

And back to irl things I worry if my blood family all count me as family given we're all just connected by same dad or for two older brothers just a same mom, and when I eventually die hopefully years and years from now I worry many times about things like where I go when dead to what will my irl family be like then with kids I hopefully have in future will my family accept them even if I go off to marry a foreigner or even a woman whom is more not into Christianity as my irl family because I'm personally having a rough time with it all myself tbh that daily I feel I'm going to Hell when I die because I'm struggling, and I fear what my irl family will think of many choices of mine cause we have fought over my own dreams of what I want to do irl for work and etc. and it's all a mess of mental health for me.

Okay maybe I am more a 4/10 fine when I share it all like that with fears of losing things of comfort feelings from real life family to gaian family and feeling like I am failing all of them honestly and don't belong in my irl family fully. sweatdrop